Week 5 - Innovator vs Pent uP - PU WINS

[Mike Wrecka]

Memo week 5.
Greetings competitors, we return to the style of the week 1 challenge. CONSTRAINED WRITING TASK WEEK, you are required to complete one of a series of difficult constrained writing challenges. Your specific task will be phrased in the negative as an instruction requiring some omission of a common writing aspect. You only need to meet your requirement, otherwise you can write about anything you like. Find below your match-ups and specific tasks.

Specific Task - Lipogram - No letter R

Verses Due - Wednesday 23:59 PST
Voting Period Ends - Sunday 23:59 PST

Good Luck @Innovator @Pent uP

[Inno]

This will be challanging...goodluck pent.

[Pent uP]

Insomnia

A blue LED set mood lighting - and played stupendously with the moon lighting.
It was a calm hue that made my heavy eyes move - tightening.
I felt too bided to fight it but my agitation soon heightened.
The back patio wouldve of been illuminated but the Oaks stood like obtuse giants
- casting shadows on half the deck. My imagination's outclassed itself -
Filling the outside with woods and wolves and assassin's steps.
Anything thats casting death, each gasp and belch - feeling that obsessed.
Old saw logs was at it again - and I was going to snap that neck
and call it an accident...but then I'd be stuck using my hand.
I dont want my palm going bushy Magilla while im apeshit glued in this jam.
She tosses and kicks, spittle falls off the lips and flows into my own hand.
Even the Egyptian cat kneading can't save me in this tomb of the damned.
What do I do in the span of time until the sun is shining?
My fucking eyelids want to shut down - but the walls give me too much excitement.
It's easy to lie - on my back - quiet while keeping feelings inside.
If I dont smash the vehicle - then I guess I'll sleep when I die.

[Inno]

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
(the looting of earth)



The planets vision is of many views
many you' spewed of many hues.
You make up the makeup which
makes us, time is the cloth and you the stitch.
The glue of it, a song with a flawless pitch
of gods best angel disguised in sin.
At odds end but you define whats within.
Once again it’s the sins that weigh the soul down
but you hold stones, so whats a few added pounds?
So you backpack it down and hike the planet
hoping she'd give you blue skies but she does not plan It.
You cant stand it, so you cause havoc cuz you've had it
and so the hammocks stop swinging and the bad habits
start gleaming. You become something of a savage
so you stock with a lavish blood lust you cant seem to manage.

They say the sea doesn't match the depth you hold your soul in.
They say destiny condemns you to a bed that's molding
a scolding scene meant to poses devils and demon themes.
Though you find peace amongst the beast' sheet's
judgment is a deceit.
With consequence at defeat you pose with confident feet
mocking the seas and all you see of it.
Always taking, giving is something you cant seize from it
soon you will be deaf to the bees humming.
The leaves swinging against the winds chest
and the peddles pollinated with gods scent.

But you hold steady as the ship sinks to the bottom
with a collective push those alike help with the button.
An individual acting alone shadowed by those that follow
you act alone as do I, but collectively we become one shadow.
Shading this planet with the actions we commit
and when we sink fault is something we won’t admit.
Casting blame on the next and the next and the next
no end to this context we spew with content.
and though the situation is complex
we sit back and thinking this planet is constant.

[Certain]

Pent uP: This was a very good, brief glimpse into insomnia, a well-trodden topic. There was nothing particularly original, though the images you painted were strong enough to make that OK. Your rhymes were solid throughout, and you avoided using any R's but never let the verse feel as though it was missing something in the process. I don't have much to say other than, this was good.

Innovator: I'll come right out and say that your use of three R's was enough to lose you this battle. But I won't leave you with just that. This was good as a verse. It could have used more polish, but there were some really cool phrases and thoughts in it. The rhymes were a bit strained and simple. I think that's probably what's holding you back more than anything, which is not to say that your next verse should match Neighbor's stream of rhymes or anything. But I think with abstract writing, a higher degree of lyricism is appreciated. If you're telling a straight story, simple rhymes and schemes are more understandable. As far as this specific verse, the content was strong. The idea of feeling lost in the hugeness of the world, wildly insignificant, translated well. But I don't think I'm being unfair in saying that the task this week was not to use R's, and while you mosty did OK with that, you still used three. At such a sparing rate, you could have figured out ways around those uses. This battle would have been very close had you done that.

Vote: Pent uP

[Defy Gravity]

A blue LED set mood lighting - and
played stupendously with the moon
lighting.
It was a calm hue that made my
heavy eyes move - tightening.


I like it. sets the tone early


I felt too bided to fight it but my
agitation soon heightened.
The back patio wouldve of been
illuminated but the Oaks stood like
obtuse giants



dope visuals and wording A+



- casting shadows on half the deck.
My imagination's outclassed itself -
Filling the outside with woods and
wolves and assassin's steps.



this describes insomnia perfect. at night you hear all kind of shit when you cant sleep



Anything thats casting death, each
gasp and belch - feeling that
obsessed.
Old saw logs was at it again - and I
was going to snap that neck


don't understand



and call it an accident...but then I'd
be stuck using my hand.
I dont want my palm going bushy
Magilla while im apeshit glued in this
jam.



ok at best




She tosses and kicks, spittle falls off
the lips and flows into my own hand.
Even the Egyptian cat kneading can't
save me in this tomb of the damned.



I like it. more like your mind wondering


What do I do in the span of time until
the sun is shining?
My fucking eyelids want to shut
down - but the walls give me too
much excitement.


don't we just stare aimlessly at the wall as if its telling us something. brillant



It's easy to lie - on my back - quiet
while keeping feelings inside.
If I dont smash the vehicle - then I
guess I'll sleep when I die.

ok closer.






vs


Innovator your verse is too long to do a line for line break down. I like it but was lost in translation. looting earth was more of a travel piece with some abstract visuals. I like it but it failed to engage me. I read it twice and though you have talent i didn't find myself blown away but the verse. decent not great no offense. I noticed that you broke the rule but didnt hold it against you




vote=Pent more entertaining and had better lines/vocab at parts and more engaging

[Pinot Grij]

Innovator broke the rules.

Vote - Pent Up

[Aesthetic]

Pent uP:

Hey man, I gotta say I enjoyed it but in all honesty you didn't rhyme enough and felt like you missed a lot of pieces to the puzzle, even though it's constrained I feel like I couldn't even follow.

Innovator:

Very metaphysical and contrasting language you used; I enjoyed every piece of your 'piece' much better then punt'ups so I only have compliments for you lyrics. I would recommend however that you restrain from reacurring metaphors like.

judgment is a deceit.
mocking the seas and all you see of it.
deaf to the bees humming.
peddles pollinated with gods scent.
devils and demon themes.
bed that's molding
depth you hold your soul in.

I feel like you were very on top with the scheme but couldn't address more then 1 aspect of your topic.

V/Innovator

[PancakeBrah]

Pent uP;

Airtight. Probably the best verse I read this week. I'm wont to try and be an ass when voting but I thoroughly enjoyed this. People seem to equate verse length to depth and quality but a shorter and pointed verse can deliver a message and impression just as easily in the right hands. It takes confidence to do it, and you pulled it off. The imagery was top notch. This particular section;

The back patio wouldve of been illuminated but the Oaks stood like obtuse giants
- casting shadows on half the deck. My imagination's outclassed itself -
Filling the outside with woods and wolves and assassin's steps.
Anything thats casting death, each gasp and belch - feeling that obsessed.
Old saw logs was at it again - and I was going to snap that neck
and call it an accident...but then I'd be stuck using my hand.
I dont want my palm going bushy Magilla while im apeshit glued in this jam.

was re-readable ad nauseum. Well done.

Innovator;

To my own fault, this is the first verse I remember reading from you. I'm sure I've read some before, maybe even voted/fed. But this was at a much higher level than any forgotten piece I may have read. I'm starting to become disenfranchised with twists and cheap writing conventions on this site, and this verse fit my current mind state perfectly. Everything flowed with simplicity, but not simplicity from lack of intelligence but simplicity due to the fact that's just how it needs to be said. Your wording was crisp, and you held a constant point well throughout. A couple highlights;

but you hold stones, so whats a few added pounds?

They say the sea doesn't match the depth you hold your soul in.

The leaves swinging against the winds chest



This is the best matchup of the week. A writer's battle, as corny as that sound. I've flipped flopped in my mind a couple times. Innovator quite honestly shocked me with his quality and depth of thought. He moved up in my estimation of the writers on this site significantly. But Pent's verse left more of an impression, and his concise yet thorough tackling of his subject left me a bit more fulfilled. I'm not one of those voters who says each verse is good then votes for one person without meaning it. But this is the unique case where it's unfortunate someone has to lose. Good shit guys, a joy.

v/Pent.