Netcees  

Go Back   Netcees > Vault > Archives > The Netcees archive > AOWL Season 3 Archive

User Tag List
e11even, timeless

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 07-03-2014, 01:23 AM   #1
Certain
Mad fucking dangerous.
 
Certain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12,072
Battle Record: 40-19


Champed
- AOWL Season 3
- Art of Writing League (2x)

Rep Power: 85899402
Certain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond repute
Default Round 2: 7. timeless vs. 2. Vividlyvague \\ timeless wins 3-2


Round 2



The Basics | Read the full rules here.

Verses are due Tuesday, July 8 at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Friday, July 11 at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on all three other battles is required. Two votes will be deducted for each missing vote.


Topic


“If a man wants his dreams to come true, he must wake them up.”


Good luck, @timeless and @Vividlyvague.
__________________
I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.
Certain is offline  
Old 07-08-2014, 10:27 PM   #2
timeless
past tense
 
timeless's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 1,627
Battle Record: 22-39



Rep Power: 4341325
timeless has a brilliant futuretimeless has a brilliant futuretimeless has a brilliant futuretimeless has a brilliant futuretimeless has a brilliant futuretimeless has a brilliant futuretimeless has a brilliant futuretimeless has a brilliant futuretimeless has a brilliant futuretimeless has a brilliant futuretimeless has a brilliant future
Default

So far away we go! Trapped, with no place to go.
Stuck, yet I'm raising hope there's an antidote
that will disdain my ropes. I'm taking notes
on how to survive lately, so I chased a goal.
Put my stakes to roll with patience, loath a shady hoax
type of mistake that was paved by an ageless role.
And as I'm seperating souls, Satan walks in,
asked me to change clothes, said we're playing ball and,
"Heaven's involved, begging for the refs to call it. "
Told him I was down, win more with less than all chips.

I knew this was something I had to partake in.
Purgatory hails the ref standing adjacent
to the two big men. They're ready for the tipoff.
Barkley reppin Hell, Shaq is with heaven...It's on!
They got Jesus too, heard he got some freakish moves.
In the Afterlife Pro League, he's leading in hoops.
But Jesus had to leave the game before it started,
that's about when my dreams seemed dearly departed.


I woke up in a daze, forgot to awake for the card game.
My bed and I part ways, my truck and I engaged to start pace.
When I arrived I was amazed, shit I was shell shocked.
I walked in the door to see six men gripping twelve glocks.
Instantly told me to drop or I'd get a bullet in my eyes.
I'm a shoe-in for death, Hell is soon where my tomb will reside.

Now let's try and see what actually happened that night,
turns out that the devil's blood is miraculously white.
Zoom in on the eyes of destruction as I describe this
event I was not on time with. Nor did I cosign it.
I designed it with intent to reach the sky with.
Now climb in and take a ride with me as I rewind bliss : ...
... It all felt timeless. We robbed the card game pretty easily.
Seemingly I was in the clear at peace, until three men seen
that it was a good idea to kill the other four of us and split the green.
Even in my dreams I end up in Hell, the lord doesn't speak to me...

...No text, no phone call, no skype, a prayer is self awareness
of any situation, good or bad. Alls you need is good health and a therapist?
Wrong. Your whole solution is criminally insane, deranged.
That explains the world today in vein, pain is not tamed to behave.

For instance,
When I'm up, I'm suddenly down, cant make much of the sounds
of poverty through the window pane when change smothers the crowd.
With the pain under the clouds, rain buckles you down.
Especially when your soul's name has chucked in the towel.
Square one at all times by default, small crimes align your thoughts.
Anything for a dollar, a scholar's mind you bought.
Until you sought to rewrite the book of Life, that you never had an ending for.
Get lost in due time, your lone island has sank.
It is nevermore.

Passerby's go slashing by ontop of a half glass full,
patiently distraught by the void of a mishap or two.
But who's really counting sheep in the crawlspaces?
Wiggle your way out of the limelight's wrong faces.
Sleep with hatred, awake with a creation to remind mankind
that there's an entire world of people like you and me..
..and we're there now, barely surviving with the decline of minds.
days are dreams wound tight and speak fluently.
Just remember, there's a whole world full of people just like you and me.
Now it's time for me to go back to sleep.
timeless is offline  
Old 07-09-2014, 03:00 AM   #3
e11even
V.V
 
e11even's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: .
Posts: 2,076
Battle Record: 31-20



Rep Power: 6247256
e11even has a brilliant futuree11even has a brilliant futuree11even has a brilliant futuree11even has a brilliant futuree11even has a brilliant futuree11even has a brilliant futuree11even has a brilliant futuree11even has a brilliant futuree11even has a brilliant futuree11even has a brilliant futuree11even has a brilliant future
Default VentriloQuest.

If a man wants his dreams to come true, he must wake them up.

I keep a ***he of lifeless bodies. Skeletons of absent hobbies. Relevant, but honestly the elephant has packed this lobby. Am I too old to grasp this passion to pass it to my hatching offspring? No idea, but this is plaguing me and that's the problem. Puppets of destiny with frayed cables in my subconscious are begging reanimation... procrastination rears it's noggin. Between self loathing and masturbation, I mask the vacant promise that I'll be greater than my inebriation or the faggot breeding my karmas. I need to escape, fetal in-place strafing the options. I'm feeble yet great, feeding to fates that are less awesome. I need to be vague. My social landscape just hit rock bottom, so no need to relate. I treat my state like all the Baldwins. Copping out of a Copperfield resurrection gives an erection knowing the progress, but the Marrionettes reliving my steps to live without caution? I fail to wake them all up.
__________________
Ahem.
e11even is offline  
Old 07-11-2014, 10:15 PM   #4
Pinot Grij
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 863
Battle Record: 23-19

Accomplishments
- OM HOF

Champed
- Fight Night 2
- Write Week V
- Netcees Battle League (2x)
- Winter Topical II
- 1-2 Punch league

Rep Power: 29195060
Pinot Grij has a brilliant futurePinot Grij has a brilliant futurePinot Grij has a brilliant futurePinot Grij has a brilliant futurePinot Grij has a brilliant futurePinot Grij has a brilliant futurePinot Grij has a brilliant futurePinot Grij has a brilliant futurePinot Grij has a brilliant futurePinot Grij has a brilliant futurePinot Grij has a brilliant future
Default

I don't think I'm shocking anyone by voting timeless here.

It would be interesting to see what developed here. Vivid, you were all over the map, but some of the rhymes were pretty cool.

Timeless, this was a big, sweeping story that probably could've been cut down a bit ... felt like it dragged. Went all over the place from comical to kinda dire - maybe could've been a bit more focused? In any event, you take this one.
__________________
Topical C.R.E.A.M.
Pinot Grij is offline  
Old 07-11-2014, 10:25 PM   #5
YDK
ghost in the matrix
 
YDK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Covington, KY
Posts: 4,564
Battle Record: 14-25


Champed
- Art of Writing League (x2)
- Lime Green Poetry Association

Rep Power: 8181109
YDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant futureYDK has a brilliant future
Default

Hmm this kinda threw me off tbh lol funny how you both used your user names in the piece btw.
So yeah, Timeless your piece was a bit sporadic, I get the idea you were going for and that chaos is always a big factor in dreams so props on pulling that part off, but I felt the details could have been established more because with dreams (for me atleast) emotion is the strongest suit so for the randomness you were going for it worked but lacked all emotion. if you could have slipped in a bit more emotion and focused on one or 2 dreams I feel this would have been epic. but for what it is it's still a solid piece with a strong flow and cool ending.
Vivid, your piece seemed to be on track to take on timeless' and beat it but with how short it was and how quickly it ended I cant help but feel left wanting. it was cool, flowed great, and had a lot of potential but surprisingly it failed to reach it as it rarely does in my experience's reading your pieces.
I gotta vote Timeless here for the more complete piece. dope shit fellas
__________________
YDK is offline  
Old 07-11-2014, 10:48 PM   #6
oats
Steel Cut
 
oats's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 5,072
Battle Record: 19-10

Accomplishments
- OM HOF (2x)

Champed
- Fight Night LXXXIV
- Art of Writing League

Rep Power: 79005424
oats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant future
Default

Timeless: I'm not gonna lie man, I had a really tough time making any sense of this. So it starts off with a hint of the upcoming plan to rob a card game (survival/shady hoax) but then he's in purgatory playing ball with Jesus and Satan, which is of course a dream, then he wakes up to go rob the card game, which is also a dream? And the last three stanzas are all over the place, with plenty of lines that meant nothing to me:

Wrong. Your whole solution is criminally insane, deranged.
That explains the world today in vein, pain is not tamed to behave.

Passerby's go slashing by ontop of a half glass full,

^^both of those, again, just seem like space filler. I kinda get what you were going for, that this poor dude is down on his luck with no other option but to rob a card game, and his co-conspirators betray him (though at one point you said 6 men held guns at him, then you went on to say that it was 4 guys who wanted to kill the other 3), but the bouncing in and out of dream-states didn't work for me, just made it more confusing. The ending after he "died" didn't tie it together or clarify it for me, just continued the dizziness. Sorry if this sounds overly harsh, I read it 4 times and really tried to figure out what was going on, but it didn't work for me. Maybe I'm just an idiot though.

Vivid: this also took me a few reads to get into, but when I did it felt good. I can definitely feel the frustration of not cashing in on your dreams and relegating them to hobby status, and when you have free time you just end up jerking off or fucking around and then hours go by and you haven't done a single thing, and when you're busy you just wish you had more time. Some of the language was clunky, and I wish you would have been more specific (I personally saw this in terms of the dream of being a writer, but that's probably just me projecting), but as is it was a safe drop.

Vote: Oddly enough, I gotta go with Vivid here. I had a tough time getting into Timeless' verse, and Vivid was simple and straightforward, which worked in comparison. Had timeless come with his usual strengths, I think he would have taken this easily, because Vivd's was fairly average, but I think he took a gamble and flopped imo.
__________________
You should be water
oats is offline  
Old 07-12-2014, 01:49 AM   #7
Certain
Mad fucking dangerous.
 
Certain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12,072
Battle Record: 40-19


Champed
- AOWL Season 3
- Art of Writing League (2x)

Rep Power: 85899402
Certain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond repute
Default

timeless: I think with a lot of your more ambitious verses — and this is the most ambitious I've seen from you — you fail to ground your characters and images and even word choice. You bounce around a lot, as though there's no central purpose, and that leads to a lot of disharmony and lacking clarity. Now, I should add that this problem is endemic in a lot of text rap, but I think it's the biggest issue hold you back. If you could come up with a sketch of where you were going with a verse before you started writing, you actually might find yourself saving time because you'd be able to write more concisely. Here, there was too much going on to follow it all. And the connections weren't clear enough. I think the topic was a challenge for you because it grew your ambitions. You could have stuck with one cogent path from a dream but chose instead to sprawl. The rhymes were very heavy and mostly fine, as the cadence stuck. But every time the verse grabbed my interest, it switched on to a different tip.

Vividlyvague: Your signature (especially with "perfect" misspelled) is the ideal ending to this verse. There were some really good sections to this, slick phrasing and enviable rhyming. But it never came anywhere near a whole because there was no thread running through it to tie together the loose ends, and the relation to the topic was very much tacked on to the end. You procrastinated and ended up with a short verse that had some potential but fell way short. At least timeless tried to tie his pieces together to a degree. I'll take the thematic ambition over the freewrite any day.

Vote: timeless
__________________
I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.
Certain is offline  
Old 07-12-2014, 08:43 PM   #8
big baby
obsessed
 
big baby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: fucka idiyote
Posts: 5,716
Battle Record: Faggot-1

Accomplishments
- can recite entirety of shrek 2

Champed
- tangoed with spider man behind scenes in spider-man 2
- was candidate for gerber baby 3x
- smush parker like bb comment on instagram saying "u fucka suck idiyote"
- smush beer on head and didn't cry
- parallel parked in between 2 ferrari's in tonky truck once
- when saying pledge of allegiance i said "i don't" lmao deadass bb satan
- won tshirt from taco bell saying "taco cat" is the same backwards for filling out 500 surveys in a
- neighbor house caught on fire i call FIRE department and saved lives, was in newspaper
- set neighbor house on fire lmao
- fuck neighbor husband and wife
- first fish caught resembled david ortiz
- colin kaepernick
- related to genghis khan
- elected assistant to the vice president assistant to the president for regional chess club
- never lost game of hide and seek

Rep Power: 8599678
big baby has a brilliant futurebig baby has a brilliant futurebig baby has a brilliant futurebig baby has a brilliant futurebig baby has a brilliant futurebig baby has a brilliant futurebig baby has a brilliant futurebig baby has a brilliant futurebig baby has a brilliant futurebig baby has a brilliant futurebig baby has a brilliant future
Send a message via AIM to big baby
Default

vote later, only one left. lazy atm
__________________
precision defender
Quote:
Originally Posted by greed View Post
If mentioned in a discussion its who'd still use wordy lines and act all dope
Then again hes had this schtick so long he like bb da bb da bb thats all folks
big baby is offline  
Old 07-13-2014, 01:31 AM   #9
King Ra.
The Throne, The Crown
 
King Ra.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 2,667
Battle Record: 21-35



Rep Power: 1932960
King Ra. has a brilliant futureKing Ra. has a brilliant futureKing Ra. has a brilliant futureKing Ra. has a brilliant futureKing Ra. has a brilliant futureKing Ra. has a brilliant futureKing Ra. has a brilliant futureKing Ra. has a brilliant futureKing Ra. has a brilliant futureKing Ra. has a brilliant futureKing Ra. has a brilliant future
Default

This was a rather weird match up. At first glance, it seems like an easy vote because of the length of timeless' piece in comparison to Vivid's. But this is definitely much, much closer when reading both pieces. I have a hard time choosing who wins because both of you were sporadic and uncertain in your directions.

timeless, I had a hard time trying to understand your direction. The sporadic bouncing throughout I understand, because apparently its based on a dream? but when tying everything together to the topic or an overall point, I just can't see it. You had some moments where you had good phrases and other moments where it seemed unnecessary/forced. Sometimes felt like you were packing in too much to fit in with your story. The first two stanzas threw me off. You sort of switched up and it didn't transition well. That's another knock I have with your piece. The transitioning between stanzas was off somewhat. While there were many flaws, as I mentioned earlier, you had some good lines throughout. Also, your rhyming for the most part was on point outside of a few hiccups. Overall, it was a risky direction, I commend you for being ambitious, but maybe it was too ambitious?

Vivid, you must have not really had the time or put in the time to put together a complete piece, and just like Zenland in round one and Certain in this round, you took a hand in paragraph form. While you weren't as sporadic as your opponent, you left much to be desired by the time I got to the end of your story. You sort of went a similar direction as timeless, seems like you also inserted a dream like theme, except yours was more tight knit. I just wish this was much longer though. The rhyming was on point, and you had some cool phrases as well. Your piece was more of a traditional topical drop, though I'm surprised you didn't formulate a story which is your strength. Like timeless, its difficult for me to see the connection to the topic clearly, but despite the length of your piece, and because of timeless sporafic showing, you did enough to warrant a closer match than at first glance.


This is a hard one to choose. Both pieces didn't clearly tie to the topic well, I felt both of you could have done more to make it clearer. This will come down to who I felt was closest to presenting a more clearer picture. At first thought, I felt despite timeless' sporadic display story wise, he packed in enough to get my vote. Then reading Vivid's short piece, despite it's lack of content he was more precise in the little he put together. Very difficult. I'm going to take the other route as oats did and go with Vivid. A lot of timeless story could easily be cut out to make for a more cleaner piece, but I feel Vivid was a bit more closer to the topic and had a clearer direction.

MVGT: Vividlyvague. Good job by both competitors.
__________________
Vetwork, bitches.
King Ra. is offline  
Closed Thread

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 02:58 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2024 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Google+