WEEK FIFTEEN: MIKE WRECKA (3-2) vs RAWN MD (1-1) MIKE WRECKA WINS 4-2

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK FIFTEEN

@Mike Wrecka @Rawn MD

Verse Due: WEDNESDAY AUGUST 4TH @ 11:59PM

Line min: 10

Max: 40


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:







GOOD LUCK

[Mike Wrecka]

Check

[Rawn MD]

Check

[Rawn MD]

Ext req @Mike Wrecka @Adverse

[Rawn MD]

Countdown to zero hour
Earth crushing steel devours
from bread baskets to stealing flour
states Rays up to stake their power
jockying Plaice to Skate or Flounder
left us Flat Fishin’ in problems past fixin
...I recall how things used to be
before lights buzzin, it was proof of bees
before night hunting, there was lucid dreams
before high sunscreen, I consumed the heat
but now after the last attack...
I have to don masks to inhale the air
the ground is rock ash, pavement stale and bare
soil blisters with boils if I been exposed
uncoil the tinfoil just to hit the road
The sun broils skin quicker than a snake can shed
radioactive, radio agent, radio station, radios dead
between the rate at which the infection spread
or the states solution to escape ahead
and the great pollution that infiltrates breath
Sets stays of execution in painted lead
canvas that easel in handprints of people
dead, decayed and engulfed in damages left
except....me and this blasted cat
facts, in a landscape of grey reaching heights
skyscraping God's feet, I begin to rise
trying to find…air, so clean I can breathe
but this cat mocks me, staying to my side
My own Siamese, she’s one step behind
in my tracks and when I am set to climb…
She arches her back and attacks
clawing to scratch, calling me back
She opens me up, hissing and ripping
purring and hurting, exposing my blood
to the unclean, I feel the contagion
penetrating the sunscreen, oh fuck me!
I bravely reach for the next highest beam
My eyelids beat me down, flex violently
She meows, I act vexed decidedly
to drown her sound out to an island breeze
countdown zero hour, and finally free
sitting by myself on the highest beam
inhaling cigarettes trying to breathe
dying of cat scratch fever from the ether
my heartbeats for her, my siamese

[Mike Wrecka]

Pondering things, with the only friend I have left , wheezing and gasping as I gather my breath ,
the smoke I inhale exudes a lavender scent , as I’m waiting to die a most spectacular death,
all I have is regrets and this cat as my pet , was given a second chance before I became trapped in this debt,
the fact that I’m bereft and devoid of life, annoys customers as they use chopsticks to enjoy their rice,
the debt collectors hunters are deployed at night , forced to quit my job as a chef to avoid their like ,
lungs feel like they’ve been stabbed with a poison knife, had a surgery but can’t afford for them perform it twice,
received an organ donation from my former wife, but a new respiratory system couldn’t transform my life ,
ya I was warned alright but I just kept chain smoking, despite the carcinogens my airways stayed open,
but eventually they also too became broken , now when they mention my name it’s only words of shame that are spoken,
I started to pray hoping that would provide some relief, but these days I’m running low on my supply of belief ,
used to serve dumplings with sauce and a side of dried beef, now I’m just a criminal trying to stay alive in these streets ,
in my condition it’s not so easy to survive as a thief, so I sit amongst the neon signs and try to retreat ,
often chased by police, I hide and they seek, no longer welcome in places frequented by the elite,
my doctors applied a technique, that I paid for through a loan, a cybernetic implant, that was glued to my bones,
it releases nano bots, that when deployed have been shown , to greatly slow the spread of any cancers that are soon to be grown,
but I failed to make the payments so one afternoon in my home , they came and ripped it from my chest to the tune of my groans ,
but I still owe the lenders, the total has to be paid, hiding from my arrears is becoming harder to fathom these days ,
the street levels too dangerous , when I’m there I go into spasms afraid, so that’s why I usually choose to travel this way,
traverse from girder to girder, stop to rest on the beams, and bask in the glow of the cities luminous screams,
the truth is obscene, despite lacking oxygen, my addiction is too strong so I keep letting toxins in ,
looking down at the ground beneath my dangling moccasins, sparks begin to fly as steel workers are busy soldering,
I feel dizzy the cities spinning as I think of opportunities wasted, and despite all the lights this communities fading,
I release from this beam and all of the sounds around me cease, as I fall in silence I have finally found my peace

[Nigma]

Rawn
Content - enjoyed the story you told, the visuals you painted, and the way you progressed the story in a naturally worded way. Things were not rushed or forced, you connected with the target in a light hearted way. There were no profound, standout lines, but there were a few very well executed areas:
"...I recall how things used to be
before lights buzzin, it was proof of bees
before night hunting, there was lucid dreams
before high sunscreen, I consumed the heat"
"radioactive, radio agent, radio station, radios dead"

Mechanics - You angered my brain switching schemes after 5 lines as opposed to sticking with 4 or adding a 6th, however that was only mechanical grip for you. Lines, such as the ones quoted above, were confidentaly written and showcased a true understanding of rhythmic mechanics.

Overall I really enjoyed this. I thought this was a very solid submission and checked all the boxes. Great content, mechanics to back it up, and kept true to the topic provided.


Mike
Content - as opposed to telling an ongoing story, you chose to depict a frozen moment of time, relying on the description, imagery, and backstory of the moment, and succeeded in doing so. Poor fella just tryna serve some saucy dumplings and folks showing up with baseball bats like when Bryan owed Stewie money. Only issue with describing a moment is the lack of progression, and in this instance I think it limited the upside in the verse. The content overall felt a little spread out, as if lacking direction from the start. As mentioned, it did succeed in the way it was meant to, imagery was the standout feature, I just wasn't feeling your concept as much as your opponents.

Mechanics - Absolutely no gripe with the mechanics here. Each line consisted of a rhyming couplet so the format was superb. Great internals, multis, transitions, clearly at a very advanced stage of technical conceptuality.

Overall, a really solid submission as well, you were true to your topic, remained visual throughout, just didn't really have that pow factor for me.





Prognosis - It was clear to me after one read which I preferred. Although Mike had a solid drop, Rawn delivered a concept way more flushed out, mechanics were even in my eyes, but the concept and execution of Rawns verse took it.

+1 Rawn

[Adverse]

This was a pretty good matchup. Thought both stories were good in their own right, topic looked more optimistic to me than you two portrayed, both stories ended with the demise of the character but for wildly differing reasons. Let’s dig in.

Rawn -
Your style takes some getting used to, the imagery is vague and up to this point the narrative had kind of taken a backseat. But I think that changed here a little bit, loved the things you described they were really dystopian cypher punk vibes, and funny how you turned the scene of this photo into such a violent one with the cat acting in animalistic instinct and attacking its owner and all he can do as he fades away is worry about the cat. Thought that was pretty good and kind of speaks to how humans operate vs animals, found that to be pretty cool honestly. Good drop.

Mike
This was a weird style, super stretched lines packed with rhymes. It was okay but towards the end it started to wear on me like it made the story feel like it was being dragged out. The scenes you were describing were decent enough, and I liked the concept of a man buried in debt, homeless and just living in the rafters of this huge Japanese city. The ending was kinda expected but the fashion it happened in was enough to keep us on our toes. So that was good.

I think I’d roll with Rawn here as well, his story wasn’t necessarily better but it flowed with a lot more fluidly and the progression was just better. This was a pretty good battle though

V/Rawn

[Universe]

Rawn MD:

Rawn, you're improving every week. This was your best verse yet in almost every category... I still had my issues with it but I thought this was a fairly fresh take on a tough topic. I thought you found just the right balance between story and metaphorical allusions, culminating with the cat and the "cat scratch fever" reference at the end.

I liked the world you set up here. I really wanted to know what the "attack" was that caused this though... It didn't need to be stated, but I was genuinely curious because I got real Deus Ex/Cyberpunk vibes from this. A kind of steel, heat-treated city where people live amongst the girders or wherever they can. The sunscreen references were cool as well, and it got me thinking that maybe the ozone layer broke down and people have been burnt alive and seeking refuge within the confines and protection of our last remaining steel/cement infused cities...

As you can see my imagination is running away here lol, but that's all because you planted these seeds in my head and that's a real positive for any writer... Let the reader do the busy work. Just set the stage.

Now in terms of technical aspects, I thought the flow was great as always and you really smoothed out most of the rough edges that were present in your past weeks. Had some original wordplay with the :"Jockeying Plaice/Flounder" line... Very cool.

Also, on a side note, I think I'd actually prefer a little MORE words from you, your flow can afford it, and sometimes its almost TOO concise. Give me more detail and really let me sink my teeth into your bars.

The cat is so interesting to me... What does it represent? Could be interpreted so many ways and I love that you left it semi-open ended. I thought it was cool that you used the cat to 'ground' your character, not letting him climb to the heights he desires with this cat constantly needling him... His Siamese. I'm thinking it represents some sort of guilt that wont let him forget about it or escape it? Something he did? Or maybe it was something he didn't do... In any case it's interesting and got me thinking. Definitely a cool interpretation of the topic. Got to be careful though.. Leaving your ideas too loosely tied and they can fall through the hole into the 'this was actually no idea at all' land. You walked the tightrope though.

So yeah, overall a leap forward for you here my friend. I enjoyed this. Thought it was creative and read well and really had some nice imagery sprinkled in. You set the stage and made a dark yet vibrant world for us to get lost in for just a short while.

Thanks for the vacay.


Mike Wrecka:

Your multi's stand out immediately; You drive us straight into the rhyme scheme with no easing into it or warm up lines and that's appreciated by me for sure. It requires forethought and planning. Also, these multi's are relevant, which is tough to do but you string it all together nicely and balance it with an even flow. I'm liking the story angle, focusing on the cigarette and his cancer more than, say, the cat, and it makes sense narratively. I think I pre-fur it? Sorry...

I felt in the middle sections the flow started to fall off a little. Bit long-winded here and there with excess syllables throwing things off. But that's a nitpick in the overall scope of things as your multi's are strong and they never lose their relevancy, which helps push the story along.

The nanobots plot point is super strong... Cyber kinetics. This is the way of the future with dealing with our health issues for sure. Again, I'm getting a Deus Ex/Cyberpunk vibe here and it's kind of cool you two went down this same path. The imagery here is, again... really good. And you both kept me in this world, totally absorbed. I honestly think this could've even been a collab... I felt like I was reading two different chapters from the same story. Rawn focused on the cat metaphor within this world; Mike focused on the cigarette and the nanobots approach... within the same world lol. Both verses were RICH in detail and I honestly really liked both of them.

Rawn had better flow. Mike had better multi's and rhyme schemes. The stories were both very cool and I'd call it a tie. This just comes down to personal preference...

I think I'm going to favor the more direct approach here. I really like Mike's nanobots angle and his augmentations getting ripped out from lack of payments then going on the run, eventually hiding in the steel girders above the city. Although I also enjoyed Rawn's cat metaphor, I think the difference for me here is Mike answered my questions WITHIN the narrative he built while Rawn left me wondering... Which was dope too but I think it takes a little more skill to actually provide the answers while maintaining a multi-rich rhyme scheme.

SO close though. Thanks for the journey, fellas.

Vote: Mike Wrecka

[dead man]

Rawn, at first read i liked it. pacing is good. well stated for the most part. i took a second closer read and i mean, it kind of falls apart in spots.

some odd phrasing here and there. proof of bees.

states Rays up - is this a wordplay? something about the sun? jockying Plaice? idk.

bread baskets to stealing flour, sick

The sun broils skin quicker than a snake can shed
radioactive, radio agent, radio station, radios dead

RAW

and yea. post apoc, cat scratch fever. i liked your interpretation. you could have integrated some more verb-heavy descriptors. with real active pictures like this i'd be looking for more active language.

great effort though


WRECKA,


the fact that I’m bereft and devoid of life, annoys customers as they use chopsticks to enjoy their rice

i lol'd irl

was thrown off by the formatting for a second, but actually really got into it after a few lines. its clear, and clever, and very well formulated writing. i think i liked it so much because it reminded me of a vintage zygote sort of verse. to a [lesser] degree.

premise was simple and clean and i liked your slow descent into rekt. like rawn, extremely well paced creative and entertaining.

there's some snafus for sure.

shit like, "avoid their like", that reads like some ESL indian jeet shit

there were plenty of lines, that i PERSONALLY would have worded far differently but kept the exact sort of content in them. if that makes sense. its a skeletal issue. not a meat-n-bones situation at all. at the same time, personality really comes through in your word choice. so its not that simple i guess. i particularly enjoyed your placing of the nano-cancer-robot to ground us in the future. it was subtle and very good.

smoking, among the most pleasurable suicides



vote is mike wrecka

[Master Rock]

This was a solid showing from both .. Rawn had a slow burn in the beginning of his verse but picked up steam I want to say about a quarter in. Wrecka on the other came out swinging flowing like fluid ( so wavy we can grab a surf board and ride the wave). They did well, but I'm giving it to Mike for the super duper flow

[brokenhal0]

..TIE..sudden death...

[Adverse]

Originally Posted by i single

Rawn: First and foremost I’m reallly sad to hear about your injuries and the procedure surgeries you had to go through. I know if takes a lot to get through that but you’ve been around a long time and have sacrificed your all in the name of text. Hell, you’ve lost family members and girlfriends along the way of your topical journey, props tbh. I don’t know a lot of people who are this dedicated but @Universe is a retard. Anyways good luck in the finals if you ever make it there and pM me


Mike: alright man soooo I’ve read a lot of topicals in my day and bygod this was one of the best I’ve come acrosss. Your flow and imagery was outstanding and the vocabulary words on point. Didn’t see too many punchlines here but you made up for it with mushy mushy bars. All in all I thought this was dope bro, props.


Vote Rawn MD

ZELPH love you fam but if you’re going to vote like this, don’t bother

3-2 Mike Wrecka up

[Frank]

@Mike Wrecka @Rawn MD


RAWN MD

Countdown to zero hour
Earth crushing steel devours
Fire!
from bread baskets to stealing flour
states Rays up to stake their power
jockying Plaice to Skate or Flounder
left us Flat Fishin’ in problems past fixin
Nah! I liked the concept of "Stake the power", though. The rest is iffy in the grand scheme. Your opening bars really Set The Bar High. Top tier! Did you capitalize on it, though? In hind sight, story wise? Soon you'll introduce the catalyst, "The Cat". IMO this is where you should've done that! You still could've scrapped it, the problem wasn't past fixing!
...I recall how things used to be
before lights buzzin, it was proof of bees
before night hunting, there was lucid dreams
before high sunscreen, I consumed the heat
Nice usage of repetition here. I'm starting to zone in here.
but now after the last attack...
I have to don masks to inhale the air
the ground is rock ash, pavement stale and bare
soil blisters with boils if I been exposed
uncoil the tinfoil just to hit the road
Solid. What I underlined could've really been reimagined. For example:

soil blisters with boils if I been exposed
uncoil the tinfoil just to singe and roast

soil blisters with boils if I been exposed
uncoil the tinfoil just to crisp to gold

The sun broils skin quicker than a snake can shed
radioactive, radio agent, radio station, radios dead
Effective and efficient wording right there.
between the rate at which the infection spread
or the states solution to escape ahead
Wha?
and the great pollution that infiltrates breath
Sets stays of execution in painted lead
Some more poorly worded choice of words, encased in solid ideas.
canvas that easel in handprints of people
Well worded, but irrelevant to the Cat and Back story
dead, decayed and engulfed in damages left
except....me and this blasted cat
"Blasted Cat" I liked that. Good way to create an identity/personality that correlates with the picture well.
facts, in a landscape of grey reaching heights
skyscraping God's feet, I begin to rise
trying to find…air, so clean I can breathe
but this cat mocks me, staying to my side
My own Siamese, she’s one step behind
in my tracks and when I am set to climb…
She arches her back and attacks
clawing to scratch, calling me back
She opens me up, hissing and ripping
Fire!
purring and hurting, exposing my blood
to the unclean, I feel the contagion
penetrating the sunscreen, oh fuck me!
lol!
I bravely reach for the next highest beam
My eyelids beat me down, flex violently
She meows, I act vexed decidedly
to drown her sound out to an island breeze
Did you snuff out the cat???
countdown zero hour, and finally free
sitting by myself on the highest beam
inhaling cigarettes trying to breathe
dying of cat scratch fever from the ether
my heartbeats for her, my siamese
Good ending. I just now noticed that "The Cigarettes" is sort of like a volleying foreshadowing into Mike Wrecka's verse. You definitely immersed yourself in this one, brady. My only gripe is you could've mentioned that cat earlier, would've catapulted the piece a little further IMO. Maybe add a title? But, all in all, this was a good example of BREVITY. Nice work, E.


MIKE WRECKA

Pondering things, with the only friend I have left , wheezing and gasping as I gather my breath ,
the smoke I inhale exudes a lavender scent , as I’m waiting to die a most spectacular death,
all I have is regrets and this cat as my pet , was given a second chance before I became trapped in this debt,
the fact that I’m bereft and devoid of life, annoys customers as they use chopsticks to enjoy their rice,
the debt collectors hunters are deployed at night , forced to quit my job as a chef to avoid their like
Avoid their like?

Avoid their strifes?
Avoid their gripes?
Avoid their ? Otherwise, top notch intro right there.

lungs feel like they’ve been stabbed with a poison knife, had a surgery but can’t afford for them perform it twice,
received an organ donation from my former wife, but a new respiratory system couldn’t transform my life ,
ya I was warned alright but I just kept chain smoking, despite the carcinogens my airways stayed open,
but eventually they also too became broken , now when they mention my name it’s only words of shame that are spoken,
I started to pray hoping that would provide some relief, but these days I’m running low on my supply of belief ,
used to serve dumplings with sauce and a side of dried beef, now I’m just a criminal trying to stay alive in these streets ,
used to serve dumplings with sauce and a WASABI J/K! LOL! JK JK JK JK LOL
in my condition it’s not so easy to survive as a thief, so I sit amongst the neon signs and try to retreat ,
often chased by police, I hide and they seek, no longer welcome in places frequented by the elite,
my doctors applied a technique, that I paid for through a loan, a cybernetic implant, that was glued to my bones,
it releases nano bots, that when deployed have been shown , to greatly slow the spread of any cancers that are soon to be grown,
but I failed to make the payments so one afternoon in my home , they came and ripped it from my chest to the tune of my groans ,
but I still owe the lenders, the total has to be paid, hiding from my arrears is becoming harder to fathom these days ,
the street levels too dangerous , when I’m there I go into spasms afraid, so that’s why I usually choose to travel this way,
traverse from girder to girder, stop to rest on the beams, and bask in the glow of the cities luminous screams,
the truth is obscene, despite lacking oxygen, my addiction is too strong so I keep letting toxins in ,
looking down at the ground beneath my dangling moccasins, sparks begin to fly as steel workers are busy soldering,
Fire!
I feel dizzy the cities spinning as I think of opportunities wasted, and despite all the lights this communities fading,
I release from this beam and all of the sounds around me cease, as I fall in silence I have finally found my peace
Your ending was a little anticlimactic, I think Rawn JUST edged you there.


OVERALL

Battle of the week. ALMOST a toss up! There styles/verses complimented each other. Ultimately, I felt Mike Wrecka was more adhered to his concept. Dope battle! MVGT MIKE WRECKA