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Old 05-12-2020, 01:04 PM   #1
Inno
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Default WEEK: Contenders: dead man vs Clutbuck CLOSED TBA


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@dead man @Clutbuck


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Old 05-12-2020, 01:25 PM   #2
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DEAD MAN IS DQ’D FOR POSTING LATE

CLUT WINS

SIGNS OUT AT 5-1

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Old 05-12-2020, 03:42 PM   #3
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hey man
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Old 05-17-2020, 01:42 AM   #4
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already

metastatic. whispers in a breathless vibrato
message in a bottle. shipwrecked with treasure to follow
nevermore. they slept silent, reassembled at dawn
building networks, signal cellular spawn, forever and onward
bloodletter scalpel the carnage. flesh break intestinal trauma
membranous monsters. tearing through our layers, wretched lasagna
terminal promise. caskets and roses. finger-snap and a moment
magma molten. fever sweat, night terrors, rapid mitosis
eyes open. let it soak. nucleic mutants who wait
biding time til it's already too late. booze and a steak
smoke our problems away. we all can relate. god, what a day
mother nature, pull the trigger, sing my zombies awake
jaundice and anxious. paper yellow skin a mountain of flakes
sloughing often. sputum nostril, dormant body decay
hospital gravesite. porous wormhole taking holiday pay
for targeted therapy and a bout of rosacea
charts and papers printed patient. arrows all indicated
they've awakened. crawling quietly through organ and vein
soil and rain. tar and nitrogen. hostile disease
carcinogen elixir mixing water and seed
gnarled tree, tombstone temple they've erected in secret
infective, ghastly specter, cult-like vessel for demons
to be free. nestled between my meat and spirit it seems
to never leave, let me sleep. unearthed their burials, easily
breaking through, breaking me. or who i was. nevermore.
every positive biopsy gives a devil his horns.





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Old 05-17-2020, 06:42 PM   #5
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Clutbuck- Got to admit I cracked a smile on the first line of the piece. So the worm was the evil mastermind all along? Lol. It was an original and comedic take which always works well when blended with the horror genre. Your compounds were good, not overdone, and use of imagery gave me a sense of the scenes you were portraying and the personality of it's antagonist. Strong narrative structure. You gave character development to an invertebrate! Vocab was strong too. Entertaining from start to finish.

Deadman- A more straightforward take on the picture, but you elevated that take to a poetic vibe with a great command of language in this piece. Philosophical musings about things that are brain dead is a contradiction I can appreciate. Like Clut, good rhyme scheme and use of imagery. Relating the zombies to people was a well travelled analogy (popularised by Romero himself), and a nice salute to tradition. Well crafted stuff man. Easy on the eyes. Good job.

Tough call IMO, I think Dead had the edge on vocab but Clut had it on tech. Imagery between the two was really strong and sharply contrasting. Aaaahhhh...

Ok.

Vote- Clutbuck, I liked his originality and narrative structure a little more, but I wouldn't be surprised if the voting back and forths a lot on this one. Great battle guys.
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Old 05-17-2020, 10:41 PM   #6
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BOTW - hands down. Read both verses 4 times.

Clutbuck - More of the same from last week.. you are hitting on all cylinders right now and it's a beautiful thing to see you focused like this. I have never seen you at this level before and I'm loving it. I may not respect you as a person but I'm respecting your writing right now. That said, there are still some lingering issues that I wish you'd switch up but nothing too crazy. This was a terrific showing and I'll post some random thoughts below as I re-read.

Lars taking the perspective of a worm for this one... (insert joke here).. it was well done but I can't ever escape your corniness man. Like Sargent Slimeball... I mean, really? Twisted Twizzlers... all that shit needs to go. I truly wish you tackled a topic without these little quips and just got DARK and serious... if you went that route, I think a combination of that with your technically proficient style and superb flow would make a flammable combination that would be tough to beat.

You had some killer lines in here... and when you connected, the metaphorical weight was seismic in scope, in the way it shakes everything down to its core and really becomes a brilliant double entendre.

"It invites the inhuman drones to shake off their slumber*
and wake from the underground next to their neighbouring number.
The illuminated incumbents ascend from the rubble
extending their supple limbs toward the light at the end of the tunnel.
There’s a sedentary shuffle as the night pulls closer
before their eyes bulge open in a lightbulb moment
!"

More of this please ^^. Dope as fuck.

Also... The "five hearts" line was cool to me because yes, worms have five hearts but also in our topic last week there was five hearts attached to the 'evil plant' in the picture. This probably wasn't intended as a crossover but I immediately made the connection because I counted the hearts last week lol. If you would've alluded to this I would've marked the fuck out. I wish you had.

Loved how you wrapped this all up too. That final line was perfect. It kind of poked fun at your entire concept yet made it relevant through the metaphor in which you told it in lol... so good.

Bravo, Lars.


dead man - The beginning of this piece was absolute fire... Some of the best bars I've seen from you so far in this league. There was literally no downside and each line - each SYLLABLE - was bang on.

"bloodletter scalpel the carnage. flesh break intestinal trauma
membranous monsters. tearing through our layers, wretched lasagna
terminal promise. caskets and roses. finger-snap and a moment
magma molten. fever sweat, night terrors, rapid mitosis
"

Shit. Like c'mon... that was fucking insane.

"mother nature, pull the trigger, sing my zombies awake
jaundice and anxious. paper yellow skin a mountain of flakes
sloughing often. sputum nostril, dormant body decay
hospital gravesite. porous wormhole taking holiday pay"

This is such a well done piece technically, like its unmatched in that respect. But I think you also have a tendency to skim over the surface of your topics when you do this, and dont really go in, in terms of plot and characters etc. And you didn't quite end this verse with the same veracity and strength technically, but given the absolute perfection of the first half I'd say it still held its own overall. This was a super impressive piece, one of my favs from you thus far...

Upon another re-read, I really liked how you ended it... kind of cementing what you were going for - as in the zombies were the dormant cancer cells in the body that awakened... I thought that was genius, and something I didnt really catch for the better part of the piece... but all the hints were there. You did a good job nailing the point home at the end without being too on the nose about it.

Honestly I had Clutbuck winning this after first read, but I didnt really fully grasp dead man's concept at that point... If it came down to a personality contest we all know who would win lol... but this is about the verses... but does that even change the result in the end? Hmm. I'm still unsure. It was so damn close. Okay... I feel one hit maybe one foot deeper in terms of a unique story and overall depth, technically. But let's break it down.

These are some of the categories which I look for:

Story - dead man (Clut's corniness is what cost him here;; dm's Zombie approach was super unique)
Best Lines - dead man
Flow - Clutbuck (close but dm's was more of a constant stop and go approach while Clut's was smooth throughout)
Word choices - dead man
Multi's - Clutbuck
Rhyme Schemes - Tie
Presentation - Clutbuck
Lasting Impression - dead man

So I have it 4-3 dead man with a tie thrown in there... Lasting Impression is just what it says, what piece will stick with me when I think back on this battle? Will it be Clut's brilliant worm metaphor or dead man's equally genius flip of the zombie concept - labeling them cancerous cells in the body?

I know which one I will remember more...

Vote - dead man

Awesome job, gentlemen.
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Old 05-19-2020, 01:23 PM   #7
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Clutbuck- idk why, but i kept imagining the same feel of sylvester stallone's character from Antz. interesting approach to the pic, i wasn't expecting that. and as much as it was supposed to be sinister, i couldn't help picturing a cartoon of all this happening. which for me was honestly kinda cool. different. your flow was on point and i didnt see any lines that missed either, it was a nice quick little read. kinda wish you dug deeper though, like i said, it's hard to take worms seriously in a horror aspect. although, the movie Tremors falls under horror. anyways, it was interesting and kept me engaged.

Word on the peat had alerted him to a zombie apocalypse
in the offing that promises to see them pop up their coffin lids.
haha loved that. the whole piece was oddly playful kinda like your golden egg entry

deadman- usual style of impressive imagery. your shit comes off as a quick list of things sometimes, it's pretty cool, like a preview to a newspaper article or something. and i'm always offered a picture and a strong writer's voice with every piece.

mother nature, pull the trigger, sing my zombies awake
jaundice and anxious. paper yellow skin a mountain of flakes


your description is strong throughout. same with vocabulary. and the ending line was very affective.

i dont like making decisions on battles like these, especially when i find them pretty even by themselves. but i have to go with dead man here, i was able to take his writing more seriously as a topic, as a whole, and as for taking something away from it beginning to end. i think if clutbuck applied those technical skills to a topic that would come across more serious, he would've had it tbh..

v/deadman
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Old 05-19-2020, 10:11 PM   #8
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Lars put your verse back up, you insecure petty piece of shit. Was about to vote on this.
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Old 05-19-2020, 10:19 PM   #9
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You're such a poor sport, way too arrogant, insecure, and obviously NOT about facing top competition for votes. Your incident with NYC, Universe, and now this display of lack of gamesmanship. What was he, less than 2 hours past the deadline. Hey buddy, I like your writings even tho I've soured on you personally, so you might have got my vote and been tied here. Shouldn't have panicked so early and pulled the Lars routine.
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Old 05-19-2020, 10:50 PM   #10
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@Inno please close this when you get a chance

thanks everybody
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Old 05-20-2020, 02:09 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pharaohs Army View Post
Lars put your verse back up, you insecure petty piece of shit. Was about to vote on this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pharaohs Army View Post
You're such a poor sport, way too arrogant, insecure, and obviously NOT about facing top competition for votes. Your incident with NYC, Universe, and now this display of lack of gamesmanship. What was he, less than 2 hours past the deadline. Hey buddy, I like your writings even tho I've soured on you personally, so you might have got my vote and been tied here. Shouldn't have panicked so early and pulled the Lars routine.
Send me some interview questions across; this is out of character for me and I’m happy to explain why.

Last edited by Diablo; 05-20-2020 at 02:40 AM.
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