WEEK 9: Artifice vs brokenhal0 Halo wins

[Adverse]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE
@brokenhal0 @Artifice @Pancakebruh

Max line: 30

Min: 10

DUE DATE: MAY 27TH @ 11:59PM EST

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

TOPIC:

GOOD LUCK

[Johnny 6 feet]

...

[PancakeBrah]

Good luck, guys.

[Artifice]

check... good luck gents.

[brokenhal0]

check

[Artifice]

head on my desk, reflect on what's got me boxed in
been lost so long sometimes find it hard to see the options
aim for progress but often regression's knockin'
ups & downs or in my case recesses and notches
cuz as a tot i wasn't, so i never fell in line
years 7 to 9 spent trapped in the hell of my mind
didn't fit in & never pretended to try
no buddy with this social system so it left me behind
entered adolescence sad & depressed
a raging savage & yet helpless is how i felt at the time
everyone said self-harming was selfish so I
was unaware these scars were carved with the devil's design
tried to find a safe space & hope it'd fit
but these demons had me on edge & left broken to bits
thought patterns fractured by emotional rifts
left me with caverns carved bare of any moments of bliss
& i'm often badgered just cuz my thoughts are scattered
so many setbacks most days feel like i'm walkin' backwards
only take so many stares before i start to scream
ain't fair that people seem to only see the darkest parts of me
but it's hard to blame cuz we all start the same
some learn to burn brightly while others retard the flame
understandin' mental illness indeed is a struggle
too bad my life's branded as just another piece of the puzzle

[brokenhal0]

all hail the wise puzzle the bee's buzz and the fly's love you
all hands in your eye muscle staring threw the mind puddle

putting together the pieces of lies jumbled putting it all back its a time hustle
connect one and the lines fumble stay focused inside the phi bubble

setting blinds for phony deceivers erroneous leaders put my self together
but can you loan me the pieces? only the reapers stop the baloney you cheaters

outside the box getting sent all kinds of shots never fully together
all the times they stopped i was just a game and it stings all kinds of wasp

all the times i watched forcing me to fit where I didn't belong
a billion choices plenty were wrong but this time im fitting for sure

the gift of this song is the puzzle portrays 1 gift for us all
and once complete the lines that divide dissolve into visions evolved

a image that's false fragments of a whole system of stars
you can find others like me in the simplest stores on shelf's with different toys

waiting for the next family to tackle the cause picture me now
are you throwing me back in the box or hanging me on the wall

hanging on your calls puzzled for years mangled by the saws
like anyone cares im the most flattest of them all forgotten shelf

but this time i don't need no stinking help my fingers on the trigger
forcing the puzzle to think for it self...

[Adverse]

@PancakeBrah

[Vulgar]

Artifice - Your writing and rhyming structure reminds me a lot of a writer by the name of 'sematic' who used to be on a forum called Rapflava back in the 2003-2007 range. He had crisp, short lines and used a lot of wordplay and puns. This was solid, enjoyable. Favorite part: "ups & downs or in my case recesses and notches" - nice.

brokenhal0 - Interesting ending. I liked your ambitious take and flair, just in terms of the presentation and the way it was laid out. "Can you loan me the pieces?" was poignant line and I enjoyed that. It was unconventionally structured. I didn't think the ending had that much impact compared to the middle but that's just me. A cryptic ending - one of those 'think about it' lines.

Going with Artifice as it was the safer and more accurate take but this was a close battle!

thanks for the reads

[Johnny 6 feet]

Artifice- Nice internal monologue style piece from you man. You related to the picture perfectly and tied in some really good metaphors without it ever compromising the flor of the piece:

head on my desk, reflect on what's got me boxed in

ups & downs or in my case recesses and notches

years 7 to 9 spent trapped in the hell of my mind

tried to find a safe space & hope it'd fit
but these demons had me on edge & left broken to bits

& i'm often badgered just cuz my thoughts are scattered

Relating the picture to mental illness; an individual broken to pieces, unable to get his thoughts in order was a really cool take. Creative stuff. The rhyme scheme was strong too. Good work.


brokenhal0- A poetic take with a similar theme to Art's. A lot of obscure imagery in here which bore reading into a little deeper than a first take. The picture felt used as a reference point to the narrators state of mind;

the gift of this song is the puzzle portrays 1 gift for us all
and once complete the lines that divide dissolve into visions evolved

I like pieces about the evolution of self. Cool use of imagery and sophisticated use of vocab throughout the piece. Unusual structure helped this stand out too. Nice.


Vote- Artifice, felt he had a better connection to the picture. Enjoyed his imagery a little more. Good battle gents.

[Scar]

artifice, what a clever way to use that picture! Fit in - ha ha that's awesome. You seem to sculpt a whole verse under that phrase, allowing for some nice puns and play on words. The flow and rhymes were very punchy. Do you text battle? anyway, great verse and an even cooler take on the topic.

brokenhalo, hey bud good to see you back again. wow i really enjoyed this. at points, it seems like you were speaking in the voice of the puzzle itself, while alluding to a broken relationship all the while threaded by a string of "uncertainty" as the narrator seems to be struggling to make sense of the world. I really enjoyed this verse. there were some dope as wording and a couple "huh, that was unique": i was just a game and it stings all kinds of wasp

i can understand why artifice is winning in votes but i have to cast mines to brokenhalo. I felt his off kiltered approach was justified with the topic and concept he went for. Artifice will likely win cause his verse was just as good and even more refined but i find a little more to like in halo's verse.

v/ brokenhal0

[Inno]

Art

Man this was good lol. I enjoyed the metaphorical tone this had. I mean you sprinkled clues all through out while making it feel like it all fit excuse the pun. You have a unique way of writing where each line is used to to its max potential and so you never have to write a long piece to tell a complete story, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you go over 30 lol. Anyway this was a dope take on on mental illness and the struggle to fit in to society when you don’t even know how to fit in within your self. Dope piece man foreal.


Halo

First off good to have you back homie. Alright so this piece was very interesting. It was a bis more relaxed with its tone while still maintaining an air of importance with the message. You also went with a metaphor heavy tone that lended itself nicely to the picture. I gotta say though you where more direct with your reference and at a much higher count which made them kind of lose that wow factor. I think if you would scaled back or even done them in a more subtle manner it would of put your story at a better place.


Overall

The votes say art took this easy but tbh halo dropped a dope piece that I thought was equal in many ways to arts piece. I gotta say I like arts piece just a bit more but I could just as easily vote for halo here too. Another tough one in a sorry week lol. I dunno man I think ama give it to halo I think his piece was good enough and his approach was different which I always appreciate it. Dope battle


Halo

[Pharaohs Army]

I liked Artifice's piece and found it to be very technically sound. My only knock would be it was SLIGHTLY on the drab/or cliche side of the spectrum.

I guess that's why this is difficult for me. Artifice was more conventional, technically sound, used the picture tied to 'fitting in'.

But something about brokenhalo's (somewhat broken lol) style captured me as a reader. Particularly his rhymes and near-rhymes early on, and the cadence throughout. In some ways he personfied the puzzle and I thought that was an interesting take.

So while in many ways Artifice wrote the traditionally sound piece, brokenhal0 captured me as a READER and thus my vote will swing to him in this one.

PM me if you want a more thorough breakdown and I will reluctantly provide one.