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Old 07-15-2019, 08:21 PM   #1
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Default Summer Classic Topical: Round 1: 6. Innovator Vs. 11.NYCSPITZ [NYC 5-3]








SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
MONDAY JULY 22nd at 11:59P.M. Pacific/West Coast or TUESDAY 2:59 AM Eastern / 7:59 AM TUESDAY Central European/London
MAXIMUM 2 extensions granted upon request in this tournament


Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due THURSDAY at 11:59 p.m. Western Pacific / or FRIDAY 2:59 PM Eastern / 7:59 AM FRIDAY Central European/London Failure to vote will result in negative votes the following round if you win....See rules thread for explanation

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here!



Topic:

Must Check-in by WEDNESDAY July 17th or be replaced


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Old 07-15-2019, 10:56 PM   #2
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Old 07-16-2019, 11:06 AM   #3
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@NYCSPITZ posting tonight

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Old 07-22-2019, 11:33 AM   #4
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Yo -



They was two kids, Fatima and Khan.
Found each other at eight, from broken homes each needed a bond.
Khan’s father got shot - dropped early during the border wars
he scooped a gun up, she searched scripture for what was more than war
Fatima’s mother was kind of like a mom to em both
a gunfire symphony, with screams deciding the notes
kept em safe from militia men and then she showed em the ropes...
Years passed, they was eleven and they started to grope
had a secret shack in the back where they started to poke -
she grabbed a hold of Allah - gaining track with his covenant
He said fate guided him - in his acts against the government
Khan joined the cause, they fell asleep together throughout all of the screams
Fatima’s mother abandoned them there; they were just thirteen.
Time spun by, they learned the institutions of man to be ephemeral
yet we inherit a certain flow of life...and therefore Khan became a general.
Evil was sin - spirits entered his soul, he heeded his Jinn
Oppression of his people maximized - he needed to win
At eighteen, Fatima was walking home with bread and goat meat
When she was cornered by mercenaries, both swole and was OG’s
“We’re here to crush the cause. We were ordered to greet you
so give up a cause leader - or we’re gonna rape torture and beat you”
They could invoke sharia law to murder her and so she gave up her hubby
And tho she mourned she praised God cuz through his grace she was lucky
A grief stricken facade and sorrow was all she was about
Even drew a mural of Khan on the wall by their house
Her mother re-appeared for the funeral, cuz after hearing she came
They hugged and cried together for hours but the feeling was strange
Said “just after your father died I had slept with another”
She pulled a gun - “I made you both strong then left you together”
Fatima’s eyes watered, recognizing what one had said to another
Knew right before the Headshot,
that she had killed her first love - her own brother.







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Old 07-22-2019, 07:33 PM   #5
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The blackness is consuming, it outlines, easily chalks
its bitter cold in the shadows where angels never walk
hidden emotion, heart and soul not to mention her face
she's un noticed amongst the colors, she's so hard to retrace
don't mind her, a specter between the glances of '"righteous" men
a forgotten relic buried in the politics of the ego's whim
a gate keeper of life forced to never live hers to the fullest
always the slited, but with closed lips she'll always bite the bullet
although she's empty on the surface, dig deeper in the sand
her layers the fullest of all, but none cares to peel her back
her eyes give a glimpse into heavens promised dance
a lighthouse in the darkness mentioned, the souls romance
a beacon that never extinguishes an eternal flame in deep waters
the life preserve to those making the wrong decisions among the fautors
a pillar for the lambs, those who get lead in to the slaughter
but she hides it all in fear of those raised with the same hands as her
forced into submission asking for permission trying to gain favor
they run amok with her soul between their hearts and minds alike
forgetting the lesson taught by her and the love she gave without spite
murder the innocent, raping her sisters in the name of god
they pillage the right leaving everything wrong in the rubbles fog
they praise her with grace, but turn around and spit in her face
no longer revered, looked upon like a steer holding the bulk of the load
but she never falls despite the crushing blows you wont see her fold
but her purpose eternally burns amongst the ashes of her faults
and though she hides herself, she gives every ounce of her heart
to those shaped by the brush strokes of a broken art...
so she keeps her sleeve open for the world to se her true colors
and so her rainbow extends beyond the song of the squallers

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Old 07-24-2019, 07:16 AM   #6
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nyc:
dope story dude, rhyme structure a bit loose but it did have its tight moments.. mostly the awesome story telling is what drove this, really dug that piece because of that.. nice depiction nothing over the top but was there none the less..

innovator:
dope piece very soft and subtle very emotional to not as emotional is nyc but pretty deep.. a cool piece I think as far as maturity this piece def shone that.. really did enjoy this piece..

Creativity-- nycspitz
Entertainment--nycspitz
Flow-- innovator
Rhyme Scheme-- innovator
Consistency/Topic-- nycspitz
Literary Devices (alliteration, assonance, allusion, etc..) -- innovator
Emotion-- nycspitz
Imagery-- nycspitz

Vote-- nycspitz
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Old 07-24-2019, 03:16 PM   #7
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What an interesting battle for round one. Two favourites, surely, meeting early on with a somewhat odd topic choice that can be bent and twisted in a few different ways. I’m intrigued to see what you both do here, so let’s see what we have...


NYCSpitz: I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you wrote this quickly, as you claimed, the writing has a real fast-paced sort of vibe to its action - as i’m quite used to seeing from you. It has the story progress quickly, quite unrelentingly in some parts, and you don’t tend to dwell on any one thing in particular for too long, meaning your story unfolds at quite a frantic pace and constantly moves forward onto the next idea. It’s a strength I perceive of yours and you utilise it well to almost carry the reader along with you, at speed, breezing through the tale without stopping to catch your breath. Its helped by the crisp wording and the constant action, almost like a whirlwind of storytelling and there’s a lot going on, so it was a lot to take in. In one sense, it works, but with a critical eye on it I’d also say that the character development was left wanting somewhat. Besides the names assigned to the two, and a little bit of stereotyping/racial profiling perhaps, the reader doesn’t really get enough here to actually “care” what happens to the characters or why. There’s a definite disassociation there, I felt, where I wasn’t invested in either of them really because I hadn’t been given enough character development or/and impetus. It’s a tricky one in such a short line limit to do all of that, rhyme, and tell a story that progresses in development so I see entirely why you did it - but it’s just something to think about moving forward. I’ve seen people mention to you before how the rhymes almost feel attached afterward, or as an afterthought, and I can see that to an extent (though I don’t think that’s what you do at all, I think you get the bulk of the writing down and then contemplate on the rhyming aspect later to tie it all together). I could be wrong, of course, but that’s certainly how it reads to me. This one is no different. There are times when you’re really on point in this and then others like the “bread and goat meat,” rhyme that come off with little thought to them and maybe rushed. I think if you took the time to read it back and polish up on some of those things, you would be an even stronger competitor. The dialogue section where you rhymed the entire couplet loses some realism as well, to me, as “We’re here to crush the cause,” comes off unnatural as spoken dialogue (in my opinion) and keeping it shorter and snappier would have served you better there rather than trying to rhyme out the couplet. I see why you chose to do it, and many will be guilty of it themselves at some point (including me) but as a general rule I’d steer clear of doing that if I were you. I’m sure someone of your skill set doesn’t ‘need’ to do that anyway and would find it easy enough to work around. You don’t always have to tell people what’s happening, sometimes a strong enough hint at the characters facial expressions, gestures, or feelings tell you more than just the words they speak anyway - subtly too, if done well, and the reader doesn’t end up feeling spoonfed the story as it leaves them with something to read between the lines, you know? All good fun. It’s just something I feel may be worth you considering for the future.

Inno: This one is quite different to your opponent style-wise, and in its execution, the pacing too is a noticeable change from what we read from NYC. While he went with a very frantic, fast-paced story that unfolded quickly, yours seemed to unravel slowly piece by piece and the contrast with what he did is interesting to me. There are a lot of interesting word choices and associations that worked here, I enjoyed the “unnoticed amongst the colours, she’s hard to retrace,” as it used the picture quite cleverly - rather than trying to apply something to it directly that was more difficult. The choice of taking this and trying to transcend it almost is what works best (in my opinion) and while you both did that to differing degrees - I actually preferred how Inno alluded to it more than I did NYC’s more direct story based around the two characters pictured. Inno may be less technically proficient in terms of multies here but he excelled in terms of tying more in to the picture provided and how he worked it into his own piece was the better of the two. “Gate Keeper of life forced to never live hers to the fullest,” was nice. The stuff like “lighthouse in the darkeness,” is more so what I was referring to when I said NYC didn’t just have to use the entire couplet of spoken dialogue and could inform the reader without just “telling” them what happened. Inno explains in those four words using clever metaphor without having to use up two lines to inform the reader what’s happening, you know? Inno wasn’t without fault here, either, this couplet in particular:

Quote:
but she hides it all in fear of those raised with the same hands as her
forced into submission asking for permission trying to gain favor
This felt unnecessary, in my opinion, and could easily have been taken out without losing a great deal in truth. The submission/permission line felt rather long in comparison to the rest of the verse as a whole and he’s at his best when he has these allusions and associations at play in his work. This couplet didn’t really rely on those as heavily as he had used prevalently at the beginning, it did lead to this short quip though that I enjoyed:

Quote:
they pillage the right leaving everything wrong
It was a subtle little call back, maybe not to everyone’s taste given the text battlers will have seen rights/right/wrong stuff done before but I liked its use here.

The ending was almost polarising for me because I enjoyed what lead up to it, and I appreciate how Inno went about tying the colour element into this piece, but the word “squallers” (squalors?) didn’t feel used correctly to me and I’m not entirely sure that was what he was going for. It could be squalors. I just think it may be misused, but it’s definitely not squallers either way. That said, I did think Inno had more in the way of transcending the image itself and building something around it - working it into his piece rather than attacking this head-on and that worked for me on a few different levels. As I say, NYC did that to an extent too with his worldbuilding and storytelling here but I, as a reader, never felt connected to the characters involved on an emotional level and someone once said that conflict drives great stories. This story has a great driving force behind it, but lacked that conflict to really feel an emotional attachment to the characters involved. The deciding factor for me was largely the how Inno went about executing his more metaphoric topical piece over NYC’s more mechanical storytelling ability.

Good battle, different styles, but personal preference here has me going with Inno.

Keep those pens moving!
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Old 07-24-2019, 11:30 PM   #8
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Longer Version in Mag

I loved both reads for different reasons. I think Inno had a very somber feel to it, conecting me to a misfortunate yet uplifting soul that struggles through a horrible life but staying positive. I think you built this character right, and I don't think I got that point across in the extended mag version. NYC on the other hand provided a very fast paced read that was able to live half a century almost in a whizz, yet didn't really lack any character build up ironically. However, siblings being the same age, with different dads, and also being in love and wed, both struck me as odd. So while I loved each read, I feel like the emotion in Inno's outweighed the pace and overall fun in NYC

v/Inno
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Old 07-25-2019, 06:46 PM   #9
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NYCSPITZ: Enjoyed the story quite a bit but felt like you could have polished it a bit more. Seemed like you went "ye, this is good enough to post" and left it at that. I'm only saying this because I've read better and more polished stuff from you earlier, this kind of slacking won't get you far in future rounds if you make it through.

I didn't really like some reptition I saw. It can be pretty cool here and there but I found "had slept with another" and "had said to another" in this particular piece to be lazy altho I see what you're doing.
I also think it wouldn't really make sense to praise "God". It might be semantics and I know that but felt switching up the use of Allah, even if it is to stay away from repetition, didn't make that much sense given the character backgrounds you created for your story. I'm saying this on the basis of Muslims having told me that they would never refer to Allah as "God".

The story however is dope af and filled with emotion along with following the topic really well. Closure was raw and thought you executed the storyline pretty well, just kinda wish you had focused just as hard on other elements in your piece like I've seen you do before.

Innovator: Interesting take on the topic following a repressed woman through the motions of not having a choice yet standing strong. Like NYCSPITZ I felt you were repetitive in a spot in your verse as well but in a different way, I'm thinking about the use of "but" four times in 4 sentences starting at the "They praise her with grace"-line. Your piece was definitely thought provoking and I love that shit, out of all the verses I've read so far this week yours is the one that made me reflect and think the most. I do, however, feel like you didn't quite give it your all this week either and it sucks as I'd love to see both ya in round 2 and the lack of polishing will reflect my vote.

Vote: Thought both did a decent job but I've definitely seen way better pieces from both. It's like both of you just went "the finish line isn't in sight so I'll write some and see where it takes me, if my opponent is lazy maybe it'll hold". That said, I did enjoy NYCSPITZ story and conclusion a bit better than Innovators take on it but overall I think Innovator could have won on consistency and solid showing if he had spent a little more time on it. As it stands now tho, NYCSPITZ gets my vote.

Cool enough battle that could have been way better if both spent just a little more time on em. Keep writing and GL to whoever goes through to the next round.
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Old 07-25-2019, 07:12 PM   #10
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NYC - I enjoyed this story for two reasons...it was well fleshed out with a marked beginning, middle, and end...and it was different, I haven't read a topical that has used this idea before, having the two characters being raised together almost as siblings and then entering a sexual relationship was inspired and not many people would have thought to go down that road. The rhyming in this was off at times and I think you can definitely do better but as far as your story...I loved it.

Inno - there were certain parts of this verse that were achingly poetic, you really have a gift for making something beautiful using very few words, I actually think you are much more suited to shorter verses, sometimes there is a certain amount of filler in your longer verses and it kind of detracts from the overall vibe of the piece at times. There were parts like that in here but not too many. I liked the story and I felt a lot of empathy for the woman, you did a good job describing her desperation...there were a lot of visual moments. Flow was choppy at times but still easy to follow.

I am going with NYC.
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Old 07-25-2019, 10:21 PM   #11
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nycspitz, very good story here my man.

Quote:
Fatima’s mother was kind of like a mom to em both
cool foreshadowing. i think the strength of this verse was the pacing. It moved and progressed naturally while maintaining high level of lyricsm. the overall arc of the story is rather weird. I don't understand the point of the twist at the end. I didnt' think it added anything to the story and honestly it felt convoluted. Like why, nom'sayin?

i'm not a fan of pure poetry in this type of writing arena. there were lots of poetic tropes like art and brush and colors and stuff like that. though i see how it fits with the picture, tropes nonetheless. the preposition "of" is always the go to for poetic writers/voices lulz and you certainly had bounties "of" it lulz. but i do like the story. i think its about a girl who's voice of the revolution involves her art. love the bite the bullets line.

there were obvious ups and downs with both verses. I think spitz, although imaginative, seemed rather trite. inno had a poetic but i felt he was more focused on profound beautiful wording than translating to readers an actual story. this is a hard one. ok i think i'm going to give this to innovator because i think the poetic voice of that verse worked for him this time against nycsptz's linear novelty.
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Old 07-25-2019, 10:58 PM   #12
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3-3 tie.
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Old 07-25-2019, 11:12 PM   #13
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NYC: Really enjoyed the opening 3 bars. That gunfire symphony screams deciding the notes was crazy I thought. Loved that line. You seemed to be quick and to the point. maybe rushed a little bit? Not sure. I liked that goat meat line but I didn't like the line that followed. That OG line. It didn't flow well and just OG in general was way off when it came to the vibe of this piece. I see the twist at the end but the flow was very off and should of had some more element to it. Felt bland with the repetitiveness. cool verse overall tho.

Innovator: Started off strong. That righteous men egos whim line was set up nice. good work. I liked that closed lips always bite the bullet line. that was fire. That deep waters falters line was stand out as well. After that you were on point for the most part but fell off when it came to the flow. Seemed to drop off for a bit there. You lost me on the concept part as well for a moment. Overall tho this was a solid piece, but could have had some improvements on the mechanics.

MVGT: NYC...This was so close. I really was going back and forth but ultimately NYC gets it. So close and much respect to both of ya
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Old 07-26-2019, 05:20 PM   #14
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I’m on my phone so I’m going to be brief

I enjoyed NYC verse more, both verses has a good premises, but NYC flowed a little it better. I liked his story more too, it was more engaging and word choice was pretty vivid. Both brought quality, but I feel NYC edged this.

Vote NYC
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Old 07-26-2019, 09:41 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rawn MD View Post
I’m on my phone so I’m going to be brief

I enjoyed NYC verse more, both verses has a good premises, but NYC flowed a little it better. I liked his story more too, it was more engaging and word choice was pretty vivid. Both brought quality, but I feel NYC edged this.

Vote NYC
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I got you tonight. I still have 4 more verses to read for Mag then you.
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