WEEK 7: dead man vs Adverse DEAD MAN WINS

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE


@dead man @Adverse

Max line: 30

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: May 8, 2020 11:59 EST TIME

GOODLUCK!

[Adverse]

Been looking forward to this dead man

Check

[dead man]

Hey

[Adverse]

I had the dream again…

Where I come to, tangled in the overgrown weeds of my memory
There, drowning beneath the grass blades is my sweetest serenity
It’s just a mind game that sleep plays but if left up to me I would never leave
Reliving the classics on repeat, every scene you’re here next to me

….but as I awaken on our apartment’s sofa, each time is ruder and abrupt
Reluctantly mustering a defeated breath, inhaling the accumulated dust
Been an eternity since you've gone...I've been caught in the slew of the last few months
At ground zero, drunkenly shuffling through debris in the ruins of our love
A beautifully decayed bouquet stoically sits next to a "happy anny" note I scribbled up
The once radiant yellow flowers befell the same fate as me, to wither and die without your touch
And when i find uncommon breaks in New York traffic and the noise all settles
I think how breathtaking you looked even as the cancer destroyed your vessel
Silk white dress, already looked the part as you ascended into heaven
Can't escape the stain of your remnants our possessions are possessed by your essence
So I chase my breath to the balcony, where the cemented ocean stretched out below us
On most nights we'd catch a high, cast a line and fish for locomotives
Picking each other's brains, inventing new ways to shift the focus..
It's all so crystal clear but just out of reach, so i can't quite grip the moments
I climb the railing, sidestep till i find the perfect perch to end this accursed limbo
I look adjacent to a window finding a crow, the universal symbol
My theatrics garner an audience, like schools of sharks, antsy for carnage
Stomach conjuring acid, I drown them all in the delayed splash of my vomit
As I try to follow suit, and force my feet of clay to make the bravest step..
I feel the ghost of your sweet caress lay across the nape of my neck
"Come be with me darling…" in the ghastly voice lies the courage to leap from this ledge
As I zoom to the earth and make impact, every bystander on the street is painted red…

….but as I awaken on the sofa, every time gets more abrupt and rude
Clutching at the request you left on my neck responding “I would love to…”
But no matter how many times I’ve tried, I haven’t been able to see it through
So close yet so far, but I'll die a million more times over just to be with you

[dead man]

a body fell today

On Clark and Lasalle. hardly a sound.
a ripple in a pond of sewage water and brownstone
shockwave calmly resounding, softening ground
brick / bone / brainstem / clothing / cartilage piles
walking around in herds like cattle caught in a storm
clearing out the bar and the apartments and stores
twisted apart a carcass en forme. on my walk to the corner
it's all doctors and coroners. Chicago, this is par for the course
chalking his form, in memoriam: a star is reborn
couldn't make me care although i wanted to mourn
finally got to Walgreens near a quarter to 5
grabbed a Morning-After packet. waited in line
selected debit and signed. tears welling but i kept it inside
brought the bag to hers and then we said our goodbyes
forever, i had tried to be the person she chose
over whoever was the first to propose, at however-years-old
to distant versions of herself. i hope he already knows
how you used to get stoned and text me off of his phone
undercover our post. under covers every second we had
color us bad. what fucking difference does it make if we're happy
tell me that
nevermind, it's fine, i wish you the best. consider perspective
at least i haven't swandived into pits of cement
poor bastard. i wonder who it was, what monsters he grew
you called me weeping and i realized
the monster was you

[Universe]

Adverse - And you doubted yourself lol. What did I tell you about bouncing back? Cuz you just did. This was everything I wanted and expected from you. A great story with multiple layers unfolding - you stayed with the God-like narrator voice (your strength) - and it paid off in terms of moving the plot forward in interesting ways. I loved the dream aspect, although cliched, it actually drew me in as I wanted to see where you were going with this. The jumper concept is so cool but it can be pretty easy to write about, so I like how you added a layer there... it was much needed with this topic.

This part really made me lock in:

"So I chase my breath to the balcony, where the cemented ocean stretched out below us
On most nights we'd catch a high, cast a line and fish for locomotives
Picking each other's brains, inventing new ways to shift the focus..
It's all so crystal clear but just out of reach, so i can't quite grip the moments"

I knew after reading that I was in good hands for the last half of the verse. It was just such a powerful few bars. So well done man.

Only negative I can really see is the flow was kind of a stretch - lots of long winded lines. But it was consistent throughout, so no line really seemed too jarring. I just got used to it.

I think this piece ended on a great, albeit predictable, emotional note. Adverse, you are at your best when you allow yourself to "go there". I think you know what I mean... When you take your story to such a level of depth that it exposes you and leaves you vulnerable. THIS is what we tune in for. ThIS is where you have to go to succeed. You did here, and it paid off.

Now, let's see if it's enough to get passed dead man...


dead man - I think this may be the most story-driven piece you've done yet. Your usual style still flourished through but this one felt like more of a focused effort, rather than the, I guess you can say, metaphorical approach I'm used to seeing from you. Still don't know how I feel about that so I'm going to have to dive in deeper... Okay. Let's break it down. It started off kind of like a news report - here's what happened, then let's hit rewind and tell you HOW it happened, which was a cool approach. From what I gathered, this story was about a "couple" - the woman cheating, and the man hopelessly in love - and the struggles he faces with that predicament. One day the jumper wakes up the man to the possibility that his obsession is not healthy, and the cause of this obsession - the woman he loves - is the "monster" causing these feelings to simmer to the surface. Yet, ultimately, it won't matter as his love will always win out. I got the feeling the man may be looking for a way out though, like his guilty conscience may be starting to get the better of hin, because he linked the reasons the man jumped with a woman.(Most issues are caused by women let's be honest lol jk) She called him crying- and he finally realizes the monster is her, consuming him and his life, and therefore everything around him. I mean, he barely stopped to gawk at the scene before him... just continued to the store. She means more to him than even a public suicide. That's a powerful statement. It's an interesting take... one that I may not have fully grasped lol... but it sure is fascinating.

Loved this part:

"forever, i had tried to be the person she chose
over whoever was the first to propose, at however-years-old
to distant versions of herself. i hope he already knows
how you used to get stoned and text me off of his phone
undercover our post. under covers every second we had
color us bad. what fucking difference does it make if we're happy
tell me that"

Classic dead man there.

I did enjoy this, but it seemed I had to really focus in on this piece to make the pieces connect. The flow was great as always, but some wordplay in here was a little beneath you I thought (coroner/corner) but overall another solid drop from the best around.

GREAT battle here fellas. Most likely BOTW. I'll go with the piece that connected with me the most this week.

Vote - Adverse

Thanks for the amazing reads guys. Great way to kick off my morning :).

[Scar]

adverse, yeah this the adverse i know. a very interesting story wrapped in poetic language that's customary of "you". I really enjoy this alot. It tells of a lovestricken guy who has this recurrign dream - or nightmare - where his beloved is calling him to join her. Its a very sad an emotional driven piece that really works with that picture. One of the best thing about this verse were the imagery. You packed it full of very nice appropriate imagery. It was haunting for sure. The rhymes were very good. the accumulated dust not only a nice rhyme but an awesome imagery. There's not much wrong with this verse besides maybe a couple of jarring spots in the flow the department.

dead man, this was a cool take on the topic. I won't dive into the plot as Uni pretty summed it up perfectly. The picture serves as but one component to the story but it spoke with much volume. THe fact that a suicide in front of the character did very little to stir him from his devotion to this unnamed, attached woman spoke to the degree of affection he holds for her. This was a very cool character study. Still intact are the crisp rhyme scheme and economical wording that paint pictures in interesting way. I really enjoyed this verse. thanks.

Both adhere to the effect of outside influence. But I felt dead dug deeper in that regards. The way the methodically break it down by way of narrative was quite a sight to behold. Ad used a slightly more cliche approach but it was chalk full of emotions. They both ended on somber note but I think deadman examines the cause while ad went for the effect. I’ve seen the latter before and it’s almost akin to tropes so I will vote deadman for a more unique and interesting analysis

v/Dead Man

[Vulgar]

Adverse - The setup for the verse was pretty neat. Good idea and executed well. The storyline was almost gripping for me, possibly a bit muted by the longer-style lines and the sentimental expressions from the man for his deceased lover. The details were there, the rhyming was there, but I didn't feel as though I wasn't reading a verse, I wasn't caught up in the story, persay.

dead man - That was a good twist at the end. I liked the fast-paced way of telling the story. It had a combination of elements, e.g. environment, past recollections, locations, so it read almost like a flash fiction comic strip.

Vote dead man

His ending had a bit more impact for me than Adverse's. It sort of wrapped it up in a clever way.

Thx for the reads

[Bodey]

Adverse- like Uni said, stop doubting yourself. i did that all week, and went against what we all hate as writers-- posted an incomplete piece. your piece on the other hand, does not feel incomplete at all. the intro/outro was a creative touch, i liked that it was a dream he kept going for. you dont die in your dreams, which is unfortunate in his case since that's what he wants. So I chase my breath to the balcony, where the cemented ocean stretched out below us
On most nights we'd catch a high, cast a line and fish for locomotives
Picking each other's brains, inventing new ways to shift the focus..

loved that. beautiful. this was good shit, Adverse

deadman- you know me, you've always been a favorite writer of mine on here. this is probably one of my favorites that you've posted in this competition. i felt this guy's pain man, especially the lines leading up to the "tell me that" A lot of people commented to me and Adverse last week about how hard it is to write a 50line poem to something. I actually feel the exact opposite. you established what i've always wanted to as a writer, providing a complete, emotional story in as little as 20 or so lines. which means every one of those lines have to hit, and i find that's hard to do.

i hate having to vote on shit like this bc i liked both but i have to give the edge to deadman, it just hit me a little harder is all

v-deadman

[Johnny 6 feet]

Adverse- Wow. The emotion in this piece was so well executed. The narrators dream was dripping with imagery and powerful memories that made me connect to the piece on a personal level. Losing someone you love to cancer is a hell I can relate to.

"I think how breathtaking you looked even as the cancer destroyed your vessel
Silk white dress, already looked the part as you ascended into heaven"

Great use of vocab and your rhyme scheme was strong throughout. Felt the lines were a little stretched here and there, but that's a minor nickpick is a very strong piece. Great work.

Deadman- Another great showing from you this week. You did a good job of putting me in the narrator's mind and explaining his relationship to the woman. Flow wise this was smooth as silk, and plot twist at the end was a great finish that was built up to in just the right way. Pacing, choice of vocab, nothing to fault here.

The quality of this battle is a testament to the quality of the league as a whole. Both came strong with original takes of the topics and there was little to choose between them. But choose i must so...

Vote- Adverse, I felt she had a slightly better take on the topic. On a technical level there wasn't much to separate them.

Great stuff guys. :)

[Artifice]

Damn, this one's hard for me to decide.

Adverse

You knew you had a top tier opponent this week, so you dug deep and it showed. You did a great job painting the angst the character had felt and how they weren't really moving past it but just dwelling on it. The ending also caught me by surprise, I wasn't expecting the inception/waking life style ending. I agree with someone above that the lines were a little long, but for the most part it didn't hurt the flow much for me. A word here or there could be tweaked, but otherwise a solid effort.

dead man

You have an uncanny knack to pack so much into so little. The way you wove the character through their interaction in society (and society's general attitude toward itself) and their personal issue so seamlessly demonstrates why you're so respected. I dug your twist as well and while it didn't hit me as hard as Adverse's it brought everything full circle in a way I wasn't expecting.

This is hard, I could see myself voting differently tomorrow, but today I felt that Adverse's verse grabbed me more, despite dead man's being a little more tight technically. Props to both, great jobs.

v/ Adverse

[Inno]

I had a long vote and that shit got timed out Godam it


Ad

This was a solid verse bro. The way you painted the emotions with your words was something else. Your imagery was spot while your wording was smooth and delicate lol. The intro outro thing was cool. I hated ruder and abrupt it was awkwardly phrased in the beginning but you flipped it in he ending and I caught a big more appreciation for it tbh lol. Honestly only flaw I see is the ending, could of been a little more impactful but if fits the story well.


Dead man

Lol man this was some top notch story telling tbh. It was yet again a clever take on the topic. Very subtle way to take away from the main focal point of the picture but still bringing it to light in the end. You know I love how you focus on the cheating aspect but in the the twist bring the obvious point across, soem one always gets hurt. It’s a very relatable take tbh. The twist though unexpected felt like it was coming. Great way to look into your self and be honest about what your guilty of. Dope


Overall


I had a whole break down and quotes and all and my phone died lol. Any way this was such a dope battle thank you both. Ssverse had the raw emotion and imagery while black had the story telling and perspective. Man this is tough, great week this week lol. I wish I could vote tie but I can’t. I’m gonna give this one to dead man by an ass hair. Such a dope a battle foreal thanks guys for the read!


Dead man