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Old 03-02-2021, 01:22 AM   #1
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Default PLAYOFFS ROUND ONE: #6 BROKENHAL0 vs #11 CANDY HAL0 ADVANCES

AOWL Season IX PLAYOFFS ROUND ONE


Verse Due: SUNDAY MARCH 7th @ 11:59 PM EST


Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

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Old 03-02-2021, 01:55 AM   #2
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Old 03-04-2021, 10:52 PM   #3
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VIBE
..

The subtle white stained yellow teeth grit
With cuddled sighs sprayed follow me bitch
Bubbled but not notched too tight for wear
Dress drowning in puddles waving share
From lair to liar and sounds of fire
Hired for hooker bound to tired
Pair of ancient character antics
Panting fair maiden i'm pedantic
Yet flair with no less then yes rape me
From the shape of sanity shaved safely
I am who I am in crowd free
Still with the breeze of sexual being
I'm nor broke though wrenched wretched when bent
I reject period unless in sex
A seemly silly silhouette wet
Starring down stars stepping up stairs left
These worlds my stage, the streets my pig pen
My souls the ink that tick tocks like big ben

Let me ascend from a dream of once
And die in a nightmare not touched

The End
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Old 03-05-2021, 05:28 AM   #4
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''Missed Signals"

The guilt is what killed the hope
the illusion of fear trapped in another pulse
we been adults the difference is I feel more cause I did the most
she says by causing pain I kept her close and it's all in vein
yea it's all a shame let's test the dose

Sometimes I look into her eyes,
And then I wonder what she would think about my lies
scrutiny that is shy , curved hips she can't disguise
maybe it's just my inner child , buried within a fire
the signal became a sigil of desire, making life worthwhile
Why is it so hard for her to decide who she loves more
Dancing half naked on the pub floor , or shoplifting at the drug store
she loathes abasement , only if I known who to love more

Another spawn who's birth is a after thought
homeless youth drinking a milk shake float vanilla based and flavorless
in city streets the wind lifts her skirt cat called by day laborers
she heard it all pussy is a magic 8 ball, takin' notes on how to win,
she ascended to a newer friend , and your chances of predictive text
got ruined again, by a hooligan hoola hooping your heart
her sleeves where turned up from the start , I wear mine on the collar

That scary love, never get married love , so many live in a happy front
it made me think to those days in tunisa , where I met a sufi seamstress
her magnetic frequency began diluting my genius
fooled me into losing my features , mandrake roots used intravenous
bathing in a pond full of leeches , laying naked bleeding like jesus
amidst the blooming ceders , back in the streets of new york
shes choosing between us , are you a leader or just a lab rat
I turn that vibe into the abstract , you can have that
how did a simple date , turned my place into a hazmat
called her back and said honey 'I ain't clearly retarded'
she hung up with a flash I guess that how we dearly departed ...(smiles)

Last edited by brokenhal0; 03-05-2021 at 05:34 AM.
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Old 03-05-2021, 06:28 PM   #5
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Candy
Quote:
The subtle white stained yellow teeth grit
With cuddled sighs sprayed follow me bitch
The first line is dope. I like the descriptive language. However, the wording in the second line is...well...clunky.

Quote:
Bubbled but not notched too tight for wear
Dress drowning in puddles waving share
From lair to liar and sounds of fire
Hired for hooker bound to tired
The rhyming is pretty cool. The imagery has its moments. For instance, "Dress drowning in puddles" is visually creative content. But as a whole this reads synthetically ambiguous, in my opinion.

Quote:
Pair of ancient character antics
Panting fair maiden i'm pedantic
Yet flair with no less then yes rape me
From the shape of sanity shaved safely
I am who I am in crowd free
Still with the breeze of sexual being
I'm nor broke though wrenched wretched when bent
I reject period unless in sex
A seemly silly silhouette wet
Yooo Cady man..Idk what to say here. This entire portion seems to lack synthetic clarity, phonic spacing, and grammatical awareness. It's kind of all over the place in terms of...well..everything really. Most notably however, is the rhyme scheme. You jammed way too many syllables into each line, to the point that the "flow" is completely void of any fluidity or rhythm.

Quote:
Starring down stars stepping up stairs left
These worlds my stage, the streets my pig pen
My souls the ink that tick tocks like big ben

Let me ascend from a dream of once
And die in a nightmare not touched

The End
Hey bro you're a treasure to the site, truly. One of the coolest and most genuine members around. BUT...I honestly have no idea what I just read here.

Brokenhal0
Quote:
The guilt is what killed the hope
the illusion of fear trapped in another pulse
we been adults the difference is I feel more cause I did the most
she says by causing pain I kept her close and it's all in vein
yea it's all a shame let's test the dose
Okay, cool intro. I'm feeling the rhymes. You threw a little bit of heart and emotion in there. I like that. The story itself seems sort of blasé, but let's see how it unfolds.

Quote:
Sometimes I look into her eyes,
And then I wonder what she would think about my lies
scrutiny that is shy , curved hips she can't disguise
maybe it's just my inner child , buried within a fire
the signal became a sigil of desire, making life worthwhile
Why is it so hard for her to decide who she loves more
Dancing half naked on the pub floor , or shoplifting at the drug store
she loathes abasement, only if I known who to love more
The highlighted portion seems redundant, as opposed to a callback meant to emphasis a point or reoccuring theme within the story. Everything else tho was pretty much fire. Speaking of fire, that fourth line was scorching. And the second to last line was crazy in terms of imagery and insight. Very personable writing.

Quote:
Another spawn who's birth is a after thought
homeless youth drinking a milk shake float vanilla based and flavorless
in city streets the wind lifts her skirt cat called by day laborers
she heard it all pussy is a magic 8 ball, takin' notes on how to win,
she ascended to a newer friend , and your chances of predictive text
got ruined again, by a hooligan hoola hooping your heart
her sleeves where turned up from the start , I wear mine on the collar
It's like a smorgasbord of imagery. I dig it. Reminds me of Banksy for some reason. Or even Sex in the City meets How to Make it in America. Don't ask me why, cos I don't know. It's interesting, tho.

Quote:
That scary love, never get married love , so many live in a happy front
it made me think to those days in tunisa , where I met a sufi seamstress
her magnetic frequency began diluting my genius
fooled me into losing my features , mandrake roots used intravenous
bathing in a pond full of leeches , laying naked bleeding like jesus
amidst the blooming ceders , back in the streets of new york
shes choosing between us , are you a leader or just a lab rat
I turn that vibe into the abstract , you can have that
how did a simple date , turned my place into a hazmat
I think you channeled your inner John Lennon here. It has a very urban bohemian undertone to it. Not sure if that even makes sense. But those are the words that come to mind while reading this verse. Also, that whole section was fuckin fire!

Quote:
called her back and said honey 'I ain't clearly retarded'
she hung up with a flash I guess that how we dearly departed ...(smiles)
Welp, shit happens.

VOTE
So one of the things I found most interesting about this battle is the fact that both of you are typically known for having an abstract or avant garde style of writing, as opposed to a traditional or straightforward approach to storytelling. However, in this battle I can see where you each honed in on the latter approach. Pretty cool to observe. Anyway, I'm going to cast my vote to BH0. I like how he littered his verse with poetic snap shots that offered insight and tiny backstories all on their own. Plus, his wording was clear and his technique was on point. Candy's you're a gem and consistent participant, but you need to tighten up on the clarity and progression of your storytelling.
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Old 03-09-2021, 02:08 PM   #6
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Candy:
I think if you sat down and focused from start to finish you could write a compelling narrative with a great storyline and awesome characters. I think you’re too keen on writing things “your way” which there is nothing wrong with, but I don’t think it translates over well to a competitive platform. It’s all just free thoughts, keyed up and with no real sense of direction. I like your vocab and sometimes the imagery is nice but there’s just no real purpose to it it’s just words spewed everywhere . Hopefully that makes sense. I’m not trying to be harsh, just realistic

Hal0:
I think you’re a good model for what Candy should do. Your styles used to be very similar. Now look at you, there was some great writing here, the imagery you invoke is dope (I’ll display it in a future quote) but the progression of your writing is great this season and if there’s nothing else I’m impressed by this season it’s that at least. Loved the poetic language and just the overall tale you told.

That scary love, never get married love , so many live in a happy front
it made me think to those days in tunisa , where I met a sufi seamstress
her magnetic frequency began diluting my genius
fooled me into losing my features , mandrake roots used intravenous
bathing in a pond full of leeches , laying naked bleeding like jesus
amidst the blooming ceders , back in the streets of new york
shes choosing between us , are you a leader or just a lab rat
I turn that vibe into the abstract , you can have that
how did a simple date , turned my place into a hazmat

Everything from Sufi seamstress onward was amazing to me very strong writing. Great job man.

Rolling with Hal0 here, a lot more solid throughout

V/Hal0
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Old 03-09-2021, 03:55 PM   #7
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I thought I preferred candy but halo’s second half swung it for me

Vote - hal0
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Old 03-09-2021, 04:04 PM   #8
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thanks for the votes guys xoxo
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Old 03-09-2021, 04:57 PM   #9
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Candy - first line was dope, could have swung this hard if this kinda almost staccato flow kept going (does that make sense? it makes sense to me.) it starts to go downhill fast in terms of coherence, and loses touch with the topic imo. flow falls off.

broken - cool piece. not super strong particular, I liked "Dancing half naked on the pub floor, or shoplifting at the drug store", and I REALLY think that "bathing in a pond full of leeches , laying naked bleeding like jesus // amidst the blooming ceders , back in the streets of new york" could have been a centerpiece that developed another piece entirely. that imagery is almost overwhelming and could definitely be expanded on.

mvgt brokenhal0
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Old 03-11-2021, 11:05 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Candy View Post
VIBE
..

The subtle white stained yellow teeth grit
With cuddled sighs sprayed follow me bitch
Bubbled but not notched too tight for wear
Dress drowning in puddles waving share
dope rhymes in the first couplet. i can appreciate the precise wording, you're down to the syllable. in contrast meter in last line is off, which was kinda jarring after, but still like what you did. this is mostly story setup
From lair to liar and sounds of fire
Hired for hooker bound to tired
Pair of ancient character antics
Panting fair maiden i'm pedantic
same thing again. lead couplet strong rhyme, second is awkward. guessing this might be your rhymescheme or something. still keeping things very abstract, can't see your direction yet. part of this is line length. its forcing you to be economical with words. helps your wording but is hurting in terms of exposition. you might want to play around with this
Yet flair with no less then yes rape me
From the shape of sanity shaved safely
I am who I am in crowd free
Still with the breeze of sexual being
still doing the strong/awkward rhyme thing. the wording is getting a little looser tho. guessing you might have had some time pressure

I'm nor broke though wrenched wretched when bent
I reject period unless in sex
A seemly silly silhouette wet
Starring down stars stepping up stairs left
These worlds my stage, the streets my pig pen
My souls the ink that tick tocks like big ben
this section is nice. did a little style change and have some punch concepts. i see the alliteration and rhymes on point the whole way. your style seems to put more emphasis on rhyme than meaning in general, but you had a decent balance here

Let me ascend from a dream of once
And die in a nightmare not touched

The End
nice close. im still not sure what picture your topic was related to between the two. probably not a great feeling to have walking away from a topical, but i still enjoyed the read
..
You def have some skills. Rhymes and flow are on point. Would like to see more variety in your word choice in places. Don't need to be a thesaurus rhymer but interesting words are a powerful tool you can use to direct the readers attention. Story felt pretty abstract, but there were definitely several parts I enjoyed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenhal0 View Post
''Missed Signals"

The guilt is what killed the hope
the illusion of fear trapped in another pulse
we been adults the difference is I feel more cause I did the most
she says by causing pain I kept her close and it's all in vein
yea it's all a shame let's test the dose
nice rhyme scheme. line 3 feels a little wordy. nice internal syllable placement to carry some of the rhymes. setting up the story but still has abstract elements.

Sometimes I look into her eyes,
And then I wonder what she would think about my lies
scrutiny that is shy , curved hips she can't disguise
maybe it's just my inner child , buried within a fire
the signal became a sigil of desire, making life worthwhile
Why is it so hard for her to decide who she loves more
Dancing half naked on the pub floor , or shoplifting at the drug store
she loathes abasement , only if I known who to love more
liked the signal tie in. story development. i appreciated the 'building' scheme in the last 2. rhyming is ok here.

Another spawn who's birth is a after thought
homeless youth drinking a milk shake float vanilla based and flavorless
in city streets the wind lifts her skirt cat called by day laborers
she heard it all pussy is a magic 8 ball, takin' notes on how to win,
she ascended to a newer friend , and your chances of predictive text
got ruined again, by a hooligan hoola hooping your heart
her sleeves where turned up from the start , I wear mine on the collar
this was dope tbh. a lot of slick internal rhymes moving through a series of vignettes. don't like the collar end rhyme tho. like seeing the punchline style ideas but wording is super important for these concepts. magic 8 ball feels like something is missing. predictive text nice word choices.

That scary love, never get married love , so many live in a happy front
it made me think to those days in tunisa , where I met a sufi seamstress
her magnetic frequency began diluting my genius
fooled me into losing my features , mandrake roots used intravenous
solid tie ins. reads like you're feeling yourself, like the rhyme swag
bathing in a pond full of leeches , laying naked bleeding like jesus
amidst the blooming ceders , back in the streets of new york
shes choosing between us , are you a leader or just a lab rat
I turn that vibe into the abstract , you can have that
nice imagery to open. busy streets tie in. last 2, opener is cool concept not feeling the close. would have liked to see you expand on choosing/leader vs lab rat, thats a cool idea
how did a simple date , turned my place into a hazmat
called her back and said honey 'I ain't clearly retarded'
she hung up with a flash I guess that how we dearly departed ...(smiles)
ending is meh to me, but i assume you figured you did enough
Strong verse. Flexing some solid skills. A step back from your verse last week, but I feel like you might have just been experimenting with some things stylistically. Good read, looking forward to reading some epics from you.


Vote: brokenhalo Candy is a solid writer. They both have great rhymes, but I might even give the edge there to Candy (tho you're both doing different things technically so not a 100% fair comparison). But in most other categories: topic, vocab, story, depth I think halo is in the lead for this one. Candy I think you would have had a chance to win if you came at the topic a little more directly and got closer to halo in line count.
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