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Old 07-13-2014, 11:14 PM   #1
Certain
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Default Round 3: 9. Certain vs. 5. King Ra. \\ Certain wins 5-0


Round 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here.

Verses are due Sunday, July 20 at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Wednesday, July 23 at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on the other battle is required. Four votes will be deducted if that one required vote is not done.


Topic


The Route of All Evil


Good luck, @Certain and @King Ra.
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Old 07-14-2014, 10:58 AM   #2
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The yellow tape means she's already dead. You've already lost.
Harbinger cause announcing effect, out of respect.
Now it's the neck starting to throb.
Next it's that tremor in your hands — no, it's not in your hands.
The ounces of sweat, down to your chest.
All of your plots and your plans tossed in the can.
Isn't it obvious that logic says the more honest the man,
the more likely he is to be hobbled again?

The sobriquet: reports at 10. Evening news. Bedtime blues.
The caveat crawls into a calloused coma: death by fugue.
My state is surrounded by drowning. A river runs through it;
your little lungs knew it would be a physical nuisance
but still insisted we try. Could've stayed dry,
but there's land beyond the ransom letters that litter the drive.
Check the escape hatch. Did any spirits survive?
Bereavement's contrived, part of a culture that tosses grieving aside.
Two vacation checks to lay to rest all of our deepest good-byes,
then we're back on the beach for another weekend of lies.

The sanctuary pews do offer a cushion to kneel,
yet too often we're absconding for a push of the needle.
Cautionary losses: Sell the stock at its peak.
But while we're rushing to deal, loyal to options and leaks,
they roll our souls out for the optimum lease.
It's obvious we're not up to speed. Trampled and bent
as we fight our way back up the same hills their mansions attend.
Saddled with debt, we've got our headphones turnt.
Beats By Dreams. The bass ensures the end won't hurt.
Release and breathe. Speed through seas with the engine loud.
But please return to your seat before the exits crowd.

Now let's return to the scene. First, shed a tear for the Vine
and find that right darkened filter for an Insta-feelings confide.
Yes, she's gone now. But was she ever here or a lie?
You'd be surprised at what a mirror can hide.
So we're driving. This broken path so wearily winds.
So we're driving. The plains make plain we're reaching the sky.
No, we're not driving. Never were. Losing what's real.
The route of all evil runs right over us. We're too numb to feel.
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Old 07-21-2014, 02:59 AM   #3
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There is a full moon tonight. The sky is flooded with stars.
Just got off work. It was hard. Fixing to go spend some time at the bar.
You won't be home anyway. The thought alone has left a permanent scar.
It's okay, though. I should have known you weren't good from the start.
I'd like to propose a toast.... for all the women who've ever broken my heart.
It must have been my fault. I'm stupid & not definitely smart.
You were my everything. I just don't understand why you chose to depart.
Here's my tip for the waitress, it's time to leave & hop in my car.....
I know where I'm headed....
Life is what you make it, right?
I should text her & say goodnight....
Wait.... am I crazy? My mind ain't thinking right.
I miss her so much.
Fuck her.
Why do I feel so much pain inside?
"Sir, if you're going to drink, just remember it isn't safe to drive...."
Enter the darkness, the unknown. Where it isn't safe to hide.
Where every emotion gets placed aside. You can't ever shake the vibe.
Just take the bribe. Don't sober up. Let the taste accentuate the hype.
Separate your mind from your ever-wasted pride.
Wipe the tears from your eyes. It's almost over....
Devil on the shoulder. God is replaced.
The preacher is a Satanist reading your eulogy at the start of your wake.
Is all of this real? Or just an illusion? A fake.
Are you dreaming? Why every thought now is hard to evade?
Why all of the sudden you feel in your heart a sharp rush of pain?
"Sir, can you hear me? Can you tell us your name?"
For some reason I can't open my eyes. It's dark. I'm afraid.
Not sure if I am dead, but I know I'm not awake.
Trying to process everything in the heart of my brain.
Then I recalled that empty feeling inside of her leaving me-
and everything started to change.
Am I insane?
What is going on?
WAKE UP!
Open my eyes to an unfinished text.... and oncoming headlights.
Maybe she will feel sorry for me if she found out I was dead, right?
I made up my mind. The decision was final.
Either I was going to die in this car crash instantly, or fight for survival.
Took my hands off the wheel. Forgive me for killing these people.
Satisfied with my choice, I closed my eyes-


.... the route of all evil.
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Old 07-22-2014, 06:38 PM   #4
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Certain: I started copy and pasting the lines in this that stood out the most, but I had to delete them because there were too many. Seriously. The entire opening stanza could've been quoted, especially the last two lines. The pushing grieving aside, push to the needles lines are a few more examples. I really couldn't find anything wrong with this, and I tried real hard to find something wrong with it. To put it simply, this was just good writing.

King Ra: I liked the ending. It made it a literal route which I thought was cool. This was actually a good piece, but it had to be nearly perfect to beat out Certain this week, and I don't think it was if I had to be honest. There were a few instances where poor wording ruined this for me. "I'm stupid & not definitely smart" line really sticks out as an example of that. Besides the few problems with wording this was a good verse, but I don't think it was enough to match what Certain brought this week.

V/Certain
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Old 07-22-2014, 09:09 PM   #5
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Jah - "Definitely smart"???? I mean really there are 150 better words then definitely my daughter could come up with that would make more sense here. Beyond that this verse was, actually in my mind rather dope. The ending being the highlight obviously, the route of all evil can be open to interpretation in your context, saying women or relationships or just bitches feeling sorry cuz they alone. Either way, it's a plus that you wrote something that made me ponder beyond your words, that is rare, and there you succeeded. Flow was on point through out, story was cool although you spent too many bars on the opening "she left me *tears*" and not enough on us getting to know her or how strong this relationship obviously was because of the outcome. So, the emotional factor was not there in a sense, but again, I come back to the picture perfect ending, this corrected a lot of things for you, rather overshadowed them.

Cert - Opening stanza makes me feel like you were "Theman080" at PR, PM if yes or just tell me whom you were for the 58th time. "But was she ever here or a lie?" Didn't like this sentence. Other then that small hindrance, this was very much a crisp read, extremely fluid and gave a strong emotional connection to a character who is simply overwhelmed and over life. The voice you drew out for me as a reader was very somber. The contrasting concepts helped flesh out the base story and then you capped it all off with pretty much a (older school) Vulgaresque or SacriFICE open to interpretation and take it as you may type closer. Again, for me this is awesome because I'm not being force fed and I draw what I can from what's been given. This verse was about life and the ups and downs, the classic american struggle of bobbling wealth or lack there of and sustaining a relationship. In the end you spelled it all out, and simply said the road is a bumpy one. There were individual line concepts that I won't touch on much, but know they were appreciated and showed a well thought out verse instead of the A-typical Certain who seems to be focused on writing rather then running these rug rats in a league at the highest level. I'm rambling again, one example is the water and asphyxiation and constant battle of trying to keep afloat. I enjoy long concepts as such, again, I took it as life in general, but I can see how some may take this as a relationship piece, although I prefer not to because that would make it more gay


Voting Certain

Both pieces I enjoyed, but the polish in one out shined the overall effect of a stellar closer. Cert simply overpowered his counterpart.
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Old 07-22-2014, 10:35 PM   #6
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The route of all evil? Ominous as fuck.

Certain-

The opening two lines were strong. People love a good opener. In fact the entire first section was airtight, except for maybe the 'ounces of sweat' idea. There for the rhyme. Seems like a LOT of sweat. Small grievance. The second section was the weakest of the four. Lucky for you the other three are as good as they are. The second section seemed a bit choppy. I really disliked the wording of "my state is surrounded by drowning". I think you're better than that. Stilted to me. The ending two lines for the second section redeemed it a bit. The third section is probably the best, but they're pretty evenly great aside from the second section. This portion, in particular,

"Cautionary losses: Sell the stock at its peak.
But while we're rushing to deal, loyal to options and leaks,
they roll our souls out for the optimum lease.
It's obvious we're not up to speed. Trampled and bent
as we fight our way back up the same hills their mansions attend.
Saddled with debt, we've got our headphones turnt.
Beats By Dreams. The bass ensures the end won't hurt."

Was great. Very fluid. Your patented English prowess with strong flow, rhymes, and content. Your ending section was also good. You have a tendency to repeat for effect, I think I've seen you use the same technique in another piece that you do here (repeating a statement then saying the opposite). Maybe not. Who knows. It's cool, though. I liked the ending line. Tied everything in a nice little bow.

The message is pretty clear. Speaks on futility. Moreso about going about our lives oblivious, and kind of proud of it really. Maybe not proud but not necessarily endeavoring to change our behavior. While the evil goes on about it's business. Or something? I'm dumb. One last thing, it was nice to see a pretty pure 'topical'. You've done this before, weaving a vignette or semi-story, almost like a mask to hide the fact you're topicalizationing and pontificating. It's cool.

Well written piece.

King Ra-

@Adonis I'm giving King Ra the benefit of the doubt and saying he added the 'definitely smart' to that line to accentuate the fact that the character is stupid. Like a joke of a line. It's so redundant that only a dumb person would say it. Nahmean? Because King Ra's my nigga and deserves the cred.

Anyhoo, pretty cool take on the topic. Sometimes taking a topic that every tryhard starving textcee will try to spin philosophically and interpreting it extremely literally is creative. It was refreshing.

The verse was decent to good. The rhymes varied from standard to a bit better than standard. You employed some non-normal tricks, like internal dialogue and italics.

I think the problem here was you had your ending but didn't write up to it well enough. This seemed like pretty standard "i h8 girls who break mah heart" verse, with a cool connection to the topic at the end. I would've preferred some more fleshing out of the narrator. A lot of the lines were pretty idiomatic. There weren't many instances of clever wording.

I liked that this wasn't some epic, like usual. You did well in writing something you don't usually do, and that's commendable. Thanks for the read.




Good battle. Definitely the funner/better read of the two semi-finals. Ra had a solid verse, Certain had a great verse. Good job by both.


v/Certain
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Old 07-22-2014, 10:38 PM   #7
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This was definitely a clash of styles here lol Edit:

Certain: this was cool man, honestly not the best I've seen from you especially after last week's verse lol but still you had a lot of extremely fresh wording and quite a few one or "half" liners which were nice like the
"The caveat crawls into a calloused coma: death by fugue."
For some reason that line really stood out to me, I like the idea and the calloused coma at first sounded weird but with the imagery it brought out was really cool.
The flow itself was very...sharp? for lack of a better word. As to say it was short and to the point and was constantly changing never really solidifying a steady tempo but kept it reading at a fairly fast pace. Honestly I preferred the second stanza over the others simply because it flowed the easiest for me even though it was lacking the content and punch of the other 3.
Overall it was an odd display of vocab imagery and metaphors that usually turn me away from a verse but in this case drew me into it more making me think deeper into the meaning and not just the surface story/rhymes.
Good shit bro.

King Ra: Damn man this read a ton smoother than certain's this week but really lacked the usual substance I've came to expect from you. not to say it didn't have a cool spin on a halfway old tale but because i'm use to much bigger concepts from you. It really felt (as pancake said) you had the ending lines first. Honestly I almost ALWAYS wrote the last couple lines to my pieces first and built a story up to them but after competing here I realized how much that limits the rest of the verse. That's what it felt like here, the last few lines and the way you incoorperated the topic at the end literally gave me cold chills (possibly because I was taking a shit and the a/c kicked on) but I really enjoyed the "damn" feeling at the end when I saw how it ended even though I kinda felt it coming.
I wish the character would have had more depth, more development as to WHY he didn't give a shit about the girl.
Especially when it's said "i'll either die or fight for survival". Why? why choose to die if he's gonna try to live anyway? I personally dealt with manic depression for years and never once thought "i'll either shoot myself in the head and die, or i'll live with a fucked up face and be retarded forever" ya feel me?

Overall I really liked both verses. Certain and the subtle meanings the mastery of the English language and the very "pure" writing, Where as Ra focused more on the emotion and topic itself than on the wording and the writing of the piece. I honestly enjoyed Ra's more because of the simplicity and the story telling aspect, but this isn't only an enjoyment vote, its also about technique and writing which I feel certain topped in this battle so I gotta give my vote to
Certain

Dope battle guys
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Old 07-23-2014, 12:49 PM   #8
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Certain, this was bordering on masterful as far as I'm concerned. Very nuanced, with slight, precise turns of phrase in lines that imbued so much depth. Extremely thought-provoking. Wording was very crisp and kept the pace moving. Very enjoyable to read.

Quote:
Saddled with debt, we've got our headphones turnt.
Beats By Dreams. The bass ensures the end won't hurt.
Quote:
But was she ever here or a lie?
You'd be surprised at what a mirror can hide.
Those were a couple of my favourite lines.

My one criticism would be the second stanza... I found the language a bit confusing.

Quote:
The caveat crawls into a calloused coma: death by fugue.
That line just seemed unnecessarily overwrought to me. Also, 'bereavement' and 'grieving' are for most intents and purposes the same thing, so that line didn't really follow through for me. That whole stanza was a bit of a headscratcher... but it was placed within a verse that was otherwise superbly crafted.

King Ra, I like the more casual storytelling approach here... I really liked how you addressed the audience

Quote:
I'd like to propose a toast.... for all the women who've ever broken my heart.
Brings me right into the piece, I've gotta try something like that sometime.

You def captured the dark thought process of a drunken, heartbroken man... really delved in and owned the character.

There were a few lines awkwardly worded that stood out for me:

Quote:
It must have been my fault. I'm stupid & not definitely smart.
Quote:
Not sure if I am dead, but I know I'm not awake.
Trying to process everything in the heart of my brain.
Those lines detracted from the overall feel of this piece for me. I think you attacked the topic with a great approach... I didn't see the reveal coming and it was good. This was a really good stand-alone verse, but a few technical errors, plus the matchup against a beast of a verse from Certain have me leaning towards his offering.

Vote --> Certain
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