Storyteller vs Patrown vs Coup (topical) - COUP WINS 4-0

[Coup]

Topic



Verse 1

A memoir for the down trodden, to the ill forgotten:
Drift a mile in worn hauls, become her problems
Be the barefooted strange girl on a cruise ship
Apple bottom, candy cigarette, her nude lips
Shirt soaked suction tight, clung to perfect body
Provoking your silent awakening, pop a molly
Sail. Over a full moon glowing underwater
Below a sky befallen, darkened for the hour
Floating November misery in seas of lemon light
Swallowing the sun because it stolen the night
Be you. Changed to never trust yourself
Because a mile in you will never trust yourself
Don't judge her, until you lived her book
The cover is girl, and the material is rook
Be you girl interrupted. All pumped full of lead
Swimming with sharks in her head





Verse 2

Rotten, Smutted and proved to be the worst of three,
The sisters kept discreet while boys crept in to sleep.
Not a whisper did i peep nor did I sputter in disregard,
The utter urgency to keep apart the wanting in others hearts.
Clouding me shards that grey the bluest of moons,
Despair, puking onto the pillows as a purists perfume.
Baffling tunes of men hiding into our darkest of caves,
Shrapnels carving away at gaping holes as targets *of slaves.
Balled and chain not free to flock with the wind,
Animosity sin- a tier above what a melancholy binge.
Taste of the brim splurges into a spiral descent,
Parched, drenched- not wanting breath just gasping for death.
Clothing the stench; chasing shadows into circles,
Till my sight serves you a face, Paling faster to purple.
Bottled champagne without a corkscrew, impartial with perfection,
As my life isn't a reflection its more of a sentence answering my own question.

Who am I?



Verse 3

the empty vase

first steps were made.. on a dining room floor
making it up as they went over the time explored
each tear clings to dirt and falls from a cloud
its weight to much of a burden for pride to allow

sitcom sample laughter all that's left when it's gone
the owner tells the cops he's been there since dawn
"Mr. Obrian's not complyin' with directions again..
Just stay inside sir, protections been sent"

cops came and went, bring the irishman in
time after time taken with eyes vacant and grim
they shone with tears never allowed to be shed
all his time in heaven spent on earth instead

chased ghost's in a potato sack and threw snacks at scoobie
to kill the time while the past collapsed on itself so cruelly
an oasis isn't a mirage if you've taken a picture there
"our future's" a facade as soon as a kitchens bare

.

[Spoken]

@zygote @Adonis @Witty @Flo Real @ill nik-A @Sharp Nine @Meth @Adonis @Just Write @Figurative @Genocide



Please take a look at vote we three have been wanting to get our battle closed for official ruling of who did better. Vote on which verse did write better for that picture from verse 1. This is a battle from another site that is dead as fuck and we would like closure.

The topic is the pic from verse 1 we had all wrote to that pic but only verse one included the pic into his verse

[Coup]

@Storyteller fixed

this battle been open for many moons...'pricate it bros.

Interesting topical match

first verse - I liked ur approach, also the verse was fairly fluent, my only problems w it were the change of tense, I wasn't feeling the trust ur self bit at all, and pop a molly seemed a bit out of place w the rest of the wording... However I did enjoy ur word choose, and this was a new version display of adjectives... Offered imagery that complimented (and for that matter made it almost pointless to post) the pic, which is a compliment in my eyes.. Flow read more poetic to me, which works as we with topicals.

Second verse - similar problems to above, u changed tenses and it kinda affected the read. Ur initial approach was working, dunno y u changed it.. But w/e..
U also had nice word choice, less imagery but more story telling. Which complimented ur initial approach. Another SLIGHT problem I had was sometimes ur bleed rhymes seemed a little forced, but it wasn't distracting.. And also made for a faster read.

last verse - tbh this was a let down, it prolly read the cleanest out of all three, , with nice scheming. It also had little bits of some really deep concepts, which I dug... However I couldn't connect it with the topic, the whole approach was almost lost on me... I mean even the tone sounded more masculine, and I take it ur speaking from her perspective... It just didn't fit for me.. Maybe I missed something, but I reread it twice, so if I did it's lost on me.


For that reason, I have verse 3 out, with 1 n 2 remaining. Similar approaches, different flow, with similar problems, and different spins on the approach. I cam see this going either way tbh. I gotta go with verse 1.. The tense change was not as distracting and I felt the imagery a bit more then the story.. Real close tho.



Vote - verse 1 (sry I don't know whose verse is whose.. Not sure if that's intentional or not tho)

props to all three tho.. Btw I think k this ain't 'open for votes' bc mods are awaiting the three of u to post ur vote links.

[Sharp]

@Storyteller @patrown @Coup im gonna need 2 voting links each, i'll try voting on this but no promises, not a topical guy.

[Spoken]

I'll snag all the links for us so I'll post up 6links @Sharp Nine
@Rawn MacDon yeah it was intentional to be hidden for voting o be chosen as only verse 1, 2, or 3 and the winner will be reviled at the end so no bandwagon follows just pure writing skill being tested no saying dr's are on us of whoever just want it solely based of the writing conformed

[Atomic]

best pieces of each verse imo:

1.

A memoir for the down trodden, to the ill forgotten:
Drift a mile in worn hauls, become her problems
Be the barefooted strange girl on a cruise ship
Apple bottom, candy cigarette, her nude lips
Be you girl interrupted. All pumped full of lead
Swimming with sharks in her head


2.

Balled and chain not free to flock with the wind,
Animosity sin- a tier above what a melancholy binge.


3.

each tear clings to dirt and falls from a cloud
its weight to much of a burden for pride to allow

verse 1 for me had the superior imagery & emerged me in the story the best. for that least as-well, it followed the topic BEST in my mind, although obviously thats very opinionated, but just how i felt. those bars i quoted were the main bars i was feeling throughout, those really had me feeling like i was part of what was going on & were written very well.


verse 2, for that bar i quoted, i just liked the creativity & concept it held. overall the verse seemed kind of broken up for me & scattered around. for me it just wasn't that great, but there was good ideas within it, i just don't feel they were wrote very well.


verse 3, the bar quoted had a lot of emotion within it, definitely felt it really added to the story. overall i feel your verse was good, but it didn't make me feel part of the story because for a lot of it, the bars felt vague, like they didn't really tell you anything. the flow overall to it was the best out any of the verses imo, although for a topical/my opinion that doesn't count for that much.

overall, i'm going to have to vote for piece 1 & say that piece2&3 tied. piece 1 just really drew me into the story the best, gave the best imagery, & overall I just feel like it was done better then the other 2. cool verses though guys, i really did enjoy reading each one because this picture seems like it would make for kind of a weird topic, it was cool seeing what direction each of you took it in. either way, verse 1 got it, props guys.

v/ 1.

[Spoken]

Thanks @Atomic 2 for V1 0 for 2-3

[Flow]

This was sick!! Props to all involved. I'll come back to this soon.

[Just Write]

i'm going to just pick a few lines from each

Originally Posted by Coup

Topic



Verse 1


Be the barefooted strange girl on a cruise ship
Apple bottom, candy cigarette, her nude lips
Shirt soaked suction tight, clung to perfect body
Provoking your silent awakening, pop a molly
Sail. Over a full moon glowing underwater
Below a sky befallen, darkened for the hour
Floating November misery in seas of lemon light
Swallowing the sun because it stolen the night
Be you. Changed to never trust yourself
Because a mile in you will never trust yourself


this was fantastically written, the descriptiveness felt clod, rugged and dark which i like but also painted a picture in my head, i didn't however like the "pop a molly" part. i did get what you meant and bravo for it but i just felt like the rest was very poetic and that part stuck out, regardless I feel you wrote to the picture very well





Verse 2

Rotten, Smutted and proved to be the worst of three,
The sisters kept discreet while boys crept in to sleep.
Not a whisper did i peep nor did I sputter in disregard,
The utter urgency to keep apart the wanting in others hearts.
Clouding me shards that grey the bluest of moons,
Despair, puking onto the pillows as a purists perfume.
Baffling tunes of men hiding into our darkest of caves,
Shrapnels carving away at gaping holes as targets *of slaves.
Balled and chain not free to flock with the wind,
Animosity sin- a tier above what a melancholy binge.

this was just pure butter flow and i loved the cadence you brought, this was probably the smoothest of the three verses i just don't see the connection to the photo

Verse 3

the empty vase

first steps were made.. on a dining room floor
making it up as they went over the time explored
each tear clings to dirt and falls from a cloud
its weight to much of a burden for pride to allow

this was a proper opening, i liked the last two lines the best

chased ghost's in a potato sack and threw snacks at scoobie
to kill the time while the past collapsed on itself so cruelly
an oasis isn't a mirage if you've taken a picture there
"our future's" a facade as soon as a kitchens bare

scoobie line made me chuckle, i enjoyed this verse but i feel you could have reworded somethings to make the flow more smooth overall and again same as the second verse i didn't see much of a connection to the picture

overall you all brought a little something different and wrote very good pieces but there can only be one winner. i'm mixed between verse 1 & 2 but seeing as how this is a picture topical i'm going to have to go with who i felt played more to the picture and thats Verse 1, i'm going to give my guesses as to who the verses belong to too, 1=storyteller 2=patrown 3=coup. you don't have to confirm but i wanna know after haha







.

[Spoken]

@Flo Real wanna input ya vote? And @Sharp Nine holla I voted on a nice couple of battles justdont have time to copy and paste links lol

[Flow]

I can't give a breakdown on my phone but if you want my vote it's verse 1

[Coup]

verse1 -4 -Coup
verse2-0 -Stpryteller
verse3-1 -Patrown (plus +1 from voting at other site)
@Storyteller we can close this now...rematch can be considered

[Spoken]

Yes... Set it up please

@Storyteller @Coup
I'd get down on a 3 way like this if u guys r.. Lemme kno

[Spoken]

@Coup

Let's do the same like this then we all choose a topic and write 20 lines to it and have one designated to post the topic and verses up by the same structure like so it makes it so much more vindicated lol
@Rawn MacDon

I'm cool w whatever let me know when a topic is decided on

[Coup]

since I won I'll pick topic and set up the battle max 20 lines...same rules apply no swaying, feeding, recycling, biting etc...thread will be up soon enough. once thread is up you got a until Wednesday the 10th to post...in the mean time vote on as many battles as you can to get cats to get ours done voted.

y'all know when battle is up...i'll tag ya
@Rawn MacDon @Storyteller

don't post your verses....PM them to me so i can anonymously submit them altogether in the thread...verse 1, verse2, verse 3 format etc...

peace

Fair enough I'll await the tag

[Spoken]

@Sharp Nine we just an annitiated the rebirth of the BA activity ... Lol.

All battles open will be voted on bitches and also sharp... Close please coup had won a great battle and can I get my win column to look nicer???? I know I won like 4 battles why am only at 2?? Lol anyways thanks sharp