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Old 02-22-2018, 10:17 PM   #1
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Default WEEK VIII: Adonis vs Innovator[ADONIS WINS]



Season 8

Verses are due THURSDAY at 11:59PM EST

Voting ends SUNDAY at 9:00PM EST

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

@Adonis vs Innovator

Goodluck!

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Old 02-22-2018, 11:19 PM   #2
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Check.

Let me know what topic you want to use and I'll try and do the same
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Old 02-23-2018, 12:29 AM   #3
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I’ll chose one tomorrow
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Old 02-27-2018, 11:47 PM   #4
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TOPIC: there's little else to hope for, aside from this moment



I’m alive and killing time, lost within these lines
Down shifting through the margins I jotted by design
I’m caught between what rhymes and what I’m trying to say
Attempting to type a gift but the wrapping wants to fray
I tip my cap toward the few who mastered their craft
spreading wings to fly the coup meanwhile I’m captured and trapped
A viscous circle circulating verbiage as currency
I deserve love certainly, but it’s deserted me purposefully
“Try harder” they say, “you’ll win them over soon enough”
“You’re not good you dud, the love you seek will leave you fucked”
Stuck between a rock and a fist with dreams of being big
Fighting demons in my head, another swing and a miss
The kicker is... realizing not caring can work
Allowing hands to strike keys without thinking a word
Blowing steam while snuffing dreams of being beaten’s absurd
I’ll take that L and burn that bitch to a roach, thoughts are potent…
observe



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Old 03-02-2018, 11:39 PM   #5
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Same topic

Some times we get lost in the moments we don’t posses
Seeking shelter in the past while fearing the futures presence.
Fumbling memories stumbling on the stress, stopping progress
An honest human option, one not easy to confess.
So we take action to preserve the thoughts that haunt us long ago
Who we are seeps into to seems of imagery that feeds the ego.
Landscape of years gone, age & time becoming one until it stops.
Harvesting hope in each moment of our lives always feeding the crops.
And it all comes rushing in every scene every note every scheme
All the hopes stash away in every moment, every wish all the dreams.

If hope is but a moment, life is to short.
But moments have an infinite score
Playing notes through out the years
Until the symphony gets its last cheer.
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Old 03-03-2018, 03:43 AM   #6
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After reading this battle I thought it was mediocre. Don't get me wrong, it was cool in a poetic kind of way but both of you can do shitload better. That said tho there were some good lines here and there.

Adonis: Starting it off good, flows off the tongue well and getting the right atmosphere with the first few lines. Definitely loved the ''verbiage as currency''-line, that shit was clever. As a whole and after re-reading your verse I take back what I said about mediocre, this was heartfelt as all hell. Poetic even. So much truth to the words in a lonely looking for true love kind of way and not just some fuckbuddy/flirt etc. I'm liking your piece a lot after reading it a second time.

Innovator: I feel you started off slow and then picked it up well towards the mid and last 4 lines. The line that caught my attention in your piece was feeding the crops thing, the concept isn't new to me but I loved the harvesting hope flip on it to give it that much more depth. The following two lines after that were dope as well. I ended your piece wanting more tho.

Vote - I'm giving this one to Adonis for a more polished and deeper heartfelt piece that I felt had that certain edge and feel to it that surpassed Innovator this time around. I feel that if Innovator had spent some more time polishing his verse and/or made it longer it would have been a much closer battle and harder to vote on, maybe even taken the w.

That said tho, after giving each of the verses a second read they grew on me for sure. Keep writing, enjoy reading your guys work.
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Old 03-03-2018, 01:44 PM   #7
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I think u guys went light this week for some reason. we tryin to revive this n ur both dope writers I kno this culda been better. the topic was dicey but easy to relate to given were all writers. so it comes down to who u think captured the topic better and I think adonis might off did better lettin a lil bit of emotion start seepin in. flowed a little better as well. both had a decent attempt but I kno yall are holdin back.

vote - adonis
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Old 03-04-2018, 09:39 AM   #8
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I've really been looking forward to this match-up. Let's see what you 2 gawds of text chose to bless us with today.

Adonis
Quote:
I’m alive and killing time, lost within these lines
Down shifting through the margins I jotted by design
I’m caught between what rhymes and what I’m trying to say
Attempting to type a gift but the wrapping wants to fray
The flow is smooth. Seamless even. Not super complex, but also not unnoticeable either. There is a subtly to it that is not overbearing. That allows the reader to enjoy it, while still focusing on the content at hand. Fluidity. That's the word. There is a fluent fluidity to it.

OAN

I love the content. It's about the art of writing. Topicals in particular. About wanting to say something grand, important or maybe just impressive. But, you just can't find the words to do it. Moreover, when you finally do, your words begin to be dictated by the rhyme scheme. I know the feeling. It's truly a balancing act

Like how do you incorporate a concept, emotional connections, imagery, literary devices, storyline, etc; while still maintaining a flow that moves your story along, impresses the readers, but doesn't distract them, and do all of that within the context of a battle strategy and plot limiting line rerestriction? Sometimes it's easy to do it. Things just click for you. Other times … uh … not so much. loved the intro.

Quote:
I tip my cap toward the few who mastered their craft
Thanks for the shout out. Lol.

Quote:
spreading wings to fly the coup meanwhile I’m captured and trapped
Only by what you percieved to be the expectations of others. Funny thing is, most people that would critic you could never do what you do best. Then again, the same is probably true in reverse. That's why we gotta just let the words speak for themselves and not come into a thread/verse with expectations of what it "should" read like. It's the diversity (not the homogeneity) in styles that make sites like this worth a visit.

Quote:
A viscous circle circulating verbiage as currency
Nice transitional wordplay and double metaphor. You go from flight to circle (presumably like a hawk in the air looking down from above) to "circulating" just like the flow of currency. Clever.

Quote:
I deserve love certainly, but it’s deserted me purposefully
“Try harder” they say, “you’ll win them over soon enough”
“You’re not good you dud, the love you seek will leave you fucked”
The flow is nice. But the syntax is lacking. Doesn't sound natural or believable. No one here or anywhere would say those exact words to you. But, I get the general premise you're shooting for.

Quote:
Stuck between a rock and a fist with dreams of being big
"a rock and a fist" hmmm … I suppose that a colloquialized way of saying things. I like it.

Quote:
Fighting demons in my head, another swing and a miss
The kicker is... realizing not caring can work
Allowing hands to strike keys without thinking a word
Man, you're talking from a place of knowledge and experience now. The funny thing is, that after struggling to find a concept to write for this week, the idea you have here is exactly what I was going to do. Ironically however, and this is true, I just couldn't find the words to do it. Lol.

Quote:
Blowing steam while snuffing dreams of being beaten’s absurd
I’ll take that L and burn that bitch to a roach, thoughts are potent…
observe
Nice entendre. The ending bravado closed this piece out fittingly. It gave us insight into the fear of losing in battle. No one wants to. But also gave us a resolution in the sense that after a while, and as a writer, you start coming to your senses until you're eventually like, "man, fuck these niggas/nerds. I'm just gonna post the shit I want or already have and it's whatever.", I thought that sentiment was dope. lol. Also, the ending adds a different element to the verse. It's more flex than poetry. But, considering you've already shown us your poetry, the flex now shows us your diversity in penmanship. Overall, this was a super solid read that resonated beyond text.

Innovator
Quote:
Some times we get lost in the moments we don’t posses
Seeking shelter in the past while fearing the futures presence.
I don't think you said anything perticularly new or groundbreaking here, but the way that you worded those lines did make me stop and mediate on the thought of what you're getting at. Which is basically you can't live in the past forever, nor can you live in present fear of the road that lies ahead. Which is a proverbial and insightful perpective . Also, "the future's presence" was a nice play on words and a lyrical way of putting things.

Quote:
Fumbling memories stumbling on the stress, stopping progress
An honest human option, one not easy to confess.fat wife
"Stopping progress" is dope in the sense that being hung up on the past often times prevents one from being productive in the now. With that said, the accompanying words around that statement read muddled in their expression. For instance, although, "an honest human option" reads nicely in terms of flow, its actually meaning is somewhat incoherent in the sense that no real "option" was ever presented to chose from, thus there was never anything to "confess".

Quote:
So we take action to preserve the thoughts that haunt us long ago
Who we are seeps into to seems of imagery that feeds the ego.
That was dope just off the strength of poetry, flow and word placement. Somehow, I think the ego is suppose to represent the mind/memory here. Which all humans are but a sum of our experiences and understanding of those events that shape our thoughts which ultimately define our characters/who we are. So yeah, this is dope. However, the word "haunt" would indicate the thought of things undesirable, which in turn begs the question of why anyone would ever want to perserve such things? Of course people remember the bad more so than they do the good; so by no means is it an outlandish observation. But a closer examination as to why that is would make for a really interesting read.

Quote:
Landscape of years gone, age & time becoming one until it stops.
How so?

Quote:
Harvesting hope in each moment of our lives always feeding the crops.
And it all comes rushing in every scene every note every schemefat wife
All the hopes stash away in every moment, every wish all the dreams.fat wife

If hope is but a moment, life is to short.fat wife
But moments have an infinite score
Playing notes through out the years
Until the symphony gets its last cheer.
Why would hope be just a moment? We're literally in the act of hoping for things our entire lives. Hoping for wealth, hoping for health, hoping this chick has some good ass pussy, hoping this fool doesn't eat all my shit before I get home, hoping Golden State wins the chip again this year, hoping I can cop a new drop for the summer, whatever. Point is hope is all we ever have. Well, that and of course memories as you so poignantly illustrated here. Overall, I enjoyed the read.

Vote -- Adonis

Reason: I though Inno better executed the topic. However, the topic is so vague you can literally take it in any direction that you like. Which is what Adonis did, whom I felt had the better verse. But just by a hair. I think they both shined in being thoughtful and introspective. I could vibe and resonate with both of their verses. Mechanically, they both did their thing. Adonis gets the nod however, because he had less "holes" so to speak. Inno was similar to a lyrical Socrates, but I couldn't help but to point out some of the logical conundrums in his existential philosophies. Of course it's all subjective prospective, and my qualms may not prove to be any more true than his personal postulations. But still. Eh. Idk. In any case, I sincerely enjoyed both reads. Fun and thought provoking verses on both ends. Props.

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Old 03-04-2018, 03:10 PM   #9
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Not sure for me not the best battle here... I think it could've gone either way, but I enjoyed Innovator a bit more and I think he deserves my vote at least... Not sure what else to write you both went in very short Adonis was a bit more complex with his shit but I think that's what killed him here... It was so complex it was too difficult for me to follow sorry... On the other hand Innovator kind of stuck to the simplesque version of the topic and for that I think his writing was easier to understand and to really be sure of what he was trying to get across so yeah...

Vote: Innovator
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