Substantial Matters BY BLACKLIST

[Spoken]

Storyteller Ft. Just Write


Through weaves of infrastructure, I've built a repertoire ,
So rest a sure to rep the core of dispositions at our nations door.
Hold the chord- strumming death is just an open chore,
Laid in depth, I paid respect with wounds of an open sore.
Living legend where bibles recite for pensions,
Heaven with hecklers, clanking through various dimensions.
A breathing section where the smoke seems to clear intentions,
Leaving mentions for acceptance a denied state of presence.
A lonely peasant tho the path I shadow S'mine to bear,
I mind to share so my past is vague to those who strive to care.
Minus pairs - which leaves us as single delegates
We can all thrive but feeding lies leaves u desperate.
Like taro myths, my palm will give you death as a settlement,
the future That i bring and hold- i keep completely separate.

"As followers of the book,
He who spoke with gods tongue- befriend the acts of lucifer.
Bleeding the ounce of memories,
Treading deaths company,
Bitter lonely and cold"

@Just Write
the states relenquish their load on the meek n' the desperate
leeching off innocence till they bleed their possesions,
the screaming, the heckling, it wont lead to repentance.
you need to seek new dimensions to percieve my perspective.
break free from opression by any means neccesary,
because it's we who decides whats needed or temporary.
i'm leading the blind till this smokescreen tarries
so I don't fall prey to deciet and proceed to perish.
and if you cherish your freedom, kids study your rights,
cuz when the day arrives you'll all have to get up & fight.
see, we're the calmest at night but it's not cuz we're sleeping
we're just channeling thoughts past our process of thinking,
i hope when the sun arises, we no longer see out the eyes of heathens
but that a fire ignites inside us and give our lives new meaning.

He knew the only way of acknowledgement...

Was to pass foes of the darkest of souls,
Remissible prose that bowed an arrow thru foes.
Timeless- capsule closed reaching for a purpose is deemed,
A self act in between Hell's Kitchen where it's never said of what's seen.
A settling scheme that cleans the minds of the free,
Tending to bent iron that speaks a language death silently treats.
He knew not to weep for weakness held an abominable weight,
Classical traits that prey'd into the shadowing wait.
Practical phase that lent hands to peel the nails shallowly straight,
Unraveling displayed that bellowed a soul 6 ft. To it's fate.
Pardon the wake but this dream is spiraling to a mess,
Somebody find the hex to take without taking a breath.
Scoundrel of death, I await for my binge of acceptance,
Wrap time with a vengeance and spear god for some leverage.
A shadow that's headless no one shakes me to be separate,
So I lay uncontested no strings to model- I'm helpless.
That's the feeling I'm left with cause judgement is played,
We have the right to bare arms but with the same sex it's reckless.
.
.
.
My brother knew whats right and was raised to stand firm,
So being gay led him to see my father sooner I've learned.
So today I churn and let the smoke cry wolf in his urn,
And follow suite for true love- sometimes you gotta let it burn.

R.I.P Michael Swanson
The gayest man I knew but the proudest father of 3 adopted girls and loving partner since gay rights came a thing of blessing!

Miss ya Bro!

[Spoken]

@Witty @Adonis @Rawn MacDon @trap @Illume @Figurative @Split Eight @zygote @Just Write @ill nik-A @Meth @Sharp Nine @God Of War @Coup @Rojo187 @Vulgar

Would appreciate feed from you fellas

[Darth Yoda]

Why wouldn't you appreciate feed from me that's not nice.

I liked this. I wish you meshed more of the elements.

[StarFaggot]

I will leave adequate feed on this. PM me if I don't by tomorrow night.

[Spoken]

Thanks @Aero appreciate your effort honestly
@Darth Yoda elaborate more kind sir and yes your feedback would be greatly appreciated

[Coup]

shocked at just writes verses development...i anint' hating on any cat, but this piece stirred me up. The gay agenda is in full swing, ack...we are truly living in the last days ladies and gentlemen...again no hate and may dude rest in peace.

storyteller what did you mean by this line ?:

Living legend where bibles recite for pensions,

storyteller you did a good job of providing some monologue to get this piece going, set up just writes section pretty good...liked the hook too.

Scoundrel of death, I await for my binge of acceptance,
Wrap time with a vengeance and spear god for some leverage.
A shadow that's headless no one shakes me to be separate,
So I lay uncontested no strings to model- I'm helpless.
That's the feeling I'm left with cause judgement is played,
We have the right to bare arms but with the same sex it's reckless.

solid prose.

I see also the hypocritical state of the nations and how they blindly follow arbitrary ideals to establish laws ...most of the time it's in their favor and it's BS. All substantial matters indeed, but who is behind all this ? I think storyteller said it best in the hook


good read...had to go through it a few times because the message was very subtle.

[Spoken]

A pension plan builds a profit through a bond or agreement... The bible to this date has been revised how many times?? And yet it's man who is altering and fixating to be god. The truest book should be the one that appeals to us today not the revised bibles we see now behind pews and such. Religion chews us up and spits us out and the government tends to support it but subtle and diligent try to vacate any proximity of such acts behind closed doors cause other people are offended.

[Coup]

aye, good breakdown...that is what I came away with ultimately reading this.

[Just Write]

for clarification, i was told to write a verse about an activist fighting back lol. i didn't know the whole concept but i'm still pleased with the outcome

alright like coup said i had to read this thru twice to fully take it in...and i appreciate the message, and tbh i was getting a totally different vibe upon initial read, and then the end kinda surprised me, but that was intentional i guess given Story's response to coup, but yeah the wordchoice had me thinking more dark and 'devilish' but yet religion based....which ties into my above comment about the response, and then the end although a twist, kinda tied it all together, but also made me read again...but onto the writers

story - ur verse was a nice introduction (seemed like this was more Just Write ft Storyteller tbh, but thas whatever.) Like i said above ur wordchoice was pretty on point to what u were aiming at, but imo sometimes it seems like ur rhyming was overdone, like it coulda been more effective if u went with internals that differed from externals, but that maybe me, or also the fact that u bleed rhymes, which also can be effective but came across overdone when accompanied by internal external bombardment, and gave it kinda a monotonous feel, not bad or distracting just trying to b constructive my dood. Also i feel if u deviated from that rhyme scheme it woulda open up more avenues for u bc sometimes it felt that u woulda rathered used another word to substitute for the word u kinda stuck urself in the corner with. But sht read smoothly enough, and still conveyed what u were aiming at, so i would say it was a success, and a pretty solid verse.

Just Write - tbh i felt the second verse absolutely killed this, i was really feeling some of the concepts u touched on with it

what im talking about: "the screaming, the heckling, it wont lead to repentance.
you need to seek new dimensions to percieve my perspective.
break free from opression by any means neccesary,
because it's we who decides whats needed or temporary."

but i also feel that although u had a nice showing, if i had to critique something it would be fairly similiar to what i said to story, i enjoyed ur rhyme scheme, but i also felt that in some places u used odd or more archaic words, that coulda been sub'd out for something more vernacular'ish...but then again, the archaic type words stayed true to the religious aspect, so it goes both ways. Another slight thing I woulda focused more on action verbs rather then adjectives if ur topic was 'an activist fighting back'...but besides that u kinda brought it full circle upon second read thru, the first one i was kinda thrown bc i hadn't digested its entirety yet. Verbs may have helped clue the reader in subtly, just imo. But also a very solid showing, however I kinda wished u kept on with those conceptual insights like u utilized in the second verse.

Another note, I don't know if it was intended or not, like if u wrote independently or if u built off each other, but u both utilized some of the same rhyming words, which was cool, but also repetitive in a way. If it was intentional, instead of utilizing the same words sporadically throughout the verse, i personally woulda crafted the verse to eather begin or end with those rhyming words giving it more congruence. Keep in mind these are all MINOR things, im just offering my own insight bc i figure thats y i was tagged.

Overall I did enjoy it individually, and as a whole. Both had a showing of quality writing while accomplishing what u were aiming for with approach n topic.

Solid drop guys.

[Coup]

what does bleed rhymes mean ?

A breathing section where the smoke seems to clear intentions,
Leaving mentions for acceptance a denied state of presence.
A lonely peasant tho the path I shadow S'mine to bear
^^ a bleed rhyme (being lonely peasant)

basically when u bleed the same rhyme into ur next bar that u intend on finishing with a different end rhyme so its structured like (AAABB - where the third A would be the bleed [not accounting for internals besides the bleed obv]) it makes for a swifter transition, but sometimes ppl do it to aid in their transitions and end up really forcing a rhyme with poorly picked words bc they want to adhere to their structure (not saying that occurred here) @Coup

after coup acknowledges this mods can delete bc i dont want to clog up this thread @Genocide @Meth @Sharp Nine - ur all good to delete this now, thanks.

@Storyteller in re: to ur lower post, i feel u on how u approach the whole story, emotion, imagery, then content - but what ive found is that small things like a verb instead of an adjective can totally alter the way a reader perceives it, in affect it actually builds up what ur doing by building down...like using a verb instead of adjective for example, could totally alter the way a reader perceives the content, and emotion bc it transfers more to active voice, while adj are more imagery oriented and passive, so it all effects the tone...im not saying deviate from how u go about writing, but its something to keep in mind when u go to do ur polish on finished product. feel free to pm or AIM me if u want me to address this further
@Just Write - if u need any further clarification on what I'm talking about as far as technicalities (or w/e) feel free to shoot me a Pm.

[Coup]

word...acknowledged..never knew there was a name for that...understood. thanks

[Spoken]

I honestly appreciate the fucking effort rawn just put into deviating a feedback. The verse I told of just write was just to write as an activitst fighting for rights and I forgot to have told him make sure it ties to the right to be gay .... Initially it was actually just supposed to be my personal drop but I was stuck and I felt like I needed am extra or fresh pair of view to leave the verse with a direction but still keep it vague and abstractive and I often find myself doing this so as to try and keep the reader like..."ok... Yeah.... Wait... Oh shit it's about a gay guy fuck that took me for a loop" type of reaction. Which is my fault in writing as I like to look for those responses rather than a fuck the was killer internals and the rhyme scheme was crazy cause to me when I write my main focus is Story, emotion, imagery and content then follows the rhyme scheme and metaphors instead of it being backwards which I see most people actively use. In the end I want my verses to be different- period. I you read a unanimous verse I'd like to have your head be like- nah dude shit this is storyteller or that's like storyteller and I'd hate to see it other wise cause that's what I wrote for my self recognition. Every writer writes for self claim... But I do so with truth and the deepest emotion any writer puts forth TBH. So what I was going for was this... The beginning and second verse- an activist and exposing nation issues and probable causes to some downfalls and hidden messages that I see that others don't... And then third and closure that same activist fight for a right turns and shows he is fighting for the right to be gay cause it was previous rights that prevented him to accomplish another right that eventually led to his death, because he was gay... He was beaten to death in front of his own damn home and was found by his daughters who called his boyfriend and 911. Seriously fucked up and it is cause some of these rights and the nations non-consistent judicial system being more about politics than anything that it's still on trial when evidence shows the clear 4 who had beat him to death from the street cams even exposing their faces. It's a very emotional piece for me cause it's true hence why some words were also repetitive cause it was just best fit cause it was true and I can't change that emotion
@Rawn MacDon @Coup @Sharp Nine @Adonis @zygote @Witty @Just Write @Figurative @Split Eight @SiK @God Of War @Illume @Darth Yoda @Flo Real @Malachi @The Bully @Bags @Genocide @Zenland @Camp Bell

[Spoken]

@Nigma @namix @CopyPat @patrown

[Illume]

Through weaves of infrastructure, I've built a repertoire ,
So rest a sure to rep the core of dispositions at our nations door.

So I get the message here. you're sayin' that through all the bollox you've seen on this planet that you're qualified enough to have a say on it and to have your say heard. Felt this way a million times. Liked the rhyme scheme, little hard to understand at first though.


Hold the chord- strumming death is just an open chore,
Laid in depth, I paid respect with wounds of an open sore.
Living legend where bibles recite for pensions,
Heaven with hecklers, clanking through various dimensions.
A breathing section where the smoke seems to clear intentions,
Leaving mentions for acceptance a denied state of presence.
A lonely peasant tho the path I shadow S'mine to bear,
I mind to share so my past is vague to those who strive to care.
Minus pairs - which leaves us as single delegates
We can all thrive but feeding lies leaves u desperate.
Like taro myths, my palm will give you death as a settlement,
the future That i bring and hold- i keep completely separate.

I really didn't wanna break this down cause it gels so well together and makes a lotta sense about the complexity of life. I liked the part in bold a lot. BUt I gotta say, some of it could do with an article in some parts. like for instance 'Leaving mentions for acceptance (of) a denied state of presence.' But it mostly flowed well and I got it.

"As followers of the book,
He who spoke with gods tongue- befriend the acts of lucifer.
Bleeding the ounce of memories,
Treading deaths company,
Bitter lonely and cold"


You've really set up a great foundation for JustWrite to bounce on and that means his rhyme is where the piece really gets into flow (not that you're rhyme is less, it's just a logistics thing).

But i did find that Just writes rhyme felt less complex and took less work to understand. Perhaps cause of his grammar.

@Just Write
the states relenquish their load on the meek n' the desperate
leeching off innocence till they bleed their possesions,
the screaming, the heckling, it wont lead to repentance.
you need to seek new dimensions to percieve my perspective.
break free from opression by any means neccesary,
because it's we who decides whats needed or temporary.
i'm leading the blind till this smokescreen tarries
so I don't fall prey to deciet and proceed to perish.
and if you cherish your freedom, kids study your rights,
cuz when the day arrives you'll all have to get up & fight.
see, we're the calmest at night but it's not cuz we're sleeping
we're just channeling thoughts past our process of thinking,
i hope when the sun arises, we no longer see out the eyes of heathens
but that a fire ignites inside us and give our lives new meaning.

He uses wordplays and spins on what you've already wrote and gives a more fresh outlook on the whole scenario, plus something totally relateable, about how the rituals and shouting and praying don't do shit. It's action that works. Some truths about life in there too which I really liked.

He knew the only way of acknowledgement...

Was to pass foes of the darkest of souls,
Remissible prose that bowed an arrow thru foes.
Timeless- capsule closed reaching for a purpose is deemed,
A self act in between Hell's Kitchen where it's never said of what's seen.
A settling scheme that cleans the minds of the free,
Tending to bent iron that speaks a language (of) death silently treats.
He knew not to weep for weakness held an abominable weight,
Classical traits that prey'd into the shadowing wait.
Practical phase that lent hands to peel the nails shallowly straight,
Unraveling displayed that bellowed a soul 6 ft. To it's fate.
Pardon the wake but this dream is spiraling to a mess,
Somebody find the hex to take without taking a breath.
Scoundrel of death, I await for my binge of acceptance,
Wrap time with a vengeance and spear god for some leverage.
A shadow that's headless no one shakes me to be separate,
So I lay uncontested no strings to model- I'm helpless.
That's the feeling I'm left with cause judgement is played,
We have the right to bare arms but with the same sex it's reckless.

This rhyme was by far my favourite out of the whole piece. My favourite was in bold. Loved the symbolism here.
.
.
.
My brother knew whats right and was raised to stand firm,
So being gay led him to see my father sooner I've learned.
So today I churn and let the smoke cry wolf in his urn,
And follow suite for true love- sometimes you gotta let it burn.

True dat.
If you want more in depth stuff I can do that, but just not right now.

[Split]

while I read those posts, i will add that story, imagery, emotion and content are all affected by aspects of actual writing. flow is conceptual as well as syllables and consonance.

cool collab guys

Originally Posted by Storyteller

Through weaves of infrastructure, I've built a repertoire ,
So rest a sure to rep the core of dispositions at our nations door.
>Okay, decent opener. Kind of stumbled over the figurative language in the second line, "rep the core" is badly worded, it's "rest-assured", and dispositions means moods/ outlooks/ a person's essential make-up. so im kinda lost in the vagueness

Hold the chord- strumming death is just an open chore,
Laid in depth, I paid respect with wounds of an open sore.
>good, didn't like "open chore"
Living legend where bibles recite for pensions,
Heaven with hecklers, clanking through various dimensions.
>second line was very strong but "bibles recite for pensions" is bad grammar and wording.

A breathing section where the smoke seems to clear intentions,
Leaving mentions for acceptance a denied state of presence.
>irregular rhythm
A lonely peasant tho the path I shadow S'mine to bear,
I mind to share so my past is vague to those who strive to care.
>forced rhymes everywhere in this bar
Minus pairs - which leaves us as single delegates
We can all thrive but feeding lies leaves u desperate.
Like taro myths, my palm will give you death as a settlement,
the future That i bring and hold- i keep completely separate.
>taro myths was dope

"As followers of the book,
He who spoke with gods tongue- befriend the acts of lucifer.
Bleeding the ounce of memories,
Treading deaths company,
Bitter lonely and cold"

[b @Just Write[/b]
the states relenquish their load on the meek n' the desperate
leeching off innocence till they bleed their possesions,
the screaming, the heckling, it wont lead to repentance.
you need to seek new dimensions to percieve my perspective.
break free from opression by any means neccesary,
because it's we who decides whats needed or temporary.
>the above was okay but vague
i'm leading the blind till this smokescreen tarries
so I don't fall prey to deciet and proceed to perish.
and if you cherish your freedom, kids study your rights,
cuz when the day arrives you'll all have to get up & fight.
see, we're the calmest at night but it's not cuz we're sleeping
we're just channeling thoughts past our process of thinking,
i hope when the sun arises, we no longer see out the eyes of heathens
but that a fire ignites inside us and give our lives new meaning.
>liked the ender

He knew the only way of acknowledgement...

Was to pass foes of the darkest of souls,
Remissible prose that bowed an arrow thru foes.
Timeless- capsule closed reaching for a purpose is deemed,
A self act in between Hell's Kitchen where it's never said of what's seen.
A settling scheme that cleans the minds of the free,
Tending to bent iron that speaks a language death silently treats.
He knew not to weep for weakness held an abominable weight,
Classical traits that prey'd into the shadowing wait.
Practical phase that lent hands to peel the nails shallowly straight,
Unraveling displayed that bellowed a soul 6 ft. To it's fate.
Pardon the wake but this dream is spiraling to a mess,
Somebody find the hex to take without taking a breath.
Scoundrel of death, I await for my binge of acceptance,
Wrap time with a vengeance and spear god for some leverage.
A shadow that's headless no one shakes me to be separate,
So I lay uncontested no strings to model- I'm helpless.
That's the feeling I'm left with cause judgement is played,
We have the right to bare arms but with the same sex it's reckless.
.
.
.
My brother knew whats right and was raised to stand firm,
So being gay led him to see my father sooner I've learned.
So today I churn and let the smoke cry wolf in his urn,
And follow suite for true love- sometimes you gotta let it burn.

R.I.P Michael Swanson
The gayest man I knew but the proudest father of 3 adopted girls and loving partner since gay rights came a thing of blessing!

Miss ya Bro!

bold parts were dope

for the first and last verses, I feel like that person could benefit from editing and reading their verses as if they were trying to understand it for the first time.. a lot of places where the wording or phrasing was just mad awkward.

like, anything that doesn't come off conceptually crisp and focused to you, as you write it, is gonna seem like a muddled mess to your writer. A lot of sentences would benefit from being spit straight out i.e. "a self-act in between Hell's kitchen where it's never said of what's seen"

==neither the above or below lines explain this 'self-act' and its not something that could be deduced... if that idea is developed, you need to accent it more when you introduced it. otherwise chop it out.

=="in between" technically u only list Hell's kitchen, so perhaps you meant 'within'

=="Hell's kitchen" is an interesting reference... however, that is a place in NYC which confused me because you never really elucidated why this place is referenced as Hell's kitchen

=="it's never said of what's seen" there were a lot of phrases like this, that seem like over-complications of simple sayings. "no one says what they sees" flows the same, rolls off quicker mentally, and is virtually the same as what you said without possible misinterpretations


However, your verses weren't badly written or devised. it's more like you painted the Mona Lisa and hung it under fogged glass. the metaphors and figurative language were clever and unique, like 'taro palm myths' and that Hell's kitchen reference. it has that poetic air, just without the static simplicity of a poem. if you cleaned things up you'd have KILLER verses. tag me in crew forums and I'd be willing to help u edit.. unless i'm spouting bullshit and just can't connect your verses as well as anyone else

I can always tell a Storyteller verse, though.


middle verse/ Just Write

in a direct, direct contrast to Storyteller, I felt like you really flowed well and pieced together your lines very naturally. a couple places where your schemes slipped, or a strong internal could've helped you out with fluidity, but otherwise dope wording.

however, it does feel a bit conceptually dry. no daring metaphors, and I feel like I never 'connected' with your story the way I did Storytellers.

for example
"see, we're the calmest at night but it's not cuz we're sleeping
we're just channeling thoughts past our process of thinking,
>> ok.. I get what you're hinting at, however "calmest at night" is a mundane expression. "channeling thoughts" and "process of thinking" are both nice examples of expanding a phrase to fit the flow of a bar, but they're also very dry and standard... like you could pull them out of a Wall St Journal atricle.

i hope when the sun arises, we no longer see out the eyes of heathens
but that a fire ignites inside us and give our lives new meaning.
>>again. those metaphors and phrases are very simple and uninspired to me"

one thing related to plot, I'd suggest, is to bring in more description and horizontally expand your thoughts... flesh out the bones of your verse, give it character, make it personal and make it about YOU or your character, or even the reader and all of the above, a la Blacketh.



SO. @Storyteller @Just Write

summing that all up.. I really thought you guys were on the BRINK of something very, very dope with this collab, both individually as writers and as a team. but ultimately, I felt kinda weird and frustrated reading it..

I enjoyed portions of it, but it felt inconclusive.

w/out stripping away individuality, I think if JW picked up some aspects of ST's writing (poetic phrasing, stylistic flair, a personal connection w/ the reader) nd ST picked up some aspects of JW's writing (strong+ fluid wording, meshing with ppl in your collab, clarity) you guys would be way more balanced individually


also, JW I'm glad you cypher'd off Story's verse the way you did, keep it up :)

good shit guys

[Just Write]

thanks everybody for the feedback and advice. although i don't understand a lot of the technical things you guys are advising me to do i will google them and use it to improve, remember man i just started writing. show me direction and i'll follow. and to those who really broke down their feed I really do appreciate it and I WILL apply it. anyone who wants feed in return PM me a link and I got you

[Spoken]

I highly appreciate all the feed in all honesty and look to improve my writing ten fold appreciate the looks

[StarFaggot]

Minus pairs - which leaves us as single delegates
We can all thrive but feeding lies leaves u desperate.
Like taro myths, my palm will give you death as a settlement,
the future That i bring and hold- i keep completely separate.
^ This was cool.

A bit hard to follow and decipher whether you were saying some deep clever ish or if it was just elementary. Good job though.


and if you cherish your freedom, kids study your rights,
cuz when the day arrives you'll all have to get up & fight.
see, we're the calmest at night but it's not cuz we're sleeping
we're just channeling thoughts past our process of thinking,
^ Dope and true.

Good lines from Just C and nice personal touch.

Good collab. Could've been more unison but I don't really dabble in written works like this so I cant really speak on it with credentials.