02-06-2021, 03:34 PM | #1 |
low tide in serotonin bay
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WEEK NINE: OBJECTIVE 2-5 vs ADVERSE 2-1 OBJECTIVE WINS
AOWL Season IX WEEK NINE
VERSES DUE: MONDAY FEBRUARY 8th @11:59PM EST @Adverse @Objective Line min: 10 Max: 60 Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b] Topic: |
02-06-2021, 03:35 PM | #2 |
low tide in serotonin bay
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AUTO EXTENSION UNTIL TUESDAY BECAUSE OF A LATE SET UP
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02-06-2021, 03:46 PM | #3 |
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In
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I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o |
02-09-2021, 11:15 PM | #4 |
low tide in serotonin bay
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It seems as though I’ve said it all and I’m irked, what’s left to say?
I been playing my old tapes, finding refuge in the words of yesterday Walking paths previously paved instead of breaking new ground So scared of the unknown I tuck myself into the comfort of familiar sights and sounds Inspiration used to be in the wind...the life, the love, and the scars Used to hold onto my reserve of bright ideas like lightning bugs in a jar Now I’m disassociated, disenchanted with this ever fleeting planet Knowing that no matter what I say that one day my legacy will vanish My parched mouth begs for waterspouts, some way out of this drought This music I used to vibe to, that kept me alive sounds different than when I started out The ideas have run out, the well has never looked more dry I feel like my pen has run it’s course...won’t be nothing forced about this goodbye |
02-10-2021, 12:14 AM | #5 |
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"THIS"
I'm tortured with writers block, even new ideas complain that its brighter shots got the contents to drain. A mindful lightbulb hits a critical stage, like: "what's rewiring in a digital age?" Turn the switch for wishful thinking, but my brain collapse to constant blinking. Feeling the ceiling ain't holding my light, and lamp shades lost its purpose in the middle of night. Put a dent in liquid thoughts of something slower, feel the power of inspiration as its flowing over. Motivation cover most of a ghosts past, knowing damn well bitter Scrooge's won't last. Writing what's left till trash is severed, then spent, THIS LINE IS A FILLER I'm just getting rid of the top fifty percent. Brainstorm calling the kettle black till it paddles back, sad to say but that's a fact. A disease in writing - pen fighting its cataract. This piece is what bad ideas settles on, bitch please... I never claimed to be the next Thomas Edison. This pic is from a timelapse of crumpled paper lining up my mountain pass with poets running from its avalanche... Yet I know the path, so I'm here for them, "THIS" will be known as the lightbulb theorem.
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I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o |
02-12-2021, 08:19 AM | #6 | |
Badgerdick
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Interesting didactic as you both went for a similar back and forth somewhat this week.
I think given the “lightbulb moment” of a topic/idea it’s easy to see where you both drew the inspiration. Adverse’s piece, to me, drew darkly from the inspiration of his current predicament and the realities around him. There was a real sense of urgency and that our time is fleeting, his love for the craft isn’t what it was right now and that’s taken centre stage in his writing it seems. I felt the content to be very relatable, he tapped into the universal emotion at its heart and I’m sure many will find they can also relate to this predicament. It doesn’t last long though. Writing is in us all. It’s what we do. It’s an escapism we enjoy. A realm where we can express ourselves with somewhat anonymity where we otherwise may not feel comfortable. I hope his mind state improves. Objective: I liked the idea behind this, similarly to what Adverse went for but yet unique to you also. The shorter lined rhythmic cadence and implied flow was to my tastes, I especially liked this couplet as I feel it shows the maturity to your writing as Objective 2.0 that wasn’t there earlier on: Quote:
The other line that stood out to me was the Thomas Edison reference and the lightbulb theorem closer. I did feel you went for the higher hanging fruit here overall, and it was a risk for sure, but one I did feel paid off ultimately and that was the deciding factor for me personally this week - the creativity and originality in Objective’s drop over the more emotionally invested insular tale from Adverse. Vote - Objective |
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02-12-2021, 04:09 PM | #7 | ||
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Quote:
Quote:
Vote: Objective This was a harder call for me to make than I thought it would be. Adverse had a very solid verse, great rhymes technically smooth, but the ending felt a little bit rushed. He definitely made connections to the picture, but they felt more like passing mentions than a central part of his verse. I had a few more issues with Objectives verse in terms of his approach. I've see you write with better rhyming most weeks, single word rhymes are a little disappointing. But I really liked the creativity of the approach and how you took a bunch of different angles on the picture. If Adverse's post was a few lines longer and fleshed out the closing, I think he would have taken this. Verse against verse, he has a better drop on technical merits imo. But in a topical context, Objective did a better job using the picture and I have to give him a few extra points for the creativity he showed in the approach to the topic. It's close to being a tie, but after adding everything up I give the edge to Objective
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02-12-2021, 08:00 PM | #8 | |
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Vote Adverse.
Peep the Vid for my breakdown.
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