14. Timeless vs. Soulstice - (Soulstice wins NS)

[Vulgar]

You've been enlisted for an abstract cause.

NO LINE LIMIT
VOTE ON OTHER BATTLES (thanks)

Verses Due Sunday Morning.
Midnight Western / 3 AM Eastern / 8 AM UK.
(Extensions only granted if opponent accepts, anything else is unaccepted.)

Voting Ends Monday Night
12 AM Western / 3AM Eastern / 8 AM UK.
Exceptions can be made if a suitable reason is supplied
Remember The Earlier The Verses In The Sooner The Votes
Have Fun
Peace


Topic:




@Soulstice @timeless

[Soulstice]

Check

[Soulstice]

We're verses due already? Am I late? Can I get an extension until tonight?
@timeless are you there?

[Vulgar]

Verses are due tonight, but if you get an extension with Timeless' approval, you can have until tomorrow night. If he's not around, I'll vouch for your extension.

[Soulstice]

im considering it vouched for. goodnight

[Soulstice]

The Last One

"Attention Major Kane. We're coming to get you.. Hold tight."

"Show no mercy" - the closing transmission
Finish the enemy - snap the bones of the victim
Cold and vindictive - the barrel smoking and spinning
Three foot death ray best fit for explosive conditions
On the road to perdition - as wave after wave
Of enemy fell into the mass grave that he laid

It stretched out forever - the cadavers, feed for some ravenous beasts.
Now the passage of reasons happens fasters
than they'd have you believe, once you adapt to bereavement.
The final transmission:"No factions retreat."
Deceived by these Capital chiefs but
there's no time to wave flags
Nor for the pacifist creed that defined him in days past.

The marauder maneuvered across the apocalypse ruins
Between abysses & chasms methodically sutured
With the wreckage of vessels shipwrecked and shattered
Among the infinite badlands, he hears whispers and laughter
Head on a swivel, prepared to leave any enemy riddled
Beneath stars.. his weaponry glistened. He saw long-forgotten faces
Of all the awful, rotten places.. he thought. Was it Sara?
His memory fading, the names of his daughter and wife
Like specters, abating.. until every thought is lost in the night
She said: "It's been forever, we're waiting."
But he must remember his training.

"Kill everything living" - the final transmission rang in his brain
Comrades and enemies both - dead and arranged - in wasted decay
Nothing sated his rage, not even the arrival of a rescue ship
Though they shouted his name, he denied their benevolence
The nemesis. The violence, imperative.
Now the crew smiled, extending their favor
Must recall camp. Must follow orders. Must remember the training.

[fraze]

Originally Posted by Soulstice

"Show no mercy" - the closing transmission
Finish the enemy - snap the bones of the victim
Cold and vindictive - the barrel smoking and spinning

It stretched out forever - the cadavers, feed for some ravenous beasts.
Now the passage of reasons happens fasters
than they'd have you believe, once you adapt to bereavement.
The final transmission:"No factions retreat."
Deceived by these Capital chiefs but
there's no time to wave flags
Nor for the pacifist creed that defined him in days past.

The marauder maneuvered across the apocalypse ruins
Between abysses & chasms methodically sutured
With the wreckage of vessels shipwrecked and shattered
Among the infinite badlands, he hears whispers and laughter
Head on a swivel, prepared to leave any enemy riddled
Beneath stars.. his weaponry glistened. He saw long-forgotten faces
Of all the awful, rotten places.. he thought. Was it Sara?

Though they shouted his name, he denied their benevolence
The nemesis. The violence, imperative.
Now the crew smiled, extending their favor
Must recall camp. Must follow orders. Must remember the training.

This was a great piece. Brainwashed soldier gone renegade until he found himself the last man. You clearly have solid command of the technical aspects (think I remember reading you before and you were good then). Nice story progression, good rhyme and flow, imagery and emotion. I liked the transmission theme you used through the verse. This would have been a tough verse to beat, very well rounded and enjoyable to read.

[Woke]

I enjoyed the read especially the third stanza, I felt the flow in that section was just written seamless. You brought your point home of a man on a mission to destroy all as his training made him. I didn't like 3/4's of the way through you nonchalantly tossed in "sara" and daughter and wife or something. But when you talked about there memories slipping I felt you salvaged the meaning behind it all. Good read though, actually one of my favorites that I read round one.

[Geno]

cool
the vivid depiction of battle and death was nice. kind of an obvious approach (i find myself saying that a lot this rnd) but hey, your opponent didnt show -so congrats on making it to rnd two.
you have good mechanics man. and this was pretty smooth. had some nice transitions. looking forward to more from you

[UnbornBuddha]

I enjoyed it, but not as descriptive as some of your other works, which sometimes an overbearing of them on the reader overshadows the point of the theatrical display, we call a narrative. A narrative is what you tend to go toward, mainly on the basis that its relatability is closer to the account of your own life, inspired moments that can be told and somewhat relived, and then changed through text, through further reflection, and recollection of the detailing of the situation. Inspiration that derives from a sensory draft, and then reimagined, so as to depict a scenario that fits the topic.
Anyways, I was following along, and was quite in the rhythm of it, but when you inserted Sarah, I felt some of the impact of the story dwindled, and you went a bit astray, reason being is because the name seemingly appeared out of the ether.
Nevertheless, I thought it was well done, and an easy to follow sketch derived from the image. Thank you.

[Vulgar]

There is something cold and dark and distant about that picture, which is why I chose it. You hit on a number of different angles that catered to that feeling of hollow, devoid space life. In this case, for a space cadet/soldier whose programming extends too far into his genome or his psyche. He is literally enamored with his duties, to the point where he has to follow unjust orders and exterminate all life he comes into contact with.

Your strong point lies within your diction, where you are able to craft some impressive strings of imagery and plot-pointers, such as this section:

The marauder maneuvered across the apocalypse ruins
Between abysses & chasms methodically sutured
With the wreckage of vessels shipwrecked and shattered
Among the infinite badlands, he hears whispers and laughter

Dope.

There may have been something lacking conceptually here, a hidden or underlying meaning to this soldier who roams these badlands, minding his life-guiding, death promoting military transmissions. I don't think you capitalized on them, or if you considered something additional, it wasn't explored in full and put to use. What resulted was a satisfying topical verse that left a little to be desired in terms of a little more depth, characterization, and outcome. Overall, it was a solid drop.

Thanks for showing!