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04-18-2016, 08:59 PM
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#1 |
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16 Reasons Sleep Is An Antiquated Art Form
Auto-biographical poem. Not intended to be the best flowing, multi filled piece. Feedback still appreciated.
Also several people have said this is dark, and it's true it is, however I'm fine now. Music helped me cope, releasing the emotions was a form of grieving and letting go. But yeah... It is kind of dark. One:
If I assassinate celebs and make a wish while shooting stars Could I borrow some red carpet to patch up this oozing heart Two: I think the clock hands are arthritic because time just never passes Like I'm falling through a black hole composed of cement and molasses My bad thoughts have formed a legion and I'm burdened by the bulk But when I exercise my demons I'm just haunted by the hulk Thanks. Three: I remember sitting at home crying just waiting for you to come back While you were out there in a parking lot sucking cum out of a scum bag I remember when I caught you breathe him life and me a gun blast And I wanted to confront you but all I managed was to run back. To the kitchen, grabbed a knife, slit my wrist and watched it bleed Though I didn't really want to die I just needed you to see... That the tears out on the surface come from some place underneath But you were deaf to our disaster out beyond the thunder's reach. Four: You said you only cheated because you knew that I would never let you go And honestly... well honestly you're right because I could never let you go But why would you ever leave someone that would never let you go Who'd be ripped from both limbs before he would ever let you go I will never let you go... I will never let you go... Four: But you made me let you go... Four: Now I'm not sure where to go... Four: So I can't fucking sleep... Four: And I don't count good when I'm tired... Four: But one night as he dreams... Four: I hope he rests right through a fire... Four: I hope he rests right through a fire... Four: I repeat myself when I'm sad... Four: I repeat myself when I'm sad... I repeat myself when I'm sad... I repeat myself when I'm sad... I repeat myself when I'm sad... Five: You were a dewdrop on a rose multiplied beyond infinity You were sunbeams on my soul through the shadows of divinity You were waking every morning gladly knowing I'm invincible. Now you're crying every night sadly knowing I'm invincible. Thanks. Six: Sometimes I wish I was a mortal man, at least enough to hate you At least enough to tell myself that you probably aren't an angel At least enough to tell you that's it's not right you have my car It's not right you have my home or that his coat is on my bar Speaking of which... Six A: On our last day together you got up at 3 am to drive him to the airport In that very car that I worked so hard and saved for But I couldn't tell you no because I love you more than me And as badly as it stung I'd rather all the wasps sting me... Seven: I told you in my eighth summer I took a nap against an oak in the splendor of it's shade But when I woke the sun had shifted and my skin was blistered by it's rays You said, sweet boy I know that love must feel like comfort but you can never ever rest You see you have a heart of gold and pirates steal from treasure chests So I'm looking in our wake to find the pieces we forgot As I use this tattered map to where my ex marks the spot You were the pirate and the treasure... Eight: I still haven't told your mom. I want to... I want to tell her so she can hate him before you make the introductions So she can really know what happened and won't have to make assumptions But I can't... I still love you. Besides, I met somebody else... And though you've made it kind of hard, I still trust her with myself. I told you. I'm invincible. Nine: I heard once love is blind and I guess that must be true Because when I see nothing else I somehow still see you And when everything turns black I still see your every hue And when I color in the future you're the crayon that I choose I swear to God it's like your face has been painted in my eye lids Because every single time I blink I see your iris meet my iris Now it's only with my eyes closed that the world lights up the brightest So my heartbeat comes in brail and whispers beauty when I'm sightless Which is to say, lately I keep running into walls. Ten: That scene stays on replay when I'm laying in the darkness And though the nights are always tough I think the mornings are the hardest See my bed without you here looks like a field after the harvest These sheets were once our canvas but now... Now they're just a carcass. Eleven: I'm leaning on a broken crutch tryna regain my composure And believing if I open up I'll be paid by some closure See... Our climax was a valley, the mountains were just lies Without you I'm a desert, save the fountains in my eyes My cheeks have turned to canyons from the rivers that I've cried I'm eroding every day but still somehow I survive I'm a cockroach. I'm invincible. Twelve: Liquors my religion, so I worship vodka bottles til I'm filled up with the spirit And if you pierce my aching side you'll see it pour from where the spear hit Crucified by Crown and Coke, a few hit lines and down I go Truth is I just drown and choke, in putrid wine - it's how I cope See, when my mind is sober stated it makes life feel over rated You mistook our home for spaceships, left your forehead's shoulder vacant So reality's transformed to treading through this torment boulder weighted Whilst a vulgar, anxious, moper's playlist, adorned as therapy I wrote Seems to only serve as proof that now my clarity's a ghost Yea verily I know, her haunts are fueled by what these pills show As your indentions in our bed reveal the cruel side of the pillows... Pulled lines unwind the frilled sew, of what once was our forever... I guess forever was four months short of four years, by the way happy anniversary I guess... I guess I just alway thought It was supposed to end with our grand babies in the nursery... I guess... I guess not... Thirteen: I met somebody else and I love her just like you But I can't escape the fact you're my old paint beneath the new And I'm a crease on the page that you may never turn back to But loving you is the only the I've ever truly learned to do... Which really only means I spoke my heart into a mine field Which really only means I'll keep these wounds they tell me time heals Because my scars are souvenirs of the day dream that was real And my pain is a reminder of the life I got to feel... Fourteen: You struck me like a hypodermic needle in a haystack And I wasn't looking for love but now I don't know the way back So I'm addicted to a drug that I never meant to take Imprisoned in a cage that I helped my captor make Irony in iron bars... Fifteen: They tell me that the past is the past but my past was the future And you're always in my brain, I swear your laugh is a tumor But it only served to hide the real you, like the mask of a shooter Your excuses don't hold water you see there's cracks in the pewter And the tracks of your suitor, mixed with the scent of his cologne Meant that even in the times we were together you still left me all alone... Sixteen: I will always remember you, every wrinkle on your skin The freckle on your eyelid, how your lips curl at the corners, the degree by which they bend The way you'd watch a sappy movie and save your tears up to the end The way you'd get lost in a gaze, the way you hated ball point pens... I will never forget your warmth. Not when my mom forgets my face or God forgets my name Not when the world begins to crumble and the stars all fade away... Not when the universe collapses way beyond all time space What I really want to tell you, is I guess I said all this to say... I will never let you go I will never let you go I will never... Let you go. P.S. Everyone still tells me my eyes lights up when I hear your name. So if you're ever in the dark... Last edited by Sykonaut; 04-20-2016 at 12:55 PM. |
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04-19-2016, 01:32 AM
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#2 |
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Banned
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I love most of your opening couplets...they're dope.
Would encourage any serious writer to read them, even if they don't take the time to read in its entirety like I did. Tbh if you spliced your openers and smacked them one after another, that's like a Cliff Notes piece right there... And I'm not kidding; I actually did it &looked@ it. you come with some clever phrasing and emotive statements. Along with a lot of "good",, there are some slight structure improvements that would improve this... as you've qualified, it's not the "tightest flowing". It certainly is, in some parts. But yes, other parts not as tight. As I've said, if you put the same effort into the whole stanza as you did for the opener, then there'd be more consistency. We're all guilty of this but I see it in this piece. I Can tell day 12 was more of a freewrite... whether you were drunk/high/'especially sad'/or writing quickly Or a combination of all of the above Day 12 did not show the same creativity as some other days, with respect to style. --- On our last day together you got up at 3 am to drive him to the airport In that very car that I worked so hard and saved for I like that slant rhyme. I'm guessing the second that is very de-emphasized (that's not for you syk, that's for other readers^) I heard once love is blind and I guess that must be true Because when I see nothing else somehow I still see you I'd suggest perhaps swapping the order of the words on the second line I heard once love is blind and I guess that must be true Because when I see nothing else I somehow still see you The first way is not "wrong" per say... just food for thought. I'm leaning on a broken crutch trying to regain some composure And believing if I open up I'll be paid with some closure Don't like the some on that second line. I tried it a couple ways and don't have a great suggestion. A comma really muddied things up and I didn't like it. Maybe just leave it as is, but give a nice dash for the readers And believing if I open up - I'll be paid with some closure Hope you don't mind a couple suggestions These are small examples--- rhythm/syllable stuff... based on your opening couplets I'd say you'll be fine if you try to follow those kind of formats. I'm not trying to discount the rest of the stanza, and I'm sure those lines are important with respect to the narrative&content... I'm just saying they didn't have the same oomf as the beginnings. You have room to grow as a writer but I like this Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 04-19-2016 at 01:41 AM. Reason: *re-examined an improper suggestion lol |
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04-19-2016, 03:20 AM
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#3 |
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@Pharaohs Army thanks for reading this. It was more a release of frustration written in a fit of rage that anything, kind of poured of me. I agree with pretty much everything you said, 12 I've debated taking out multiple times, but a few lines are very personal to me, so I will probably rework it. In fact a lot of this will probably reworked, it's one of those things where I almost wish I would've tried to actually write a strong piece with an attention to detail because I find it harder to rework something than to just write something new. But I am somewhat of a perfectionist and there are several things not perfect here, so a rework is inevitable for me. Using 'some' twice like that had completely went over my head and I didn't notice I did that, and now it's bugging me as well. Haha I'm going to have to start this tonight or I won't be able to sleep. Anyway thank you again
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04-19-2016, 04:21 AM
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#4 |
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yw &I'm not forcing U to re-work it
Is a personal piece and u said as much I was just trying to tell you your strengths & weaknesss, based on this 1thing I read. |
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04-19-2016, 01:45 PM
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#5 |
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No no no, I didn't get that impression. But I'm far enough removed from writing this that I can look at it and know it has flaws. I wrote this to my ex wife on the day that would've been our anniversary I was too emotional to really care about it structure wise. But reading it recently I kind of liked it and already planned a re work, just wanted some constructive feed back,
@Pharaohs Army does this look better to you, Leaning on a broken crutch tryna regain my composure Believing if I open up I'll be paid by some closure Had to keep the second some but I got rid of the first. |
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04-20-2016, 06:57 AM
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#6 | ||
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Quote:
But na, heavy emotion (even when it's a painful kind) can sometimes bring out some of the best writing, or a voice one never knew they had. I think that's what I saw in those opening couplets- raw emotion phrased in an impactful way, which strangely appealed to a cold technical side of me. Quote:
the my/by thing works better structurally. And on the first line it seems more personalized, &the omission of the 'some' shows in a more forceful way that composure's lost. Glad u were paid |
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04-20-2016, 10:26 AM
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#7 |
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Shrewd as evearthed
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lmao what i basically got from this was that you're an overly emotional faggot who couldnt keep his wife from being dicked by someone else, am i correct?
cool story bro
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04-20-2016, 12:58 PM
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#8 |
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@Pharaohs Army I also re worked 12, last night. Another note as during the time it was written I was on a slam poetry kick, most of which doesn't rhyme and is more acted out like a monologue so I think some of the lines had that in mind. But I know what you're saying, some missed opportunities in here.
@sraL basically |
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