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Old 09-02-2013, 09:02 AM   #1
Mike Wrecka
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Default Week 7 - Nigma vs. Pent uP - PU WINS

Memo week 7.
Greetings competitors, we reach the penultimate week of competition. CONTINUOUS TASK WEEK, this week’s tasks will be familiar for many individuals; it’s essentially a phrase topic. Tasks were designed in a continuous format but competitors are not required to collaborate either in intra/inter contests. The task phrases themselves are clear and continuous but also ambiguous, you can respond holistically or directly to specific parts. Find below your match-ups and specific tasks.

Task - Who are they who came with you? Why is your vehicle damaged?


Good Luck @Nigma @Pent uP
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Old 09-04-2013, 07:04 PM   #2
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I'm going to need an extension. Good luck to you sir
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Old 09-04-2013, 09:21 PM   #3
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Take it

Ill be here tomorrow
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Old 09-05-2013, 11:02 PM   #4
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Rat Race

I'm riding with idiots - but I can benefit because they're paying my way;
And I'm expensive with high incentives - like broke women waiting on dates.
These cro-magnon descendants are seeming shady today.
I'm their financial adviser with exhibit displays to be paved.

The brothers I'm with are a set of twins and an elder to both.
They've invested in boats and made millions in speed sailing through coasts.
Now their interest in owning casinos has put my tail to their nose -
because they know I make shit happen fast, leaving trails full of smoke.
Inhaling, I choke as one twin passed an electronic cig full of hash.
I didn't react until they're laughing, telling me, "This is called Dabs -
because the littlest Dab will do you in, and yours was bigger than that."
These significant facts were withheld until my coughing and spitting attack.
Inches from crashing into a black Honda Civic hatchback
but then I lifted the gas just in time - within an inch of their ass.
As I recover, I sit and look at these twin bitches and slap
both in one motion like Three Stooges, while the other records it with his iPad.
The twins are named Chad and Jake, the oldest brother is Steve -
The punishment team - and hustling all three is usually too much for one being.

Unmarried with money, plus they're still hungry and compete to make profits.
The annual winner gets hand fed a dinner and gets to choose cheesy ass garments.
One year Steve was the hot shit and dressed them like queens of the mosh-pits;
Using ping-pong paddles in full swing to smack bros, being extremely obnoxious.
Winners also decides the next business venture they will consider to enter -
and if they agree, that one controls the keys and gets fifty percent from the center.
This year is for Chad: his wish is to bath daily in dirty bitches and cash.
These physical facts give an extension to my legitimate traps.

I pimp through contracts and this one will snatch seven figures in fees -
Billed from my team with the resources to build them a dream.
No criminal schemes, but we're con artist without subliminal themes -
Convincing their needs to spend their capital and risk everything.
That's the plan of the night and I've set their sites on hotels off of the strip
of Las Vegas. "This can be yours if you're spending costs will permit."
...Talking like this to wealthy men is worse than stalking their kids.
I bait the big fish, then all of them bit from my fraudulent lips.
Chad jumps out the ride pumped up to buy; anxious with nothing to hide.
"I want this one guys!" He screams fiercely like it's a building he hunted that died.

A truck barely misses as he French kisses the exhaust that it leaves
and has an asthmatic attack with pauses to breathe as he falls in the streets.
Calling for me to save his life and without stalling, I swing -
Busting a U-turn in Vegas traffic; drunkards honk and they scream.
At the wheel with precision for this deal that I'm hitting until I feel their submission.
I have one in the box, but my gunning won't stop until I'm sealing Chad's wishlist.
Steve picks up his bro so we can get out and go to our Bellagio suites,
Then stop for some drinks, massages from freaks before dropping to sleep.
Iin front of the driveway, I give my keys to the valet and we proceed with our baggage -
When I see this new Grand Prix speed through the alley like this is feeding his passion.
Breaking at the side of my car; screeching in madness.
I'm waiting for him to hit my ride so I can hit his eyes because he's needing his ass kicked -
but his steering is perfect as he slides next to mine really weird like a serpent,
gives his keys to the other valet, then disappears from the surface.
I turn around, happy about all the eerie escapes.
Then I'm hearing my breaks and a loud crash with a single tear down my face.
I keep it pushing, not even looking as Jake and Steve start to put them
into headlocks, while Chad punches their heads like he's beating some cushions.
No charges are filed; Steve even gets our rooms free as he argues with guile.
The valets are parting with smiles and blackened eyes seeing stars in the isles.
In trying my sales, I avoided all accidents while driving through hell
but they couldn't get ten feet away before the left side is impaled.
My mind is derailed, I take a few more Dabs and drink designer pale ale.
Jake states, "God has a sense of humor and is ironic as well."

Last edited by Pent uP; 09-06-2013 at 12:14 AM.
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Old 09-06-2013, 01:27 AM   #5
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The Prophecy

"Beware the beast man, for he is the devil's
pawn. Alone among God's primates, he kills
for sport, or lust or greed. Yes, he will
murder his brother to possess his brother's
land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for
he will make a desert of his home and yours.
Shun him. Drive him back into his jungle
lair: For he is the harbinger of death"


The water glistens crimson as the sun is rising
Nothing like the coming light, at once it brightens, dusk horizons
Touch the iris, see the seeping steam emitting up and skywards
Lovely pattern that grabs and has us up and atter
I'm the master of our tribe, design the monthly patterns
Ration corn, surviving all our coming battles
Nothing damps us, nothing bad can come to man who understands there's something after
Fact is, no one comes and lasts
They crumble and succumb to blackness
Us though, we're the sun in action
Lunar light like dungeon lanterns

Soveirgn, self sufficient
And we need no help or gifts
From those who walk the outter limits
Since our food is grown in ground
And in pools swimmin round are fishes
Proudly fishing, passin down our wisdom
It's our crowds rendition with unspoken vows to give it
See it's peace and utopia
At least until the omen comes
The noxious foes who walk on the ocean
Common folk are not to know the topics which the prophets spoke of

Our herds and firs will burn, I'm certain love has been slaughtered
I heard his words which murmured murder, blood on the water

And so I counted three suns and then I rose for its rising
Saw the cloud attached to treetrunk on the boat they were driving
Our people woke to find a sight we know that no one could hide from
We saw the God's on the horizion, gave a moment of silence
Three of these marine machines and we were happy to see them
So named La Pinta, then The Nina, and the Santa Maria
People ran up to greet them, patter of feet as we managed to meet them
Some of us laugh, some stare
The hats, the hair, the pants they wear, advanced appearance
Fear sweeps in the moment local tribesman Copa's stabbed and murdered
Knee deep with his hands in fists, brandishing his ample gifts
He spent his last ten minutes gathering a package for his acrid guests

Half our tribe now ran and left, some savage man would grab their wrist
While brandishing a magic stick, instant later hands would twitch, hacked to bits
Left us beaten half to death
As hazards end, they grabbed what they could take back to their boats
They claimed us as their slaves, and this land as their own
A label they were taking onwards back to their home

In the coming months of freedom something stirred in the night
Lifes speed seemed to rise with the evenings of light
Helped me clean out my vision like it's sleep from my eyes
Familiar grief in my mind, see them deep on horizon
The Red and the White..
My tribes way of living was ending tonight
White men fufilling whats said by our wisest
Yet they mention no lie
No pretend or disguises
You bend to the deity heavenly rights
Or get sent off to die by the end of the night

With the chill of cold on my back, I am baffled
They kill us for gold and the land for expansion
Belittled by the facts a fellow citizen was stabbed
Because the wicked went and grabbed what we would give them if they'd asked
So I am mimiking the sand the way I'm filling up with passion
I advanced into the distance to the captain and resiliently I asked
"Is you ship at dock in bandages?
With it you've walked a path
To which is drifting off in blackness"
I then proclaimed myself as leader of a land that was smoldering
He cleaved off sleeve on, amputating the hand I was holding

I'll be the among the first, they let us die
Such vengeance, just a genocide
And 95% of my descendants will be next in line
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Old 09-06-2013, 08:46 PM   #6
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sick battle dudes

pent uppers - really like this piece. it was extremely descriptive. you created characters and gave them all personalities and backgrounds. which is dope. i have to say the story progressed well, and i understood where it was going the whole way but i was a little confused about the narrator character. who was he exactly, why was he with these people and what did he want from them was not clear to me. which detracted from the otherwise great storytelling. maybe i missed it, i read it once but it should be clear to me and its not. structure wise , it was really good, especially considering the storytelling content of it. good work

nigam - really liked that obscure and abstract first stanza as an introduction. you had the big reveal that we were reading the story of columbus from the indians perspective at just the right moment. i actually went back and re read from that la nina line and it was even better. you structure and flow changed sometimes drastically between stanzas and i didnt like that so much. but i really like the concept and it was well done. compliant is that you went very abstract on a real and well known topic, which i liked alot , but you made the piece to long. an abstract storytelling piece like this needs to be a bit shorter because after a while it all started seeming just vague. and meaningless. which i know it wasnt but towards the end it felt like it. but two thumbs up dude good job


real close battle. pents better format and complex structure and character development, vs nigs better concept and at times beautiful way to describe things we all know so well

fuck iono really i gotta go with pents, it didnt have as many flaws. it was more consistent. nigmas had some spots i didnt love. thanks for the reads fellas

vote- pents
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Old 09-07-2013, 07:31 AM   #7
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Ok so my vote will not match the effort you guys put into these verses so apologies but I'm on my mobile and trying too feed the nipper.

This was an amazing battle though slightly overwhelming in size. Both felt they could of been cut a little in places. The story telling from pent was sublime and kept me engaged through out which helped with some nice internals specifically in the opening verse. Flowed nice and was descriptive and interesting. Enjoyed the take on the concept and was a solid piece. Nigma came with his usual self making poetry engaging with some great abstract writing and with visuals painted picture perfect. You came with some really nice vocabulary in places and this helped with some nice rhyme schemes.

Where you differ for me was that I found pents flow really rolled of the younger where nigma came a tad choppy in places and I just didn't feel the flow in some areas specifically with the some what random changes in rhyme scheme in places.

For this I'm voting pent

Gl to both was a top class battle - pm me if you need me to elaborate anything you disagreed with and want more clarification

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Old 09-09-2013, 02:42 AM   #8
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Pent uP: It takes a lot to create a story like this from scratch with so many moving parts when you're dealing with this format and line limitations (not from the league but for the reader). Overall, your effort was good. But there were some flaws and sticking points that made it a bit jumpy, especially the first time I read through it. The second, knowing the pieces that were in place, I could put together images more easily. But for instance, you opened the story saying "I'm riding with idiots," and it's not until about 12 lines later that we learn you're the driver. The rhymes were all over the place. Sometimes they were perfect, sometimes they were forced and sometimes they didn't match up. But I have to give you credit for telling a story with a lot of loose details and characterizations to build into one verse. I wish the action would have went in a clearer direction, as there didn't really seem to be a purpose to the story or a logical end point. And why end on a cliched quote that seems both out of context and unlike what the character would say? It would have been better to end on the penultimate line. The entire verse felt like the first draft to something that ends up better.

Nigma: The Planet of the Apes prophesy to start your verse really threw me off because I recognized it and allowed it to change how I read the verse the first time through. I guess I was disappointed that it was just cribbed into a story about Native Americans, then. I thought you could have done something more creative with the approach. But the writing was spot-on. You used a wide variety of rhyme schmes, going with all sorts of techniques. But the writing stayed clear throughout. I thought the writing here clearly outstriped the content, which isn't ideal for a topic such as this one. But I'm going to twist that by saying that this was a really good approach to the topic. In comparison to Pent uP, who went for a straightforward narrative directly relating to the topic, you went for a more creative approach that still dealt with it. I think you should have incorporated more of the second part of the question, but I appreciated the effort to go beyond the obvious. But mostly the writing won this for you.

Vote: Nigma
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Old 09-09-2013, 11:08 AM   #9
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"Who are they who came with you? Why is your vehicle damaged?"

^ When making this topic I was thinking about E.T.'s. All the topics this week were in some way related to thinking about E.T.'s. So you can imagine the surprise to find such varied interpretations of the topic stimulus.

Firstly, Pent uP I gave your submission a skim through because it looked quite long just to get familiar with it. Then came a detailed reading, the striking feature is the driving force of the story comes not really from the actions described, but rather from the implied relationships between these characters. It was very interesting how you were using the action not to further the story but to explore this dynamic between the four individuals. The character of the driver is I suspect deliberately plain, the kind of everyman character which works well as a blank canvas. The three brothers are in comparison well developed and varied, their interplay with the main character is the highlight of the submission.

Secondly, Nigma I enjoyed it a lot, but perhaps the lack of definitive place or time was slightly disappointing. Maybe you intended it to stand as a warning against all forms of colonialism etc but I kept on reading hoping for a stronger setting. There are clues like the ships called "La Pinta, then The Nina, and the Santa Maria" - perhaps Portuguese or Spanish ships, but it is nothing conclusive. Also, the extreme violence from the colonizers seems unrealistic and a bit underdeveloped. It felt like a missed opportunity to explore the interplay between 2 completely alien cultures, themes of disease, technology, culture shock all felt unexplored. There is also some minor issue with proofreading, "Soveirgn" stood out, its nothing actually taking away from your message but it does distract a little.

If either wants a greater analysis there is more content in the upcoming weekly memo in your respective review sections. Voted for Pent uP.
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