05-22-2020, 06:52 PM | #1 |
low tide in serotonin bay
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WEEK 9 CONTENDERS: Johnny 6 Feet vs Adverse AD WINS
GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE @Adverse @Johnny 6 feet Max line: 50 Min: 10 Check in: 48 hours after thread post DUE DATE: MAY 27TH @ 11:59PM EST GOOD LUCK Last edited by Inno; 06-02-2020 at 07:09 PM. |
05-23-2020, 05:44 AM | #2 |
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Checking in. Let's make this BOTW, Adverse.
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05-23-2020, 10:33 AM | #3 |
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Yes sir. Check and good luck!
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05-27-2020, 08:38 AM | #4 |
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Withdrawal
9am (1st hour) The alarm beeps a 'fuck you' and I wake up groaning, pitiful Lead weights slide inside my head, another morning ritual The room's a bomb site, scattered clothes, trash, a bucket for vomit At the side table a half-empty glass, but fuck it, I want it I sit up like an old man, arthritic pain lances my joints Wrap my hand around the smudges, my only plan at this point Taste the flat Pepsi, the vodka barely registers now And feel my agony lessen, now I'm half human again If I still spoke to my parents, I know I'd be letting them down Glance at a stack of paper; the writer who can barely move a pen The acid bath in my gut ripples to a tidal wave surging I stagger weakly to the bathroom for the morning's purging 10am (2nd hour) Like it's my long lost friend, I kneel, hugging the porcelain Tearful at our reunion, he understands and draws me in I heave ho! Another splash stains the multicolour ocean A Jackson Pollock, a boiling sea for poor sinner's to roast in I stand up like climbing ladders, splintered rungs in place And stare in the mirror at the ruins of my younger face Who's this guy? Greying stubble patterns like dark constellations Broken veins like spiderwebs, traps in stark concentration The hair; every point of the compass, water streaks and blotchy skin I've finally had enough: "Today's the day... I'm finally going to win." 2pm (6th hour) The bottles clink empty, a funeral chord to signal the procession Sat on cigarette burns, waiting for the Demon's possession His name is Delirium, and he's packing his bags to visit My vessel is his new homestead, his operating room Once his instruments are assembled he'll go a mile a minute Playing his greatest hits; self-loathing, hatred and doom I wish the clock hands would blur by, spare me from this dreadful fate But at 2pm exactly... my hands start to shake 5pm (9th hour) The bright light's glare hits, a magnifying glass on an anthill Eyes are hot coals to stare with, and now I can't stand still It takes ten fingers to lift the remote and seek a distraction A blast of music, just a ceaseless blare; it sounds like Hell's bells 8pm (12th hour) "Listen you fuck." I murmur to myself. "I'm a filing a retraction. Go to the store, get the medicine to make you feel well!" Midnight (16th hour) Sleep's a joke, I'm thirsty as Vampires, my body's in full rebellion Muscle twitches like electric shocks, torture from this Hell I'm in "Just do it." I whisper through sobs. "A Grand Mal, God, send it. Microwave my brain, shut it down, please! Just end it!" 4am (20th hour) Sweating a puddle of bullets, wishing for a clip to equip them It's quiet now, withdrawal's peaking, and it sends me a vision A side-effect, hallucination, a woman drawn in silver lines My lids rest at half-mast as her voice fills my mind "You're almost there, just hang on, you'll make the curfew." "You're not real." "It doesn't matter Jack, but my words do." 11am (27th hour) The storm's broken, I wake up, is this hope? I'm nervous A deep sea diver whose head finally broke the surface Calm seas, the air is clear, the clock has taken flight I can breathe! The terror's vanished, and I escaped the night The shakes are less now, I'm myself again, and the pain will subside Real or imagined... ...time flies when there's an angel on our side Last edited by Johnny 6 feet; 05-27-2020 at 08:42 AM. Reason: spelling |
05-28-2020, 03:45 AM | #5 |
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Ungh…
She pulled her defeated head from the dirt, surrounded by blue An explosion of hydrangeas and larkspur, standing tall in full bloom Picking gravel from her black hair, all she can remember is her fall was painful She manages to sit, as the waves in her dresses’ hem splash across her ankles Examining her surroundings, unfamiliarity in the pit of her stomach Shadowy forest contrasted by a path lit by colorful toadstools, luminescent fungus.. Last thing she remembers was laying in a hospital bed, she soberly reminisces Dozing off to visions of chasing a crow in the distance… Could almost graze it with her fingertips, she drew closer, within inches Then she remembers falling for what felt like an eternity..but was over in an instance Scraping debris off her skinned knees she heard the crow's voice echo in the blackness Hastily, she ran down the predestined road until she reached a rocky, narrow passage She made ease of it slithering her slender body through the rocky crevices Her skin a canvas for the maroons of wounds and bruised violets as she finally exited Climbing to the surface a sweet breath of wind caressed her smilin face She shut her eyes and heard its lie “go ahead and rest child, you’re safe” But as she pried open her blue iris, she saw a sight that looked like she dreamt wide awake A vast land lie before her, rivers, meadows, deserts, lion, tigers, reptiles and snakes! With nothing to navigate but her heart, she placed a firm hand on her breast She analyzed the world around here quickly, adjusting herself to stand to the west Looking across a barren wasteland to a sea of clouds, across the scenic mountains She could see it now, the crow bobbing up and down off balance from the clock inside its talons She heard the monotonous “tick tock” her heart followed the rhythm, scheduled to beat Cracking a determined smirk, she hit stride down the cliff sides at incredible speeds Kicking back the sediment with her feet, she quickly traverses the terrain Got one hawk’s eye on the crow through the trees, searchin for her prey Muscles burning through her legs, but she’s defiant her nerves won’t ever shake Hurdling over groups of serpents on parade puts her true courage on display She chases the Crow around a seemingly unending bend to see it fly through a passage A dark purple portal that is seemingly a rip through times fabric Before she knows it she lands on the other side, it’s peaceful, it’s quite, it baffles her She’s amazed upon looking skyward, the entire thing is painted shades of magenta and lavenders Two different varieties going in conflicting directions, adjacent in the sky Storks and crows all carrying clocks, some bringing while the others taking time She squints her eyes staring into the blinding, dying evening horizon Characterized by his blue tinted feathers, she’s out to spot her crow then she finds him Mid-murder, moving mechanically down the drifting conveyor belt… She finds a cliff side to scale, one last chance to try and save herself She reaches the peak, winded, but determined in her mind… Hurtin from the climb, but she scurries down the line… Jumping from the cliff face she makes one last desperate swipe like a surgeon on a dime….. ……...and she wakes up in the hospital bed, the doctor exclaiming “well Missy I guess you’ve bought a little time!” |
05-29-2020, 02:03 PM | #6 |
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I’ll vote on this if needed @Adverse ?
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05-30-2020, 10:36 AM | #7 |
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damn, I really enjoyed both reads, this is going to be a difficult decision.
Let's start with Johnny... The alarm beeps a 'fuck you' and I wake up groaning, pitiful Lead weights slide inside my head, another morning ritual The room's a bomb site, scattered clothes, trash, a bucket for vomit At the side table a half-empty glass, but fuck it, I want it that was a solid opening, in the first four lines I was able to see where you were gonna take the topic (not necessarily how it would all unfold, but the general direction) and you did it in a way that made me as a reader comfortable. I thought the use of a/b/a/b rhyme scheme at certain parts was well executed, you don't see guys do that as much anymore, but I enjoyed it. It caught me off guard for a moment because I'm not used to seeing it, but once I noticed that's where you were going I dug it. I also thought that the way you broke the piece down into time-stamped segments, to help aid the reader in understanding the changes throughout the struggle. It was a nice touch and well executed. the porcelain/draws me in is an off-rhyme to North American readers, but I know you're from the UK so I know it's a pronunciation difference and it rhymes just fine when you say it. That's one of the things that can be tough about reading text. Inflections and accents can really change the way a piece reads, and if someone doesn't understand the way the writer speaks, it can hinder their judgement of the piece. The bits of inner dialogue sprinkled in the piece were also well done, helping us understand the mind-state of the character, while the rest of the verse painted the scene for us. The closer was dope, tied into the piece really well and I've always been a fan of ending pieces this way (the final line really representing the image). I also thought it was cool how throughout the piece time feels like it's dragging on, but once he's gotten through it, on reflection it didn't seem like an eternity at all. Overall, thoroughly enjoyed. Adverse... Fuck, you had to make this decision especially difficult by dropping a dope piece too? Thanks a lot. Your style is with longer lines, which can be difficult to pull off effectively and still keep a good sense of rhythm (i'm old-school and still try to read a verse to an instrumental if i can, longer line pieces can be difficult to do that with). However, your use of inner/internal rhymes really helps keep the flow and pace of the piece on point. A couple of examples... She made ease of it slithering her slender body through the rocky crevices Her skin a canvas for the maroons of wounds and bruised violets as she finally exited She shut her eyes and heard its lie “go ahead and rest child, you’re safe” But as she pried open her blue iris, she saw a sight that looked like she dreamt wide awake although the inner rhyme is a single syllable, the fact that it connects with the multi on the end makes for a smooth read. I thought you did a great job taking the feel of the picture, and not only incorporating the imagery in your work, but actually building on it's imaginative feel with this landscape you developed. Had a real fantasy-feel to it, which I not only dug, but surprisingly as I'm not big into fantasy. Your word choice was also really good at painting the picture, you used descriptive words that conjured up the environment in the mind of the reader. I also liked how you twisted it at the end, with her waking up and the doctor's tagline... like I said with Johnny's, I like verses that end with a line directly relating to the image. Alright, this is easily BOTW (not that there were many battles, but I think it might've been regardless). I can see it going either way tbh, depending on the reader's preference. I gotta give the slightest edge to Adverse because I thought his rhyming patterns were a little more complex, and his twist at the end got me (i didn't see it going there). However, he gets my vote in 51/49 decision, so I can see this one coming down to the wire. Awesome drops by both, and thanks guys for showing when things are coming apart at the seams. v/ Adverse (by a hair) |
05-31-2020, 06:43 PM | #8 |
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i'll be honest with you guys, i fucking hated that picture lulz mainly because looking at it, i would never come up with a topic for it - well maybe not never but it would take a lot of effort ha ha. well anyway.
grave digger johnny. you know i always feel that addiction is a habit. i remember reading somewhere about smoking addiction. the article argued that its less nicotine and more so that motion; the smokes between the finger, the exhale and inhale. This verse tells of a guy who kicked the habit cold turkey, but not before experiencing withdrawals. the hour format was really cool. I can definitely see a movie from this my man. The rhyme scheme was great. and i especially like how you were able to rhyme every other line in one section. that was pretty cool. I think what i admire most about this verse were the poetic brush strokes. Very brave to do that against Adverse cause that's like his strength but i definitely thought you held your own. "arthritic pain lances my joints" hey that was a cool and unique expression - well to me anyway lulz. "I heave ho! Another splash stains the multicolour ocean A Jackson Pollock, a boiling sea for poor sinner's to roast in" that couplet was awesome but do you really roast in water? if so i've never heard of it except for maybe pot roast? lul. "A side-effect, hallucination, a woman drawn in silver lines" that was awesome! The verse ended on an upbeat manner which is cool. My only gripe is that sometimes the syllables seems uneven resulting in jarring moments. That aside, this was an awesome read my man. really enjoyed it. adverse, this was awesome yo. If im reading it correctly, its about a girl who is fighting on for dear life - literally - and the whole verse captures that threshold between life and death. It was described palpably and with your signature poetic touch. I did think the lines were a little long, which i feel could have been remedied with some internal rhyming for a smoother flow but honestly that was minute in compared to the other aspect of writing. mainly the concept. The crow is, i believe, akin to Charron who leads the dead to the afterlife. The verse was a fine moment of world building. Everything was presented vividly, even down to colors lulz. I thought your utilization of the picture was very good! this is really a tough battle. I've mulled over it for the past two days. Everything was almost dead even. And i enjoyed both for different reason. Both tackled the topic in a fantastic way. one more so than the other. I though Johnny had the stronger written but adverse with the more enjoyable concept so it kind of cancel itself out. With that said, the one thing that separated the two was the use of topic. I thought in that respect, Adverse tackled a little better, utilizing more aspect of it while incorporating a world building approach that was really cool. v/ Adverse. I hope johnny get some votes. this battle is definitely way closer than the votes are indicating. |
05-31-2020, 07:01 PM | #9 |
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Johnny
So this was a bit similar to what I wrote a couple weeks ago about addictions. Atleast that’s what I’m getting. Except your character is an alcoholic? At first I thought you was writing about hunter s Thompson if I’m being honest lol. So I like the idea of breaking down the writing into hours to help the reader get into the process of withdrawals. It’s good tactic but I feel like it didn’t allow the story to progress as smoothly as it should of. It was a dope take on beating addiction. Your wording was spot on and for the most part the story held together nicely. I think my only gripe with this piece is the pacing. It felt jolted and disconnecting at times. Ending was cool but I wish you would spent more time on it instead of just one line. Good stuff Johnny. Ad Ok so I’m a little confused about the ending tbh. I’ll get to that. Anyway this was cool piece ad you took a chance by taking the picture literally and describing it into your story. You pulled it off well tbh. You managed to squeeze in referenceS of the picture from start to finish and never in bunches so it felt natural and not forced. Your wording was spot on as well. But yo if I’m being completely honest. I just don’t get the ending. It’s the first mention of her dying? Going through cancer?Surviving a crash is what I’m assuming. I guess what I’m noticing is you mention her in the hospital bed in the beginning and go straight into making the picture into the story, never mentioning again her at the hospital until the end. For that took away a big from the impact of that twist moment in the story. Good stuff Overall It’s a close one and like art said this is going to be decided by preference. Each person took a unique road to the topic. Both showed talent for story telling and both had the diction going strong. I think johnnys story although the flow of the story wasn’t that great it weirdly progressed smoothly if that makes sense. While ads ending was a bit boring, the rest of his verse was engaging lol. It’s a tough one but I’m going with Johnny on this one. I thought his break down by hour was dope. It made me picture in my head the progression of the day as this man struggled with addiction. So that made me relate more to his piece. Dope battle guys 6 |
06-01-2020, 10:02 PM | #10 |
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Multi-syllable rhymes - Adverse
Cadence/Rhythm/Tempo - Johnny Imagery - Adverse No typos - Johnny (couple typos from Adverse) STORY - TIE Understandability - Johnny (a bit confused at Adverse's ending) Personal Preference (impact on myself as a reader) - Adverse Relation to Picture - Adverse I've read each multiple times and decided to do this brief breakdown into categories. Bottom line, although I was a bit confused by Adverse's ending, his piece as a whole seemed more momentous and slightly more impressive. This is not to say that Johnny's was bad, as I enjoyed his piece about struggle through alcoholism, but I'm casting the vote to Adverse. Thanks for the reads |
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