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Old 01-11-2021, 04:55 PM   #41
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. J View Post
Didn't know this league got so sensitive.


I'm out
Tell me about it.
My frustration is through the roof, I can't vote even due to this.
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Old 01-11-2021, 05:01 PM   #42
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lmao can’t vote, or won’t?

let’s not make excuses now
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Old 01-11-2021, 06:14 PM   #43
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I got PTSD now!
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Old 01-11-2021, 11:07 PM   #44
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Thread was closed while i was voting. If anybody cares about feed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenhal0 View Post
12 BALLOONS

January : In the USA a cold dormant day ,in australia its 90 degrees on normans bay whats wrong with Jay?, he did so much and that was his poor mistake like any capricorn he was born to make work a priority as he ignores the hate now the pressure got him salty like a raw ass steak born on the coldest day when it snows the dark got to flaunt it's face but in the end these balloons are all the same..
cool concept. like the rhymes. as an overworking capricorn i can appreciate this

February : As quite as I am I think more then you I have alot to express it's for the truth,I got a strange temper that's what it's meant to be, spirits of air guiding my energy,Ciara she was never a friend to me looking for love that was never meant to be instead of peace she got murdered by a jealous ex and wiped out of memory's open a pack of sweethearts that read ''A valentine never meant for me'' my aquarian age girl...
nice rhyming and imagery

March : Do unto others as they do unto you , Do so much for others , I forget that it takes two,Im taking 4 sometimes I run from 3, Can't escape no more it's time to chase my dreams visions as they come to life doors of creation springs forth new sights sike Eric was the type hype emotional strife but the oven was bright creativity sparked too much ego involved but he can bury you all maybe that's real just let him march into battle and give em a shield..
didn't like this one as much as the first two but still cool. a stronger mars tie in for the closer would have made this section hit for me.

April : The warmth is close as the temperature falls on norman's coast
like a ram running up a cliff anything in my way will get fucking split
look at the trees can you see the green it rains alot but my pee is clean
Lets meet Alex a greedy fiend a boisterous airhead who can be really mean
he got a habit but swears he's really clean he got to have it no matter whats the
scheme row row row your boat silly rabbit life is but a dream...
strong imagery in the opening section.

May : Flowers blossom in a china shop where a bull got lose porcelain crime scene
glassware didn't break cause it was stubborn as the promises it couldn't keep
cheers to your bright outlook and hard working critique Yo Pete where you been
haven't seen you since your light got a lil dim and your jokes where said in angst
are you still working haven't seen you on the corner buying franks thanks
for the cold shoulder hopefully in june your bullheaded temper lets go of the
balloon...
like the bull in china shop metaphor

June : Electric twin fearless thinker set to win two face cliche well it sticks leave that
aspects for a shady mix go with the flow let the mercury raise summer begins ask
Jen she was the dominant conjoined twin monkey on her back her sister Kim
always the last to begin even tho you couldn't tell em apart jen was the first to
remind you that she can place a spell on your heart but her sister was honest
apollo and adonis the yin and yang one night jen slipped pills in her sisters
drink when kim awoke jen was dead but now shes only a head that can think...
cool mini story here.

July : Cardinal crab moon slab independence day crash nurture the shell hide in the well
solemn artist mixed feelings boil in pots as the corn rotates intuitive constellation
rhubarb scented oscillation Chris is having some palpitations being a cancer
many times his sharp claws had saved him hot temper with a side of bacon
love to hate him but that hard shell wont save him stay in the tomb
and the balloons will break em..
strong rhymes on last two lines

August : Looking for a heart but i will take a knee , the days are hot but the sun is
running away from me like a lion sleeping under a tree i dont run for food
it just comes to be my hearts on fire 98 degrees the laurel bay and leaves
like Casey she was so vain and it was plain to see sense the arrogance
but her body will make you scream don't play with her loyalty she will play ya
team looking for love only to leave it at home don't trust a dog not to stray
when you leave it alone...
nice section. have a little bit of story nice rhymes and a strong close


September : You can feel the nights getting cold naturally incline to kindness and it shows my mind is mystery minus some ghost autumns fallen virgin birth of the smallest portion Amber with the angry snarl , coy and quaint but ain't no saint keeps calling until its really late float before the fall lucifer made the same mistake
the entanglement of lust intelligent and analytical perfectionist
who's overcritical everything gets better the quicker she gets rid of you..
Opening imagery is a cool but character description isn't a compelling as some of the others

October : Goddess of justice but there's alot of weight on these scales 31 days till im dead and candy's placed in a pale my mellowness is reluctant to ideas not ideal Tony was a candidate for such tales gambling on everything even bet if reality's real and doubled his stacks gossiping about the neighbors as if they weren't gossiping back living it to the fullest and all it got him is fat vampires in his window so he got em a bat swinging for the fences nothing he missed in the end tony learned to stop judging a wish ...
liked the opening. fat vampires is a strange thought

November : Under the beavers moon a scorpion crawls out a beaded jewel leaves
turn brown like the cheeks of mules winters coming and it needs a fuse
passions so profound but greater evils lose those embers burn the ground
nothing seems to move Ana never seemed to lose she hides the rage from
past abuse and only seeks to use any man who can feed her food spend his
cash for a few minutes fun until the sting of her tail leaves him numb dying in the
rear view as she speeding up her motto was life is like photography you
need negatives to develop love...

this was a cool section. strong close

December : As the sun peaks in normans bay my father is deceased by the 14th day in the color of night a morbid shade half man half horse who gallops across the lake Micheal wakes up in another place sheltered from elements
life was a sore mistake all i need is my cardboard box and faith overly blunt hurt feelings was all he ate happy in existence
never seemed to scorn his face im not in this world to live to your
expectations for what you would think motto tattooed in ink another balloon floating upon the brink...
this is ok. closer is another balloon tie in
This was a cool piece. I liked the concept you brought in with the 12 months and characterizations. You had strong enough rhymes to carry the piece despite not using standard line breaks. The structure let you do some different things in each section based around repeating thematic principles. My biggest complaint is that it doesn't seem more than loosely connected to the topic. You have a couple references to balloons mixed in but you didn't really tie them together, and might have let this battle get away from you (no pun). A closing section tying everything together might have helped.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pharaohs Army View Post
Never black out on shrooms

Thought I’d get retarded in my college apartment.
Empty stomach & some orange juice vitamin C. (I)hope I don’t vomit.
Empty feeling, from last night’s oxy and weed.
Asked a friend to trip with me & he agreed.
cool setup. i see the multis.

Never black out on shrooms.
Flat on your back in the middle of the room.
Close-eyed Christmas fractals before I black out (& pass out)
Not going to get in to why I was trying it.
Come to; the living room carpet is a magical 3D environment.
Me and a friend, shadows on the wall for amusement.
One should have proper set and settings but I would abuse it.
this is cool story development. closing line is strangely worded to me

Weeks & months later smoking weed is no longer enjoyable.
The paranoia and anxiety make it deplorable.
Irrational thoughts can trick the mind horrible.
What could only be described as a near-death experience.
Maybe I died. The crazy events & mental sickness had me fearing it.
rhymes are a little simple here.

I wasn’t the same.
Months later, failed out of college and still fucking insane.
Then comes the cry for help - something worse than trying to yell
Suicide attempt and the psych floor.
One night, my life is what I had to fight for.
Group sessions, people even worse than me.
2 weeks in the hospital; I yearned to be free.
All I can say is that what can heal the mind, is time.
Mine is fine, as of the conclusion of this rhyme.
still have simplified the rhymes but youre able to wrap up the story well here

All of this is true.. I also went back ta school..
cool true story poem. this piece feels a little bit short but you are able to complete the story arc. it feels a little bit like a straightforward description of the events in places. i would have liked to see you spice this up with metaphor/rhyme. this also doesn't have a strong connection to the topic, but i can get the conceptual connection to losing touch with reality. I think you could have tried harder to emphasize that, but I can give you some credit for it not being completely unrelated.

Vote: Brokenhalo Both of you had interesting approaches that led to enjoyable reads but neither made too strong an effort to connect to the topic. I think Brokenhalo did better with at least using some explicit tie ins, though he never explained how his verse is related to balloons. Pharoah's verse is only loosely related, though I enjoyed the story telling. Stronger rhyme would have made your verse more competitive, I think halo did enough on the technical side to take this battle.
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Old 01-11-2021, 11:09 PM   #45
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Master Rock View Post
Tell me about it.
My frustration is through the roof, I can't vote even due to this.
Im unclear of ur frustration my friend. Addy abided by the rule, U realize that it was the rule and conceded. What injustice was done towards you?

@Adverse I’ll be putting in the work tomorrow my man.
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Old 01-11-2021, 11:15 PM   #46
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It's an unfortunate situation. I respect the work you put into your verse and it seems like it was an honest mistake. It comes from wanting your piece to be good, I can sympathize. But at the same time, can't really blame Adverse for following the rules. He's going out of his way to mod a league he didn't sign up for, gotta give him some leeway to run it.
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Old 01-11-2021, 11:42 PM   #47
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Word.
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Old 01-12-2021, 09:16 PM   #48
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Can me and Mr. J get some more votes (along with the other open battles). Would be great to move on to the next week of this thing.
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Old 01-12-2021, 10:29 PM   #49
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fraze View Post
Can me and Mr. J get some more votes (along with the other open battles). Would be great to move on to the next week of this thing.
I’ll probably try and move on tomorrow if we get necessary votes
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Old 01-12-2021, 10:47 PM   #50
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@fraze
Thanks for the feed man. My whole verse was about the loss of touch with reality. That's how it relates. But I can agree with you that my rhymes were too simple at times.

@Universe
Lol at you calling the DQ. Well, I guess Adverse would have eventually?
But just last week you had one of the longest topicals in the history of text and you're really gonna jump brokenhalo for going too long? Eh. If someone had asked me ahead of time I would have said to allow it. But he didn't ask.

EDIT: btw Congratulations on earning your way into my signature.

Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 01-12-2021 at 11:20 PM.
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Old 01-13-2021, 04:59 AM   #51
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lol at Pharaohs Army pouring over my 200 line piece that I dropped over a week ago with the intensity of an autistic child counting toothpicks...

I love my fans :)
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