First S&G-flow verse ever, feedback is highly appreciated.

[Objective]

Never done this swag&flow shit but I signed up for the tourney anyways and got no-showed. Would like some critique on this:

I hack security coms, back pedalin proms and rap battlin' moms,
Fuckin' sisters after it's done on some; ''That's what's happenin' son!''
Aint no lackin' in fun; I make city rats pity gats go backpackin' and run,
Inspire christian cunts to fire vision joints on the tracks like Pac's back rappin' with Pun.
But on the real and no shittin'; I'm the writer that put Dali to writtens,
Fuck the greats; I'm a dawg to these kittens.
No debate; I'm the boss of Bill Clintons,
Set it straight; above God, skill and demons.
Aint hailing from Sweden.. I'm alpha omegas perspective.
Halla balla, I'm norwegian; The viking striking lightning back at its face,
rackin' the grace of Thor, warlords, Valhalla, space, earths core and the fjords in one word..
No ego, I'm simply ~Objective~

[Fig]

There was a great use of multis here man. Internal rhyme scheme was dope as fuck. Some of the lines were pretty Ok though in terms of concepts, The last 4 or so were pretty sick:

Set it straight; above God, skill and demons.
Aint hailing from Sweden.. I'm alpha omegas perspective.
Halla balla, I'm norwegian; The viking striking lightning back at its face,
rackin' the grace of Thor, warlords, Valhalla, space, earths core and the fjords in one word..

The wording here was pretty nice. But like I said, the concepts outside of these were either pretty nice like that pac line and dali line, or just ok. Still though, your flow on here was on point. I like how it got choppy there in the middle part, that transition was seamless. Good verse

[Dove Dozer]

This was retarded. Loved the whole thing. You did this proper. I might join this swag flow shit

[Nigma]

Aint no lackin' in fun; I make city rats pity gats go backpackin' and run,
Inspire christian cunts to fire vision joints on the tracks like Pac's back rappin' with Pun.

Bonkers. You got this down pat, excited to see you next round

[Zen]

After just reading your AOWL verse this week and really enjoying it I decided to peep this and see if this was good, and it was. I still felt that the syllable count could have been cleaned up in a few spots, or simply just remove one word from a line and it'd work better for me.
Fuckin' sisters after it's done on some; ''That's what's happenin' son!''
Aint no lackin' in fun; I make city rats pity gats go backpackin' and run,
^^My favorite two lines in this piece. They made me lol and I have no idea why.
Great work here man. Keep droppin in the OM.

[dead man]

felt pretty elementary to me bro.. like i can understand its your first time trying to write like this but you came off pretty corny.

also MOMS and SON dont rhyme..

Inspire christian cunts to fire vision joints on the tracks like Pac's back rappin' with Pun.

i didnt get that at all..

But on the real and no shittin'; I'm the writer that put Dali to writtens,
Fuck the greats; I'm a dawg to these kittens.

this was my fav line out of this probably and it was pretty meh if im being honest.

i see you trying to develop a "Swag" through this personal sort of character development. shying away from your comfort zone and writing with confidence and power. there was distinct personality to this but i didn't really resonate.

your specs were there. rhyming ability is clear in all your work but i don't really feel it in a way that has any impact.

the viking striking lightning back in his face was kinda dope though. you have highlights, but as an entire piece i did not receive this verse nearly a well as your compadres above. it honestly was corny, even for a swag and flow verse which is pretty corny in itself.

ill keep reading man. thanks for this one.



1

[Objective]

Word, thanks for the feedback all. Going to try to improve the flow even more on my next drop along with the other things you mentioned.

@dead man: Thanks a lot for being honest, I appreciate it. ''Son'' and ''mom'' doesn't rhyme, you're right, but take a look at the rhymescheme; ''happenin' son'' and ''lackin' in fun'' does. Wether you like this set-up or not is entirely up to you.

I can also understand your confusion with the pac-line. I'll dumb it down as much as I can as I pondered wether people would get it or not; Christian people stay away from drugs, but I'm still good enough to inspire christian girls enough with my stuff to make them smoke with me. ''On the tracks'' refers to smoking by the railroad tracks, not literally on them, or if you want; On the tracks/audios I make, both works but when I wrote it I had railroad tracks in mind. I've smoked by the tracks a few times before we got old enough to smoke at our own homes, hah. Vision joints - it is what it says; both songs with a vision that Pac had a couple of, and actual joints that make you ''see'' things or debate life when you smoke. Pac and Biggie were friends way back and they have made tracks together. Basically what I'm saying is that I'm so good the atmosphere around me is nostalgic and awesome for all the right reasons with hip-hop in mind and it's so strong that even christians would smoke with me.

Beside of that line and the ''son'' thing I personally agree with you. It needs to be better. My S&F-verses will probably continue to be ''corny'', but at least I'm ''corny'' while (hopefully) writing in a way that others don't. I think the challenge for me, after reading your feed, will be to balance it without dropping fillers/played concepts like the ''No debate; I'm a dawg to these kittens''-line.

I take all feedback seriously, but I also realize that people are different and there will never be a piece that everyone will enjoy or find dope. Perhaps this particular piece was just exactly that; Something you just didn't feel. (Read the feedback/votes on my battle vs. Innovator in the AOWL. It is the most diverse feedback I've ever been given by honest feeders ever. Each voter picked out something they enjoyed and disliked, but it was different parts and often crossed eachother. In my opinion this is perhaps my most complete verse this far since people enjoyed different things for different reasons and in the end 95% of my verse was praised by different people and what they got in common is that they thought it was a solid drop overall.) And this is another challenge as a writer that reads peoples feedback and takes it to heart; ''What can I take from this? Is this drop actually dope or are people holding back on certain things? What can I improve if it boils down to personal opinion on the concept and not the line being wack?'' So far, what I've got out of the feed given on this piece is that in my verse I have a few fillers, ''ok''-lines is not okay for me if everyone agrees on it, it needs to be better. I need to improve my flow even more and really revise the syllables. Either way, what you said made sense and I will take it into consideration. I also appreciate you taking time to break it down, be 100% honest and give solid feedback.

The only thing I question (beside of the ''son''-line) about your feed is that you're saying the rhyming doesn't make any impact but everything else you've read from me this far is. I question this because; Beside of the lines being ''corny'' to you this is perhaps my most complex rhyme structure to date as multi-syllable rhyming, internals and even far-out there internals etc. goes (what I consider far-out rhyming/internals: perspective - Objective & halla balla - Valhalla). I can do perfect syllable-wise verses, but when I do it the verse itself isn't great. I need to work around it and make it mine in my own way with a flow that works (which I believe is the reason to why some people appreciate it, because it's ''different'', but fact of the matter it's me being lazy and ended up developing a style that I'm going to keep on improving for the most part. But I still need to master all kinds of formats so expect equal multiple syllable rhyme structures in the future.)

Again; Thanks a lot and if you got anything more to add I'm open ears. Much appreciated and I will return the feed (probably tomorrow). Going to feed some open mics when I get some time for myself again.