Netcees  

Go Back   Netcees > Forum > Open Mic Section

User Tag List

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 05-15-2020, 10:42 AM   #1
Scar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 530
Battle Record: 7-5


Champed
- Guerrilla Writing League

Rep Power: 5689705
Scar has a brilliant futureScar has a brilliant futureScar has a brilliant futureScar has a brilliant futureScar has a brilliant futureScar has a brilliant futureScar has a brilliant futureScar has a brilliant futureScar has a brilliant futureScar has a brilliant futureScar has a brilliant future
Default The Wendigo



It’s a little long so I’m apologizing in advance lukz. I’m really interested in knowing what i can improve on because I’m prepping for another run at gwl and opponents are getting tougher Every week.

Quote:
"When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you" - Nietzsche


"The Wendigo"

I.
The study maintained a rich facet of worldly laurels
Runes and rarities, heirlooms, very distinct pearls and corals
Possessions swaddled in prize and “masculinity”
Heads of lions and wildebeests with forlorn eyes,
You swear they were alive. He penned a piece:

It was a battle of wit and prowess.
What mattered that minute was power.
The cat had strength and cunning.
Yet i overcame as it lunged in
I could smell its pungent breath
It was then I realized death has an odor


Walter examined the text taking careful deliberation
To his left was an arrow, chafed, and a pair of vintage paintings
An image of a thin injun racing along an open creek
Over his shoulder, a beast - The Wendigo, its golden fleece..
glistening in the evening sun.
“ ...so unique, I'll see you soon”
A vow eschewed just beyond the reach of youth
He needed this. He needed truth
Not to prove to naysayers but to maintain the painted repute
Reputation is an art and color changes with view

II.
::Somewhere in South America::
The jungle was as he read in those adventure novels
Beads of sweat; rendered helpless to the whelms of Apollo
Up ahead a hollow chasm stained by earth’s codex
He peered down to assess the girth and observe its full depth
A strange lull lamented to one peculiar silence
Gone were the sounds of wildlife. Somethings missing..

III.
::Earlier that day::
The natives were clad in colored extravagants
Made from berries and black saps that sets..
along a patch of yellow lilies grown along the Parana bank
Walter felt a kinship. They were hunters like himself
not quite his equal, they were savages; “animals” he felt,
lack the soul of the civilized. But that will to survive, a prize in itself

The High priest awaited his arrival
His body, blotches of dots representing songs and symbols
arranged in artworks that echoed across ponds and temples;
appeasing the call of the Godess Im-Oh

“Come in, Walter” he said, gesturing with his hand
Walter enters the barrier, aware the respect he commands
“I did not come for protections” he stammered
“I’m here for information”
“Information?” Asked the Priest, dreading the answer
“Wendigo” said Walter, in a rather callow manner
“There are more than birds and beasts in this world” asserted the priest
“And as such, we are not meant to disturb the world beneath
There are places forbidden..”
“NOTHING IS FORBIDDEN TO ME! All you need is nerve, you'll see”

IV.
::present time::
“Something’s not right..” the air felt stale, lack of substance
He’s felt panic in all its facets but this...this….was past such junction
Near collapse, his eyes diverted back to the sun’s tainted glow
At that instance, the ledge gave way as Walter plummet into the space below

V.
Darkness. All around him were darkness beyond reach
Even his thoughts fell between horror and reprieve
His motion suspended, still that sensation of falling deceives
"Floating", perhaps the word choice for a more congruous means
It wasn’t all alien, he’s felt it before, many times as a kid
plummeting of the stomach; a 'coaster ride the rise and sudden dip

Though rendered weak, he notices a deep drumming gradually starting
It was soft yet deafening - caught in a pulse of calamity's calm
However it was not of auditory sensory, but a fabrication of the mind.
Unsure if it’s a product of inner needs or him processing the grandeur, sublime

Then…..

Halt…

“IIIMMMM…...OOOOOOHHH

With the last of his strength, Walter uttered “Whhhhooooo is that????”

“IIIMMM…….OOOOOOOHHH”

VI.
In the vast canvas of darkness, an even darker, massive figure took shape
It shook and quake his inner psyche despite no movements made
A light slowly manifested within the huge ass cave
It was an endless, boundless stretch beyond time and space
The sound it made-

“IIIIMMMM…...OOOOOOOOHHHHHH”

It’s body a disjointed compulsion of size and shapes.
Eyes would race from back to front, side to side in violent waves
the pressure! the scope left to his primitive cognition
It was all a bit much even for one such as Walter’s position
He felt its mental clutch. Around it, little lights and dust floated about
He adjusted his sight, examining tiny clusters of clouds
Blinking as the particles progresses in spiral patterns
His mind rattled, as he gathered what his mind would fashion
All sense and logic thrown out, he was witnessing THE TAPESTRY
the lights were suns and stars, the small concentric dusts were galaxies!
Meanwhile he’s being ripped apart, shifting back and forth from reality
Future, past and present, tossing turning simultaneously
He sees a child walking in a dust bowl that transformed into a tranquil sea
Freezing, burning, relief, the hurt, accidents, purpose - how could this be?!
Then….

SILENCE.

“IIIMMMMM…...OOOOOOHHHHH”

The primordial goddess sung her last tune,
resetting his reality as Walter collapsed in this vast tomb.

VII.
He opened his eyes. He can feel the rays of the sun.
The warmth on his skin, negated the pain that succumb
Awake, Walter recognizes the shape of the enclosure
It was a cave! He made it back, still dazed from the excursion
The light urging him on. Hurt, he followed the sound and the scent
to an open creek, there he sees a thin boy of native descent
HEY!!! HELLLPP!!, he pleaded - the boy would see him and run
As Walter looked on, his skin glistening in the evening sun










Last edited by Scar; 05-15-2020 at 11:56 AM.
Scar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-15-2020, 11:20 AM   #2
Johnny 6 feet
Storyteller
 
Johnny 6 feet's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 446
Battle Record: 8-4


Champed
- Guerrilla Writing League

Rep Power: 5558443
Johnny 6 feet has a brilliant futureJohnny 6 feet has a brilliant futureJohnny 6 feet has a brilliant futureJohnny 6 feet has a brilliant futureJohnny 6 feet has a brilliant futureJohnny 6 feet has a brilliant futureJohnny 6 feet has a brilliant futureJohnny 6 feet has a brilliant futureJohnny 6 feet has a brilliant futureJohnny 6 feet has a brilliant futureJohnny 6 feet has a brilliant future
Default

I felt like I was reading a piece of classic literature than a by the numbers open mic effort. This was brilliantly original in it's concept and beautiful realised by your choice of vocab which gave a sense of sophistication without coming off as pretentious. That's a difficult balance to achieve. The imagery was great; I could visualise the story in all it's locations, twists and turns. I had a great sense of the main characters personality and you linked the piece to the picture perfectly. Well done.

Keep up the quality work mate.
Johnny 6 feet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-15-2020, 11:22 AM   #3
Universe
Everything's Connected
 
Universe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Niagara Falls, Canada
Posts: 999
Battle Record: 19-8


Champed
- Guerrilla Writing League(2x)
- GWL Picture challenge(2x)
- Art of Writing League

Rep Power: 10178702
Universe has a brilliant futureUniverse has a brilliant futureUniverse has a brilliant futureUniverse has a brilliant futureUniverse has a brilliant futureUniverse has a brilliant futureUniverse has a brilliant futureUniverse has a brilliant futureUniverse has a brilliant futureUniverse has a brilliant futureUniverse has a brilliant future
Default

@Scar you got to make the print bigger man I'm on my phone and it's a nightmare to read... and I WANT to read this. Seems epic.

Please edit this asap.
__________________
..Passed the Present and Future..
Universe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-15-2020, 12:15 PM   #4
Adverse
low tide in serotonin bay
 
Adverse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,737
Battle Record: 37-28


Champed
- GWL Picture Challenge
- Guerrilla Writing League
- Black August II

Rep Power: 15446142
Adverse has a brilliant futureAdverse has a brilliant futureAdverse has a brilliant futureAdverse has a brilliant futureAdverse has a brilliant futureAdverse has a brilliant futureAdverse has a brilliant futureAdverse has a brilliant futureAdverse has a brilliant futureAdverse has a brilliant futureAdverse has a brilliant future
Default

This was captivating man, the story was golden from the beginning to finish, wasn’t a huge amount up for interpretation but that’s a good thing, you told the story in a very straight line and then once he wound up in the beast’s lair the imagery and vocabulary really started clicking on all cylinders, this whole excerpt right here was super dope to me

It’s body a disjointed compulsion of size and shapes.
Eyes would race from back to front, side to side in violent waves
the pressure! the scope left to his primitive cognition
It was all a bit much even for one such as Walter’s position
He felt its mental clutch. Around it, little lights and dust floated about
He adjusted his sight, examining tiny clusters of clouds
Blinking as the particles progresses in spiral patterns
His mind rattled, as he gathered what his mind would fashion
All sense and logic thrown out, he was witnessing THE TAPESTRY
the lights were suns and stars, the small concentric dusts were galaxies!
Meanwhile he’s being ripped apart, shifting back and forth from reality
Future, past and present, tossing turning simultaneously
He sees a child walking in a dust bowl that transformed into a tranquil sea
Freezing, burning, relief, the hurt, accidents, purpose - how could this be?!
Then….

Just the descriptiveness here was amazing to me. Imagery was great. Like Johnny said this felt like classic literature more than it did a hip hop topical, it felt Dickens esque. My only complaint was with the line that talked about a “huge ass cave” it felt really out of place, but that’s my only complaint. I don’t think you really need advice for the GWL. Your verse that week just simply didn’t stack up to Bodey’s. It was a misstep if anything, everyone knows you’re a dope writer so sign back in and you’ll be right back in the mix for the champ in no time. Great piece worth the read
Adverse is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-15-2020, 12:20 PM   #5
Universe
Everything's Connected
 
Universe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Niagara Falls, Canada
Posts: 999
Battle Record: 19-8


Champed
- Guerrilla Writing League(2x)
- GWL Picture challenge(2x)
- Art of Writing League

Rep Power: 10178702
Universe has a brilliant futureUniverse has a brilliant futureUniverse has a brilliant futureUniverse has a brilliant futureUniverse has a brilliant futureUniverse has a brilliant futureUniverse has a brilliant futureUniverse has a brilliant futureUniverse has a brilliant futureUniverse has a brilliant futureUniverse has a brilliant future
Default

Okay that's better lol.

Yeah, I mean... this was a pleasure to read. Epic in scope and equal in follow through. There's a little too much to breakdown though so I'll keep it more general... The way you present your verses is amazing to me... It's literally like a novel. The detail is staggering but unfortunately, I feel you will lose some people because of it. But not this guy lol. I love how your pieces tend to all come full circle too... From what I gathered, Walter WAS the Wendigo, and the entire time he was searching for himself. I think the fall into the abyss was metaphorical, showing his "proper" society-acceptable side hiding away within himself so the primal beast can be let loose. Am I correct about that? I hope I am.

You are probably the best storytelling topical writer I have ever seen, in terms of detail and plotting and just straight up passion. And that includes myself back in my heyday lol. Only thing I can really suggest to you is to dumb yourself down a bit... lol. Sounds like I'm joking but I'm not. People don't like to be made to feel stupid and they will mask this feeling with indifference, if you let them. Concentrate on perfecting your lines and being as crystal clear as possible without losing your talents... that's the tight rope walking routine we all need to balance.

As much as we want to show people what we can do... It's almost more important to let people in to enjoy themselves and not feel overwhelmed.

So yeah, basically you're TOO good so stop with that lol. Great work here, well worth the wait for me. Come back to the GWL man... I'd say you're more than ready. :)
__________________
..Passed the Present and Future..
Universe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-15-2020, 03:39 PM   #6
Scar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 530
Battle Record: 7-5


Champed
- Guerrilla Writing League

Rep Power: 5689705
Scar has a brilliant futureScar has a brilliant futureScar has a brilliant futureScar has a brilliant futureScar has a brilliant futureScar has a brilliant futureScar has a brilliant futureScar has a brilliant futureScar has a brilliant futureScar has a brilliant futureScar has a brilliant future
Default

Quote:
suggest to you is to dumb yourself down a bit... lol. Sounds like I'm joking but I'm not. People don't like to be made to feel stupid and they will mask this feeling with indifference, if you let them. Concentrate on perfecting your lines and being as crystal clear as possible
@Universe, awesome bro. this was what i was hoping for. i can use this.
@Johnny 6 feet @Adverse thanks for reading and the kind words brothers.
Scar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2020, 10:34 AM   #7
Sinacog
Satan
 
Sinacog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 2,093
Battle Record: 4-25



Rep Power: 8129212
Sinacog has a brilliant futureSinacog has a brilliant futureSinacog has a brilliant futureSinacog has a brilliant futureSinacog has a brilliant futureSinacog has a brilliant futureSinacog has a brilliant futureSinacog has a brilliant futureSinacog has a brilliant futureSinacog has a brilliant futureSinacog has a brilliant future
Default

Terrible, LMAO.
Sinacog is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2020, 08:51 PM   #8
Exis
............
 
Exis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,938
Battle Record: 3-3



Rep Power: 0
Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis
Default

^^Yes you are ;)
@Scar...I'll get at this soon bro, word shits long lol.
Exis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-21-2020, 03:12 PM   #9
Concrete
Senior Member
 
Concrete's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Oslo
Posts: 179
Battle Record: 5-0



Rep Power: 2158974
Concrete has a brilliant futureConcrete has a brilliant futureConcrete has a brilliant futureConcrete has a brilliant futureConcrete has a brilliant futureConcrete has a brilliant futureConcrete has a brilliant futureConcrete has a brilliant futureConcrete has a brilliant futureConcrete has a brilliant futureConcrete has a brilliant future
Default

Pretty much nailed all aspects of writing here. If I'd to describe this with one word it would be professional. Not much to add except it was just an enjoyable read for me, ever considered writing a book or something?
Concrete is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-01-2020, 11:58 AM   #10
Witty
Lime Life
 
Witty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 16,784
Battle Record: 30-41

Accomplishments
- Only Slightly Retarded

Champed
- Lyric Olympics
- Summer Classic

Rep Power: 82986458
Witty has a brilliant futureWitty has a brilliant futureWitty has a brilliant futureWitty has a brilliant futureWitty has a brilliant futureWitty has a brilliant futureWitty has a brilliant futureWitty has a brilliant futureWitty has a brilliant futureWitty has a brilliant futureWitty has a brilliant future
Default

Too lazy to actually give you any feedback. But I very much enjoyed this.

Thank you.
__________________
He listens to voices inside of his mind
Explicit and poisonous violent crime.

Witty is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:03 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2024 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Google+