10-07-2017, 01:37 AM | #1 |
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Fractured Figments - Vlad + Nemean
Fractured Figments
A dog barks into an empty field as i walk past, ears I attempt to shield heavy steps as I muddled through until distracted by a puddles view a glare keeps me from the courses I differ I stare deep through porcelain shimmers... Fractured figments; a mind wrapped in instants, Memories stacked yet distant, A blotched canvas trapped in pigments; Cracked yet brilliant. A broken reflection stuck in a two way mirror, Part darkness, apart, heartless, A hearts carcass, Reaching for a start, chartless. Singular sentiments seem simple, soothing, Yet a blind mind provides such single movements, Indulging in war is not a symbol blooming, When the fight against oneself is like a cymbal booming. Gathered in the corner of a room like dust and debris from the breeze Nothing, yet as real as the dimples and dots you see when you sneeze The tormented tension, the infectious inch of doubt that divides a hope Time, twisting and turning I’m the grey scale inside the kaleidoscope Force feed my soul with the anxious thoughts like furrowed seeds Fracturing through saturated soil just to get stifled by thorough needs such a callous carcass, a vehicle, void, empty of any rhyme or reason coasting cautiously completely unaware of change in any time or season whilst winters frigidity looms I’m oblivious, anaesthetized numb to touch which wallowing justification will I use, what excuse will I run to clutch? Stunned; a bitter chill travels down my spine, Blinking, vision returning, unraveling my mind, A minute trapped in motion, Within that captured notion, A hint; encapsulating focus, providing a seasoned grip, The realization; It's my life, and now I see what I can fix ..... .... ... .. . |
10-09-2017, 02:09 PM | #2 |
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ears I attempt to shield
only Yoda speaks like this until distracted by a puddles view why not: until I was distracted by a puddle's view? a glare keeps me from the courses I differ should there be a comma after courses? cuz I don't know how you'd differ a course. I think you lost me in your intro -- this wasn't a bad piece, but you're trying too hard to sound like a writer. It doesn't need to be contrived, it needs to be authentic. Very little of this resembles authentic human emotion for me. Sorry.
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10-09-2017, 05:50 PM | #3 |
rhyme capsule.
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a cymbal wouldn't boom, it'd crash.
4/10 tbh only read the first verse then scanned the second so take my rating as arbitrary but fully authentic. |
10-10-2017, 08:53 AM | #4 |
White Earl
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Fucking gone @only yoda speaks like this. I have to agree
But dug the content otherwise fellaz.
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