WEEK 5 MAG: HAIRLINE WOES & OTHER MANPOEM DRAMA

[Adverse]

AYO IT JUST OCCURED TO ME THAT THE FORUM STILL SAYS “MODDED BY INNO” WHEN I’VE BEEN MODDING THIS SHIT FOR WEEKS NOW. IMA NEED THAT TO CHANGE, GIMME MY CREDIT YOU GUYS THINK I DO THIS FOR THE CULTURE? LMAOOOOO FUCK OUTTA HERE

No but seriously if @Sharp wouldn’t mind changing that that would be awesome.

INTRO:
Yoyoyoyo what’s up dudes and dudettes (our female demographic is probably microscopic but we live in an age of gender equality and I’m not going to be the first mother fucker to get sued over an internet magazine.) I love all you nasty bitches err-um ladies. This was a pretty unceremonious week, Lars throwing a line out there to whoever will bite it to try to get a spark going. In a week that saw me retire and then come back in an interval that would make the Chris Humphries/Kim Kardashian marriage seem like it lasted eons. Universe has literally won the 50 meter at a jogging pace, leaving everyone in the dust as he claims the first championship of the season. Nobody else seems like they want it. Inno still hasn’t got his fucking Black and Milds and Phoebe Bridgers is the best thing to happen to music since Cavemen started the first punk rock band, but hey what else is new? Somewhere Bodey is teaching Fido to do a backflip and Johnny is playing Santa when they should be writing some damn man poems, for shame.

Due to having to come into work on a day I should have had off, I have ample time to write this mag today as long as I don’t let myself be distracted. My mind is my worst enemy, other than my hairline, which I just bought a new Philips Norellco to hack it off but of course it won’t charge smh. Oh I also need to write my NBL verse sometime soon-ish and also do….oh yeah, the mag!



JUST A NOTE
As fellow writers we should advocate for the mental health of our peers. A lot of people aren’t getting the help they actually need. I think a lot of us are in particularly dark places because of this ongoing pandemic and I know a lot of you men have adapted this “no one can save me but myself” outlook but that’s just not true. It takes an army of support and there are plenty of us going to war as a single person because we’ve been taught that men should suppress their feelings and stand on their own two. That is far from the truth and I encourage you if you’re going through some shit get the help you need. Or at least vent to somebody about it, if you guys ever need me my PM is open. One love

Shouts to Uni for being our first champ of the season


REVIEWZZ:


CHAMP MATCH: UNIVERSE 3-0 VS MMLP 2-1
Universe has been a titan among us this season. No other writer he’s faced has even felt like an obstacle, he’s smashed through opponents weekly like the Kool Aid man tearing through a piece of aged wallpaper. To be honest this week was his biggest challenge to date in which he faced veteran writer, MMLP. P was actually only invited to the champion match because the actual winner of the Contender mach, Concrete had to sign out. But man did MMLP give it everything he had. Both dropped pop culture influenced verses though MMLP had less of a mystique to his as it was more of a character analysis than it Universe’s piece. MMLP attributed the picture to The Simpson’s character, Lisa, telling a one-off story about the still birth of a child and the trauma that followed it. It was a lot different than his normal pieces because like previously stated, from the getgo we knew who this was about, there was no misdirection which in my opinion was an injustice to the work. Stand out bars like:

“Usually The Simpsons would come together in their humble abode
but when her sniffles begun, she suffered alone.
There was nothing but groening as she lay inside the bed,
curled up in a snowball too, just stayed behind and wept.
Now her way of life’s affected in such a humbling way
and would create a minor threat that she couldn’t escape.”

Universe took on a different take which included Christopher Nolan and the making of film ‘Inception’ which was a very cool piece with a lot of his staple descriptiveness and wit attached to it. Some of his brilliance shows in the very first verse

“I'm in daydreams of a giant, David with Goliath's head on a thin post
Desperate to know if the window to the soul can be entered when it's closed
But if lofty goals require ladders, Interstellar stars are the door
Power of suggestion becomes part of the norm when it's too hard to ignore
The Following Memento's an artform, uncanny valley's resemble you best
But I didn't expect to scale the face of a mountain in a literal sense”

All in all Universe’s piece was on a higher level, MMLP kind of went opposite of his usual big reveal in the ending. His piece was somber and thought provoking but just didn’t match Universe’s offering. And come on guys, no Magic School Bus references? Are you even trying? Lol
WINNER: UNIVERSE

CONTENDERS MATCH: MR J 2-1 VS PHARAOHS ARMY 2-1

This one was a pretty cool matchup. Pharaoh did a lot with a little here, upon first look his verse was sort of barebones but he definitely resonated with the reader and conjured up some fantastic imagery with pieces like

“I remember when you were warm.
Endless conversations on the phone.
Even though we were long distance, I promised a visit.
Then a couple years later, the paradigm had shifted.”

It was honest and a more emotional approach to the topic.

Mr J told a similar story about the unresponsive nature of a love interest. But his tag line which he used in a couple of spots “we pretended to live” was kind of the definitive sentence in this verse. He weaved together multis and told his story fluidly, while his verse didn’t have the emotional impact PA did he made it up in imagery and flow

“When we drift, in a calm forever & pretend to live..
I see the fantasy for what it really is, then we kiss.
Then we risk the future in the time that passed
We are memoryless, but I can't deny the facts
When reality hits I find myself fighting back.
And with each battle and every defining act”
MR J WINS

GRUDGE MATCH: DIABLO 0-0 VS YDK 0-0

After a similar grudge match fell through with Objective and Diablo, topical veteran YDK stepped in to write on short notice. Which shouldn’t be surprising as these two had just recently agreed to battle every week until the end of time (sorry guys, going to need your own league to do that)

But in all seriousness this battle was sort of one sided while I commend YDK for writing on very short notice he didn’t write a whole lot. But his verse was technically sound and did a whole lot with a little similar to Pharaohs verse. This whole section was nice

“The serotonin is lacking; a dopamine fix with a flame
For a moment you're laughing then all the shit is the same.
All you crave is a change but all you switch is the strain
Writing verse after verse then reversing your name.
It's the life of a writer you only need approval and paper,
But your self worth is torn to pieces
when your fans turn to haters”

But Lars, being awakened from his retirement casket by the banter of a couple of other writers, was not going to be denied. His flow and story telling was top notch as we literally followed the torn man in the picture on a journey to work which ends in him being fired. He’s falling to pieces both physically and metaphorically and it’s super interesting it’s hard to pinpoint down one area I really liked but one section was:

“I stood up to press the bell while the bus was in gear
but the brunt of its piercing screech would prove too much for my ears.
Instead I slunk from the rear seats and moved through the carriage
stupidly chancing losing my balance and doing more damage.
I knew if I had of fallen,
I would lie there for weeks.
If sight of a clean shirt proved difficult, I’d no chance finding my feet.”

YDK is a great writer I just Hope with more time to write this week he finds time to flesh out his work a bit more. As for this week he was dwarfed by Lars’ attempt.
DIABLO WINS

JESODIST 0-0 vs MASTER ROCK 1-2

After not knowing if Jeso was coming or going, he did finally show up and I give him kudos for that. This was admittedly a tough topic to handle but my take on it was about the same as Master Rock’s. Jesodist had some bright spots but seemingly rhymes himself in circles, there was some good language use here and some decent imagery but not much in terms of story. Master Rock came at a different pace this week and really fleshed out his lines instead of giving us half bars. He kind of stole the show here imo.

“I fall down hanging by my strings
while hearing the sweet faintness of angels as they start to sing
I feel the wind from the flapping of their glorious wings
the light glistening... radiating from their golden rings
I'm comforted by the embrace that your weightlessness brings
amongst other things, I feel a grasp from the sky
El Shaddai
reeling me in, divine identities cleanse me from where I been”

Bars like this commanded my attention and impressed me, this earned Rock a trip to the contenders match this week

WINNER; MASTER ROCK


EVICTION 1-2 VS CANDY 1-2

Thought there would be some dark content here based on the topic picture and the two competitors but would have never thought Candy would have gone with the title he did. Lol some of his verse felt sporadic and misplaced and was hard to figure out the meaning behind. Eviction on the other hand told a pretty linear story about love and the pain that comes along with it. He won pretty handily
WINNER: EVICTION

SHOUTS TO THE ARTISTS:
Week 3: Elia Colombo
Week 4: Avogado6
Week 5: Joey Guidone

Hope you guys are liking the topics trying to keep them fresh.





THA PREVIEWWWWZ

CHAMP MATCH: UNIVERSE 4-0 VS MR J 3-1

This will be an interesting matchup. Mr J is an absolute smooth read, all his multis tie together effortlessly and he does a pretty good job planting some dope imagery (plant, get it?) but Universe is just on an absolute other tier right now, he’s had no problem going undefeated (helped by 2 NS wins as well) and doesn’t seem like he’s slowing down any time soon. He always sets his scenes so well his imagery is awesome but everything from a technical aspect and beyond is great too. He’s the full package when it comes to writing topicals and I don’t think he’s ready to slow down yet.
UNIVERSE WINS 70/30

CONTENDERS MATCH: MASTER ROCK 2-2 VS EVICTION 2-2

It’s weird to see these two in the contender match for this week as they are both guys who have visibly struggled for the first half of the season. Eviction has actually had a better go of it lately and has been dropping pretty consistently (including a Week One showing against Hush) he’s dropped a couple but has a few solid verses under his belt which will help him here. Master Rock picked up the W last week against Jesodist. Most the readers complaints about Rock is that he kind of phones it in sometimes but from what I seen from him last week (including what I quoted in reviews) this guy isn’t a bad writer. They both belong here but only one can win and I think Eviction has the momentum right now.
EVICTION WINS 55/45

OBJECTIVE 1-2 VS CANDY 1-3

Both writers have definitely underperformed this season but both have shown bright spots as well. Objective is coming off a weird week where he didn’t check in promptly and I kind of phased him out due to the escalating YDK and Lars narrative. Objective has been finding his footing week by week, he’s telling some awesome stories and just needs to tweak a little bit of language to be on that next tier. Candy has work to do as well, his only win has come via Sinacog and though he has flashes of brilliant imagery he’s mostly drug down by rhyming himself in a circle, his message loses meaning, the narrative drowns in irrelevant rhyme schemes, so he needs to stay more focused. I’ve got Objective here I think he’s the more fine tuned of the two.
WINNER OBJECTIVE 60/40

YDK 0-1 VS FRAZE 0-0

YDK didn’t flesh out his verse last week nearly enough to take Lars down but he definitely said a lot in his short verse and it was really technically sound. He’s agreed to stay in another week and his biggest competition is really himself, if he can find the time and motivation to write he’ll be golden. As for fraze I haven’t seen much from him in way of topicals he may have participated a couple weeks in the GWL but I may be mistaken. Anyways without any way to judge him I’ll run with YDK here the veteran.
YDK WINS 90/10

ADVERSE 0-0 VS SCAR 1-0 BY UNIVERSE


BOTW contender here. Adverse jumps in to take Lars' place and makes it way more interesting, imo. This topic is right up both guys alleys - tons of poetic undertones with a hint of childhood wonder that both can really nail when they let their imaginations take over.

Adverse has his plate full this week, after upsetting evaD in NBL's wildcard match, he faces perennial contender Resin and also has to deal with Scar in the topical arena. For most people this would be biting off more than they can chew... but for Addy it's called a Wednesday. There is a train of thought out there that he spreads himself too thin, but I see him coming out guns a blazing and really wrecking shop with this topic. He is more than warmed up, and to me that is to his advantage here.

Scar is a problem for anyone. (Lars bailed when he saw his name next to his, let's just be honest.) He can be hit and miss but when he"s on... he"s ON, and probably one of the best I've seen do it. This topic bodes well for him as well - Scar can dive deep into an imaginary world like few others can and I'm fascinated to see where he takes this. I'm hoping for more of his first weeks style though and less of his substitute verse in his second week.. (yeah, I read it before you edited it out my dude, haha.)

This will be a back and forth battle in every sense but I'm going to side with Adverse here just because he has been more active as of late and will be damn motivated not to start at 0-1.

But bet against Scar at your peril, everyone...

ADVERSE WINS 52/48


PHARAOHS ARMY 2-2 vs MMLP 2-2

Both of these guys are coming off some pretty big losses (MMLP in the champ match and PA in contenders) but I also believe both are primed for big bounce backs here. MMLP is a technical savvy guy, padawan to Lars and it definitely shows. His Simpsons narrative last week lacked the type of reveal writing we usually see from him but he didn’t really miss a beat his writing was top notch. Pharoah attempted something more meaningful last week and it wasn’t as well received as his opponents piece. Overall both these guys are good but I don’t think MMLP will drop his third match in a row here and that’s why I will roll with him.
MMLP WINS 59/41

THAT’S ALL WE HAVE TODAY FOLKS, MAKE SURE YOU VOTE. FUCK BIDEN AND TRUMP THIS IS WHAT REALLY MATTERS. I APPRECIATE YOU ALL AND HOPEFULLY THESE MAGS AT LEAST MAKE YOU LAUGH A LITTLE BIT. Addy daddy signing out

[Candy]

dope mag dude thanks

[Sharp]

I was going to, but then I saw your champion mispronounced Matt Groening's name

text battles rule fuck uuuu

[Adverse]

Originally Posted by Sharp

I was going to, but then I saw your champion mispronounced Matt Groening's name

text battles rule fuck uuuu

Look, it’s not my fault he’s Canadian man what are you going to blame me for next, Barcotic?

[Diablo]

Be assured, I have a win over Scar in our only battle.

I said to drop me out because it’s Christmas week and I want to focus on my family.

[Adverse]

Originally Posted by Diablo

Be assured, I have a win over Scar in our only battle.

I said to drop me out because it’s Christmas week and I want to focus on my family.

It’s all love my dude we gotta have something for the mag lol

[Objective]

"You must spread some reputation to give to Adverse again" Great words about the mental health stuff and the mag as a whole! Loving the work on this, appreciated.