A Fallen Dove.

[Witty]

The world passes me by, is that cliche to say?
But I was born a cliche, my Father, he played away
My Mother, she slaved each day, raising her brood
While being betrayed, every time he strayed
Each day she'd pray for a clean slate
Or a rebate from the hate she accrued
With every lady he screwed on every cheap date
I had to watch her vision of peace fade to grey
And see her struggle to deal with the grief day to day
Now they're gone, but these demons remain
My only inheritance, as piece by piece
...they decay.

Now the crowds gather as the clouds scatter
And the sun appears, I hear a couple cheers
People clutchin' beers, stuck in this loud chatter
Yet every voice is clear, ringin' in my fucking ears
I grimace apologetically to the others on-board
To some it's untoward...
To me, it's just a regular summer, on tour
Foolishly hoping I could escape here as a regular joe
My disguise, glasses, hat, fake beard - I made it at home
But it failed just like the others so away it gets thrown
In to the trash, and out comes my more famous disguise
Blinding smile, little wink - to hide the disdain in my eyes
The pain of my pride, the price I pay to be famous
The hate of each face from these snakes that stay by my side
Follow me here, follow me there, to get a little taste of my high
Use me to ignore the fact that they've wasted their lives
Fat fucks, tho not quite as overweight as their wives
They love me now, tomorrow there'll be a change in the tide
And you'll see all these little fucking rodents changing their mind
They're the reason my brain is full of hate, and I'm blind
To the joys of life, and I'm stuck in this maze and confined
To this jail, though deep down I know a lot of it's self inflicted
Still, I can't help but hate them for staring...
...While I'm locked in this cell, restricted.

I used to hear her sit and pray, to instill in me the fight
To make it through each bitter day, she'd sing to me at night

"Fly my precious little dove, escape the tears and pain
Spread your wings and soar above, the hate..the fears...the strain
Show the world your beauty, let them hear your soothing song
And when the crows attack, persevere and prove them wrong
Fly through the swarm of hate, and the eye of the storm
Fly through the dark of the night 'til the sight of the morn
Soar though they gossip, and soar though they lie
Just soar my precious little dove...keep soaring in the sky"

She slept a light and lonely sleep, but tried to show me peace
Her life a slow release of strife with no reprieve
Her soul recedes beneath a life of cold deceit
She said my eyes could warm her heart...
...with their bright and glowing heat.

So I sang, and I flew, to banish the blues
The future my goals, the past was the muse
My picture flashed on the news, an icon
Night's long, relieved of the pain, it's bygone
The hottest man alive, scorchin' like the sun
And with each new album...
I spread my wings and soared to number one
But friends are fickle, fans are cheap
And all these drugs bring a lack of sleep
They roar, they shout, they scream and cry
But what they really want is me to die
They mobbed me today, but they won't do it again
I'm sick of their love, I feel abused by the fame
They pray for my fall, they hope for my demise
And all I can see is a rope...in my cold and lifeless eyes

Mother, you somehow showed me only peace
Within the gates of hell
You shielded me from stormy seas
When the waves of hate would swell
You showed me the kiss...
...even though the punch was all you knew
But you fell from a broken love...
...and now your dove has fallen too.

[Witty]

up.

[Alistan aka faggot zelph aka lip bayless]

Great.

Nicely written .
i could feel the first half and somewhere towards the closer.

props

[PancakeBrah]

Feeling depressive, are we?

The world passes me by, is that cliche to say?
But I was born a cliche, my Father, he played away
My Mother, she slaved each day, raising her brood
While being betrayed, every time he strayed
Each day she'd pray for a clean slate
Or a rebate from the hate she accrued

I like the opening line. "I was born a cliche." Cool. I stop here because the word rebate shouldn't be in this open mic, anywhere. I shouldn't think of mailing a receipt to Verizon when you're trying hit me in the FEELS. An instance of scheme over content, I think.

With every lady he screwed on every cheap date
I had to watch her vision of peace fade to grey
And see her struggle to deal with the grief day to day
Now they're gone, but these demons remain
My only inheritance, as piece by piece
...they decay.

I like the opening few lines of this opening salvo, but it kind of devolved into generic wording and platitudes as you tried to keep the scheme going.

Now the crowds gather as the clouds scatter
And the sun appears, I hear a couple cheers
People clutchin' beers, stuck in this loud chatter
Yet every voice is clear, ringin' in my fucking ears
I grimace apologetically to the others on-board
To some it's untoward...
To me, it's just a regular summer, on tour

Last two lines here are good. 'To some it's untoward...', placing that as a standalone line. Good stuff. The rhymes were more complex here than in your opening, yet you were able to keep the wording and content sharp. Stark difference.

Foolishly hoping I could escape here as a regular joe
My disguise, glasses, hat, fake beard - I made it at home
But it failed just like the others so away it gets thrown
In to the trash, and out comes my more famous disguise
Blinding smile, little wink - to hide the disdain in my eyes

I don't think you needed 'in to the trash'. Redundant. The idea of your public persona being a mask isn't a new one, but the execution made it fresh. Cool.

The pain of my pride, the price I pay to be famous
The hate of each face from these snakes that stay by my side
Follow me here, follow me there, to get a little taste of my high

Great last line. You really found the voice of the character with that line. Instead of telling us how fucked up the narrator is, you showed us. I can hear the exact tone of the 'follow me here, follow me there' and see the sneer that goes with it, perfectly.

Use me to ignore the fact that they've wasted their lives
Fat fucks, tho not quite as overweight as their wives
They love me now, tomorrow there'll be a change in the tide
And you'll see all these little fucking rodents changing their mind

Same as the above. Good.

They're the reason my brain is full of hate, and I'm blind
To the joys of life, and I'm stuck in this maze and confined
To this jail, though deep down I know a lot of it's self inflicted
Still, I can't help but hate them for staring...
...While I'm locked in this cell, restricted.

I used to hear her sit and pray, to instill in me the fight
To make it through each bitter day, she'd sing to me at night

"Fly my precious little dove, escape the tears and pain
Spread your wings and soar above, the hate..the fears...the strain
Show the world your beauty, let them hear your soothing song
And when the crows attack, persevere and prove them wrong
Fly through the swarm of hate, and the eye of the storm
Fly through the dark of the night 'til the sight of the morn
Soar though they gossip, and soar though they lie
Just soar my precious little dove...keep soaring in the sky"


For some reason I read "though they gossip" and "though they lie" as "through" and I liked it more that way. Not saying anything bad, but it's a device I might use later or something. Solid little vignette, kind of the heart of the piece, thematically, I suppose.

She slept a light and lonely sleep, but tried to show me peace
Her life a slow release of strife with no reprieve
Her soul recedes beneath a life of cold deceit
She said my eyes could warm her heart...
...with their bright and glowing heat.

So I sang, and I flew, to banish the blues

Just want to say you have a knack for catchy opening lines, with this, the opener for the stanza above, and the opening line of the piece.

The future my goals, the past was the muse
My picture flashed on the news, an icon
Night's long, relieved of the pain, it's bygone
The hottest man alive, scorchin' like the sun
And with each new album...
I spread my wings and soared to number one
But friends are fickle, fans are cheap
And all these drugs bring a lack of sleep
They roar, they shout, they scream and cry
But what they really want is me to die
They mobbed me today, but they won't do it again
I'm sick of their love, I feel abused by the fame
They pray for my fall, they hope for my demise
And all I can see is a rope...in my cold and lifeless eyes

Mother, you somehow showed me only peace
Within the gates of hell
You shielded me from stormy seas
When the waves of hate would swell
You showed me the kiss...
...even though the punch was all you knew
But you fell from a broken love...
...and now your dove has fallen too.

Sold enough ending.

There were some really strong ideas and sections here, and overall I enjoyed the piece. Thanks for the read.

[Witty]

Thank you my friend, anything i can rtf on? @Dancake

collab perhaps?