09-28-2017, 11:59 AM | #1 |
Clever
Join Date: Sep 2017
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Prisms & Pathways
Our fingers touch…
Theres a spark as electrifying as the day we first met, She makes me young again, lord, this lady’s perfect She’s my guiding light, the sun on my horizon, Her love is what I seek, focusing my eyes on She made me the man I am today, and who I expect to be, And even now, as she silently lies next to me I still find the only sensation flooding my mind is ecstasy Then, as I lean in and give her lips a kiss to sleep I realize this is love, in its purest simplicity And now she’s gone… No symptoms were shown, it all happened so suddenly But when she collapsed, I knew. “No darling you mustn’t leave!” Now pain scorches through my eyes, she was my salvation, Thoughts of joining her slowly become more of a temptation My once happy memories are now screaming desolate tones Killing me inside and out, leaving just death ridden bones They've become common lately, stringing up my broken heart, A hopeless art, just one last look, waiting for the approach of dark My guiding light dims, as its no longer shining bright, Replaced by fear of being engulfed by the blinding night Then I remember us… I remember drowning more than a couple times in her opal colored eyes, Her bright smile could break through cast-over skies, Or how she would hang onto me with her cocoa butter thighs My luck to find her and not be one of those hopeful other guys And how we’d joke when she wore my shirts far too oversized Suddenly my attention shifts, I realize she’s still guiding my path, Keeping me going as her thought has me finding my laugh It can be rough, but ‘life after’ isn’t a prison, its up to you to endure the path Life is like a prism, what you view depends on how you turn the glass This is from a recent battle I did with the topic being *Prisms & Pathways* |
09-28-2017, 12:48 PM | #2 |
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Hey man, I don't want to sound too pessimistic, but this comes off as very generic and static.
The one original line I read was "And how we’d joke when she wore my shirts far too oversized" -- the only description that gives insight into a unique relationship. The concept itself has been done to death. That is not to say that you didn't have a good grasp on mechanics, because based on the construction it looks like you have the potential to drop bombs in this forum. But phrases like "lord, this lady’s perfect" and “No darling you mustn’t leave!” and "she would hang onto me with her cocoa butter thighs" are yawn-inducing. I would encourage you to either dig deeper into your subject matter to make me feel it personally, or ramp up your rhyme scheme and mechanics so that it becomes more of a technical display. Keep writing.
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09-28-2017, 03:38 PM | #3 |
Clever
Join Date: Sep 2017
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@Pinot Grij Thanks for the feed man, but tbh this was a super quick piece and i just dropped it here to test the waters to see if ya'll are feeding or not haha. Thanks though!
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