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Old 04-05-2019, 08:22 PM   #1
Cereal
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Default Innovator VS Diablo - DIABLO WINS

Due next Saturday

16-24 lines (agree with opponent)

Topic:

@Innovator - @Diablo

Last edited by Inno; 04-13-2019 at 11:26 PM.
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Old 04-05-2019, 10:57 PM   #2
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@Diablo

Going 25
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Old 04-06-2019, 03:29 AM   #3
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PREPARE TO DIE FAGGOT
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Old 04-09-2019, 04:39 PM   #4
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@Innovator



”Accessory To Murder”


“Look what I’ve found!” I shot at my brother
as he studied the ground to see what I’d uncovered.
The solitary shutter snapped shut. Its weakening whizz whirred
while we both prodded its buttons to see if it still worked.
We could hear that its internal mechanism had screws loose at its essence
before the LCD on it blinked, bursting with blue luminescence!
The two of us pensively scrolled in amazement
as we thumbed through its collection of photographs taken.
We recognised most of the faces caught in the leer of its lens
noticing neighbours at social occasions, teachers, and friends.
The deeper our dexterous digits delved, the more we regretted us having so,
- because all these people were dead as evidenced in its camera roll!
The death of each tragic soul re-played as the images flashed
and I felt its metallic, cold, gaze turn colder still in my hands.
Within a flash our lives changed. We spent a minute stood motionless.
If the killer was at large, our fingerprints were all over it!
“Think for a moment,” “THINK?!” I spit with displeasure
“If we don’t go, and quick, we’ll be in prison FOREVER!”
The digital devastation droned as we’d headed home with it clutched
and hidden it cleverly in our garage, where no-one would look.
We kept totally shtum, as we had both promised we'd do,
so nobody could’ve known what was to come once we got in from school.
There was mom with the zoom lens, despite our pleas to get her to stop -
wanting a group selfie of us all to keep in her memory box.

*Click*

Last edited by Diablo; 04-10-2019 at 11:33 AM.
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Old 04-13-2019, 11:25 PM   #5
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Here I stand amongst the weeds and the grass
Sifting through time scratching at the hour glass.
I’m a pigment in a vast ocean of infinite rainbows
Set a top the highest peaks for a view of the angles.
Riding the winds through trees like dancing pollen
Reborn a new with morning dew and every sun set stolen.
Touching the heavens via fistfuls of waving clouds
The light amongst the dark between the moons doubts.
The dullest of grays i saturate with every shade or hue
Through my iris your lenses capture a point of view,
From the reddish sands to the vast ocean blues.

From your perspective I’m a thing of beauty, revered
A wonder to be hold in awe with purity cheered.
The essence of what you are, body and soul equally
stand side by side as they reap the benefits of my eternity.
With one had you salute and with the other hold the blade
Stomping upon my blood soaked soil like a morbid parade.
Feeding off the fruits I provide yet you starve and slaughter
Fighting amongst your selves for your sons and daughters.
Clawing at my surface trying to reach the pot of gold
Only to find out some one else has already, this land is sold.

You kill me with the simplest of gestures, a discarded plastic
Then pretend to protect but those actions resemble an antic.
You point your picture frames hoping to capture a glimpse
But when you adore as much as destroy you only become hypocrites.
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Old 04-18-2019, 12:01 AM   #6
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Okay, I'm gonna start this vote then come back to it later

thematically, I really liked both. Lars took the approach I would've expected (on its most basic level) in writing a story and gave it two twists in 20-ish lines. The plot here could easily be an episode of a twilight zone episode but he got everything he needed done in a short span without sacrificing much, aside from the ending (a little bit) imo

I thought Inno played with the reflection of the camera lens amazingly well. I really like how his piece was more about the big picture idea to be gleaned from this rather than a story - no disrespect to anyone who does stories, but they're what I come to expect - because to me, it didn't just take the topic and write about it so much as truly wrote to it


finishing this tomorrow

Edit: moving on

In technical writing, Lars really shined here. End rhymes were almost all on point, alliteration was used as a way to keep lines/concepts together without tripping over itself, and the inner rhymes gave it crazy flow. Innovator definitely had some quality and rhymes and alliteration, but it looked like he was more focused on getting the point across so there wasn't as much flair and flow to it. That said, with the message of his piece, I think erring on the side of too little embellishment is the right move

Then as far as development goes, I felt that Lars did a lot more to develop his starting off point. He had a plot that took a lars-esque twist, then gave it a twist ending to boot. The ending itself didn't wow me - I didn't see it coming, but something in the execution didn't do it for me - but it felt like a through and through well developed piece. I don't think Inno went too far into his angle, definitely painted a picture of exactly what he saw, but I found it to be a little lacking in development once I understood the premise

Enjoyed both of your takes, but I have Lars with more effective development of his ideas and a very technically sound read. Good shit guys

V/lars
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Old 04-18-2019, 12:02 AM   #7
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diablo:
really beautiful vocab used, the structure was nice to but it was your amazing vocab in this tale that brought it to life.. i really dug it you depicted turmoil in a family through one character from a photograph in need very well.. all the problems that bleed into them nice drop..

innovator:
very poetic, there was this whole strain of lines all tied to a delicate poetic tongue of a writers voice that really came across.. storywise the picture perfect aspect was dope it def was not drawn out and infact thrown as punchline perfectly.. all in all dope piece..

vote = diablo
close match but he just had a lil more prettier vocabulary.. g/l guys
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Old 04-18-2019, 09:56 AM   #8
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Inno edged this one out. In had no idea how hard the brother could hit (I'm impressed). Diablo's verse was quite condescending in a sense as though he was attempting to gathered kindergartens around on a rug to present story time (not my cup of tea).

*I will provide more detail in an edit when I get a chance.
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Old 04-18-2019, 11:16 PM   #9
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LMFAO @ Prepare to Die faggot...THE BRITISH ARE COMING!!


Inno - ‘Riding like pollen’ was dope, ‘Fistfuls of coulds’ too, also line sandwiched between. Damn bro, that first stanza was fire. Reminded me of that verse you did where you were inside a glass house, some vivid imagery in there. That first stanza was for sure the highlight of the verse. I think you lost track a bit, like you ran out of time. A concept of earth actually talking to humans is cool, but it all got muddled together and sandwiched and sort of just hidden inside what really could have been a special verse if given proper time. Basically, this read as an unfinished (potential) masterpiece IMO. But solid read through and through.


Clutter Buck - Solid read here. A story of a camera that has seen murders. It was never explained if it was owned by a killer or if it had magical powers and killed it’s subjects off or not. But the one brother did take a photo of his brother no? That’s how I read it in the beginning anyways, and he lived, so…In any event, rare hiccups in flow, and even the “hiccups” were superficial, likely due to your horrible accent :). Inno’s verse the only one I haven't read in this jam packed week, but yours is best by miles thus far.



vote - Diablo

Plain and simple, his was more of a finished product to me, though Inno really wasn’t that far behind save a few plot points sprinkled in for effect. Good shit boys, cheers
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Old 04-19-2019, 12:11 AM   #10
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diablo wins 4-0 flatline kill good win, great match
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