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Old 10-07-2017, 01:37 AM   #1
Vlad
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Default Fractured Figments - Vlad + Nemean

Fractured Figments

A dog barks into an empty field
as i walk past, ears I attempt to shield
heavy steps as I muddled through
until distracted by a puddles view
a glare keeps me from the courses I differ
I stare deep through porcelain shimmers...

Fractured figments; a mind wrapped in instants,
Memories stacked yet distant,
A blotched canvas trapped in pigments;
Cracked yet brilliant.
A broken reflection stuck in a two way mirror,
Part darkness, apart, heartless,
A hearts carcass,
Reaching for a start, chartless.
Singular sentiments seem simple, soothing,
Yet a blind mind provides such single movements,
Indulging in war is not a symbol blooming,
When the fight against oneself is like a cymbal booming.

Gathered in the corner of a room like dust and debris from the breeze
Nothing, yet as real as the dimples and dots you see when you sneeze
The tormented tension, the infectious inch of doubt that divides a hope
Time, twisting and turning I’m the grey scale inside the kaleidoscope
Force feed my soul with the anxious thoughts like furrowed seeds
Fracturing through saturated soil just to get stifled by thorough needs
such a callous carcass, a vehicle, void, empty of any rhyme or reason
coasting cautiously completely unaware of change in any time or season
whilst winters frigidity looms I’m oblivious, anaesthetized numb to touch
which wallowing justification will I use, what excuse will I run to clutch?

Stunned; a bitter chill travels down my spine,
Blinking, vision returning, unraveling my mind,
A minute trapped in motion,
Within that captured notion,
A hint; encapsulating focus, providing a seasoned grip,
The realization; It's my life, and now I see what I can fix


.....
....
...
..

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Old 10-09-2017, 02:09 PM   #2
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ears I attempt to shield
only Yoda speaks like this

until distracted by a puddles view
why not: until I was distracted by a puddle's view?

a glare keeps me from the courses I differ
should there be a comma after courses? cuz I don't know how you'd differ a course.


I think you lost me in your intro -- this wasn't a bad piece, but you're trying too hard to sound like a writer. It doesn't need to be contrived, it needs to be authentic. Very little of this resembles authentic human emotion for me. Sorry.
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Old 10-09-2017, 05:50 PM   #3
Eŋg
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a cymbal wouldn't boom, it'd crash.

4/10

tbh only read the first verse then scanned the second so take my rating as arbitrary but fully authentic.
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Old 10-10-2017, 08:53 AM   #4
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Fucking gone @only yoda speaks like this. I have to agree

But dug the content otherwise fellaz.
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