WEEK 11: Inno (4-4) vs Symetrik (1-0) INNO WINS

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE

@symetirk

Max line: 30

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

DUE DATE: JUNE 24TH @ 11:59PM EST


Topic:

“You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore.” ― William Faulkner

GOOD LUCK

[symetrik]

chcek :D

[Inno]

In

[symetrik]

You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore.

a crow aboard Icarus, in rondeau redoublé

the crow Bijou ceased to beseech,
a timorous speech, seeking the half-truths
beneath a black mass of kraken-ish teeth,
seized Icarus, a tragedy past-due.

a shattering splash crashed brackish and blue,
and there breached, thrashing, a dragon-ish beast,
fastened to feet and beak seemingly glued,
the crow Bijou ceased to beseech.

unseen from under the shadowy deeps,
a flutter, a crunch, then suddenly food.
the wail of boatswain pales then peaks,
a timorous speech, seeking the half-truths

frantically grabbing at vanishing shoes,
mannequins lacking their muscle and meat,
of battling past a panicking crew,
beneath a black mass of kraken-ish teeth,

then quietly breathe. leviathan squeeze
hope, flickering scene to collapse to.
choking on mast-wood, and splintering beams
seized Icarus, a tragedy past-due.

a wave's brine lines this lagan-ish tomb,
where graves lie rotten but peaceful at sea,
softened and mauled, flotsam up through the gloom,
sodden and trawled as a cautioned debris,
a ghoulish cue that we never lose view
of the trees that grew like beacons on beach...

the crow Bijou ceased to beseech.

[Inno]

Extendo plz

[symetrik]

Originally Posted by Inno

Extendo plz

ight

[Inno]

13

Dirty diapers and caffeine, man those where long nights
Sitting amongst the shadows until the house echoed your cry’s
I would sit with you in the dark and tell you every story
You’d soak it up and fall so deep I swore I heard you snoring
With a tiny grip you hold my soul with little resistance
Something so small is now the biggest part of my existence
A future for me to mold but I fear I am not worthy of this gift
When just 9 months ago I was in disbelief and thought it was myth
Shit I think I’m stuck I should of left when I had the chance
Now I have to man up? But I’m barely old enough to be at this dance
And what of my future? I know I can kiss college goodbye
No time for education now, time to strap boots and get a 9-5
Trade in beer pong and parties, loose woman in thongs
To car seats and minivans, picking out my favorite soccer mom
No more staying out late with the guys for drinks and cigars
Instead I’ll be home hung over from cartoons and toy cars
This is a sacrifice I don’t think that I can make
I’m thinking I should just leave and disappear before she wakes
But as I look down into my arms where you snuggle
You look up at me with big brown eyes and it’s trouble
All my worries and doubts melt away in an instant
All of a sudden it all makes perfect sense as if it becomes instinct
I’ve been here since......

Destiny untold
The future hides in shadows;
You are my flashlight.

[Universe]

symetrik:

Cool little tale about a crew out at sea and being attacked by a kraken. But I think you learned way too heavily on rhyme schemes and multi's here - and it effected your story. Technically this was pretty good man, but last week you focused more on storytelling and it was a promising start. This week you are definitely technically sound but you lost something in the translation... heart. This seemed more cold and stagnant - where as if you would've brought the heart and pure storytelling ability from last week and put it into this cool tale of a shipwreck... it could've been great. As is though, I felt this was a little bit of a stumble in comparison... But not without it's high points. I'm torn with this one, I really am.

Highlights:

"frantically grabbing at vanishing shoes,
mannequins lacking their muscle and meat,
of battling past a panicking crew,
beneath a black mass of kraken-ish teeth,"

- This was on point flow and multi wise. Probably my favorite bar.

"then quietly breathe. leviathan squeeze
hope, flickering scene to collapse to.
choking on mast-wood, and splintering beams
seized Icarus, a tragedy past-due."

So... I liked this, symetrik. Just wish you focused a little more on the storytelling abilities you displayed last week. If you would've combined that with this more technical approach - forget about it. But still a solid effort here.

Btw, I don't ever want to see the word "beseech" again after this lol.


Inno:

Damn. You completely got rid of your usual style for this one and became a buttoned down member of our society lol - I loved it. I enjoy your poetic style but it's always a little bit of a strain to read, but this was straight forward and to the point and quite frankly, beautiful. Being a new father myself, I completely related to this and it tugged at my heartstrings. This may be my favorite verse from you yet my man. Only thing is, I kind of struggled to relate this to your topic. It seemed loosely connected, but you really had to draw some metaphorical conclusions to do it. Which, I suppose, in retrospect is the point lol. Fatherhood - Uncharted waters. I get it. Ignore me haha.

Highlights:

"With a tiny grip you hold my soul with little resistance
Something so small is now the biggest part of my existence
A future for me to mold but I fear I am not worthy of this gift
When just 9 months ago I was in disbelief and thought it was myth"

- This hit home for me.

"Trade in beer pong and parties, loose woman in thongs
To car seats and minivans, picking out my favorite soccer mom
No more staying out late with the guys for drinks and cigars
Instead I’ll be home hung over from cartoons and toy cars"

Nice little touch on the ending as well.

This was a good battle but I was really feeling and relating to one verse more than the other, so...

Vote - Inno

symetrik has a ton of potential but he ran into a roadblock here and couldn't get through. Thanks for the read you two.

[Johnny 6 feet]

symetrik- Damn, swim for the other shore and get eaten by a kraken huh? A very old format being used here that had an archaic charm that i found endearing. This is kind of thing you'd picture some medieval bard serenading a crowd with. Why do I suddenly want ale? Strong use of vocab and imagery throughout although I felt the repetition of some lines took away from the piece slightly. But this was an original take that stayed true to the topic. Very nice.

Inno- A personal touch in your submission which I'd bet my last coin that every new father can relate to on a personal level. You set the scene nicely and got inside the characters head right away. It was smooth sailing to read to from start to finish. His fears, ambitions and resignation really made him seem 3 dimensional before the heart warming punchline at the end that his daughter was truly his world. Put a smile on my face. Imagery was clear, vocab flowed nicely, no line was wasted. Great work.

Vote- Inno

[Artifice]

dopeness all-around in here...

Sym:

I really enjoyed this, especially upon a re-read. Agree with Johnny it's got this vibe of a medieval/renaissance vibe to it, but I also felt tinges of Poe's The Raven, maybe because of the crow and the call-back to the initial line, either way it was good. I don't think you had to forfeit too much story-telling to keep your scheme, I think the angle you chose limited how you could develop your story... and given the angle you took, I thought you did a good job. On a purely technical/mechanical level, this was smooth as fuck. The a/b/a/b rhyming mixed with the internals had the cadence bouncing nicely. Language also helped paint a picture of the story, well executed.

Inno:

damn, you pulled on the heart-strings with this one. You took a slightly more literal approach to the topic but twisted it using a part of the human condition I think we can all relate to (even if we don't have kids). A standard-ish story but you gave it enough personality that it didn't feel formulaic at all. And the ending was solid, had a touch of that poetic vibe we know you for.

Overall, I think this is a closer battle than the votes are suggesting, but that emotional hook Inno threw punctured, so...

v/ Inno

[Scar]

sym, this is pretty cool my man. never seen anyone implement a rondeau in a topical before lulz. to echo what the others have said, this had a very awesome classical feel about it. almost epic style. the story was i believe about the maiden of the icarus that was attacked by a sea creature and this was all witness by a crow. it had the nautical stuff that ties the verse in with the topic. i really like this man. good stuff.

inno, this was a lot more of a traditional verse than your opponent. very heartfelt, i believe its about your daughter or son? coincidentally i wrote a verse about my daughter a year ago lulz. yours is better though. like i said, the story is heartfelt and certainly tug on my paternal string so thanks for that. The flow although clean, it lacked in stronger techniques. a lot of these were end rhymes. Not that being all technical is the be all end all but it does help give it a more complete package.

vote/ Symetrick. I thought he took more risk and told a more interesting story. Even though inno won in the emotional category i really thought sym edged in just about everything else.

[Adverse]

This is a tough match to call because both did their respective tale/style with such skill. I'm a fan of both pieces, and sym has come into the fray as a late season entry showing lots of promise from seemingly nowhere. Reminds me of Scar earlier this year.

Sym - I liked your tale, as well as the poetic take you went for here, it's funny because you used Inno's usual style against him and he came out of left field here with something new. I liked your word choice and your imagery, really liked this vision of a ship being swallowed up by this creature, but as far as narrative-wise you kind of ran circles around this one event while I would have liked to see you advance the story a ways. Also I think repetition can be a great device but feel like it was a tiny bit overused here, which kind of brings me back to the point of running in circles storywise, but that's just my two cents was still an enjoyable read

Inno - Man this was dope, not only because you had hit us with a change up in style but I also think topic wise you were a lot more focused than your usual verses have been which are usually veiled in a kind of mystique with vague wording and distant imagery. Really liked how relatable you were here and the way you conjured up this simple scene but put so many layers into it. I really liked that. Only complaint was the end could have been more concrete but I let that slide.

I am voting for Inno here, I just found his narrative to be better developed and enjoyed his verse throughout. Good battle folks.

PS: Icarus being the ship's name brought me to back to Johnny 6's debut GWL verse with his circus performer Icarus. Cool little reminder there

[Adverse]

INNO WINS 4-1