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Old 03-02-2021, 01:11 AM   #1
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Default PLAYOFFS ROUND ONE:#1 DIABLO vs #16 SYMETRIK DIABLO ADVANCES

AOWL Season IX PLAYOFFS ROUND ONE

@symetrik @Diablo

Verse Due: SUNDAY MARCH 7TH @ 11:59 PM EST


Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

Topic:



GOOD LUCK
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Old 03-02-2021, 08:27 AM   #2
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GAME OVER FAGGOT

YOU DEAD
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Old 03-02-2021, 02:43 PM   #3
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Check. Hey buddy
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Old 03-07-2021, 08:58 PM   #4
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Some of us have darkness.
Some of us had Light. (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=123118)
I like to keep mine bottled up,
but let off leash at night...

------ deep breath.

I really hope that she's not dead,
that's been in my head these last days.
terrible weather's a godsend,
rending a course when the mast breaks.

ca'ckle at bodies in sands, lain (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126548)
there puddled and dripping in red.
a crow rose light through the black shapes,
and I really hope that she's not dead.

a flash, back to the mossy dress. (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126608)
I quasi-wept for my lost Grace.
and "actually, the sun'll set"
has been in my head these last days.

her cancer was driving insane. (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=143517)
I hide in a world of pretend.
the sunshine was eating her brain.
this terrible weather's a godsend,

though not for the birds in my head. (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=143607)
they're flustered and battered by waves,
'til they sank to the bottomless depths.
rending a course when the mast breaks,

and Icarus renders in twain.
I've been begging her just for a breath,
or a nudge to believe that she's safe.
The shadows embrace me instead,
and I really hope...

I'm sorry I'm choked up.
I'm sorry I can't write.
I'm sorry I scream at the thought of your touch every damn night.

Je t'adore. Je t'aime.
Tu me manques. I'm ashamed.
I think that it's time to escape... who relates?

I can wait. I can hold.
I can talk with our daughter for comfort when cold.
If she can go sober, (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=123375)
then I can grow old.
If she can keep moving, then I can let go.

Some of us have darkness.
I've tried to let it show,
so hopefully you've seen me. (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126307)
Hopefully you know.

----

Much love.

Last edited by symetrik; 03-07-2021 at 08:59 PM. Reason: ignore the ', it ***s out "ca"ckle otherwise
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Old 03-08-2021, 01:53 PM   #5
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The three little pigs lay dead, tongues rolling out their mouths,
having been killed the instant I’d blown their houses down.
When you poke your lousy snout at a wolf and jeer it to bite
don’t be in the least bit surprised when you’re eaten alive.
The police are arriving as a wail of sirens pulls into view.
a younger me would run from pursuit; but I’m too long in the tooth.
I lick the blood from my putrid fangs so no remnants are seen at all
I can sense that he’s fearful of me before he even exits his vehicle.
The scent gives a clear and full picture of the trouble emerging
by allowing me to look at the person under the surface.
I study the burly officer, my narrowing-eyes in total control
as the policeman tries to go it alone and throw me a bone.
“Is nobody home?” he scoffs, surveying the destructive debris
I huff as I breath a heavy sigh, chest still puffed as can be.
I cover my teeth with my upper jowls to hide my intent
lowering my ears to the side of my head in silent contempt.
My puppy-dog eyes are effective tools to distract him with
The man’s convinced to lower his guard as I glance at him.
He gambled with “Are you A. Wolf?” as he brought me to question
and I scratch my chinny-chin-chin in thought for a second.
“Of course!,” I address him, a smile forms on my face,
though I’m still cautious of stating little more than my name.
I place my paws on the pavement, showing trust by sitting down,
with a nose as big and round as mine it won’t take long to sniff him out.
“The pigs were found dead this morning,” he daggers at me
My stomach gives a growl. I pretend I’m busied scratching a flea.
I stand to my feet feebly to make the floor show intrinsic
like poor old fickle Mr. Wolf wouldn’t hurt those little piglets!
The officer walks over instantly, forgetting the danger that dwells,
I did the same any self-respecting wolf would do:-
and ate him as well!
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Old 03-08-2021, 09:31 PM   #6
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What am I doing bere
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Old 03-11-2021, 11:11 PM   #7
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This is a really weird battle to vote on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by symetrik View Post
Some of us have darkness.
Some of us had Light. (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=123118)
I like to keep mine bottled up,
but let off leash at night...

------ deep breath.
cool idea. pic tie in. simple rhyming but well written

I really hope that she's not dead,
that's been in my head these last days.
terrible weather's a godsend,
rending a course when the mast breaks.
poetic but abstract. we've introduced a female character opposite the narrator, but neither char has been developed as yet

ca'ckle at bodies in sands, lain (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126548)
there puddled and dripping in red.
a crow rose light through the black shapes,
and I really hope that she's not dead.
foreshadowing of death. crow/***kle ties in with the linked piece

a flash, back to the mossy dress. (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126608)
I quasi-wept for my lost Grace.
and "actually, the sun'll set"
has been in my head these last days.
well metered but simple rhyme. abstract and poetic, we're revisiting the them of death and loss but haven't really moved the piece forward

her cancer was driving insane. (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=143517)
I hide in a world of pretend.
the sunshine was eating her brain.
this terrible weather's a godsend,
finally get some clarity on why she's dying. interesting metaphor with weather, but would have liked you to go deeper here around the meaning. callback to first stanze

though not for the birds in my head. (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=143607)
they're flustered and battered by waves,
'til they sank to the bottomless depths.
rending a course when the mast breaks,
[b]another repeated phrase. this would be more effective if the repetitions related more directly to the topic.[b]

and Icarus renders in twain.
I've been begging her just for a breath,
or a nudge to believe that she's safe.
The shadows embrace me instead,
and I really hope...

I'm sorry I'm choked up.
I'm sorry I can't write.
I'm sorry I scream at the thought of your touch every damn night.
this is interested conceptually but the piece is starting to feel rushed and repetitive

Je t'adore. Je t'aime.
Tu me manques. I'm ashamed.
I think that it's time to escape... who relates?

I can wait. I can hold.
I can talk with our daughter for comfort when cold.
If she can go sober, (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=123375)
then I can grow old.
If she can keep moving, then I can let go.

Some of us have darkness.
I've tried to let it show,
so hopefully you've seen me. (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126307)
Hopefully you know.

----

Much love.
all of this is interesting. but it feels like you are only skimming the surface with veiled references, and i don't see strong connections to the topic pic
This piece is epic in scope and I like the confidence you showed in taking on this sort of challenge. That being said there are a few things in the execution that I think feel short. The first and most important that this is a topical battle. Other than a brief reference about 'off the leash' you didn't utilize the topic well. Second, the connections between this piece and the ones linked were pretty light. It doesn't really justify the additional burden you're placing on the reader to absorb the full breadth of the piece. Third, if you take away the links and examine the piece on its own, it doesn't stand up as a very strong piece. It is well written but technically simple and without a clear narrative or goal. To make this type of approach work, it would need to be compelling for people who don't follow links, but use the links to add a 2nd level of depth for the people who follow them.

This was a good piece but it falls short of the full potential presented by the grand idea behind it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Diablo View Post

The three little pigs lay dead, tongues rolling out their mouths,
having been killed the instant I’d blown their houses down.
When you poke your lousy snout at a wolf and jeer it to bite
don’t be in the least bit surprised when you’re eaten alive.
nice start. grounded in 3 little pigs story which has obvious connections to topic. strong rhymes even if not worded the tightest. clever foreshadowing
The police are arriving as a wail of sirens pulls into view.
a younger me would run from pursuit; but I’m too long in the tooth.
I lick the blood from my putrid fangs so no remnants are seen at all
I can sense that he’s fearful of me before he even exits his vehicle.
story development. solid rhymes. long in the tooth is nice. decent word choice
The scent gives a clear and full picture of the trouble emerging
by allowing me to look at the person under the surface.
I study the burly officer, my narrowing-eyes in total control
as the policeman tries to go it alone and throw me a bone.
“Is nobody home?” he scoffs, surveying the destructive debris
I huff as I breath a heavy sigh, chest still puffed as can be.
I cover my teeth with my upper jowls to hide my intent
lowering my ears to the side of my head in silent contempt.
nice wording in general. you're hitting your stride with the narrative.
My puppy-dog eyes are effective tools to distract him with
The man’s convinced to lower his guard as I glance at him.
He gambled with “Are you A. Wolf?” as he brought me to question
and I scratch my chinny-chin-chin in thought for a second.
“Of course!,” I address him, a smile forms on my face,
though I’m still cautious of stating little more than my name.
I place my paws on the pavement, showing trust by sitting down,
with a nose as big and round as mine it won’t take long to sniff him out.
doing more wordplay concepts than usual. interesting. rhymes cool. story flowing
“The pigs were found dead this morning,” he daggers at me
My stomach gives a growl. I pretend I’m busied scratching a flea.
I stand to my feet feebly to make the floor show intrinsic
like poor old fickle Mr. Wolf wouldn’t hurt those little piglets!
The officer walks over instantly, forgetting the danger that dwells,
I did the same any self-respecting wolf would do:-
and ate him as well!
ending is a little bland and was telegraphed a bit. the rare Lars piece with no misdirection
This feels a little bit different from your normal style but is still signature Lars at the core. Story was pretty straight forward but well written and well rhymed. Ending was kind of a let down, but still a solid piece.


Vote: Diable If we're going purely on the pieces dropped and use of the topic, I feel like Lars took this one fairly cleanly. Better rhyming and clearer story. That being said the approach taken by symmetrik is pretty epic and he gets some bonus points just for the ballsiness of trying it. I think it was a cool idea, and might have been enough to steal a win if you had taken better advantage of the topic. As is, lack of connections to topic mute the impact of the grand scope of the piece and I think Lars did enough to win in that context.
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Old 03-12-2021, 11:58 AM   #8
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This battle is surprisingly close, with a more unfocused than usual Lars, and surprisingly well written Symetrik. I can see why people are avoiding it, I’ll try my very best to break this down and get the ball rolling.

Symetrik:
When I first seen your verse littered with links to other pieces, i was taken aback quite a bit. It looks, bad quite frankly, and your average reader won’t do all the extra research you’ve presented. (It’s me, I’m the average reader) but when you look beyond that, and the little grammatical errors along the way, this was a very strong piece of writing. I liked the way you incorporated some poetic elements. It drove home some repeating elements without being redundant

“ I like to keep mine bottled up,
but let off leash at night...

------ deep breath.

I really hope that she's not dead,
that's been in my head these last days.
terrible weather's a godsend,
rending a course when the mast breaks.

ca'ckle at bodies in sands, lain
there puddled and dripping in red.
a crow rose light through the black shapes,
and I really hope that she's not dead.

a flash, back to the mossy dress.
I quasi-wept for my lost Grace.
and "actually, the sun'll set"
has been in my head these last days.”

This was all really good to me. Pretty nice read, flowed along well.

Diablo:
This wasn’t the usual Lars verse, it was a little rushed (you were competing in rebuttal so I don’t fault you there) and honestly though it was technically sound, it just didn’t feel like it had been given the same tender care as your usual writing. There were still some high points, and the consistency is what sticks out here to me, the flow was impeccable per usual and the description was good, really liked the way you painted this scene

“ When you poke your lousy snout at a wolf and jeer it to bite
don’t be in the least bit surprised when you’re eaten alive.
The police are arriving as a wail of sirens pulls into view.
a younger me would run from pursuit; but I’m too long in the tooth.
I lick the blood from my putrid fangs so no remnants are seen at all
I can sense that he’s fearful of me before he even exits his vehicle.
The scent gives a clear and full picture of the trouble emerging
by allowing me to look at the person under the surface.
I study the burly officer, my narrowing-eyes in total control
as the policeman tries to go it alone and throw me a bone.
“Is nobody home?” he scoffs, surveying the destructive debris
I huff as I breath a heavy sigh, chest still puffed as can be.”

Really liked that segment, thought the verse kind of devolved towards the ending and it didn’t drop a bomb shell or anything, it just kind of happened. I think it could have been fleshed out more, so I wasn’t satisfied there but everything else was to my liking. Another strong verse.

This battle comes down to a couple elements, as much as I enjoyed Symetrik’s writing his story didn’t break any molds, Lars had a really cool concept this week, and for the most part did it justice. This was kind of a mash-up of style here and can be hard to judge for that reason alone but Sym had some slip ups, grammatically as well. I don’t know it just comes down to preference I liked Diablos originality, and preferred his story. If Sym faces a less seasoned battler he would have won easily.

V/Diablo
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Old 03-13-2021, 02:38 AM   #9
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I've gone back to the battle 2-3 times by now, read both submissions a few times. Written some stuff down and deleted it each time cus my opinion changed. I think it's super fucking hard to pick a winner in this. Symetriks creativity, heartfelt words and concept is so fucking dope vs a retelling of a story with a really dark twist,that's also dope. I keep going back'n'forth between the two. Diablo's story is fluent and beautifully crafted, Symetrik hitting the personal and emotional buttons and really put in some serious work that I find astounding as well. That's a heart bleeding words on paper right there, and it's fresh and inspiring to see in this league. Honestly I think this is the best battle of the league so far considering how close both are and the way they handled this topic. I'm leaning towards Symetrik, then I read Diablo and I'm leaning towards him and the cycle continues. And here we are.

Normally I loathe links in battles but if you are going to do it it gotta be for a solid reason and this kind of creativity puts it in the "when to break rules"-category.

I think I got to give my vote to Symetrik on this one. As much as I love Diablo's take, and all I can really say about it is that flips on stories have been done in other areas of entertainment and writing (unless referenced or not really crafted to that well) while I haven't seen anything like Symetriks approach. Each link tells a story too, how he views himself and what he's about to do/unleashe along with everything going on story-wise is incredibly dope to me. I'm interested to see how he'll do continuing the play-offs given that he'll keep giving his all, if Diablo go to rd 2 I can't wait to see what he cook up either. However:

Mvgt Symetrik for taste if I absolutely have to pick one, I love a bit of creative lunacy mixed with raw emotion. Tbh this is a tie if I ever saw one cus both verses excel in different areas. Concepts and ideas won't always be this good tho, Sym gotta step it up a little bit on "cleanliness" and certain errors like not using capital letters after periods etc. (I know most of you don't care but in voting, I do) cus had it been a lil bit worse my vote could/would have edged it in Diablo's favor. And I may have voted for Diablo if lines here and there wasn't too simplistic in execution and end rhymes (less is more to not tire the reader either before a bit more rhyme-heavy sections so I do see that as well) but that's extreme nitpicking cus seen it all/vehicle stuff balances it out in terms of the complexity shown. You guys went in
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Old 03-13-2021, 08:21 PM   #10
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Vote D.

Peep video for details.
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Old 03-13-2021, 08:36 PM   #11
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symetrik
Maaaan, listen we're all grown here. Nowadays most of us have careers, families, and social lives that absorb the majority of our time. And I think it goes without saying, that just reading a verse can seem like a hassle, and voting, an absolute chore. So with that in mind, I can't for the life of me understand why you thought it would be a good idea to force 7 additional verses on to your audience. Like come on man...who's really gonna read all that? The fact that this battle is the champ match, has been open for nearly a week, and almost no one has voted on it yet, should serve as a testament to what Adverse and I are saying. I mean, it's absolute overkill, to say the least. With all due respect, and I mean this sincerely, I hope that the verse you posted in this thread specifically can stand on its own, cause I honestly don't have time to read your entire anthology. Anywho. Let's get to it.

Quote:
Some of us have darkness.
Some of us had Light. (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=123118)
I like to keep mine bottled up,
but let off leash at night...

------ deep breath.
Cool tie-in to the picture. I like the sing songy cadence of the rhyme scheme, and I think you're off to a good start.

Quote:
I really hope that she's not dead,
that's been in my head these last days.
terrible weather's a godsend,
rending a course when the mast breaks.

ca'ckle at bodies in sands, lain (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126548)
there puddled and dripping in red.
a crow rose light through the black shapes,
and I really hope that she's not dead.
So as to not undervalue your concept, I did what I said I would not do, and that was...click on the links above. In any case, I read two of your previous pieces to see how it all interconnects. And man, let me tell you the truth...I'm not happy that I did. I mean they didn't offer much in the way of clarity. Primarily, because your writing here, and in those pieces, is poetically indirect...almost cryptic in narrative. I'm not quite sure of what's happening, nor the grand idea you're trying to convey.

Quote:
a flash, back to the mossy dress. (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126608)
I quasi-wept for my lost Grace.
and "actually, the sun'll set"
has been in my head these last days.
My honest opinion...all of this sounds great on the surface, but doesn't really add up to anything meaningful.

Quote:
her cancer was driving insane. (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=143517)
I hide in a world of pretend.
the sunshine was eating her brain.
this terrible weather's a godsend,

though not for the birds in my head. (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=143607)
they're flustered and battered by waves,
'til they sank to the bottomless depths.
rending a course when the mast breaks,

and Icarus renders in twain.
I've been begging her just for a breath,
or a nudge to believe that she's safe.
The shadows embrace me instead,
and I really hope...

I'm sorry I'm choked up.
I'm sorry I can't write.
I'm sorry I scream at the thought of your touch every damn night.

Je t'adore. Je t'aime.
Tu me manques. I'm ashamed.
I think that it's time to escape... who relates?

I can wait. I can hold.
I can talk with our daughter for comfort when cold.
If she can go sober, (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=123375)
then I can grow old.
If she can keep moving, then I can let go.

Some of us have darkness.
I've tried to let it show,
so hopefully you've seen me. (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126307)
Hopefully you know.

----

Much love.
Okay, I'm just gonna cut to the chase. This verse is boring. Way too much mysterious language that leads nowhere, except down the beaten path to a dead end. Way too much time and unnecessary research is required to fully understand it. And I've read it, idk, 5x over the last 2 or 3 days. Ugh yeah. Not my cup of tea. Sorry for being blunt.


Lars
I liked your rhyme scheme, novel-esque imagery, diction and clarity. How you left bread crumbs that related to the picture, and the metaphorical approach you took, even if it wasn't fully developed or fleshed out.

Vote: Lars
symetrik's you're a good writer. I usually enjoy your work quite a bit. So don't take my critic of this individual verse as an indictment on your overall ability or talent, because it's not. I just didn't like your approach to this particular topic. Nothing less, nothing more. Sorry for the short breakdown, Lars. I'm pressed for time. Peace.
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Old 03-13-2021, 09:24 PM   #12
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Old 03-14-2021, 02:39 PM   #13
evaD
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I liked what he did with the pic more. It read better. I clicked two of the links on the first one snd didn’t understand why they were there. The rest of it read ok but not as good as opponents.
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