Week 12: 3PA vs. Adonis - [ADONIS 3-2]

Adonis · 05-20-2016, 05:25 PM

Season 6

Verses are due MONDAY 5/23 (ext. 5/24) 11:59 PST

Voting ends WEDNESDAY 5/2511:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic: Located HERE

@JESODIST

G/Luck

Witty and Jesodist no show

Three-Planes-Aligned · 05-22-2016, 12:26 PM

As you're driving to work,suddenly all traffic comes to a stop just as you hear....

...the sonic recurrence of that inner harangue
- triggered to rant by a glance into the mirror by chance
Seeing the being-for-others fleetingly flutter
- in a meaningless hustle in the un-living expanse
of being uncovered - you sleepily putter
- daydreaming of colors in this city of glass
towards increasingly tougher - and persistent demands
- gripping your nads with millions of hands
A vanishing wraith with a fistful of ash
with diminishing vigor and wits to withstand
the miserably bland and insipidly flat
- gibberish linguistics of the privileged class
What you see is a clone feeling at home
- repeating routines feeling no meaning or hope
a reasonless ghost - stuck to gleeless basics
- a feeble patient with his freedom revoked
having brief relations - love, a legal matrix
and but the alleviation - of being alone
What you see is a coarse, unclean/unshaven
- beliefless agent from a creepy basement
You hear naked software - speaking in code
- who pines to return to the fetal abode
who can't go on - goallessly striving
- as a midget that's cloaked as a glorious titan
Not on your way to work, this morning, my diamond
- the person who started the car is no longer driving

Adonis · 05-23-2016, 11:54 PM

As a kid, I’d lie awake in the deadest of nights
Never could shake a headful of frights
Even my classmates knew I was a Woose inside
Couldn’t take the heat, so a kitchen’s never the place that I'd hide
I was a disgraceful delight, polite as could be
Not every juvenile would liken to me
see, I’m easily excited, blush when I’d see the word ‘she’
A bit ‘love-touched’, not a hateful bone in this being
I didn’t have many friends, my imagination was rampant
In the end, I fathomed a book would have my last handprint
Cause I’d self deprecate, I loved horror the most
Non-fictions depiction would be a devil or ghost
Now I knew what was real, just hated it more
So I’d spend hours in chapters with serrated old swords
Ghouls and demons being created in lore
The greatest was Rowr, a demon obsessing of me
His eyeballs would flicker in sync, all thirty plus repetitively
A sudden… pause …follows by a shivering wink
He’s consciously mean; out seeking the meek
A shadow cast in the wrath he imposes for free
Notice his wings; Diamond tough with an edge
Hattori Honzo sharp; snug, just under a bed
Unsure how he fits with muscles bulging about
He’s overtly stout, a silent assassin
Slowly sends shivers in route to this violent attraction
His mischievous mouth only syphons life out
A sadists orgasm, The ultimate tool
A team player who rules, gravely fashionable
I couldn’t sleep knowing he lived under my sheets
Until that *squeak*, as he moved out from beneath
He asked politely and calm, “excuse me, can you stop frightening me?
Every night you flail arms and your feet, striking with ease
The later it gets, the louder you breathe, growling it seems
As if to state your size, which leaves me cowering see?
Well, now I’m tired, and I’d like to be friends if you'd please
End the tyranny, and not be afraid of what’s above my bed when I sleep"

~Pixar scours the globe for its next great character, an open invitation for anyone to create it~

Artifice · 05-26-2016, 10:09 AM

you both dropped dope.

Three Planes

This was really good imo. From a technical standpoint, I really liked how you played with the scheme, interweaving the syllables back and forth. Read really smooth and had a nice cadence that you don't see too often in text. Plot-wise, I dug this. You've got a metaphorical way of describing your narrative that works quite well. Finally, I dig the vocab. harangue and pines are not common verbiage, but they fit well into the piece.

Adonis

This was real nice. I had to read it a couple times to get the whole picture, but if I have, I really like how you flipped the subject, and had the role-reversal between the main character and what they're describing. Flow was real smooth, you've definitely got a poetic vibe to your writing which works well. Your downfall this week, imo, was that you ended up (due to noshows) matched against an opponent who brought a cool plot and a slightly more advanced piece of work mechanically speaking. Had you faced your original opponent, I think this verse would've won.

Close, but I got 3PA taking this one by a bit... good reads from both.

v/ 3PA

Razah · 05-26-2016, 12:10 PM

3PA, first verse I read from you. The rhyme scheme & flow on this was pretty on point. I liked it. Reminds me of Frank's style kinda', minus the story telling aspect.

Enjoyable verse, although, I felt 'midget' was a weird word to use. I dunno, just the word itself is kind of taboo for me. Funny, but weird.

Donny Boy, solid verse. I liked the little twist at the end, how the 'monster' was really afraid of the child. Not an original twist to say the least, but the way it was executed was done nicely. I think your flow is at your best when your internals are consecutive, it really makes it flow smoothly.

Good battle / tough vote. 3PA, had the better verse mechanically. The concept he had wasn't mind blowing, but he executed it nicely. His rhyme scheme was on point & the flow was smooth. Adonis had a better story in my eyes. 3PA has him beat with the technical aspects, but I enjoyed Adonis' verse more. It's not he was completely outclassed as far as flow goes or anything like that, not by that big of a margin, which is why Im'a have to vote for him. Also, I think it's weird he threw his name into this battle to reduce no shows. The amount of time I take into dropping a verse sometimes depends on my opponents. Anywho, I can see this going either way, whether you like the way a verse read more, or if you liked the content more, this time, I'm going with content.

vAdonis

Mr. J · 05-26-2016, 12:27 PM

3PA, I thought this was an interesting tale
really enjoyed the whole metaphysical veil.
the twist at the end as well, the flows on point
perfect length while creating something Id enjoy.
the reason-less ghost section was smooth shit
very well done, it brought some amusement.

Don, I thought this was one of your best.
the first run at this was impressive, it garnered interest.
& upon a second read the twist comes into play
you had a couple stumbles, the Hanzo reference is great
the description played well in your hands.
some nice work here though big man..

v/This is a tough battle to vote on for me
both writers created a cool & interesting story
3PA took it in an abstract route with cool flow
Adonis wrote it in starting off on a smooth note
there didnt seem to be anything bumpy in either piece.
but I do feel Adonis came through & beasted...
the build up to the end was cool & you added some nice imagery.
you stayed consistent & played with some metaphors within the piece
its hard seeing anything bad to say about either piece
Adonis stumbled but at the end it didnt make a difference to me
I got Adonis taking this one

Inno · 05-26-2016, 09:54 PM

3

Very precise wording and elegant diction dude. I dug the abstract feel this had. Your flow never faulted and you kept a smooth read through out. Cool take on the topic as well i thought you painted some dope imagery wity a good pace.

Ad

This was cool too... Ypu could of put that twist in a bit more towards the middle so i couldof got a nit more of the actual demon instead of just his description. I thought that twist was dope as fuck bro but i wanted more. This was a cool read man, you wrote some i could relate to you get points for thet.

Overall

This was a pretty even battle tbh. I think ama go with 3pa with a more complete verse in my eyes. Adonis' twist was on point but 3pa dropped some fire. Good battle fellas

UnbornBuddha · 05-26-2016, 11:13 PM

3pa your verse had many good points I enjoyed the rhythm, and it had a feeling of hypnosis to it- slowly progressing into oblivion. I also think you bested Adonis mechanically.

Adonis: There were some standstills and there some platitudes and cliche imageries, Hanzo sword, for example. However, what made your piece was the story. It was humorous and imaginative, something along the minds of Pixar.

Vote: Adonis, he crafted a more interesting world/ narrative.

05-20-2016, 05:25 PM	#1
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946446	Week 12: 3PA vs. Adonis - [ADONIS 3-2] Season 6 Verses are due MONDAY 5/23 (ext. 5/24) 11:59 PST Voting ends WEDNESDAY 5/2511:59 PST Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread. Topic: Located HERE @JESODIST G/Luck Witty and Jesodist no show __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR Last edited by Adonis; 05-27-2016 at 06:41 PM.

05-22-2016, 12:26 PM	#2
Three-Planes-Aligned Hyphenated Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: The Black Lodge Posts: 79 Battle Record: 7-8 Rep Power: 549509	As you're driving to work,suddenly all traffic comes to a stop just as you hear.... ...the sonic recurrence of that inner harangue - triggered to rant by a glance into the mirror by chance Seeing the being-for-others fleetingly flutter - in a meaningless hustle in the un-living expanse of being uncovered - you sleepily putter - daydreaming of colors in this city of glass towards increasingly tougher - and persistent demands - gripping your nads with millions of hands A vanishing wraith with a fistful of ash with diminishing vigor and wits to withstand the miserably bland and insipidly flat - gibberish linguistics of the privileged class What you see is a clone feeling at home - repeating routines feeling no meaning or hope a reasonless ghost - stuck to gleeless basics - a feeble patient with his freedom revoked having brief relations - love, a legal matrix and but the alleviation - of being alone What you see is a coarse, unclean/unshaven - beliefless agent from a creepy basement You hear naked software - speaking in code - who pines to return to the fetal abode who can't go on - goallessly striving - as a midget that's cloaked as a glorious titan Not on your way to work, this morning, my diamond - the person who started the car is no longer driving Last edited by Three-Planes-Aligned; 05-22-2016 at 04:28 PM.

05-23-2016, 11:54 PM	#3
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946446	As a kid, I’d lie awake in the deadest of nights Never could shake a headful of frights Even my classmates knew I was a Woose inside Couldn’t take the heat, so a kitchen’s never the place that I'd hide I was a disgraceful delight, polite as could be Not every juvenile would liken to me see, I’m easily excited, blush when I’d see the word ‘she’ A bit ‘love-touched’, not a hateful bone in this being I didn’t have many friends, my imagination was rampant In the end, I fathomed a book would have my last handprint Cause I’d self deprecate, I loved horror the most Non-fictions depiction would be a devil or ghost Now I knew what was real, just hated it more So I’d spend hours in chapters with serrated old swords Ghouls and demons being created in lore The greatest was Rowr, a demon obsessing of me His eyeballs would flicker in sync, all thirty plus repetitively A sudden… pause …follows by a shivering wink He’s consciously mean; out seeking the meek A shadow cast in the wrath he imposes for free Notice his wings; Diamond tough with an edge Hattori Honzo sharp; snug, just under a bed Unsure how he fits with muscles bulging about He’s overtly stout, a silent assassin Slowly sends shivers in route to this violent attraction His mischievous mouth only syphons life out A sadists orgasm, The ultimate tool A team player who rules, gravely fashionable I couldn’t sleep knowing he lived under my sheets Until that squeak, as he moved out from beneath He asked politely and calm, “excuse me, can you stop frightening me? Every night you flail arms and your feet, striking with ease The later it gets, the louder you breathe, growling it seems As if to state your size, which leaves me cowering see? Well, now I’m tired, and I’d like to be friends if you'd please End the tyranny, and not be afraid of what’s above my bed when I sleep" ~Pixar scours the globe for its next great character, an open invitation for anyone to create it~ __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR Last edited by Adonis; 05-31-2016 at 11:14 PM.

05-26-2016, 12:27 PM	#6
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,025 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349678	3PA, I thought this was an interesting tale really enjoyed the whole metaphysical veil. the twist at the end as well, the flows on point perfect length while creating something Id enjoy. the reason-less ghost section was smooth shit very well done, it brought some amusement. Don, I thought this was one of your best. the first run at this was impressive, it garnered interest. & upon a second read the twist comes into play you had a couple stumbles, the Hanzo reference is great the description played well in your hands. some nice work here though big man.. v/This is a tough battle to vote on for me both writers created a cool & interesting story 3PA took it in an abstract route with cool flow Adonis wrote it in starting off on a smooth note there didnt seem to be anything bumpy in either piece. but I do feel Adonis came through & beasted... the build up to the end was cool & you added some nice imagery. you stayed consistent & played with some metaphors within the piece its hard seeing anything bad to say about either piece Adonis stumbled but at the end it didnt make a difference to me I got Adonis taking this one __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

05-26-2016, 10:09 AM	#4
Artifice Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2016 Posts: 269 Battle Record: 17-9 Champed - Art Of Writing League - GWL Picture Challenge Rep Power: 3944945	you both dropped dope. Three Planes This was really good imo. From a technical standpoint, I really liked how you played with the scheme, interweaving the syllables back and forth. Read really smooth and had a nice cadence that you don't see too often in text. Plot-wise, I dug this. You've got a metaphorical way of describing your narrative that works quite well. Finally, I dig the vocab. harangue and pines are not common verbiage, but they fit well into the piece. Adonis This was real nice. I had to read it a couple times to get the whole picture, but if I have, I really like how you flipped the subject, and had the role-reversal between the main character and what they're describing. Flow was real smooth, you've definitely got a poetic vibe to your writing which works well. Your downfall this week, imo, was that you ended up (due to noshows) matched against an opponent who brought a cool plot and a slightly more advanced piece of work mechanically speaking. Had you faced your original opponent, I think this verse would've won. Close, but I got 3PA taking this one by a bit... good reads from both. v/ 3PA

05-26-2016, 12:10 PM	#5
Razah rockkFresh Join Date: Apr 2015 Location: Chicago. Posts: 1,088 Battle Record: 8-10 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 11328542	3PA, first verse I read from you. The rhyme scheme & flow on this was pretty on point. I liked it. Reminds me of Frank's style kinda', minus the story telling aspect. Enjoyable verse, although, I felt 'midget' was a weird word to use. I dunno, just the word itself is kind of taboo for me. Funny, but weird. Donny Boy, solid verse. I liked the little twist at the end, how the 'monster' was really afraid of the child. Not an original twist to say the least, but the way it was executed was done nicely. I think your flow is at your best when your internals are consecutive, it really makes it flow smoothly. Good battle / tough vote. 3PA, had the better verse mechanically. The concept he had wasn't mind blowing, but he executed it nicely. His rhyme scheme was on point & the flow was smooth. Adonis had a better story in my eyes. 3PA has him beat with the technical aspects, but I enjoyed Adonis' verse more. It's not he was completely outclassed as far as flow goes or anything like that, not by that big of a margin, which is why Im'a have to vote for him. Also, I think it's weird he threw his name into this battle to reduce no shows. The amount of time I take into dropping a verse sometimes depends on my opponents. Anywho, I can see this going either way, whether you like the way a verse read more, or if you liked the content more, this time, I'm going with content. vAdonis

05-26-2016, 09:54 PM	#7
Inno Ad mini tator Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 10,005 Battle Record: 26-54 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - Black August - 1-2 Punch League Rep Power: 85899400	3 Very precise wording and elegant diction dude. I dug the abstract feel this had. Your flow never faulted and you kept a smooth read through out. Cool take on the topic as well i thought you painted some dope imagery wity a good pace. Ad This was cool too... Ypu could of put that twist in a bit more towards the middle so i couldof got a nit more of the actual demon instead of just his description. I thought that twist was dope as fuck bro but i wanted more. This was a cool read man, you wrote some i could relate to you get points for thet. Overall This was a pretty even battle tbh. I think ama go with 3pa with a more complete verse in my eyes. Adonis' twist was on point but 3pa dropped some fire. Good battle fellas

05-26-2016, 11:13 PM	#8
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856375	3pa your verse had many good points I enjoyed the rhythm, and it had a feeling of hypnosis to it- slowly progressing into oblivion. I also think you bested Adonis mechanically. Adonis: There were some standstills and there some platitudes and cliche imageries, Hanzo sword, for example. However, what made your piece was the story. It was humorous and imaginative, something along the minds of Pixar. Vote: Adonis, he crafted a more interesting world/ narrative.