WEEK 8: Adverse vs Vulgar(sub) ADVERSE WINS

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE


@Adverse @Vulgar


Max line: 30

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: May 16, 2020 11:59 EST TIME

GOODLUCK!

[Adverse]

Check even though I'm opponent-less

[Vulgar]

Minca Der Leyen


The white stone mansion was lavish. Built from a lot of hand grease
Carved with angelic figures, flowers, an eye for Baroque - a springtime motif
“Anton von Der Leyen taken ill in transit to the Lagana mine
And we’re afraid he won’t make it through the nighttime”
The Prussian countryman turned lithium tycoon had strong genetics -
A former long-distance swimming champion, also well-connected
He married a woman he met in 1850 in Germany on business travel
They had a boy and girl – Minca and Rudolf, was about all they could handle
The lithium mines were like his second and third home – multiple sites
He and his partners recruited local workers
And a couple hardened war veterans who were known berserkers
In the burning heat, they would take turns and beat
With whip or fist for those who didn’t pay the daily labor quota
Blood and sweat mixed with lithium dust had a certain balm, a taste, an odor…
“Mr. Gouth, would you like some pomegranate tea?” Minca asked her father’s partner
The table was made of rosewood,silver tray for beverages.
She’d picked it out. She was her father’s daughter.
“Dear Minca – I do offer my sincere condolences for your loss.
It’s so sudden; how death strikes -
The situation is, you’ve got full rights and ownership to some mining sites”
“I went out there in the Congolese country when I was a child. I know the ropes.
I’ve seen the financial side of it and understand international trade up-close.”
Mr. Gouth smiled, relieved. “Anton did tell me you were a sleuth at math
But I can help you develop your managerial abilities too. Now, to get to the root of that…
We sell lithium and other things to a range of European and American clientele
The negotiation tables are usually within wealthy residences where we try and sell
Some deals go smoothly, and some can be cutthroat. I want you to be aware of this”
Minca looked into his eyes.
“I’ll be fine, sir. I hope that doesn't make me sound arrogant.”

[Adverse]

I Have a Mouth, But I Cannot Scream.

I wasn’t born, I merely came to be, this wasn’t the world I had sought
Caged inside of this monotony, my flowers smell like eternal rot
All I’ve ever known is this empty, breathing in this musty, poisonous smog
Watching the misery bleed through every crack in these gray, foyer walls
I take my seat amongst the familiar, the table set with the same dishes and cutlery
I take a deep breath and submerge my lips in the sea of this black, pungent tea
Used to count the days that passed, the walls ran out of room at forty six hundred weeks
Every day I wake up and follow the same pattern, a prisoner of this redundancy
Until i wind up sitting in this same seat as always, is that destiny’s doing?
The others in attendance are but skeletons...i look down at my peach hands, I guess that I’m human
The only thing misplaced here is the makeshift window in front of the table, sawed mid-wall to the floor
It’s a portal to another dimension, where I marvel at the marble decor
Arches and pillars branched across the showroom that any artist would adore
An abstract jungle that anyone with adventure in their heart can come explore..
I find solace in this window chalk full of alternate realities
Infinite possibilities, where it’s more than alright to fall out routine
And if I could move my frozen limbs, I’d make a dive for the glass pane
I’d crumble up the memories of this past life and make them dance with ash and flame
But alas, I’m stuck inside this cage, forced to stomach despair
Each passersby of the otherworld stop mid stride to pass their judgments and stare
They critically rub their chin, crack a grin and find amusement in my pain
I’d smile back if I could for the irony of their beautiful disdain
They call me “gothic” “dark” “a masterpiece!” They praise my creator’s brush
Yes the painter ...so focused on alleviating his tortured soul, he never realized he created one
Is this a museum Or mausoleum? Well it’s all the same to me
Because I can’t decay, I am forever engraved in history, I will never seize to be
At the people’s beck and call for criticism, I only wish I could rest my head and sleep
And the biggest irony? You crafted two pale lips on me, well aware that..
I could never scream.

[PancakeBrah]

Vulgar - CLASSIC VULGAR. It was Dr. Nerumberg in the Capitalist Foyer with a bottle of dayglo.

Parts of this were really good, parts of this were not as really good. The dialogue was the best sustained portion. I liked these;

“Mr. Gouth, would you like some pomegranate tea?” Minca asked her father’s partner
The table was made of rosewood,silver tray for beverages.
She’d picked it out. She was her father’s daughter.

“I went out there in the Congolese country when I was a child. I know the ropes.
I’ve seen the financial side of it and understand international trade up-close.”
Mr. Gouth smiled, relieved. “Anton did tell me you were a sleuth at math
But I can help you develop your managerial abilities too. Now, to get to the root of that…

Blood and sweat mixed with lithium dust had a certain balm, a taste, an odor…

I liked your approach to the topic. You don't focus on the woman in the photo, Minca in this case, until about the 2/3 mark. The photo describes her just as well as the she, in the verse, describes the photo;

The negotiation tables are usually within wealthy residences where we try and sell
Some deals go smoothly, and some can be cutthroat. I want you to be aware of this”
Minca looked into his eyes.
“I’ll be fine, sir. I hope that doesn't make me sound arrogant.”

Instead of simply writing about the photo you let the photo inform your verse and add context to it, which is clever and not the usual tact in these things.

You've always been great at focusing on the content before the rhyme, probably one of my favorites at that aspect of this hobby. Usually when I read Open Mics or topicals I grade how well the writer contorts, or hides the contortion, a line to hit an impressive scheme or fresh multi. In this piece, the rhymes are a secondary, perfunctory aspect. Some were okay, but that doesn't really matter. I thought a couple lines in the first third were a bit dry, expository, and awkward; only hitch in the whole thing. Enjoyed reading this.



Adverse- CLASSIC ADVERSE. Not really, this is the first time I've read a piece of yours. Hyper literal take on the topic, the photo/painting is a photo/painting, with a psychological horror bent. I appreciated the allusory title. Felt that this was the strongest portion of the piece;

I take a deep breath and submerge my lips in the sea of this black, pungent tea
Used to count the days that passed, the walls ran out of room at forty six hundred weeks
Every day I wake up and follow the same pattern, a prisoner of this redundancy
Until i wind up sitting in this same seat as always, is that destiny’s doing?
The others in attendance are but skeletons...i look down at my peach hands, I guess that I’m human
The only thing misplaced here is the makeshift window in front of the table, sawed mid-wall to the floor
It’s a portal to another dimension, where I marvel at the marble decor

In particular, sawed mid-wall to the floor, I guess that I'm human, and hundred weeks ideas. Well described with good rhyming. This was good as well, and encapsulated the whole piece into one line;

Yes the painter ...so focused on alleviating his tortured soul, he never realized he created one

I think you had some lines that hinted at a more interesting exploration of your topic. The hyper literal approach can allow for some meta twists and ideas but this was sort of a straight putt.

They call me “gothic” “dark” “a masterpiece!” They praise my creator’s brush

At the people’s beck and call for criticism, I only wish I could rest my head and sleep

Those are good one off lines that speaks to art criticism while your main protagonist is literally art, which is cool to me. As it is, though, the majority of the verse is descriptive (good descriptive) focusing on the psychological horror of what it'd be like to be trapped as a painting, basically. I think you could have done that in a shorter amount of line time, then explored these meta concepts and taken on grander ideas, using your approach as the springboard. I don't like to Monday morning quarterback other writers' verses too much but the piece hints at these ideas so I think it's fair game.

On a technical level everything was pretty solid throughout. One or two hiccups (glass pane / ash and flame messes me up) but nothing worth downgrading the verse for.

Just as an aside I read your Week 7 verse before finishing this vote, just to provide some context. That was a great verse.




Really enjoyable match-up. While Adverse was more technically proficient, I enjoyed Vulgar's approach and writing a touch more. Thanks guys.

Vulgar

[Johnny 6 feet]

Vulgar- Very nice. Very nice indeed. You gave us a history lesson, the full backstory of how the picture came about and didn't swerve for a single line. You set the scene nicely and the change to the father's daughter was a nice gear change which was sudden, but not jarring. I liked the finish to the story which was in-keeping with social roles at the time. There was a lot of character development just in that small interaction. Vocab was strong, imagery was great. It's a shame you're subbing Vulgar, this league could really use you as a regular.

Adverse- Damn, I got chills. This was some horror movie stuff right here. It was an original idea to look as the picture as a literal painting and the woman inside frozen in place. The idea of her looking back at the people admiring the art was deep and dripping with atmosphere. The detail of the setting reflected the narrator's familiarity, and the punchline of 'I could never scream' was a great closer, both giving me an insight to her deepest desire and a horrific image guaranteed to stay with a reader for ages. Same as Vulgar; strong vocab, great imagery.

There was very little to call between this battle tbh. Both had great takes and a talent with words. But, after a lot of back and forth I'm giving this to...

Vote- Adverse, I liked her take just a little more. Great battle guys.

[Universe]

Vulgar - Cool verse here. Complex. I felt the story was told really well but some loose connections to the picture were kind of hard to tie up for me. I may have missed something but even if I did, it's up to you as a writer to drive your point home. From what I gathered, some rich heiress inherits a dangerous mine where people died and has to learn the ropes of the business - the business being "cutthroat" and these deals occur in the homes of rich residences, and we are left by the plot before we see what happens at the negotiation tables. I get the metaphor, and it IS a creative take, but maybe it's just me, cuz I am having a hard time with the direction you took with this. I loved the historical approach and it was different, but I had to read it twice to really grasp the plot and therefore probably missed the Intri***ies of your verse which I would usually catch on 2nd read. Regardless, more than likely just a personal preference in terms of story.

Aside from that, I liked this, it was well done and confidently written. You have an innate ability to tell truly complex tales and you definitely, ironically, bring your characters to life. I'm not sure what your issue is with not signing in, but I'm pretty sure even if you win you can't actually win or take a loss, based on substitution rules of the past. So hopefully you sign in and do this officially next week.

This was some good work here, Vulgar. I can see why you have all those accolades.


Adverse - Polar opposite of Vulgar's here in terms of plotting. Clear and to-the-point, this is more the style I enjoy reading. This was another well done piece with vivid imagery and dope lines. You are still running a little long with your line length but being consistent throughout really helps it flow better, which you did again here.
I would edge in the favor of Vulgar in terms of complexity, but you exceeded his on a technical and story-driven level. Also, this is HORROR week and I felt you stayed more true to that topical approach.

I can see this being a back and forth battle, with some people favoring Vulgar's intelligent historical style and some favoring Adverse's downright creepy but concise tale. But seeing how this is horror week and I'm expecting to be creeped out, I'm going with my personal preference here. Very close battle and entertaining for the most part. Thanks fellas.

Vote - Adverse

PS @Johnny 6 feet Adverse is not a "her" lol.

[Johnny 6 feet]

Oops! Sorry Adverse, think I confused you with something else. :S

[Scar]

vulgar, that was such an awesome verse. At first read i'm like, well that was pretty anti-climatic. Gave a second read and if what i'm thinking is correct, what a beautifully rendered story. beautiful in terms of writing and concept. the story was a very dark one. I'm interpreting that she's very much involved in the death of her father. the word choices were subtle when it had to be and "ambiguously overt" when it had to be - Some deals go smoothly, and some can be cutthroat. I enjoy this type of character development where its not done in a direct way but in a round about way. things like the description of her father's ruthlessness and then you attached a valuable piece of info in a very calculated, almost endearing manner, "she's her father's daughter" - man that shit says alot about her without saying much about her. awesome.

adverse, this was really awesome bro.Concept of this verse was so cool. The verse seems to be in the voice of a painting. obviously a very strong connection with the picture topic this week. you're the woman in the center of the painting. I honestly think this is your best verse. The language used, the flow, the imagery, everything just kind of came together so beautifully. the way you described her window to our world was so fucking cool. "Yes the painter ...so focused on alleviating his tortured soul, he never realized he created one" now that line was awesome.

i choose this as my BOTW. This is like the hardest battle to vote on. YOu got vulgar who really told story about the dark tendency using carefully selected word at such precise moments then you got adverse who drop one of the most creative verse i've read this season so far. wow...hard hard hard. ok, i will say that by the slimmest and i mean slimmest slim of margin, i have to vote Vulgar because of the intrigue. When i read it, i kept discovering things about it. Adverse entry showed strong creative writing and its really haunting but i think Vulgar's details and nuances won him by like the slimmest margin possible. Such an awesome battle guys. Thanks for the read.

v/ Vulg

[Bodey]

dude what an amazing battle, for real. definitely BOTW here. amazing stuff guys.

Vulgar- dude i'm not gonna lie, i actually googled the names from your story lmao cuz i was like, the pictured topic looks like an infamous photo that i can't place, and now i feel dumb because i really dont know. so when i read your piece, it seemed like a historical narrative based on like a Shakespeare story or something. anyway, i found it very interesting, you painted an accurate, detailed picture here and i found the take creative, even after having to read it a few times to catch the things i missed.

Adverse- really good stuff here man. i really liked the idea of being trapped in a painting, it's a chilling idea, almost twilight-zone-esque.

They call me “gothic” “dark” “a masterpiece!” They praise my creator’s brush
Yes the painter ...so focused on alleviating his tortured soul, he never realized he created one --definitely my favorite line, as well as the last 2 to bring it altogether

now, like many other close battles, as i mentioned in the past, i feel like this partly comes down to preference. while vulgar had a more in depth story with the topic, adverse also provided the same attention to detail when it came to imagery, in my opinion. as descriptive as vulgar was, adverse kept my attention throughout, and also his ending had a lasting effect for me emotionally, versus vulgar's. i think i'm gonna go with the underdog here. but i will say, making a choice for one or the other, feels like i'm doing an injustice toward writing itself. very hard vote here gentleman

v/Adverse

[Pharaohs Army]

I feel like Vulgar gave readers a great little snapshot into a (fictional) moment in history; though it reads as non-fiction.

No relation to the picture that I can see

Adverse I must say seems to always face tough opponents at their best. I like his stuff, including this verse, but I just don't think it had the depth and descriptions of Vulgar's verse

He wrote to the picture and I must say packed a few more rhymes in than Vulgar. Both pluses I just don't know if it's enough.


I'm not going to DQ Vulgar for not relating to the picture (Although I advise him to try and do so from now on)

I just think he had the better piece of writing this week

Thanks for the reads.

[Diablo]

Battle Of The Week for sure here fellas!

I always like to take a look at the image first and see what I drew from it. The picture was a goodie, full of angles to be explored and open to some serious world-building — my first thoughts are “Who could these women be, and why is the central one human (the rest deceased)?” It looks to me at first glance like she would be some sort of Queen possibly, and the rest her servants, or possibly other former monarchs in her family tree - the lineage all resulting in death somehow, and maybe our Queen somehow managed/manages to escape the reapers hand, or plans to do so? It’s an interesting one. Let’s see what you guys get from it...


Vulgar - Your verse sets the scene well from the gate with the mansions descriptions and some solid world building to introduce the characters at play - the long distance swimmer detail in particular was done well as it added some backstory to the Fatherly character, but it also serves as somewhat of a red herring to the reader because it reads as if it’s some sort of Chekhov’s Gun that should be paid attention to when it’s not so essential in truth. I liked that misdirection to it, you utilised it well IMO and I didn’t see anyone else mention that yet. I agree with Pancake that the dialogue section was the standout here, the pomegranate tea line especially was another deft touch of you centring the verse in the period well and making it more believable. I think my favourite section was around 2/3rds into this one, from there on it was really enjoyable and you don’t even realise you’re reading a topical verse as it has you immersed in the writing. I maybe half-expected a twist to be truthful, so I was pleased when you didn’t go that route. I don’t think it needed it. It was almost a period snapshot of the young female being sworn in to the family business and having no qualms about getting her hands dirty when required. Very enjoyable read.


Adverse - You had me intrigued from the opening line, it was almost like a riddle and I wanted to know why you weren’t born. The cogs start turning instantly. The prisoner of redundancy line was you putting some of yourself into your work with you recently losing your job - I thought that was very subtle and deftly done but I noticed what you did there. Lol. The realisation that you were actually a painting itself was a dope twist, one I didn’t see coming, and the more creative here I felt. The closing line especially here felt more of a resolution than I got from Vulgars, so how to score it? I think in terms of world building, Vulgar had more in the way of a backstory and character development to his - but then Adverse was a canvas, an inanimate object, so he was limited as to what he could do in that category. Imagery wise the two of you were evenly matched in truth, it’s hard to split either on that front as it’s an area both excel at, I think as far as technical ability both again are neck and neck really - there’s little to score it between you both, which brings me back to personal preference for creativity and originality, and while Vulgar was very good in what he did - the “flip” on the topic that Adverse has kind of pulled the rug from under the reader at the end and I’ve long been a fan of that style of storytelling.

I’m going with Adverse here

Well done, gentleman!