Netcees  

Go Back   Netcees > Forum > Open Mic Section

User Tag List

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-25-2017, 02:13 AM   #1
Ness
Clever
 
Ness's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 11




Rep Power: 0
Ness is an unknown quantity at this point
Default If Only She Knew



"I’m a broken man behind this mask I maintain with,

I don’t understand this feeling, or how to contain it. This is all so new to me, this dame is
leaving me brainless, replacing the space with this mental anguish because she’s not mine.
Well, she’s mine… But she’s not mine in the sense of the slang-age. She’s mine as in my best friend I used to spend
every day with. Nothing matters with her, my days become painless in a way that words just can’t explain it
And when she smiles, a warmth takes over. It's like I’ve been sipping on the serpent's breath. But does she feel the same way?
That question alone keeps me stricken with uncertainness; speechless, just sitting here for her to guess.
I’ve tried to proclaim how I feel, but when I go to speak it’s like my mouth is switching up the words thats next.
Instead of ‘I love you’ it’s ‘I missed you’. But not in the endearing way, thats the real issue.
Cause I swear I could treat her better. With men she’s been misused, degraded, abused,

can't stand to see this continue when I’ve been there the whole time just helping her get through.
But I never get my chance, she always gives her heart so someone who hurts it.
I’m not saying these guys are worthless but I'm saying compared to me they're worth less.
So I find myself asking, ‘I she really worth it? Rode the ups and the downs, how did he earn it?
Won’t happen now, should I desert it?’ But I can’t. She’s the goddess of whom I belong to the church,

I’m always at her service. Without her my days would be riddled with loneliness
Depressed thoughts clouding my mind only missed, by the rare thought
of her in the arms of a disrespectful chauvinist. “Thats it, I’ve lost her… The end”
But I don’t want to lose her! So must pretend I’m okay with meaning nothing to her, just a friend
Well, I’m NOT okay with that! And why should I be? I was here first, why should I leave!

I put her on a pedestal so high she could crumble my world if she were to deny me.
It’s fear that guides me. So until I’m certain, I’ll have to mask these emotions inside me and just wish

'If only she knew…'”

Ness is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2017, 12:51 PM   #2
Pinot Grij
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 863
Battle Record: 23-19

Accomplishments
- OM HOF

Champed
- Fight Night 2
- Write Week V
- Netcees Battle League (2x)
- Winter Topical II
- 1-2 Punch league

Rep Power: 29195060
Pinot Grij has a brilliant futurePinot Grij has a brilliant futurePinot Grij has a brilliant futurePinot Grij has a brilliant futurePinot Grij has a brilliant futurePinot Grij has a brilliant futurePinot Grij has a brilliant futurePinot Grij has a brilliant futurePinot Grij has a brilliant futurePinot Grij has a brilliant futurePinot Grij has a brilliant future
Default

Hey man -- I liked this much better than the other piece I just read from you. More technical display. More unpredictable rhyming, which keeps things fresh.

"I’m not saying these guys are worthless but I'm saying compared to me they're worth less."
I thought this line was really cool.

I thought the whole piece would work a little better if you added more of a sarcastic feel to it and made it more comedic about a loser that's obsessed with a woman that doesn't want him.. but that's just my personal preference.
__________________
Topical C.R.E.A.M.
Pinot Grij is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 03:50 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2024 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Google+