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Old 10-24-2017, 05:21 PM   #1
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Default Ullr vs Innovator[Innovator wins]

Black August


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due November 1ST
WEDNESDAY at 11:59 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or THURSDAY November 2 3:00 AM Eastern / 6:00 AM THURSDAY November 2 Central European/London


Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Voting closes when a clear winner is voted for. Competitors must vote immediately on the other match. Failure to vote will result in being a faggot for a significant portion of ur life.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? You can technically start a life of faggoting immediately but its a slippery slope.

so....

All competitors must vote on as many battles as possible duh u bum ass idiots


Topic:: uh none wtf don't u know what this is?

@Ullr

Last edited by Inno; 11-06-2017 at 09:26 AM.
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Old 11-01-2017, 10:04 PM   #2
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Metal birds cut the sky, bringing in a reign of blood
Coveted by men who lie, leaving wounds in the mud.
Well equipped soldiers play judge and jury juggling life,
Wrong and write teeter with a struggling plight.

Boots stomp the sand into submission, dust rises high
To the point that the sun goes missing.
The dark cut with night vision, advantage.
Nothing hides from the carnage, a savage in the village.
Bullets meat the red in a head on collision
The people hesitate but the wounds need no convincing.
Death spreads seamless through the walls
Seeping in the hinges of their joints and bones.
It’s the soot that engulf, reaching them in droves.
Howling bullets pierce the shadows all around
Singing past heads, some of us capture the sound.

We trade bullets like currency waging debt against lives
Throwing away civility and peace for ego and pride.
Each with a cause evil in nature but righteous in the flesh
As the bodies and the souls pile up in the rubbles mesh.
The fighting goes on with out a reset. Death misses no step.

This burden is carried among those who survived to tell it.
war gets us nowhere but that’s just one perspective,
Truth is we would all pull the trigger in a second.
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Old 11-01-2017, 11:31 PM   #3
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I was born in Ohio, small town, off Astoria Road,
My father taught me the value of honor, and the Warrior's code
the glory saving lives and of thwarting your foes -

Twenty Years Later...

Sunbaked desert, on deserted streets
The sound of distant gunfire, muttered words of the meek
A pulsing paradise, the beating heart of the sand
in that mirage an oasis, land of departed and damned
we came here on a mission, sure that freedom would ring
to liberate the people who had no need for a king
the breeze blew in soft, nearby the creak of a swing...
such sinister silence, radio "All's clear in east wing."

A sudden crack broke the calm, black smoke of bombs in the street adjacent
All that training and time, telling me to be patient
But I knew I had to act, so I grabbed my M-16 and went racing
Shouting and panic filled my ears, bracing as I faced the clearing
I saw my brother lying, heaving breathing as he strained to speak
"down the alley..." he wheezed with blood and from pain was weak,
ducked for cover behind a truck, made sure the safety was off
then brought the sight to my eye until focused straight on the cross
a round in the chamber, a casing aloft,
sent two shots down the range headed straight for his jaw
they ducked just in time, I felt the weight of that pause
as he threw back a grenade that ricocheted off the wall
I dove into motion as time slowed that explosion
ringing in my ear, a bleeding nose and unbroken devotion
I gathered up my senses, peered through the smoke and commotion
then sent another round through the broken pieces, unloaded
my finger glued to the trigger, I couldn't stop what was done
down the street came a family, unaware, just a mom and son
I hit my target, but my heart was so numb, I barely even felt just how dark I'd become...

Many Years Later...

Words can hardly describe the bitter pain of regret,
the people we leave behind, caught with chains on their necks
corralled like animals, we invaders oppress
a war fought for more than we would dare to expect
garish, bereft, memories morbid and morphing, tearing with stress
he'd dreamt of glory, all the medals and promise
but only gore and war filled his head with the trauma

Eighty years old, with all his family dead
He thought he'd die a hero, but fought with cancer instead
alone in the cold without a single hand at his bed -
He'd grown bitter from strife, nothing numbing the truth
thought he'd finally find peace once he'd hung from a noose
when darkness surrounds, the mind's the loneliest place
and even death can seem divine, when it's your only escape...
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Old 11-02-2017, 01:08 AM   #4
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I'm am a very distinct writer and as it goes with that comes the ear for the ultimate mechanics of one's verse. Both had the same approach and aspect of the picture which to me was cliche. None the less both had they're up and downs on the verses submitted. Inno with with a more abstract imagery of the pic and let it loose but the flow seemed choppy and made it for a quite an annoyance read to me. Having to find the flow and style towards reading it off.. came true spoken word status though which that aspect I respect so I get the gist of the off flow of counts. The overall aspect of the piece was clear and well converged. Ullr I haven't read much from you but the mechanics are there.and you present a style that is delectable honestly. You came.more raw with the action of the war zone and led us through but the wording to.me killed me here and there that I felt retracted from the essence of the verse. Story well portrayed and understood as well.

both came direct and the same way in a sense but honestly felt the approach could have been presented more desirable and with the verses given I felt both rushed to submit this. When it comes down to it I have to give the edge towards Innovator for a more clean transition through out the story.
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Old 11-02-2017, 07:47 AM   #5
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So inno had the brutal display of vividry that i really liked and seemed to enjoy in this battle.
Not my typical lean towards when it comes to overal execution and style here but i rly dug this verse a lot. The opener was like whatttttt!?!?!? And i was immediately wanting to read more of the same type of visual writing.

Ullr a little less visual but the flow of course solid and this is the type of verse i lean towards typically. Thought you both went at this in a similar fashion making for a rather ddissapointing approach, so cliche. BUTTTT the best thing inno had GOING FOR HIM TBH WAS THAT HE dumpED FIRst. Not that that matters sry bout the caps text. But i think his ability to wow me visually overshadows ullrs ability to flow smoothly. Once again in this tourny i fins myself voting more for the story and visuals than for the actual mechanics and flow of things. Which tbh isnt genos norm considering i flow through my entire verses for the most part as did ullr. This is hard to caLl boys but i have to go innovatorn here. Peace.
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Old 11-02-2017, 09:16 AM   #6
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Innov – right off the bat the imagery is dope, diction is solid as ever from you.

“Metal birds cut the sky, bringing in a reign of blood
Coveted by men who lie, leaving wounds in the mud”

I’ve come to the conclusion that ‘technical’ writing is not your thing and rather in-depth story-telling, profound endings and ‘painting a scene’ etc is your primary objective. Which overall theres absolutely nothing wrong with but its not my personal preference tbh but when its executed, its dope I have to admit!

“The people hesitate but the wounds need no convincing.
Death spreads seamless through the walls
Seeping in the hinges of their joints and bones.” crazy

So its an narrative approach, it reads poem-esque at first viewing! that was a cool twist

“This burden is carried among those who survived to tell it.
war gets us nowhere but that’s just one perspective,”

Am I over thinking the last line? Im not too sure what the meaning behind it is, if im missing something subliminal or its as DIRECT as it sounds, if it is, its been stopped too soon I think, this could’ve been carried into something bigger!

Anyone put in a un-wanted position of war would HAVE to kill rather having a thirst to kill like you’ve portrayed.. I dunno ill read again, see how I feel about it lol!

All I can think is ‘GET TO THE CHOPPER’ now lol, that should’ve been the title haha! Yeah its captured well by this one soldiers perspective, “well trade bullets” “Boots stomp the sand into submission” in a village setting, suggests, he or she is on the ground in combat rather than in an chopper and gunning people down (or has come down from the chopper)! So yeah, endings kinda .. meh to be frank, considering how descriptive and enthralling the piece felt! Good job overall!

…..

ULLR – Ive got a horrible feeling I wont like the format or this piece, just saying!

Instantly from reading though, i like the start, im pulled in!
First (real) paragraph, Imagery, descriptive-ness is on par with Innov (which really surprises me).
Reads smooth, nice rhythm to it, ‘sinister silence’ ‘creak of a swing’…. doopppeee!
Scene is set

Second paragraph, I think it loses pace here man, the lines become longer, maybe a abit of filler and loses fluency overall. the target ‘ducks’ a bullet, that’s some JEDI reflexes right there, a family walking around amidst the chaos, not realising whats going on, seems suspect. ill reserve judgment lol.




Ending parts..
“he'd dreamt of glory, all the medals and promise
but only gore and war filled his head with the trauma” I liked that, I don’t even care that it didn’t rhyme, it hit me!

“when darkness surrounds, the mind's the loneliest place
and even death can seem divine, when it's your only escape...” Nice!

Very morbid ending thou my man, the ending stanza was well paced and laid out. My only gripe of this part, is an 80 year old man, committing suicide?? I might be showing my ignorance here but that seems far-fetched, should have done it in his sixties at the latest I think! Carrying this ‘baggage’ for sixty years, now completely widowed, stricken with cancer, poor guy… your harsh as fuck ULLR!

technically I prefer ullr’s straight away, im gonna go for the impact of the piece’s though.
Innov’s storytelling prowess n consistency throughout helped his cause, it was on form here, But I didn’t like the ending as much as the piece overall, ULLR wrote a long-ass piece but I actually enjoyed reading n was intrigued as to where it was going. First paragraph matched up to innov’s style and then some. The mid section was abit of a let down upon reflection. Both endings were flawed imo but concise and gives deeper meaning to the pieces so they ultimately work, it as to be said!

A genuinely, real tough call lads! Hopefully a vid mag comes out, and a pissed up, sentimental MMLP can deliver more eloquent reasoning for his decision!

Both cancel out each others flaws! I think its gonna come down to what stuck with me more, innov was more consistent but ullr sorta matched his imagery to a point AND had more harder hitting moments/ quotables etc that made me appreciate the read! This is literally some 10-9.9 shit, im gonna go with ULLR. I will not be surprised if others vote the other way!


Good luck in the final fellas, whoever gets there!
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Old 11-04-2017, 10:55 AM   #7
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My vote is now in
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Old 11-06-2017, 09:24 AM   #8
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Innovator wins
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