happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing i know

[dead man]

i think you stopped right where you begun to hit your flow state. it seemed that way to me at least.

your section on staying faithful to your woman was interestingly phrased, lots of cool visuals and self reflective processes going on here. airs winter / hairs thinner might have been my favorite little section. for some odd reason.

if 3 insane people speak with one another they are the baseline of sanity. as the old trope goes.

i'd like to revisit this and break it down a bit. i'm gonna sit with it for a while now.

thanks

[PancakeBrah]

Really good.

[Eŋg]

cheers ex, black and dancake.

[Geno]

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[Eŋg]

Originally Posted by White Earl

Your shit flows but it doesnt. Idk.

@Pakistani Hand Cannon also said this

i haven't figured out why yet

[Inno]

love this. you one of my favs english

[Objective]

This was dope as fuck. Agree with you Inno, one of my favs on here as well.

writing’s cathartic as cliche as night is to darkness.
my life’s in a harness: wife’s trying to harvest
a slice of what’s most ripe in my garden
^This stuck out the most to me. Piece as a whole was solid but this right here hits you right in the gut with excellent penmanship to top it off.

In terms of rhyming but doesn't, I got a thought in terms of rhymeschemes as it seems to break up the flow here and there. Y'all are more experienced than me tho, so correct me if I'm wrong:

over my armoury’s lot - would i rather be unarmed?
probably not. honestly? i’m not honest. i’m not.
^But here, after "Honestly?" it starts with I'm instead of -ot word. Not that it has to, but since it continues from words like "armoury's", "Probably" and then another "-y" word comes along. Brains seem to get caught up in patterns and places like here the pattern is "broken", ye, it still rhymes and follows a certain but flow but during a read it breaks it up without meaning to do so. Even if you did mean to switch up the flow a bit the brain don't want that yet? Idk, just some thoughts, I might be wrong.

The syllabic pattern here is good but relies on nursery rhyme (or using a word twice despite being a very good place to do so):
or reason to better… myself or simply reason! unfetter
the chains of thought and ease all the pressure

Again, it rhymes but like earlier perhaps too many instances of not perfect rhymes makes the flow line up but the rhymes dwindle in effect here and there & vice versa with my earlier example, causing the effect of what white earl speaks about when he says "Your shit flows but it doesnt. Idk." It could very well be a style choice as well, I don't find much fault with it personally but thought I'd air my thoughts in case it'd bring some light to anything

[Pakistani Hand Cannon]

thanx for the feedback bruddahs

i wrote this

[Pharaohs Army]

Really solid man...
A true open mic / life lesson's observations/questions... and the depth/verbiage of & quality spoken word - BUT with all the good hip hop elements of rhyme and rhythm...

Yes... some spots better than others, and I don't have time to break down like Activate, but just wanted to make sure I don't miss this..

I know we have our moments of awkward/ defensive posts and boarding...and you keeping me in check when I talk too much smack... THAT being said I always thought your writtens were well done and I usually learned from some punctuation or spacing/ fancy wording...

Have a good rest of the weekend

[Eŋg]

thanks. i'm unaware of any problem we may have had, i'm just a bit of an acerbic person.

[emcee squared]

up again

[emcee squared]

up for a REAL WRITER REAL HUMAN

[Alice]

Originally Posted by Geno

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