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Old 11-09-2020, 04:33 PM   #1
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Default Black August II Finals: sral vs Adverse LARS WINS

@sraL vs @Adverse


verses due: Friday 13th

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Old 11-09-2020, 05:26 PM   #2
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I’ve wrote to this topic before. In the interests of fairness, I will request it’s changed.
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Old 11-09-2020, 05:30 PM   #3
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fixed
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Old 11-09-2020, 06:36 PM   #4
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Ready to make this happen. 32 lines?
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Old 11-12-2020, 11:25 PM   #5
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I bob and ebb in the ink of these stories that I bled to reality
Being drowned by every word and stanza I’ve let fester out of me
My face squeezes out of the black ocean, gaze turned to a red sky
Peering past the decaying clouds, straight into God’s dead eyes
I awoke in a sweat and a panic, peel my face from the desk in my annex
What does the imagery all mean?! I copy it to paper from my head ‘fore it vanished
I stare at the threads I’ve connected, find a place for the painting
Trying to piece together a whole though it’s straight complicating
Through the shadowy corridors I pace, until my legs are defeated
When that don’t work I get down and pray, I try and beg for a meanin’
I’ve shunned my wife and my kid, they probably can’t tell I’m sorry
I spend my waking moments glued to the screen, in a lime-tinted melancholy
Won a thousand topical titles! But then why can’t I let it be?
I’m the best there will ever be! Spent the last decade cementin my legacy
The king of the textcees, no one’s more deservin’ of that!
If you could hang all my internet plaques in this chat room, the servers would crash
You really think this all ain’t worth it? That they’d try and ditch my story?
Not likely my verses will forever be in the Scriptures - at least Richard Corey’s
But still I as a chief wordsmith, am unable to decipher these dreams
Full of this mindlessness, death, stress, lightning and screams
Day after day I waste away, you see the shape that I’m in?
I tap tap the keys with calloused fingers, I wear my age on my skin
Suffocate in these man poems, until I’m purple in the face
The words whirlwind “what’s my purpose? Is this worthless? Is this FAKE!?”
I’ve poured my heart and soul into this, now’s not the time to lose faith
I’ve missed birthdays, I’ve missed funerals just to get bars in by the due date


Another night another nightmare, hastily I escape from sleep
I quickly sketch the vision I’d seen, post it up on the wall n then place the strings
It all finally makes sense, this scene that has just came to me
I’m staring at the painting tentatively- a grandfather clock whose pendulum’s digging a grave for me
I blink and it’s gone! I’m bedridden at 83
This started out as a hobby just killin time, till time turned her blade on me
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Old 11-13-2020, 03:17 PM   #6
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”Time of Death”


Few things are certain in life, as a matter of interest,
you work ‘til you die and are taxed for the privilege.
Our family business leaned on this premise too —
as black and as grim as our cheap polyester suits.
My job as Head of Funeral Direction required a want to embrace
positive change so business turned over, just not in their graves.
The modernisation of burials is often revised
to ensure our pockets as lined as the coffins supplied.
This clock had survived my Grandfather, and his before him,
so the concept of time waiting for no one rang with importance.
Its hands were enormous, with a face set in tenebrous black,
expression as blank as pallbearing professionals have.
The ready example epitomised all gravediggers should be
I hadn’t just tinkered beneath it, so much as built a MACHINE!
By increasing the speed of its gear chain to automate the procedure
its spade could dig deeper than any man, without taking a breather.
The cost of labour was cheaper and graves appeared in abundance
with its centralised bevelled eye overseeing production.
But without the people to put inside the plot thickens as well
every ditch that it delved meant a bigger hole I’d dig for myself.
The funny thing having dealt with death is the changes it inhibits
and some say that it elicits strange behaviours in the living.
I aimed to save the business from ever-dwindling debts
but never came to make a killing in the literal sense.
Now several victims are buried after being choked to their deaths
only instead of the dearly departed, it’s me in over my head.
With no body left to turn to, no place to vanish and hide
in the back of my mind I know it’s all just a matter of time.
So I glance up at my invention as it’s pendulum falls
better of course to be buried alive by it than the stress of it all.
I set it to automatic and watch as its cold, black hand twitches
my last gasps ticking away slowly before the taxman visits!

Last edited by sraL; 11-23-2020 at 12:41 PM.
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Old 11-16-2020, 10:39 AM   #7
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Vote - Adverse.





Kidding, Larscotic ;). Let's get into it.

Adverse:

First off, kudos to you for even accepting this battle. You had the Champed status in your back pocket but decided to do the honorable thing and wage war. I have tons of respect for you, my friend. But you know that... Anyway, I know you weren't feeling up to writing but the fact that you flipped that into your concept was clever imo. A mark of a good writer is doing exactly that. ie. When you have nothing to write about, write about nothing. I definitely could relate to your struggle here, and I loved the picture you painted of sacrificing your real life for your art... and then questioning whether it was all worth it. Great stuff. Related to the topic well in a metaphorical sense - the clock, time... being buried within its heavy expectations, and maybe even more so, your OWN.

One thing I didn't really like though was the fact that you made it TOO personal. Like about your own specific work and accomplishments. I think if you would've kept it more general, in terms of say, a struggling writer buried under massive doubt and time constraints, this would've worked better as an overall story concept. But I get what you were going for here.

Ending was cool, turning the time element literal and waking as an old man to the dreams (or were they nightmares?) and the ghosts of your writing past. Although it did seem kind of slapped together at the last moment because the long-winded flow, etc...

This is such a gutsy direction to take this topic and I commend you for going out on a limb and saying, "fuck it, if the limb breaks it breaks..."

Highlights:

"I stare at the threads I’ve connected, find a place for the painting
Trying to piece together a whole though it’s straight complicating
Through the shadowy corridors I pace, until my legs are defeated
When that don’t work I get down and pray, I try and beg for a meanin’"


- Cool description of the search for an idea...

"But still I as a chief wordsmith, am unable to decipher these dreams
Full of this mindlessness, death, stress, lightning and screams
Day after day I waste away, you see the shape that I’m in?
I tap tap the keys with calloused fingers, I wear my age on my skin
Suffocate in these man poems
..."

- calloused fingers was nice. And lol love the man poems.

Overall, a good showing here Adverse. Hopefully you find that flame again and join this league.


sraL:

Great verse. Flow, spot-on. Multi's were amazing... but what really stood out to me is the wordplay and clever flips. You took this topic, dissected it, created a decent story and even added in the aforementioned "punchline" type lines to really create a beautiful thing to read. I loved this, Lars. See what happens when you avoid goose metaphors? Haha. Honestly, the darker you go, the better you are... Stick to real shit like this and you are a tough out for anyone.

I really respect your passion for writing - it mirrors my own. We make this look easy but you and I both know, it isn't. It takes a lot of effort to do what you did here, and making it seem simple is the mark of an excellent writer.

Highlights:

"My job as Head of Funeral Direction required a want to embrace
positive change so business turned over, just not in their graves.
The modernisation of burials is often revised
to ensure our pockets as lined as the coffins supplied
"

- Your smooth wording really makes the multi's stand out.

"By increasing the speed of its gear chain to automate the procedure
its spade could dig deeper than any man, without taking a breather.
The cost of labour was cheaper and graves appeared in abundance
with its centralised bevelled eye overseeing production
."

- Like, fuck. A thing of beauty.

"I aimed to save the business from ever-dwindling debts
but never came to make a killing in the*literal*sense.
Now several victims are buried after being choked to their deaths
only instead of the dearly departed, it’s*me*in over my head
"

- This is insane in so many ways.

I honestly could've quoted way more but I think everyone gets the point. Lars made a statement here. You have my full attention now, champ...

Great battle by two of the best. I hope this gets more votes and the attention it deserves. Maybe this can be the catalyst...

Vote - sraL
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Old 11-16-2020, 01:32 PM   #8
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Adverse - The angle you took here was compelling and probably relatively familiar for most writers\textcees.
Loved the opening bar, that set the tone perfect. The way you illustrate your reflections upon this
craft\hobby is very eloquent while not being too overbearing about it.
I don't mind it being personal if that's the case. The technical aspect here is solid and as well.


Highlights:

I bob and ebb in the ink of these stories that I bled to reality
Being drowned by every word and stanza I’ve let fester out of me

^^ As said, dope opening.


I’ve shunned my wife and my kid, they probably can’t tell I’m sorry
I spend my waking moments glued to the screen, in a lime-tinted melancholy

^^ Delightfully depressive.


The king of the textcees, no one’s more deservin’ of that!
If you could hang all my internet plaques in this chat room, the servers would crash

^^ Nice


I’ve poured my heart and soul into this, now’s not the time to lose faith
I’ve missed birthdays, I’ve missed funerals just to get bars in by the due date

^^ We all gotta prioritize right.

The ending was strong also.






sraL - as a fan of dark comedy this definately served as an entertaing read for me.
Props for coming up with this wonderfully bizarre approach, and delivering accordingly.
Like Adverse the technical aspects at an advanced level, I wont nitpick anything here.
Upon reading again it feels like you put intention into every damn line here, so yeah
a formidable piece here as well.


Few things are certain in life, as a matter of interest,
you work ‘til you die and are taxed for the privilege.
Our family business leaned on this premise too —
as black and as grim as our cheap polyester suits.


^^ Off to an appealing start here.



The ready example epitomised all gravediggers should be
I hadn’t just tinkered beneath it, so much as built a MACHINE!
By increasing the speed of its gear chain to automate the procedure
its spade could dig deeper than any man, without taking a breather.


^^ It's where I went from liking to digging (no pun) this story


I aimed to save the business from ever-dwindling debts
but never came to make a killing in the literal sense.
Now several victims are buried after being choked to their deaths
only instead of the dearly departed, it’s me in over my head.


^^ Subtle hints of creative madness here.




As I've not been around here much Im not familiar with your previous writings, this being a finale match I think both delivered the goods.
Deciding a vote isn't clear on first read, or second for that matter.
I suppose it just comes down to preference, as for me that grim satire drop from sraL was mine. As such I'll give him the vote and salute to both.
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