01-24-2021, 01:35 AM | #1 |
low tide in serotonin bay
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WEEK EIGHT: OBJECTIVE 2-4 vs BROKENHAL0 1-1 HAL0 WINS
AOWL Season IX WEEK EIGHT
@Objective @brokenhal0 VERSES DUE: WEDNESDAY JANUARY 27th @ 11:59PM EST Line min: 10 Max: 60 Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b] Topic: |
01-24-2021, 01:46 PM | #2 |
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Yes
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I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o |
01-24-2021, 11:45 PM | #3 |
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Homeland Mystification
My climb to power was for my own improvement no matter how far these cameras zoom in I focus threw it government agencies harnessing surveillance blueprints using location data to trace your recent movements exerting social control, turning security company's into trolls using technologies On their own thank god i ain't no civilian clone remain home they want ya health and all control enforce every tool at their disposal spy drones with 1000x megapixel mobile locate you within seconds anywhere global I stay vocal that's why im a threat to public safety personal privacy comes from higher senses if karma's hasty call me the invasive norm we watch you while you sleep as you travel interstates and parks fire escapes and dorms I only see what I can't crop the things I witness will make a man drop murders that I cant stop perverts uploading to there laptop smile for the camera bring fire to the sandbox higher-powered surveillance facial recognition inner eye clearance birds eye view watching all the by-standards with bi standards bi-polar hot tempered and vice mannered data-minded traffic evoke political agendas based on unwise actions live feeds are state power we watch you everyday and hour in the shower put a red dot on ya head like a plane tower surveillance measures for my own interests appropriate and effective scoped you on the entrance using software to classify your camera color coded essence nanobot nodes attached to your DNA chromosomes it's in the air you breathe powerless to challenge the fight balancing values of human rights while recording you at night prove what it's like the strongest satellite couldn't capture what i read or write I viewed restricted sites where black magicians killed for religious rites thumbprint access opens doors to bigger heights zeitgeist, facial-recognition life you been identified based on your lack of rhythmic spice privacy invader , highly invasive they know you by your first name exclaim threw the monitors ill be ya savior , ill see ya later they put cameras in your vaccinations , go-pros on ya head decapitations , the hidden eye of the masons , digital spy I be amazing saying this , here's some guidelines to minimize patient risk. 1. Solidify relationships , and watch who you acquainted with. 2. Silence has faith in it , the words you type and speak get recorded on the data strip. 3. Cameras can't capture the thoughts you thinking with , use them wisely realize the real eye's you seeing with. Last edited by brokenhal0; 01-27-2021 at 07:33 AM. |
01-27-2021, 06:29 AM | #4 |
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He terminate what's hollow
with bourbon, urban nature and a dollar. Certain that he's worthless, earned his social status in the circus of what follows: Attention vacant, isolated, waiting patient paved in concentrated constant hatred, pensioned motivation, sense of self construct a feel that's well sedated. So surreal, won't play some games unless it's grey and Hell-related. His magnus opus is a focus of a mind that's lost and traded, (that's the cost of ego when it's faded) orchestrated callous roses withering on past-tense totems. What's his motives? Casket closures dosed on hope that grope his nasty moments. Last to see what no one sees, climbs alone to raise the bar of the phase to be the face and grace of dying stars. Stopped inviting, dropped the lighting, living in a 2D world that color mutants fighting. Journaled sightings where his words contort absurd, so in turn... Who will read his urn with stern and "nuanced" writing? Digging graves for broken kings with Pompeii-Phoenix wings crafted from debris of nasa's ships. It's the shit that beat Apollo turning queens to leaves and trees. Such desire for destruction juggle struggle in itself; another truth in which he dwell, and just can't seem to swallow in his version of a cell. His bland shadow led astray to form a shell betting happiness on lotto every day. Hell is what he's too weak and blind to flee, while the vision of the world is what our light can be! What he's confined and forced to see in Plato's grotto... ... Is that anyone's stamina ... gets limited to their own souls camera.
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I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o Last edited by Objective; 01-27-2021 at 07:59 PM. |
02-01-2021, 12:26 AM | #5 | ||
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Quote:
Quote:
Vote: brokenhal0. This is kind of a weird battle to me. Both had solid rhyming technique and connected to the topic pic, but imo objective had a much stronger verse in terms of rhyme while hal0 did a better job with his story/topic. I could see this going either way based on preference, but to me the topic is a pretty important part of this battle format so I give hal0 the edge for better execution in that context.
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02-01-2021, 06:00 PM | #6 |
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brokenhal0:
You mispelled "through" as "threw"-- twice. The theme of the verse is very evident. Big brother and surveillance. Rhyme and flow were for the most part good. There were a few places where I felt you could have used better phrasing or word choice. I thought the ending was your strong point. It was cool and rhymed well and tied it together nicely. Objective: Interesting piece. I'm gonna be honest, I was pretty lost, especially in the 4th stanza. Didn't quite understand what you were talking about. The rhymes are there, and the flow is pretty good. I just wish I knew more about what this was about. Overall, neither verse jumped out at me amazing or as something I will remember forever. brokenhal0 related more to the topic, but was a bit choppy and random with some of his phrases. Had a strong ending though. Objective packed a lot of rhymes in but I didn't grasp what he was writing about. The ending loosely ties to the pic. I don't WANT to do this, particularly with the lack of voters, but based on my analysis I feel like calling this a draw. Both verses had ups and downs. Neither stood out as a winner, but neither was clearly worse either. Sorry, that's my vote. |
02-02-2021, 12:30 PM | #7 |
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Interesting topic for sure. It reminds me of a Banksy work, nonetheless, somewhat satirical in its nature which is quite fun to me personally and not as serious as it might first appear. I think aside from the obvious totalitarian technology taking over type scenario, the focus really has to be on the faceless figure on the climbing frame. Who is that figure, could it be your inner child perhaps - seeking an escape from the norm? There are many outlets it could be applied to, but I may have perhaps toyed with something closer to all our hearts perhaps in this hobby of ours - I could be the one breaking free of its many constraints - under the watchful eyes of my peers (pun always intended of course). Anyway, enough about me, let’s see how you guys have this one...
Brokenhal0: This verse struck me as having similarities to the one you used against Master Rock, which was arguably your showing of the season, the topic itself lends itself to you kindly in that you prefer a more ethereal and abstract style choice over the direct correlation and storytelling. The flow is easily digestible for the most part, picking up noteably toward the middle of the verse but the final numbered bullet points did little for me, in truth, and if anything detracted from the final form. I think you started strong but had a finish that needed more in the way of execution here, even if it did its job in summary, I felt I still needed more in the way of resolution and conclusion than was offered up. Objective: I enjoyed the mechanics you put into this; the lead character is somewhat of a prisoner of his own thinking (or thoughts) and I think you put a lot of your personal life in this as you drew inspiration. It’s injected in several lines throughout, “Digging graves for broken kings,” was a particular highlight I enjoyed. I wasn’t keen on the formatting, not that it matters, but it seemed more of an attempt for the verse to “seem” longer than it was rather than adding any artistic value to me. I think because of its brevity, perhaps, you wanted to make this feel more of a contest in the viewers eyes by making your piece seem elongated - it works, to an extent, no doubt but I don’t necessarily feel it was needed here to be truthful. I think in terms of purely mechanics and technical abilities you were both evenly matched - but in different areas. Brokenhal0 had more in the way of implied rhythmic cadence and flow coupled with rhyme placement while Objective had more to offer me in terms of multi strings, by way of thoughtful content and again in rhyme placement actually which he has worked hard on in recent months. I think, overall, I favoured Objective in more individual areas I tend to look for than Brokenhal0, and that was the deciding factor for me - overall - with no one particular thing to split the two coming to mind immediately. It’s a close one, as the tie-vote eluded to, but I had Objective here.
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02-02-2021, 01:15 PM | #8 |
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broken – your writing seems a lot better, impressive throughout, verse was well paced n engaging , the ending passage is dope. you took that pic and ran with it, good job
surveillance measures for my own interests appropriate and effective scoped you on the entrance using software to classify your camera color coded essence this part stood out object – I liked the flow here, probably too fast paced, lines are too short with no real message in parts Stopped inviting, dropped the lighting, living in a 2D world that color mutants fighting. Journaled sightings where his words contort absurd, so in turn... Who will read his urn with stern and "nuanced" writing? Digging graves for broken kings with Pompeii-Phoenix wings crafted from debris of nasa's ships. It's the shit that beat Apollo turning queens to leaves and trees. Such desire for destruction juggle struggle in itself; another truth in which he dwell, and just can't seem to swallow in his version of a cell. reads well but more content needed, the ending passed me by which effected my mindset on this...I think brokenhals improvement got the best of you today. nice battle overall |
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