Netcees  

Go Back   Netcees > Vault > Archives > The Netcees archive > AOWL Season 7 Archive

User Tag List

 
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 01-02-2017, 12:45 PM   #1
Adonis
Tsk Tsk
 
Adonis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Beer Goggles
Posts: 4,834
Battle Record: 36-34


Champed
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- NFL Pick'em 2016-17

Rep Power: 9946445
Adonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant future
Default Week 3: Razah vs. Adonis [Adonis 3-2 ]



Season 7

Verses are due Thursday 1/5 at 11:59 PST. EXT 1/6 11:59 PST

Voting ends Sunday 1/8 at 11:59 PST

Verses may not exceed 48 lines

Voting on 3 battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will not receive a victory. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension.



Topic: Balancing Act

@Razah
__________________
I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is

TUPAC SHAKUR

Last edited by Adonis; 01-09-2017 at 06:16 PM.
Adonis is offline  
Old 01-02-2017, 08:13 PM   #2
Razah
rockkFresh
 
Razah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Chicago.
Posts: 1,088
Battle Record: 8-10


Champed
- Art of Writing League

Rep Power: 11328542
Razah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant future
Default

word.
Razah is offline  
Old 01-03-2017, 11:42 PM   #3
Adonis
Tsk Tsk
 
Adonis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Beer Goggles
Posts: 4,834
Battle Record: 36-34


Champed
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- NFL Pick'em 2016-17

Rep Power: 9946445
Adonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant future
Default

No rest for blue collars
__________________
I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is

TUPAC SHAKUR
Adonis is offline  
Old 01-04-2017, 12:55 AM   #4
Adonis
Tsk Tsk
 
Adonis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Beer Goggles
Posts: 4,834
Battle Record: 36-34


Champed
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- NFL Pick'em 2016-17

Rep Power: 9946445
Adonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant future
Default

~A Walk Around Redemption~
A Tale Broke Free




I’ve been lost before, just not today
Cracked asphalt could not, block my way
Nor pot holes or pot heads, see...
These crooked streets raised me to not be dead
So I, popped more lead
Taking aim at anyone who would POP! my cred
See, I can out line with chalk…
Every ounce of breath
Leaving victims in the wake that’s left
Or I can take aim with a side arm possessed
Either way, be alarmed, with a form unchecked
Ego swells and consumes each chef
For the Iron in utensil is the poem I bless
To each his own, see…
I can roam this nest
Walk away with gold round neck
Or play poetically inclined, and still own my check
Ghost writtens can’t be known unless,
He can slip in the hints over years on net
So he writes and he writes
Endless nights behind bars
Beats behind ears, the pen is a hell of a place to be dear
But he don’t care, nope, he can bear it all here
He can hike up his cuffs and expose it clear
Or…
Spit raw for dividends, folding concepts within
Origami in verse - Calmly honoring words
So yes, he learned long ago
The balancing act is more pogo
for the ups and the downs, and the highs and the lows
They all swirl into a verse he modestly wrote.




~
__________________
I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is

TUPAC SHAKUR

Last edited by Adonis; 01-05-2017 at 09:49 AM.
Adonis is offline  
Old 01-06-2017, 12:21 AM   #5
Razah
rockkFresh
 
Razah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Chicago.
Posts: 1,088
Battle Record: 8-10


Champed
- Art of Writing League

Rep Power: 11328542
Razah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant future
Default

The perfect picture was a house, a tree, the sun- & a cloud I drew
No longer impressed when they surround my view- Picture perfect, now it's you
It's like somehow I knew, when the time came I was astounded too
The admiration is beyond words, but I'm bound to them like I'm bound to you
If I could only define it- You can make my blood boil & still be causing a clot
Still, you're like the greatest story ever told, I'm forever lost in the plot
Surprised you don't flaunt it a lot, the way my heart beats I can waltz on the spot
The true beauty's when you find a moment for us, whether you're exhausted or not
& I admire it so, a true goddess indeed, you must've inspired the scrolls
I still get lost in your eyes, & the way you look back can set a fire to souls
Yet you made my heart flutter- Since day one I knew you were trouble
But timing is everything, we're both victims to the most confusing of puzzles
As we piece our life together, remember, what we're holding is rare
I can't explain the feelings I feel or thoughts that I have for every moment we share
I'm always left speechless- You're breath-taking, sorry, I had to distract
The puzzle's almost complete, until then we'll continue this balancing act.
Razah is offline  
Old 01-07-2017, 11:02 PM   #6
Coup
Don't believe the hype
 
Coup's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 572
Battle Record: 4-5



Rep Power: 0
Coup Coup Coup Coup Coup Coup Coup Coup Coup Coup Coup
Default

first dude (adonispad)

nice section here:

See, I can out line with chalk…
Every ounce of breath
Leaving victims in the wake that’s left
Or I can take aim with a side arm possessed
Either way, be alarmed, with a form unchecked
Ego swells and consumes each chef
For the Iron in utensil is the poem I bless


lol at the chef play...I'll bite.

From "beats behind the ears..." to the close I felt could have been reworded not only for flow, but as well as for visual imagery.

I was bumping along the piece that had an oft times smooth flow and oft times jarring flow...UNLESS you read this piece on the beat and on the rhythm dictated by its line structure. The effect, positive or negative then, rest on the readers ability or his patience...risky business.

Overall I like the care free and clarity of presentation, no straining at gnats to find meaning, a strait forward start to finish...this is to be highly cherished.

//

second dude (razahpad)

Razah coming with a safe, maybe predictable verse? Or maybe there is more... however it may be, the ending lines tied it all together (to the topic at hand) very well. Smooth content delivery, made it look easy to do: each line really carrying on to the next and so forth, not much wasted band-with.

The opening is evidence:
The perfect picture was a house, a tree, the sun- & a cloud I drew
No longer impressed when they surround my view- Picture perfect, now it's you
It's like somehow I knew, when the time came I was astounded too
The admiration is beyond words, but I'm bound to them like I'm bound to you
If I could only define it- You can make my blood boil & still be causing a clot
Still, you're like the greatest story ever told, I'm forever lost in the plot


This is either genius or just cliche...lol but well done none the less. The whole verse is this way.


and in the end, for more risk, more original "universe creating", for a bit more exploration and development I

Vote: first dude (adonispad)


This battle was very tough, and first dude (adnoispad) by a thin margin.
__________________
What is public must be legit, fit for average consumption, don't forget. What is private is handled by pirates, prying loose profits from prosthetics. To tell the difference between: first remain unseen with a steady breath and hope, then listen to the cracks in the wall with a stethoscope.
Coup is offline  
Old 01-08-2017, 02:36 AM   #7
Nigma
The COAT...
 
Nigma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 1,724
Battle Record: 28-20


Champed
- Art of Writing League (x3)

Rep Power: 4595810
Nigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant future
Default

Adonis, neat little verse.. interesting angle on your topic, borderline stretched to me. A few references throughout, enough to lure the reader (and voter) around for the trip.mechwnically sound with bouncy flow . Imaginative imagery for things you don't see unique spins of, seldom does someone chose to write about the writing process.

Razah, I really liked this verse. Although I felt there were comparably lose connections to the topic as your opponents verse however your angle was less cooquial and managed to draw me in more. The confusing of puzzles line felt unnatural but the rest really worked for me. You too tried to tien it in with the closer but we're more successful imo.

+1 Razah
__________________
Nigma is offline  
Old 01-08-2017, 01:43 PM   #8
Adonis
Tsk Tsk
 
Adonis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Beer Goggles
Posts: 4,834
Battle Record: 36-34


Champed
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- NFL Pick'em 2016-17

Rep Power: 9946445
Adonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant future
Default

Tied 1-1
__________________
I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is

TUPAC SHAKUR

Last edited by Adonis; 01-09-2017 at 04:29 AM.
Adonis is offline  
Old 01-08-2017, 08:20 PM   #9
e11even
V.V
 
e11even's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: .
Posts: 2,076
Battle Record: 31-20



Rep Power: 6247256
e11even has a brilliant futuree11even has a brilliant futuree11even has a brilliant futuree11even has a brilliant futuree11even has a brilliant futuree11even has a brilliant futuree11even has a brilliant futuree11even has a brilliant futuree11even has a brilliant futuree11even has a brilliant futuree11even has a brilliant future
Default

MVGT Adonis

I enjoyed both pieces. Adonis's was cool overall in his wording and flow, but I didn't like the "see...see...see..." Razah played on my naivete as a teen in the poetry I tended to write, and he did well with formulating his flow and structuring his rhyme scheme. I reall thought this was really close, but I chose Adonis for his piece being something a little fresher for me. Great job guys.
__________________
Ahem.
e11even is offline  
Old 01-08-2017, 10:01 PM   #10
Sammy
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 103



Champed
- Write Week 7

Rep Power: 3415772
Sammy has a brilliant futureSammy has a brilliant futureSammy has a brilliant futureSammy has a brilliant futureSammy has a brilliant futureSammy has a brilliant futureSammy has a brilliant futureSammy has a brilliant futureSammy has a brilliant futureSammy has a brilliant futureSammy has a brilliant future
Default

Aite

Adonis, is this a verse about writing? Points deducted right away due to lack of originality but the worse part was the lack of creativity. Including this verse here, ur last few outings been very meta and without a proper or rather "interesting" framework it's pretty corny. Mechanically this was good however quite a bit of awkward wording. " iron in utensil is the poem I bless" what does that even mean, son? Thing was u set it up with the previous line which makes it less impressive.

Razah, Not bad but if I can be perfectly honest, the shit was too expositional. Should I remind u of the show don't tell adage? Anyways just fuckin wit ya. And who is this object of affection? You wasted most of ur effort on telling us but the most important component for the telling wasn't told at all. Is this a metaphor for writing? Was it a chick?

Not too impress with either verses but if I had to pick I'd go with razahrector. It was boring but it was less pretentious and was a bit more creative.

Last edited by Sammy; 01-08-2017 at 10:16 PM.
Sammy is offline  
Old 01-09-2017, 01:30 AM   #11
asylum
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 993
Battle Record: 7-5



Rep Power: 8214208
asylum has a brilliant futureasylum has a brilliant futureasylum has a brilliant futureasylum has a brilliant futureasylum has a brilliant futureasylum has a brilliant futureasylum has a brilliant futureasylum has a brilliant futureasylum has a brilliant futureasylum has a brilliant futureasylum has a brilliant future
Default

Im giving this to adonis because i connected with his character more, granted he had less content but more emotion from that small content and controversy. His character development was a little better, not feeling love stories right now i guess but i just liked adonis verse a little bit more

Razah you had some sick rhymes bro but it feels like u got lost in that and i did feel your piece but i never connected with your character, you never put me there to feel how you were trying to portray so she didnt look to me like she did to you. But it was a sick piece bro.
asylum is offline  
 

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 06:32 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2024 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Google+