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Old 06-13-2013, 10:47 PM   #1
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Default 7 Witty vs. 6 dead man [Deadman Advances 7-4]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due SUNDAY 6/17 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due MONDAY 6/18 at 11:59 PST.


You must vote on EVERY OTHER battle available... I am much less lenient on this rule then Keith, so please vote.

While there's no absolute criteria for voting, 1 line votes and criminally underdeveloped ones won't be allowed. I will holler via private message if I think a vote of yours isn't up to snuff and you'll be allowed to develop it, as long as you do it within the deadline. At a minimum, you should aim to include what you liked and what you didn't like (if anything) about each verse as well as an explanation towards why you thought one verse was better than the other.
There is NO RECYCLING.BITING.GHOSTWRITING.

Voting ends THURSDAY 6/21 at 11:59 PST.(Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUSTcheck in.


NOTE:
Swaying, excessive freeposting, voter fraud etc. are grounds for vote deductions at discretion of the moderators.
Editing your verse after the grace period, after your opponent posts, or after the first vote (especially this)- as well as biting- are grounds for disqualification at discretion of the moderators.


TOPIC: "Evil Is Better Then Nothing"

G/L @Witty @dead man
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Old 06-13-2013, 11:16 PM   #2
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requesting to waive the penalty

check
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Old 06-14-2013, 07:34 AM   #3
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I deserve it tbh.

Check and good luck bro.
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Old 06-16-2013, 05:11 PM   #4
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Probably gonna need an ext if it's cool @dead man
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Old 06-17-2013, 05:16 PM   #5
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Nothing is clean, his sin taints even the whitest sheep
Violence seeps through his pores on to the silent streets
A lion creeps with his eyes on the first girl he finds asleep
Mauls her with his knife and let's her lie deceased
And as she dies...he weeps.

He was born into money, a life of fortune and wealth
A lonely child, with nobody else he'd resort to himself
He would pray for a friend, spoke to God and begged that he'd send
Someone to play with, but nobody ever came in the end
So the pain and resent is what the hate seen today represents
God never answered, so HE will find someone to play with...a friend.

He smiles as she dies with a roar, spilling her insides on he floor
Then mutilates her vagina with the knife, and inscribes it with 'Whore'
Now he's crying once more.
He says he didn't mean to kill his friend, he just kinda got bored
And in a split second he gets mad again and splits her spine with a sword
He weeps as he thrusts the steel through her skin
As the full moon overhead glows as pale as her skin
The Satan within has taken the throne, making his home
Now he's nothing but a slave, vacant...alone
Destined to crawl with the snakes where they roam
Degrading the sacred too full of hate and depraved to atone

He plays with the carcass, miserable and depressed
Ripping skin from the breast, safe in the darkness
As he plunders her flesh, stabbing up under her chest
He whispers under his breath that he loves her to death
Tired, be decides on a final treat...hugging her body tight on the silent street
He smiles and weeps....then decides to sleep
Maybe they'll kill him, but no matter how it ends
He is no longer lonely, he's happy...he found a friend.
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Old 06-17-2013, 11:45 PM   #6
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check -




i built this.
guards and turret guns patrolling the fort
oceanside, camp reclusive like a coastal resort
overlord, supreme illusive One - microphoning reports
over speakerbox, controlling this war. Holy rapport
to soldiers, a corps who needed guidance. lonely and poor
after civility faded, government erosion was sure
until it's sandy wash had floated ashore. total reform,
as brutality turns beautiful. each rose has a thorn.
i was born to be a leader. i'm a captain, a king
armored falcon, windstorm generator flapping his wings
democratically bring totalitarianism
create a village of widows so i can marry the victims
terrorist minions. third-eye blinded to empirical systems
colonizing open spaces to prepare for repentance
one God, one mind, no comparison, listen
to how our armed invasion drills are scaring the children
euthanized. they gave away their parent's position,
such a shameful tradition.. but necessary for business
our parish is Christian, decorated, dead, defaming religion
conquered every mormon's mortgage facing eviction
make a decision. or you die today for patriotism
they won't remember your name. or the date you enlisted
so make a decision. make it fast, and make it official
ink it on your neck. frame it, plate it with nickel
turn heavy rain into drizzle. winter storm into clarity
writing war machine agenda like a source of conspiracy
morticians in masks performing torture as therapy
simply protocol's requirements for extortion or heresy
there was nothing here. i built this from a vision inside
using expertise to educate these ignorant tribes
formulas, weaponry, law, science, corporate design
then expanded like an atom into orbiting skies.



evil is a construct, but survival is truth
so power is the guiding force behind our pursuits
survival is a mechanism, power is lust
and evil is a weapon when it's ours to construct.




I
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:06 PM   #7
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Witty - I must say your drop was a hard act to follow. From what I read you showed an excellent example of delivery. The flow of your rhyme really made the content of your story interesting and I found it to be an enjoyable read. It had a lot of meaning to it, my favorite part of your verse was the beginning of the second paragraph when you said:

"He smiles as she dies with a roar, spilling her insides on he floor
Then mutilates her vagina with the knife, and inscribes it with 'Whore'
Now he's crying once more.
He says he didn't mean to kill his friend, he just kinda got bored
And in a split second he gets mad again and splits her spine with a sword
"


That caught me by surprise! Because I was thinkin to myself, "damn he needed a friend so badly to the point where he had to kill somebody just so he wouldn't be alone?" That turned your character from a lost soul to a crazy and deranged, mentally strange human being that was in search of one of the things that society take for granted which is friendship. And unfortunately this is how some people in society become, not to this level right here. At the same time, they can become bad people trying to do what they feel is for a good reason. And I think you did an excellent job of displaying that.

Dead Man - You came very strong with your piece. Similar to Witty, you also displayed a good flow and rhyme scheme. This helped bring your content to life. It also was an enjoyable read if I may say so myself. You did a good job illustrating your story as well,

"i was born to be a leader. i'm a captain, a king
armored falcon, windstorm generator flapping his wings
democratically bring totalitarianism
create a village of widows so i can marry the victims
terrorist minions. third-eye blinded to empirical systems"


You were very lyrical in this piece you wrote. It kind of reminded of a young Nas or Talib Kweli, which is really saying alot. Keep that pen moving because you I truly believe you show alot of promise. However, I had a hard time understanding exactly what your topic was about. So this really made it difficult for me to give you an edge in this battle.

Overal - Witty was on point with his story, it flowed extremely well throughout and it had a beginning and end, unfortunately Dead Man it just didn't quite register for me, it was as if you were just rhyming about multiple topics one minute our country is at war and the next your telling me your the captain or a born leader? Unless you were saying you can lead this country out of what it is today? I'm not sure.

Vote - Witty

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Old 06-20-2013, 03:27 PM   #8
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Witty, after reading the verse I enjoyed where you took the topic. Personifying evil and having it manifest into a cure for loneliness was unique and interesting. The light and dark imagery imagery in the first half meshed well. It may have even been unintentional however going for the darkness of the first stanza, then to the lighter description of the character in the second stanza, then right back into dark description in the first line of the 3rd stanza, I dunno what else to say other then I liked it. One thing that stood out to me as a bit of a miss was the direction in storytelling in some situations. The one most memorable is:
"He says he didn't mean to kill his friend, he just kinda got bored
And in a split second he gets mad again and splits her spine with a sword"
^The character had just murdered someone knife, and then proceeds to bring out a sword for further mutilation? Wasn't very believable for me, and the lack of plausibility kinda took away from the verse a bit. That's my only complaint, aside from that I thought this was bang on.



Black, another verse in the midpoint of literal meaning and abstract interpretation, resting place of the dead man. This piece had a lot to offer, from one liners of portraying wit, imagery, and emotion, to deep metaphors, to profound statements, I feel there are aspects of this verse that any reader would be partial to. I read this twice and am still not positive who the main character is suppose to be. At the beginning of my second reading I almost thought it was the perspective manifested evil on earth, but the tone shifts to light and encouraging later on, so my final guess would be the one above good and evil, the merger of the two, the higher power. Without evil, good would not exist, so without good there would be nothing, therefore evil is better then nothing. That is what I took away from this piece. A few lines I enjoyed:
"create a village of widows so i can marry the victims" - I interpreted this as a metaphor for destroying nations and becoming business partners with the survivors.
"formulas, weaponry, law, science, corporate design
then expanded like an atom into orbiting skies" - this, especially the second line, was beautiful. I commend you on the imagery you crafted for me.
"evil is a construct, but survival is truth
so power is the guiding force behind our pursuits
survival is a mechanism, power is lust
and evil is a weapon when it's ours to construct" - couldn't picture a better way of finishing this off. Profound, nuff said.


Prognosis: I loved Wittys piece, it was straightforward and summarized well in the ending with the way it pertained to the topic. I felt more drawn the dead mans work after reading both, however. First off, I was content with my level of understanding after one read of Wittys. This is neither a good nor bad thing for Witty. However, with deads I needed two reads. I felt as though I had to pull away at the layers of deads verse to reach the central message which was wonderfully stimulating for my brain. Fantastic battle gentlemen.

+1 dead man
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Old 06-20-2013, 08:46 PM   #9
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Quicker then usual vote, sorry.

Witty - Half of this verse had some really dope flow, the other half was a tad corny to me and read as extremely rushed evidenced by the simple errors of miss spelling "He" as "be" along with two other simple errors as this. Also didn't like the chopped sentence into two lines ..."Begged he'd send someone to play with"...This disrupted flow for me. As for the story, from middle on it picked up and was decent. But the begining was just lacking to me. All in all it seemed like you just posted something for the sake of NOT no-showing, but still, compared to last weeks saga this week you took a major step backwards IMO.

Dead - This verse was really nice start to end. But the topic wasn't so much as touched on until the final four lines. The imagery was really good, the visuals from the beach and city of the "king/ruler" was fairly vivid as I read. The flow was pure as hell, never stuttered or wavered. This verse in its entirety was one of the more fluid pieces I've read all season. I could sit down, read this, and with out stopping until its over understand the entire verse and concept. I might not be correct, but you wrote in a way that anyone can take from it. To me, it was simply end of government, and a man born into high position simply brought it from the ashes and created his own army and is simply seizing land and population at will.

Vote - Deadman, although I hated the use of the topic to be honest.
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Old 06-21-2013, 01:37 AM   #10
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Threads closed tomorrow 530pm wets zone

Vote now or lose
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Old 06-21-2013, 06:24 PM   #11
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i think this is botw

witty - morbid and well done. rather original take on the actions of a brutal psycho. although i think you could have expounded more on his backstory, and maybe develop other characters in his life, i was still entertained and impressed enough with the tale as a standalone event. it tied the topic to it wonderfully and the whole scene was paced very well, taking me through the actions so as i wouldnt get bored but i would understand everything that i needed to. the flow was real good although some of your metaphor seemed ratehr forced for the schemes sake (whitest sheep... why sheep? not particularly a symbol of purity as far as i know, although white, it could be ANY white noun) technically, it was real tight

deadman - flow and imagery were top notch as always, enjoyed this a lot. the concept of taking the purity of a jungle tribe ( my own image, i guess) and assimilating them to the real world was strong on its own, but the final four lines also put a different spin on it as well. evil can simply help us survive when it comes down to it, as what we perceive as our enemies are killed by our own hand, our survival rate goes up. i think that got away from the topic a little but mostly i dont even look at the topics when i read verses so i dont care

v- deadman, typical strong black verse, tough vote because wittys was quite good as well
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Old 06-21-2013, 07:29 PM   #12
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Witty - Slick take on the topic... with that said, I still thought this was just decent. The execution was polished, though it wasn't anything out of the ordinary in my eyes. This verse reminded me a of 75% regenerated zombie. It was on its way to killing shit very properly, but the last 25% wasn't assembled and put to full use. It had elements of success but not elements of surprise or awakening. I'd have liked to read more of the morbid details, the small spaces, a glimpse into who the character is beyond a 'default' profile image.

dead man - Solid, solid. At first my interpretation was that you were describing this construct of evil as an urban setting, which can apply to almost any modern civilization if you fit it into the right context. Good references throughout, drawing parallels to the world around us, especially the military industrial complex and war profiteering. This felt like a more universally general verse from you, being you covered a lot of ground under a singular tarp. Overall, a solid display of the topic and rhythmically sound.

Vote - dead man

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Old 06-21-2013, 07:52 PM   #13
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Topic: Evil is better than nothing.

witty - sound verse. enjoyed the subtle style you wrote this is in. with lines trailing..... almost a dry sense of humor throughout this verse. the flow was tight and the direction was sadistic, I thought this was really good generic writing. simple words but you connected them in intricate ways. that under the breath/love her to death segment was killer. evils is better than nothing / a dead friend is better than no friend / I saw the connection. well done.

dead man - smorgasbord of devices/references and a really machine gun like flow to back it all up. the pace was very engaging and the contrast of the agendas gave the verse a very rebellious tone. the machine gun flow and the scattering thoughts created a very jarring verse indeed, worthy of weaponry praise

overall - this was a cool battle, and distinct clash in styles. dead man came from a rant perspective and witty came from a story line background. i personally enjoyed both verses but have to vote for wittyfor a more sound use of the topic assigned, where dead-man I feel was more open for interpretation; I am one who can interpret a hundred different ways and appreciate the straight forward approach.

vote - witty
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Old 06-21-2013, 09:21 PM   #14
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4-2 dead
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Old 06-21-2013, 11:29 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Witty View Post
Nothing is clean, his sin taints even the whitest sheep
Violence seeps through his pores on to the silent streets
A lion creeps with his eyes on the first girl he finds asleep
Mauls her with his knife and let's her lie deceased
And as she dies...he weeps.
Ok. Good scene setting, simple diction, letting yourself get warmed up into the story. I'm guessing that death will be important later as will the lion/sheep relationship..

Quote:
He was born into money, a life of fortune and wealth
A lonely child, with nobody else he'd resort to himself
He would pray for a friend, spoke to God and begged that he'd send
Someone to play with, but nobody ever came in the end
So the pain and resent is what the hate seen today represents
God never answered, so HE will find someone to play with...a friend.
really nicely cut lines. crisp. serial killer vibe.


Quote:
He smiles as she dies with a roar, spilling her insides on he floor
Then mutilates her vagina with the knife, and inscribes it with 'Whore'
Now he's crying once more.
He says he didn't mean to kill his friend, he just kinda got bored
And in a split second he gets mad again and splits her spine with a sword
He weeps as he thrusts the steel through her skin
As the full moon overhead glows as pale as her skin
The Satan within has taken the throne, making his home
Now he's nothing but a slave, vacant...alone
Destined to crawl with the snakes where they roam
Degrading the sacred too full of hate and depraved to atone
weird wording in last line but otherwise again, nicely polished... nothing striking me as descriptively outstanding or anything yet.

Quote:
He plays with the carcass, miserable and depressed
Ripping skin from the breast, safe in the darkness
As he plunders her flesh, stabbing up under her chest
He whispers under his breath that he loves her to death
Tired, be decides on a final treat...hugging her body tight on the silent street
He smiles and weeps....then decides to sleep
Maybe they'll kill him, but no matter how it ends
He is no longer lonely, he's happy...he found a friend.
ok. cool evaluation of values and the isolation of wants and needs on a personal level vs. a societal level. I also liked the connection between his loneliness and ecstasy vs happiness... it was violent, impure- but you can't argue that he didn't get what he needed, deserved... somehow this stayed on the edge of being horrorcore and remained a smart/ insightful psychoanalysis or cultural study. maybe i haven't read a topical in a while, any ways, as i said- not lyrically superb but illuminated all the right areas of your plot

Quote:
Originally Posted by dead man View Post
check -




i built this.
guards and turret guns patrolling the fort
oceanside, camp reclusive like a coastal resort
overlord, supreme illusive One - microphoning reports
over speakerbox, controlling this war. Holy rapport
to soldiers, a corps who needed guidance. lonely and poor
after civility faded, government erosion was sure
until it's sandy wash had floated ashore. total reform,
as brutality turns beautiful. each rose has a thorn.
didn't like the schemes there^.

Quote:
i was born to be a leader. i'm a captain, a king
armored falcon, windstorm generator flapping his wings
democratically bring totalitarianism
create a village of widows so i can marry the victims
terrorist minions. third-eye blinded to empirical systems
colonizing open spaces to prepare for repentance
one God, one mind, no comparison, listen
to how our armed invasion drills are scaring the children
euthanized. they gave away their parent's position,
such a shameful tradition.. but necessary for business
our parish is Christian, decorated, dead, defaming religion
conquered every mormon's mortgage facing eviction
make a decision. or you die today for patriotism
they won't remember your name. or the date you enlisted
so make a decision. make it fast, and make it official
ink it on your neck. frame it, plate it with nickel
turn heavy rain into drizzle. winter storm into clarity
writing war machine agenda like a source of conspiracy
morticians in masks performing torture as therapy
simply protocol's requirements for extortion or heresy
there was nothing here. i built this from a vision inside
using expertise to educate these ignorant tribes
formulas, weaponry, law, science, corporate design
then expanded like an atom into orbiting skies.



evil is a construct, but survival is truth
so power is the guiding force behind our pursuits
survival is a mechanism, power is lust
and evil is a weapon when it's ours to construct.




I


yeah only got halfway through this but i will finish this vote and on the other battles as well
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Old 06-22-2013, 11:16 AM   #16
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sick sick battle. ive read both verses twice and had a damn hard time picking a winner. I mean this was epic and its a damn shame its not getting the attention it deserves. if only the champ match is this good. but I doubt it will be.

witty- I loved the take on the topic. had the really graphic imagery. I saw everything you put down. painted the picture real well. the flow was vicious. the story telling was supreme. awesome verse all around. you fucktard.

dead- well this was equally insane. flow was fluid and structure was complex. would sound dope on a beat. word choice top notch. sick verse my dude.

overall- im not sure ive ever read two verses that I thought were so evenly matched against each other. I loved them both. id say tie, but that's gay. im gonna go with witty here because all things even I enjoyed his story just a little more then deads narrative.

vote- witty

thanks for the reads guys
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Old 06-22-2013, 04:36 PM   #17
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witty - i'm not sure how i feel about it overall, even after distancing myself from the topic. i think.. you set an eerie tone well but could have developed the story more. the character was fairly clear. some explanation besides being a lonely child, and a more clear explanation for the killers "reasoning" could've helped. these lines are fucked up..
As he plunders her flesh, stabbing up under her chest
He whispers under his breath that he loves her to death
Tired, be decides on a final treat...hugging her body tight on the silent street
He smiles and weeps....then decides to sleep

straight creepy. but still, good shit. all in all, you relied a little bit too much on shock value and needed more plot development early on or a strong twist at the end, something unexpected.. still, strong piece.

dead man - i like the punchy mechanics here. gave the piece a blunt edge that fit the overall message well. took a macro approach in comparison to your opponent, and went a few different ways with it. exploring a wide range of evils from different places was effective and satisifed the topic relatively well.
i was born to be a leader. i'm a captain, a king
armored falcon, windstorm generator flapping his wings
democratically bring totalitarianism
create a village of widows so i can marry the victims
liked that section particularly.. the third line my favorite, oddly enough. said a lot with three words. i'm not sure if the narrator was government embodied but that's what i settled on. there's a lot of meat here, and you gave me something to chew on. i can't really give any advice, just commend you for the word play here. you did a lot with little enough to leave it open to different interpretations. well done.

/v dead man. word play made my decision. he didn't settle on one theme or instance in particular - his word choices allowed him to be that vague.. and for the reader to take from the piece what they would like to. can't say i liked it much more than wittys, this was a close call that forced me to get nitpicky. good battle. if witty had gone any further with his story's development I would be voting for him.
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Old 06-23-2013, 01:16 PM   #18
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Both were dope to be honest.

Witty's was slick in every way possible. His wording was dope, his rhyme schemes an flow didn't have a hitch and the story line was doppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I was on the edge of my seat just wondering what wa next and taking guesses myself.



Deadman was very good too. I didn't think his wording was as slick as the witness' was. His flow was good and as we're his rhyme schemes and what not.

I know this isn't much of a vote... But like I said I'm not good at voting in these battles.. Either way.

Both came dope in my opinion, but for me. I enjoyed shitty wittys better

V/ witty
 
Old 06-23-2013, 01:46 PM   #19
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Witty mundo-

Your opener had a rigid, bland flow...something I had to get used to. I noticed you have an inner, then an end rhyme...all the way through the piece. So it read like to me little repetitive in a jarring way. This piece felt lazy overall and yeah it was clear, it was just whatever.

I felt no voice or emotion really behind this, just a mechanical, formulaic press to the end...

"DE DEE DA DEET...DE DEE DA DEET" that's your cadence to me lol

Imagery was impressive with some knee jerks man. I liked that and how you referred to the prey as the friend..and how you spun that concept, creating a identifiable character. The lonesomeness quickly developed into a disease though the character still had his world view normal, despite his actions saying otherwise...a truly messed up person. This had room for more depth of range and expression...

dead-

imma probably tell you something nobody has...perhaps relax a little on trying to force and squeeze so many multi/slants of the same root word in...it makes your written so torqued up and almost unnatural...losing some readability, and at the expense of opening up to let your piece breath. Allow some back ground, some set ups, some room for setting up the reader with a well, good read.

The nature of this written is just rhetoric and lacks many other devices that polishes off a verse. Your rhyme game is on point, it sometimes restricts the effect of your piece by coiling it up around other elements you should work on.

if you don't you won't grow. The problem with this piece for me is that you relentlessly select slants/multis on the root words that come before, and there are only limited options, so the ones you can use can be vague at best or general to the topic you are trying to convey...the more this happens the more cryptic and unspecific this becomes and clarity is lost. it compounds.

While this read really hot and very skilled at the rhyme scheme, you should allow your voice ant what you have to say come in, keeping the same relentlessness, but including more significant meaning that is directly to what you reallly want to say, not what the words avialible for your flow dictate.


Therein is the art of writing.


Fludity of thoughts and transitions...hard to say in word.


//

So we got witty who writes very clear, but his flow was hiccuppy and jaded...but used great narration and some haunting imagery. Dead was almost the oppsiite in a lot of ways for me.


I got to hand this to dead.


1+dead
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Old 06-23-2013, 09:28 PM   #20
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Leaning towards deadman's interpretation of the topic more, felt it was greater and the style of writing meshed well with all the philosophical discussion. Witty's plot was good and the characterization of the main character was well done giving the depraved/evil vibe in the topic, but also doing well to evoke a sense of pity/justification with the final lines. Enjoyed deadman's logical approach to the topic the whole "evil is better than nothing" was really dissected. Voting for deadman.
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