WEEK NINE CHAMP MATCH: DIABLO 4-0 vs FRAZE 3-1 DIABLO WINS

[Adverse]

AOWL Season IX WEEK NINE

VERSES DUE: MONDAY FEBRUARY 8th @11:59PM EST

@fraze @Diablo

Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

Topic:

[Diablo]

DUMB MOTHERFUCKER FINNA GET KILLED AGAIN

YOU DEAD

[fraze]

Check. Good luck.


Just want to give heads up I will probably need the ext. Didn't have time to write this weekend and work has been crazy today. Don't know if I will have time to write before midnight.

[fraze]

Even now my mind’s still on her. She was from Barcelona
Auburn hair, hazel eyes. Camel by the carton smoker
She had me part and parcel. Dropped me off departing cargo.
This kind of baggage casts a shadow that won’t let my heart go

It skips to hear the beat play. Frozen at the replay
My mind rewinds as memories remix with father time the dj.
Lights shine at night time, hips greet melodies with a slight whine
The whole world seems aglow but that might be the white wine

Streets glistened with a hint of rain. It was the fifth of May.
Maybe two months in, a foreign visitation trip to Spain
Family hosting told me I should see the sights inside the city.
The Basilica was beautiful. But the girl I saw in front was twice as pretty.

Reviewed my notes from Spanish as I tried to ask her name.
But I had slept through every class so I crashed and burned in flames
She laughed and told me she’d been hoping to speak English more
She turned and asked me for my story as the storm began to pour

Forgot that we forgot our umbrellas, as we opened up
Sheltered by the awning of an open karaoke club
She asked if I was thirsty. I said yes, our steps were hurried.
The cloud began to clear just as my mind became a little blurry

She said she’s headed to restroom
Father time adjusts the needle.
Despacito plays while the senoritas dance flamenco
Smiling in the moment. No, I haven’t felt the panic yet.
I look over and she’s smiling. While HIS hand in on her breast.
That haunting melody plays ever slower.
Feel like I’m floating. Is that the floor or ceiling getting closer?

[Diablo]

I had a twin brother that I loathed and despised
even as a kid nothing that I owned would be mine.
He stole my entire comic collection, most the covers were ripped,
and nobody minded — until I took something of his.
Our mother would hiss at us “Why don’t you share!”
discoloured with tints of greying-white in her hair.
We would fight over chairs at the table, the cutlery used,
even sometimes just stupid shit like who was looking at who.
My brother would use every trick in the book
to pit me in trouble over things that he’d done.
If he was rumbled, golden boy got a slap on the wrist
but the minute I took revenge I got both barrels for it.
A double standard existed and to me it was blatant
he was the favourite, even though neither could say it.
We were related by blood yet he was no brother of mine
you couldn’t see from our faces, but we were nothing alike.
When we were younger we’d fight and he’d push me around
choosing to knuckle up while I focused on knuckling down.
They say bloods just about having the same anatomy
but means nothing without the loyalty that makes you family.
I hated having people compare me to him
were the same jackasses even aware that we’re twins!?
It’s like sharing a similar look was somewhat expected
but how dare I exist outside the shadow my brother projected.
I’d look the other direction whenever we crossed paths
and pretend that we’re not family to friends if I got asked.
I was never in contact with him, I was glad to be rid,
so imagine the grin I had hearing someone was marrying him!
I didn’t have to be invited, I’d have taken a flight,
all that mattered was simply ruining the best day of his life.
I knew the place and the time. It looked an expensive trip.
Even caught the name of his wife but I couldn’t remember it.
I booked in a residential hotel with a single star for my journey
as dark and as dirty as the plan I started rehearsing.
I wanted to hurt him harder than he had managed with me
planning to leave him torn to shreds like the comic annual he thieved.
There were incalculable reasons for me to hate him more
but this would actually be one he’d be right to blame me for.
I wake at quarter to seven. I knew he would too.
The two of us used to be like clockwork, every movement in-tune.
I work through our routine as kids, down to the extent of our socks,
you went with the one on the right foot first and always said I was wrong.
I then did the opposite, naturally, it’s hard-geared inside my brain
some people might have changed with time but you and me are wired the same.
I knew to leave at five to eight, and even where you would sit,
sharing a cigarette on your “morning jog” preparing for it.
I was there within minutes of you locking the door
your would-be wife unaware I exist as I step onto your porch.
I wanted to force both my sorry hands around your neck
but I opt for the door-knocker and grasp for that instead.
I bang the blackened lever against the wood-rotten debris
until she answers and questions if I’ve forgotten my keys.
I nod as she leads me indoors. It’s not a surprise
to see it’s as empty and hollow inside as it was in your eyes.
I saw items borrowed of mine you never returned
yet there I was with your wife hanging on my every word.
I press up her skirt from behind, my hands on her bountiful figure,
caressing her curves eager to take you out of the picture...

[Diablo]

Open for votes!

[Master Rock]

Vote Fraze
Peep vid for details.

[Adverse]

Fraze

Liked the topic you chose and the kind of images you provoked here. Spain made for a cool backdrop and just the mention of time playing your memories, it just gave me this old school feel like put it through the old school lens of like a 90s Spike Lee joint. It was awesome. Liked you dropping mention of Spanish notes and etc. Just kind of resonated with me harder than like a general description. Kind of broke the mold with how fast this flame started and then burned out was dope liked the shorter verse but feel like you could have fleshed the theme out more your last few attempts have seemed rushed.

Lars
I liked this kind of diabolical tale it was really Universe-esque if you don’t mind me saying. Also reminded me of that Paul Rudd joint on Netflix which I can’t recall the name of at the moment lol I really liked the plot it was sort of a slow burn throughout and I didn’t really know what direction you were going in until you showed up at the house then I was like “YO he’s about to do it” lmao but I enjoyed this obviously you’re a very skilled writer and these pieces feel effortless like you just breathe them into existence. No complaint about anything here.

Think Diablo edged you here Fraze he had a great premise and though your piece was poetry in motion Diablo just was a cut above to me

V/Diablo

[Objective]

Fraze - atmospheric intro, great emotional set-up. Been to Barcelona twice as well, love the city.

Father time/remix, dj concept is dope.

Lights shine at night time, hips greet melodies with a slight whine
The whole world seems aglow but that might be the white wine
^Enjoyed this as well, great writing. even tho wine/whine is a bit meh you saved it with slight/white.

Enjoy the next 2 stanzas a lot as well. Do feel that "just as my mind" reads a little choppy in terms of fluency of the sentence. Too many hard words in succession I think. Something like "while my mind" or something similar/different wording would help that bit. "Forgot that we forgot", not a big fan of using the same word twice in a sentence. If it hadn't been a champ match I probably wouldn't mention it.

Also, karaoke club on cinco de mayo doesn't quite make sense to me, expected a little more flavor in terms of that. And I think using that holiday a bit more in your favor would give further flavor to your story and location you picked out. Spanish people are known to throw great parties and festivities, the streets are filled on days like these.

Cool closure as well. Really dope take on the topic. A love story taking in the passage of time, a trip that'll eventually come to an end. Good stuff.

Diablo - first 4 lines is a dope intro. Tons of siblings experience parents, or others, playing favorites. Not fun and great storytelling to go along with it.

Don't really got much more to comment on as tge story progresses. It's a dark tale of the one left behind that emded up being filled with contempt and locked in on revenge. Eventually raping his wife by pretending to be someone he's not. Dark twist at the end.

Vote - Diablo. He had a fluent story from start to finish, great character development too. With a little more experience, a bit more fluent progression and pacing of the story along some literary devices to keep mind (certain sentence building and staying away from repetition of words) I could see Fraze snatching my vote in this cus he had that relatable emotional edge Diablo took too far to connect with but was dope in terms of the story.