"Cross At Your Suspense (Purgatory)"

e11even · 09-28-2013, 11:27 PM

[AOWL-Season 2, Week 1]

http://i.imgur.com/jckQIN1.jpg

Ascension… any such with plenty rough edges that splinter up endings?
The floating demons, trussed, seen sinking up…when brimstone’s THIS ceiling.
Baron, this mistress called Life…not so mysterious the mischief caused.
Misfits ‘volved missed this call- yet this was all right.
They linger as the ends gift calls knights.
Accept- for this is the shift split all nights.
Eternal as a lasting vacuum that sips, strips broad heights...
til in its end sense, spends us all, sprites.
Tatters in trail... matters of afters in rafters farewelled.
Calls of captor forbode, but entailed...as the wilderness grows arms, these raptors tore hell...
...not a trip easily traversed.
For what you see is a glympse in a sea of whats worse.
to seed in this disease of visual unease is of feat, and a curse.
Whereas you'd embody a void that not only destroys, but believes in its worth.
So follow to lead... where shadows in this hollow of trees swallow the leaves...
arched crankiness the shapes in this dank... to be drank in and weazed.
Thickness the stench, with uncomfortable viscosity achieved...
fallings and flyings... living the dyings, oh the velocity of these.
sights even seen by blind through blinds of bound flesh... that predicament a tease.
steps taken, shaken... buckling...waning,the pleasure in knees.
How would one be decided on exit??? neither a treasure, neither a nexus.
Neither a medal to be attached to a necklace... yet both worn and vet us.
The warned, collected... combat for a position awaits...
as the formerly formidable adrift, grip the underside of unaware slates.
Charron's song lingers in the suffocated air through all tiers in this place...
A smooth facade this fog that cloaks the perils resident to this infinite space.
Some call it, "where you go when you have no place to..."
Reaching through the very gaps in indefinite time, they look to take you.
Claws of pain and anguish felt through ebon fingerless grasps break through.
This obstacle stalling a bliss or misery, further sin or ministry... your undone story...
And so the war begins for your soul, along this fraying bridge of purgatory...

Split · 09-30-2013, 06:34 AM

the flow was pretty cool. you broke up words in a way so that they rhymed nicely, which is tough to do.

didnt like bits and pieces.
"for what you see is a glimpse in a sea of whats worse" is overcomplicated.

"grip the underside of unaware slates" idk what that means

"How would one be decided on exit??? neither a treasure, neither a nexus.
Neither a medal to be attached to a necklace... yet both worn and vet us." nonsense?

but the intro had some wicked cool phrases and ideas, and like i said the rhyming shows skill. Looking forward to your writing developing into a more natural, relaxed form

e11even · 11-10-2013, 02:17 AM

bump. my first classic.

CopyPat · 11-11-2013, 06:47 PM

agree with split. this showed more potensh than anything.. there are glimpses.. seems very raw, a tad scattered, ide say u kept on point content wise with the picture but the flow was a bit bumpy which ended up taking away from the overall smoothness of the whole piece. peep deadman shit for a lesson in polish. and i aint talkin Sobotka Polish. talkin straight varnish in dis bish

09-28-2013, 11:27 PM	#1
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247256	"Cross At Your Suspense (Purgatory)" [AOWL-Season 2, Week 1] http://i.imgur.com/jckQIN1.jpg Ascension… any such with plenty rough edges that splinter up endings? The floating demons, trussed, seen sinking up…when brimstone’s THIS ceiling. Baron, this mistress called Life…not so mysterious the mischief caused. Misfits ‘volved missed this call- yet this was all right. They linger as the ends gift calls knights. Accept- for this is the shift split all nights. Eternal as a lasting vacuum that sips, strips broad heights... til in its end sense, spends us all, sprites. Tatters in trail... matters of afters in rafters farewelled. Calls of captor forbode, but entailed...as the wilderness grows arms, these raptors tore hell... ...not a trip easily traversed. For what you see is a glympse in a sea of whats worse. to seed in this disease of visual unease is of feat, and a curse. Whereas you'd embody a void that not only destroys, but believes in its worth. So follow to lead... where shadows in this hollow of trees swallow the leaves... arched crankiness the shapes in this dank... to be drank in and weazed. Thickness the stench, with uncomfortable viscosity achieved... fallings and flyings... living the dyings, oh the velocity of these. sights even seen by blind through blinds of bound flesh... that predicament a tease. steps taken, shaken... buckling...waning,the pleasure in knees. How would one be decided on exit??? neither a treasure, neither a nexus. Neither a medal to be attached to a necklace... yet both worn and vet us. The warned, collected... combat for a position awaits... as the formerly formidable adrift, grip the underside of unaware slates. Charron's song lingers in the suffocated air through all tiers in this place... A smooth facade this fog that cloaks the perils resident to this infinite space. Some call it, "where you go when you have no place to..." Reaching through the very gaps in indefinite time, they look to take you. Claws of pain and anguish felt through ebon fingerless grasps break through. This obstacle stalling a bliss or misery, further sin or ministry... your undone story... And so the war begins for your soul, along this fraying bridge of purgatory... __________________ Ahem. Last edited by e11even; 11-10-2013 at 02:24 AM. Reason: added picture, AOWL description

09-30-2013, 06:34 AM	#2
Split . Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 8,904 Battle Record: 27-22 Rep Power: 85899395	the flow was pretty cool. you broke up words in a way so that they rhymed nicely, which is tough to do. didnt like bits and pieces. "for what you see is a glimpse in a sea of whats worse" is overcomplicated. "grip the underside of unaware slates" idk what that means "How would one be decided on exit??? neither a treasure, neither a nexus. Neither a medal to be attached to a necklace... yet both worn and vet us." nonsense? but the intro had some wicked cool phrases and ideas, and like i said the rhyming shows skill. Looking forward to your writing developing into a more natural, relaxed form __________________ http://split8.yolasite.com

11-10-2013, 02:17 AM	#3
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247256	bump. my first classic. __________________ Ahem.

11-11-2013, 06:47 PM	#4
CopyPat Mic Check Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Calgary Alberta Canada Posts: 707 Battle Record: 13-10 Rep Power: 3742221	agree with split. this showed more potensh than anything.. there are glimpses.. seems very raw, a tad scattered, ide say u kept on point content wise with the picture but the flow was a bit bumpy which ended up taking away from the overall smoothness of the whole piece. peep deadman shit for a lesson in polish. and i aint talkin Sobotka Polish. talkin straight varnish in dis bish __________________ My syllable count approximately a billion, bounce. You cannot compete.