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Old 02-06-2021, 03:34 PM   #1
Adverse
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Default WEEK NINE: OBJECTIVE 2-5 vs ADVERSE 2-1 OBJECTIVE WINS

AOWL Season IX WEEK NINE

VERSES DUE: MONDAY FEBRUARY 8th @11:59PM EST

@Adverse @Objective

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Old 02-06-2021, 03:35 PM   #2
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AUTO EXTENSION UNTIL TUESDAY BECAUSE OF A LATE SET UP
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Old 02-06-2021, 03:46 PM   #3
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In
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I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave.


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Old 02-09-2021, 11:15 PM   #4
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It seems as though I’ve said it all and I’m irked, what’s left to say?
I been playing my old tapes, finding refuge in the words of yesterday
Walking paths previously paved instead of breaking new ground
So scared of the unknown I tuck myself into the comfort of familiar sights and sounds
Inspiration used to be in the wind...the life, the love, and the scars
Used to hold onto my reserve of bright ideas like lightning bugs in a jar
Now I’m disassociated, disenchanted with this ever fleeting planet
Knowing that no matter what I say that one day my legacy will vanish
My parched mouth begs for waterspouts, some way out of this drought
This music I used to vibe to, that kept me alive sounds different than when I started out
The ideas have run out, the well has never looked more dry
I feel like my pen has run it’s course...won’t be nothing forced about this goodbye
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Old 02-10-2021, 12:14 AM   #5
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"THIS"

I'm tortured with writers block,
even new ideas complain
that its brighter shots
got the contents to drain.

A mindful lightbulb hits a critical stage,
like: "what's rewiring in a digital age?"
Turn the switch for wishful thinking,
but my brain collapse to constant blinking.
Feeling the ceiling ain't holding my light,
and lamp shades lost its purpose in the middle of night.
Put a dent in liquid thoughts of something slower,
feel the power of inspiration as its flowing over.
Motivation cover most of a ghosts past,
knowing damn well bitter Scrooge's won't last.
Writing what's left till trash is severed, then spent,
THIS LINE IS A FILLER
I'm just getting rid of the top fifty percent.

Brainstorm calling the kettle black till it paddles back,
sad to say but that's a fact.
A disease in writing -
pen fighting its cataract.
This piece is what bad ideas settles on,
bitch please...
I never claimed to be the next Thomas Edison.
This pic is from
a timelapse of crumpled paper lining up my mountain pass
with poets running from its avalanche...

Yet I know the path, so I'm here for them,
"THIS" will be known as the lightbulb theorem.
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So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave.


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Old 02-12-2021, 08:19 AM   #6
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Interesting didactic as you both went for a similar back and forth somewhat this week.

I think given the “lightbulb moment” of a topic/idea it’s easy to see where you both drew the inspiration. Adverse’s piece, to me, drew darkly from the inspiration of his current predicament and the realities around him. There was a real sense of urgency and that our time is fleeting, his love for the craft isn’t what it was right now and that’s taken centre stage in his writing it seems. I felt the content to be very relatable, he tapped into the universal emotion at its heart and I’m sure many will find they can also relate to this predicament. It doesn’t last long though. Writing is in us all. It’s what we do. It’s an escapism we enjoy. A realm where we can express ourselves with somewhat anonymity where we otherwise may not feel comfortable. I hope his mind state improves.

Objective: I liked the idea behind this, similarly to what Adverse went for but yet unique to you also. The shorter lined rhythmic cadence and implied flow was to my tastes, I especially liked this couplet as I feel it shows the maturity to your writing as Objective 2.0 that wasn’t there earlier on:

Quote:
A mindful lightbulb hits a critical stage,
like: "what's rewiring in a digital age?"
I thought that was a standout for me personally both in its wording, and execution. It was a sentiment that held weight.

The other line that stood out to me was the Thomas Edison reference and the lightbulb theorem closer. I did feel you went for the higher hanging fruit here overall, and it was a risk for sure, but one I did feel paid off ultimately and that was the deciding factor for me personally this week - the creativity and originality in Objective’s drop over the more emotionally invested insular tale from Adverse.

Vote - Objective
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Old 02-12-2021, 04:09 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Adverse View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adverse View Post
It seems as though I’ve said it all and I’m irked, what’s left to say?
I been playing my old tapes, finding refuge in the words of yesterday
Walking paths previously paved instead of breaking new ground
So scared of the unknown I tuck myself into the comfort of familiar sights and sounds
solid rhymes. effective opening. word choices could have been tweaked to give this more character but it works
Inspiration used to be in the wind...the life, the love, and the scars
Used to hold onto my reserve of bright ideas like lightning bugs in a jar
Now I’m disassociated, disenchanted with this ever fleeting planet
Knowing that no matter what I say that one day my legacy will vanish
dope flow in this section. liked disassociated, disenchanted, lightning bugs and legacy.
My parched mouth begs for waterspouts, some way out of this drought
This music I used to vibe to, that kept me alive sounds different than when I started out
The ideas have run out, the well has never looked more dry
I feel like my pen has run it’s course...won’t be nothing forced about this goodbye
parched/waterspouts/drought/dry is cool. flow is still smooth. ending falls a little flat
Solid verse, not much to complain about technically. It's a little bit short and I think that hurt your ending a little bit. Could have fleshed out this idea more but you did enough to get your point across.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Objective View Post
"THIS"

I'm tortured with writers block,
even new ideas complain
that its brighter shots
got the contents to drain.
nice section. like that you're connecting to the picture right off the bat. not sure how i feel about starting with writers block if thats the subject, will have to see how you develop this. it feels a little too direct unless you're setting up misdirection. on the other hand it sets up expectations and context for the verse so that could be good depending on how you use it

A mindful lightbulb hits a critical stage,
like: "what's rewiring in a digital age?"
Turn the switch for wishful thinking,
but my brain collapse to constant blinking.
cool tie ins. looping back to the topic setup in the intro. nice word choices, lightbulb/rewiring/digital/switch/blinking->mindful/thinking/brain
Feeling the ceiling ain't holding my light,
and lamp shades lost its purpose in the middle of night.
Put a dent in liquid thoughts of something slower,
feel the power of inspiration as its flowing over.
continuing the electrical tie ins. i see what you're doing with dent/liquid thoughts as a tie in but the phrasing feels weird. would want to see you expand the liquid thoughts more since that isn't a common idea
Motivation cover most of a ghosts past,
knowing damn well bitter Scrooge's won't last.
Writing what's left till trash is severed, then spent,
THIS LINE IS A FILLER
I'm just getting rid of the top fifty percent.
this is cool in terms of flow but your rhyming feels a little simple. single syllable rhymes for the most part. filler idea is cool

Brainstorm calling the kettle black till it paddles back,
sad to say but that's a fact.
A disease in writing -
pen fighting its cataract.
rhyming picked up a little here. this feels a little bit like random word association but i can kinda get a feel for what you mean

This piece is what bad ideas settles on,
bitch please...
I never claimed to be the next Thomas Edison.
This pic is from
a timelapse of crumpled paper lining up my mountain pass
with poets running from its avalanche...
dope imagery. liked this section. style change is a little jarring but it works

Yet I know the path, so I'm here for them,
"THIS" will be known as the lightbulb theorem.
would have liked to see you set this up a little bit more. cool idea and nice concept to end the verse but might have been stronger with more lead in to the lightbulb theorem concept
Interesting verse. Very creative liked the different styles you were showing off. I feel like I would have enjoyed this more if you were able to connect the sections together more smoothly. It feels like you're jumping from thought to thought which makes it a little bit harder to parse out what you're trying to say. First two sections were strong. The last few connected to the concept well but felt disconnected from each other, which is amplified by the style differences. Makes these feel more like a collection of related poems than a single verse.

Vote: Objective This was a harder call for me to make than I thought it would be. Adverse had a very solid verse, great rhymes technically smooth, but the ending felt a little bit rushed. He definitely made connections to the picture, but they felt more like passing mentions than a central part of his verse. I had a few more issues with Objectives verse in terms of his approach. I've see you write with better rhyming most weeks, single word rhymes are a little disappointing. But I really liked the creativity of the approach and how you took a bunch of different angles on the picture.

If Adverse's post was a few lines longer and fleshed out the closing, I think he would have taken this. Verse against verse, he has a better drop on technical merits imo. But in a topical context, Objective did a better job using the picture and I have to give him a few extra points for the creativity he showed in the approach to the topic. It's close to being a tie, but after adding everything up I give the edge to Objective
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Old 02-12-2021, 08:00 PM   #8
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Vote Adverse.

Peep the Vid for my breakdown.

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