WK4 : Soulstice(1-1) vs. Adonis(1-0) -- Soulstice Wins Flawless

timeless · 10-20-2014, 04:07 AM

AOWL Season IV, Week 3

OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Friday, October 24th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Sunday, October 26th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

TOPIC:

Good luck. @Soulstice @Adonis

Adonis · 10-24-2014, 01:00 AM

Once upon a time, when time didn't exist
There was a line crossed by inhabitants.
Way back when God's bread, but haven't sense.
There was mother Earth and father Timelessness.
When Earth was lush with kings rising up,
Each fearing beings above and there deadly fisticuffs.
But controlling humanity... just never enough.
So they all strived to spill out blood.
Power was measured in acres by the mass,
Be it volume of lands amassed,
Or followers waving branded flags.
The populace adored these spiteful brats, though...
Each Titan ruled with Fists of iron clad.
Irony – Lords who worship the mortal lass.
Each morsel hatched a seedling bore from doom,
Melting pot consumed, humans absorbed the fumes
Out came demigods of war waltzing atop planes.
These 'nearly' gods held no shame,
Even if these 'half breeds aren't the same', Still...
The love they had attained far surpassed disdain.
Cronus took control, craving kneeling souls.
Worship at his feet or meet a blazing, searing force.
Gaia warned her son of the hand his future holds,
And so the legend goes...

“You freed your siblings from their chains,
Destroyed your father so we could live.
A seed of yours too, shall overthrow your reign,
Son... Be warned of this.”

He began devouring his young at birth,
But no speed can outrun a curse. See,
One was saved from his bowels,
Zeus was raised safe and sound.
He grew strong...

and when his age was ripe he'd face his maker...

Become the song of our creator.
The rightful heir fights for our sake...
and the freedom we'd own later.

“Sisters! Brothers! Now arise!
Olympians, take flight!
Dethrone these Titans using bolts that shackle tight.”

Belly of the Beast...
Cronus spewing out,
Siblings freed from fathers keep beneath his mouth.

~Changing of the guard~

Title:Beauty and the Beast
Adonis

.

Soulstice · 10-24-2014, 09:10 PM

Soft Focus

What a legacy. Constrained to eternity. I was graceful. Subservient
Because there's no faith where there's certainty. Craven the author
who slaves at the altar where they favor the serpentine.
My faculties: strained. Wracking my brain - it's cradle of darkness
Can't seem to recall what became of this auteur

Gasping for memory..

Your language: A sexual kill leaking from the edge of a quill
You would spill a sentence to death if it was bereft of a will
to live. Exceptional skill and wit. Your prose and sense exhibited
In darkness only. A stroke against the inarticulate. Hold my heart,
control it. Honestly. "Follow me." Of course, my inspiring phoenix
Made more sense to breathe it in than trying to reach it

Discipleship suited me. At night you would beautifully croon to me.
A eulogy- underneath the moon. A crucifixion of signature style
Now, my writtens: contrived. Following your infinite sight were a million
diffident sprites. The numbers would grow. Following your wonderful flow
In your whispers and sighs. It so happened, now your barely spoke
And even more rarely wrote. We followed suit. To replicate
your hollowed truths. Indoctrinated longing youth, striving
to be more like you.

Putting pen to a pad, nothing's occurring. You'd subtly journey
Into my mind. Figured it was the crux of my journey.
Now was when I'd be scripting my best... What infinite jest
As I laid my pen on my empty shill of a chest. So much for Hemingway.
Or even Joyce. Hell, I'd be remembered anyway.
So when the sun went away, I snuck into your quarters
With a promise to put no further trust in your orders
I brought a bloody disorder - my best use of ink; a cresting catharsis
A blooming masterpiece in your wake; the death of an artist

PancakeBrah · 10-25-2014, 11:42 AM

Adonis-

I don't know about this. It was smooth, flow/rhythm wise. The rhymes were obviously pretty sparce and simplistic. I guess you decided to relate to the topic thematically, metaphorically or something. Whatever the connection is it's pretty tangential. Seems like you wanted to write something epic, topic be damned. So you did, and it was damned. Verse was fine for a standalone verse. Non-descript lore type thing. Which is something I don't particularly like. No great shakes here.

Soulstice-

Really had no idea what you were talking about. The writing was leagues better than your opponents, though. Sometimes you read a little too dense and rhyme focused for my tastes but the talent is evident. Some of the descriptors and turns of phrase were very good here. I especially enjoyed the first two lines and the eulogy lines. You're very good. Just sort of wish you'd give SOME time to give a few concrete explanations of your point as opposed to 100% description and feeling, if that makes sense. Whatever.

Both were sideways to the topic as far as I can tell. Soulstice outwrote his opponent easily.

v/soulstice

zygote · 10-25-2014, 11:01 PM

Congratulations to both contestants for writing well in response to quite a convoluted picture. Adonis, firstly a disclaimer expressing some bias against you here; your title is culturally insensitive "Beauty and the Beast" - this gets a big personal minus in terms of title. Since the beauty is the naked body on the left, your title implies that the beast is the Niqab clad women. I dislike the title but since it is only a title, I will try not to let it bias me too much. As for the writing itself, "Once upon a time" signals a fable genre. You didn't fully commit to such an approach in terms of style, so perhaps a different opening line would have been better. Enjoyed your rhyming. It was off-kilter and something different (the beginning rhymes especially). One final criticism, the story isn't too adventurous. While the language is good at creating an atmosphere of adventure, the story itself merely ambles along. Perhaps a clearer story with more of an ambitious plot progression would have been stronger.

Soulstice, firstly the overall message or point to your submission was unclear. While every single individual sentence was coherent, the way they all connected together was confusing to me. However, you rhymed words closer together than your opponent. There were not many other words in between the various rhyme schemes and rhyme patterns. It gave your submission a strong rhythmic quality. Also, your vocabulary was impressive. Very diverse and apt choice of language. Those were the two main differences between the submissions that informed my rationale here. Voting for Soulstice.

Three-Planes-Aligned · 10-26-2014, 03:35 PM

adonis - pretty uninspired flow brah, it was a staccato reading experience that had an unfortunate side-effect of making this seem LONGER than it actually was... the poetic airiness works better in other instances than developing plot imo. Imagery was well-wrought and fastened the narrative as such in it's mythological setting. Overall I'm stuck feeling that this needed to be spun more creatively.

soulstice - your off line count throws me yet again; it makes it read as if there's overdubs sometimes. Not saying it's arythmic, at least not always, it's just, to me, off-putting. Developing this sort of somber tone in a written you can do in your sleep and you handled the imagery with the delicate touch you always apply in such instances.

Hm, hard one... I was tilting towards giving it to adonis based on coherence alone, but I think Soulstice. did a little more visually and creatively so my vote goes to him (her?).

Mr. J · 10-26-2014, 04:05 PM

Adonis, normally I'm impressed with your pieces as far as writing goes
you seemed to throw this together either real quick or carried on uninspired
true the topics as of late share obviously easier draws of inspiration
and you seemed relaxed, too relaxed for your oppenent
the flow of the topic was smoooth but felt unrelated to the topic

Soul, another impressive piece and quite short I might add
the verse seemed to be a little unrevealing at first due to your verbiafe
but you continued on holding a firm grasp on what you were all about
I enjoyed the idea and as it unraveled it was very impressive

V/soulstice, both styles clashed in the best way they could.
but at the end of the day one has to overcome the other
soulstice's complex verse holds its ground

NYCSPITZ · 10-26-2014, 05:51 PM

Liked Adonis and was a cool coherent little story but thought it was shaky at critical moments. Love Greek folklore and all that so enjoyed it a lot. No idea what solstice was going for but was well written. I think the delivery soul brought edges it for him here whereas if Adonis added a twist I probably would've leaned to his verse as champion

V soulstice

asylum · 10-26-2014, 09:10 PM

#1- those are some grade A tatas.
adonis - bro i was feeling this. really, i was. then it ended. and i was sad. what the fuck dude?
you should've requested an extension. i really would've liked an elaborated version. anyway, what you have...... hmm..
Each morsel hatched a seedling bore from doom,
Melting pot consumed, humans absorbed the fumes
Out came demigods of war waltzing atop planes.
These 'nearly' gods held no shame,
where did they come out from? i think some setting development could have helped at this point. perhaps a portal or... at least where they came out to.. would've helped. also, you really spaced it out at the end man. i'm not a huge fan of line breaks lately, and.. well. they didn't help much. honestly your line count is almost max but your content's brevity didn't tickle my tastebuds, this particular week.

soulstice - i dont know why this affected me the way it did..
control it. Honestly. "Follow me." Of course, my inspiring phoenix
but that line gave me a psychological hard on, honestly. idk why. just.. great writing. i'm liking you more, the more i read you. this.. wasnst the greatest tho..
Putting pen to a pad, nothing's occurring. You'd subtly journey
Into my mind. Figured it was the crux of my journey.
? subtly? what the fuck is a subtly? i dont know what that is. can someone help me out?
anyway. at least some alliteration if you're going to use the same ending word. seriously. ....
no hate, all love. just saying. great piece to have weird shit up in it like that. god i love how this read..
As I laid my pen on my empty shill of a chest. So much for Hemingway.
Or even Joyce. Hell, I'd be remembered anyway.
... syllable drop and honest rhymes. very nice. i really like this for some reason.
/v soulstice. being left wanting.. sometimes, is good. Adonis, if you would have developed your idea a little more.. i think you could've easily taken it. i just didnt take enough to give u the win, even though i like what you have more on a volume/content ratio... i think your opponent bested you with a well developed piece this week. respect to both. thanks for the reads.

10-24-2014, 01:00 AM	#2
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946446	Once upon a time, when time didn't exist There was a line crossed by inhabitants. Way back when God's bread, but haven't sense. There was mother Earth and father Timelessness. When Earth was lush with kings rising up, Each fearing beings above and there deadly fisticuffs. But controlling humanity... just never enough. So they all strived to spill out blood. Power was measured in acres by the mass, Be it volume of lands amassed, Or followers waving branded flags. The populace adored these spiteful brats, though... Each Titan ruled with Fists of iron clad. Irony – Lords who worship the mortal lass. Each morsel hatched a seedling bore from doom, Melting pot consumed, humans absorbed the fumes Out came demigods of war waltzing atop planes. These 'nearly' gods held no shame, Even if these 'half breeds aren't the same', Still... The love they had attained far surpassed disdain. Cronus took control, craving kneeling souls. Worship at his feet or meet a blazing, searing force. Gaia warned her son of the hand his future holds, And so the legend goes... “You freed your siblings from their chains, Destroyed your father so we could live. A seed of yours too, shall overthrow your reign, Son... Be warned of this.” He began devouring his young at birth, But no speed can outrun a curse. See, One was saved from his bowels, Zeus was raised safe and sound. He grew strong... and when his age was ripe he'd face his maker... Become the song of our creator. The rightful heir fights for our sake... and the freedom we'd own later. “Sisters! Brothers! Now arise! Olympians, take flight! Dethrone these Titans using bolts that shackle tight.” Belly of the Beast... Cronus spewing out, Siblings freed from fathers keep beneath his mouth. ~Changing of the guard~ Title:Beauty and the Beast Adonis . Last edited by Adonis; 10-25-2014 at 09:13 AM.

10-25-2014, 11:42 AM	#4
PancakeBrah SOBER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 13,052 Battle Record: 2-5 Champed - AOWL Season 2 Rep Power: 85899406	Adonis- I don't know about this. It was smooth, flow/rhythm wise. The rhymes were obviously pretty sparce and simplistic. I guess you decided to relate to the topic thematically, metaphorically or something. Whatever the connection is it's pretty tangential. Seems like you wanted to write something epic, topic be damned. So you did, and it was damned. Verse was fine for a standalone verse. Non-descript lore type thing. Which is something I don't particularly like. No great shakes here. Soulstice- Really had no idea what you were talking about. The writing was leagues better than your opponents, though. Sometimes you read a little too dense and rhyme focused for my tastes but the talent is evident. Some of the descriptors and turns of phrase were very good here. I especially enjoyed the first two lines and the eulogy lines. You're very good. Just sort of wish you'd give SOME time to give a few concrete explanations of your point as opposed to 100% description and feeling, if that makes sense. Whatever. Both were sideways to the topic as far as I can tell. Soulstice outwrote his opponent easily. v/soulstice __________________ If I ventured in the slipstream Between the viaducts of your dreams Where immobil steel rims crack And the ditch in the back road stop Could you find me?

10-26-2014, 04:05 PM	#7
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,025 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349678	Adonis, normally I'm impressed with your pieces as far as writing goes you seemed to throw this together either real quick or carried on uninspired true the topics as of late share obviously easier draws of inspiration and you seemed relaxed, too relaxed for your oppenent the flow of the topic was smoooth but felt unrelated to the topic Soul, another impressive piece and quite short I might add the verse seemed to be a little unrevealing at first due to your verbiafe but you continued on holding a firm grasp on what you were all about I enjoyed the idea and as it unraveled it was very impressive V/soulstice, both styles clashed in the best way they could. but at the end of the day one has to overcome the other soulstice's complex verse holds its ground __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

10-26-2014, 05:51 PM	#8
NYCSPITZ SYRACUSE Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,033 Battle Record: 31-37 Champed - Write Night II - Alias Topical Tournament Rep Power: 4743544	Liked Adonis and was a cool coherent little story but thought it was shaky at critical moments. Love Greek folklore and all that so enjoyed it a lot. No idea what solstice was going for but was well written. I think the delivery soul brought edges it for him here whereas if Adonis added a twist I probably would've leaned to his verse as champion V soulstice __________________ UNIFIED THEORY

10-20-2014, 04:07 AM	#1
timeless past tense Join Date: Nov 2013 Location: NJ Posts: 1,627 Battle Record: 22-39 Rep Power: 4341325	WK4 : Soulstice(1-1) vs. Adonis(1-0) -- Soulstice Wins Flawless AOWL Season IV, Week 3 OFFICIAL RULES: Verses are due Friday, October 24th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions. Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words). Votes are due Sunday, October 26th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week. TOPIC: Good luck. @Soulstice @Adonis Last edited by Adonis; 10-26-2014 at 10:20 PM.

10-24-2014, 09:10 PM	#3
Soulstice native system Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 387 Battle Record: 18-21 Champed - Short-Verse Topical Rep Power: 4453407	Soft Focus What a legacy. Constrained to eternity. I was graceful. Subservient Because there's no faith where there's certainty. Craven the author who slaves at the altar where they favor the serpentine. My faculties: strained. Wracking my brain - it's cradle of darkness Can't seem to recall what became of this auteur Gasping for memory.. Your language: A sexual kill leaking from the edge of a quill You would spill a sentence to death if it was bereft of a will to live. Exceptional skill and wit. Your prose and sense exhibited In darkness only. A stroke against the inarticulate. Hold my heart, control it. Honestly. "Follow me." Of course, my inspiring phoenix Made more sense to breathe it in than trying to reach it Discipleship suited me. At night you would beautifully croon to me. A eulogy- underneath the moon. A crucifixion of signature style Now, my writtens: contrived. Following your infinite sight were a million diffident sprites. The numbers would grow. Following your wonderful flow In your whispers and sighs. It so happened, now your barely spoke And even more rarely wrote. We followed suit. To replicate your hollowed truths. Indoctrinated longing youth, striving to be more like you. Putting pen to a pad, nothing's occurring. You'd subtly journey Into my mind. Figured it was the crux of my journey. Now was when I'd be scripting my best... What infinite jest As I laid my pen on my empty shill of a chest. So much for Hemingway. Or even Joyce. Hell, I'd be remembered anyway. So when the sun went away, I snuck into your quarters With a promise to put no further trust in your orders I brought a bloody disorder - my best use of ink; a cresting catharsis A blooming masterpiece in your wake; the death of an artist

10-25-2014, 11:01 PM	#5
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 502 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737825	Congratulations to both contestants for writing well in response to quite a convoluted picture. Adonis, firstly a disclaimer expressing some bias against you here; your title is culturally insensitive "Beauty and the Beast" - this gets a big personal minus in terms of title. Since the beauty is the naked body on the left, your title implies that the beast is the Niqab clad women. I dislike the title but since it is only a title, I will try not to let it bias me too much. As for the writing itself, "Once upon a time" signals a fable genre. You didn't fully commit to such an approach in terms of style, so perhaps a different opening line would have been better. Enjoyed your rhyming. It was off-kilter and something different (the beginning rhymes especially). One final criticism, the story isn't too adventurous. While the language is good at creating an atmosphere of adventure, the story itself merely ambles along. Perhaps a clearer story with more of an ambitious plot progression would have been stronger. Soulstice, firstly the overall message or point to your submission was unclear. While every single individual sentence was coherent, the way they all connected together was confusing to me. However, you rhymed words closer together than your opponent. There were not many other words in between the various rhyme schemes and rhyme patterns. It gave your submission a strong rhythmic quality. Also, your vocabulary was impressive. Very diverse and apt choice of language. Those were the two main differences between the submissions that informed my rationale here. Voting for Soulstice.

10-26-2014, 03:35 PM	#6
Three-Planes-Aligned Hyphenated Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: The Black Lodge Posts: 79 Battle Record: 7-8 Rep Power: 549509	adonis - pretty uninspired flow brah, it was a staccato reading experience that had an unfortunate side-effect of making this seem LONGER than it actually was... the poetic airiness works better in other instances than developing plot imo. Imagery was well-wrought and fastened the narrative as such in it's mythological setting. Overall I'm stuck feeling that this needed to be spun more creatively. soulstice - your off line count throws me yet again; it makes it read as if there's overdubs sometimes. Not saying it's arythmic, at least not always, it's just, to me, off-putting. Developing this sort of somber tone in a written you can do in your sleep and you handled the imagery with the delicate touch you always apply in such instances. Hm, hard one... I was tilting towards giving it to adonis based on coherence alone, but I think Soulstice. did a little more visually and creatively so my vote goes to him (her?).

10-26-2014, 09:10 PM	#9
asylum Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 993 Battle Record: 7-5 Rep Power: 8214208	#1- those are some grade A tatas. adonis - bro i was feeling this. really, i was. then it ended. and i was sad. what the fuck dude? you should've requested an extension. i really would've liked an elaborated version. anyway, what you have...... hmm.. Each morsel hatched a seedling bore from doom, Melting pot consumed, humans absorbed the fumes Out came demigods of war waltzing atop planes. These 'nearly' gods held no shame, where did they come out from? i think some setting development could have helped at this point. perhaps a portal or... at least where they came out to.. would've helped. also, you really spaced it out at the end man. i'm not a huge fan of line breaks lately, and.. well. they didn't help much. honestly your line count is almost max but your content's brevity didn't tickle my tastebuds, this particular week. soulstice - i dont know why this affected me the way it did.. control it. Honestly. "Follow me." Of course, my inspiring phoenix but that line gave me a psychological hard on, honestly. idk why. just.. great writing. i'm liking you more, the more i read you. this.. wasnst the greatest tho.. Putting pen to a pad, nothing's occurring. You'd subtly journey Into my mind. Figured it was the crux of my journey. ? subtly? what the fuck is a subtly? i dont know what that is. can someone help me out? anyway. at least some alliteration if you're going to use the same ending word. seriously. .... no hate, all love. just saying. great piece to have weird shit up in it like that. god i love how this read.. As I laid my pen on my empty shill of a chest. So much for Hemingway. Or even Joyce. Hell, I'd be remembered anyway. ... syllable drop and honest rhymes. very nice. i really like this for some reason. /v soulstice. being left wanting.. sometimes, is good. Adonis, if you would have developed your idea a little more.. i think you could've easily taken it. i just didnt take enough to give u the win, even though i like what you have more on a volume/content ratio... i think your opponent bested you with a well developed piece this week. respect to both. thanks for the reads.