I Walk This Path

[Vlad]

I walk this path - alone & cold, if I'd only known...

Clouded memories; a barren waste,
Air & space is such an errant place,
Ne'er we wait for despair & fate,
Tearing grace from a caring state.

So, sorry that I've been so distant, I,
Trapped my mind in a vacant room, and,
Armed myself with a lack of vision, I,
Neglected the fact that the time had changed, and,
Deep inside I've been broken beyond belief. FUCK!

Turbulent tragedy; Forever fractured,
Hurting so bad, you see; Forever backwards.
I never captured the time that we had, you see,
So many feelings I'm losing control..........

Anytime the wind blows it's a whispering haunt,
Not just a blistering taunt, but a twisted coffin,
Your twists and toxins grip and rip my caution.
Morbid masterpieces, mostly madness multiplies,
Or, just, spare me the ghostly sadness of the cries.
Revenge is unnecessary, trust, it's been on my mind,
Except, I'd be just as miserable, so why even try?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, I painted a picture, please let me describe it,
It's a face, furrowed brow and heavy set eyelids.
Narrowed, gaunt cheeks, pale lips and a frown -


A single dry tear, yet this is where ships come to drown.
Never have I been witness to a voyage so vicious,
Dreaming of the day that the buoyancy glistens -

Stuck in a nightmare where my joy and glees lifted.
Often thoughts wander, please let them come back,
Remind me what rails I put down on the track,
Remind me of what I built, and lost on the path,
Or, just, let me fade into the fog of the clouds,
Where I wish I could end up, or possibly now. BUT!

Bravery is facing fears head on,
You have friends and family who care -

Very few people can understand,
Lest you open up and share,
And please make sure your safety
Does not become impaired.

This is for those of you, or us, who do, or have, felt lost, forgotten, cast out or abandoned. You are not alone. You are never truly alone and you are loved and cherished. It might not seem it at times, but there is always hope. Reach out to someone if you are in need. Reach out to someone in need. Most importantly, believe. Believe in hope, believe in yourself. There will be a a day where your struggles are a distant memory and you will be thankful that you held on. Believe.

[sral]

I liked the idea, and you did it perhaps more justice than some I've seen. You flipped the scheme back and forth that worked well in some areas, but the none-rhyming ending lines really did little for me if I'm completely honest.

So, sorry that I've been so distant, I,
Trapped my mind in a vacant room, and,
Armed myself with a lack of vision, I,
Neglected the fact that the time had changed, and,
Deep inside I've been broken beyond belief. FUCK!

Putting this non-rhyming section second, and so early in the piece, maybe hurt it a little IMO - especially as it follows directly after such a rhyming mosaic opener with the same multi-string. Maybe you were trying to show some versatility, in the fact you could rhyme heavily and then go off on a poetic tangent, but for me personally it didn't mesh together so well.

The trouble with rhyming so intricately while adhering to such a rigid rhyme scheme is that you can get too caught up in it all, like you did here:

Turbulent tragedy; Forever fractured,
Hurting so bad, you see; Forever backwards.

"Hurting so bad, you see" feels so clunky and out of place, just tossed in to keep up the rhyme scheme. Sure, it could be remedied pretty easily with a better word/rhyme choice but small things like this become magnified when you draw attention to the rhymes themselves by putting the verse together in this way. It may only be a minor thing, but it becomes a lot more noticeable when you draw the readers attention to it. I would never rhyme forever with forever, either, but maybe thats just me. I don't hold that against you.

That said, when you're on point, you're on point. This section came together real nicely to me, I enjoyed it a lot:

So, I painted a picture, please let me describe it,
It's a face, furrowed brow and heavy set eyelids.
Narrowed, gaunt cheeks, pale lips and a frown -
A single dry tear, yet this is where ships come to drown.

It flowed more naturally, came off pretty effortless even though there's clearly a lot of effort exerted in those first three lines in particular. This is what you should be looking to do throughout the entire thing. It reads nicer, it doesnt feel so caught up in the rhyme scheme and mechanics of it all. It allows you room to breath, and your wording is better for it. This is definitely more suited to your style.

Keep that pen moving!