07-01-2017, 08:37 PM | #1 |
ghost in the matrix
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Covington, KY
Posts: 4,564
Battle Record: 14-25
Champed - Art of Writing League (x2)
- Lime Green Poetry Association
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spoken word
I use to count every stair when I walked up the steps
Only to go back down halfway till the middle of each foot sat on the edges evenly 16 times. I would switch the foot I felt like I was leading with when I walked, To make sure I didn't take too many steps between the concrete sidewalk squares on either foot. When I ran I would sometimes trip and fall, Because I felt like I was using one leg more than the other and tried to even the strides mid Sprint. But she made me slow down. She made me forget to count. Sometimes I had to double back and count again; But some times, on the best days, I didn't need to count at all. I scrunched my toes between the shadows on the street when the sun was setting, Because I felt like I belonged evenly in the sunlight and the darkness. I would hum to myself I would hum to myself I would hum out loud to myself Till I felt like I hit all of the cadences equally. 1...2...3...4...5...6... I would pause and start over counting because nothing should go more than 6 seconds without a break. But you broke me. I went 3 years without a break. 5 years of being a father and 3 being a husband that never counted unless it was teaching my kids how to count to 10. They didn't learn to pause after 6 Or how to hum to themselves Hum to themselves Hum quietly or loudly to themselves while they counted or walked down the stairs. But I needed a break. I needed a break from not needing breaks. Because you broke me of my 6 second breaks to make sure life wasn't moving too fast. But it did. Life passed so quickly I forgot to count or scrunch my toes because I didn't like the shadows as much as the sun And when I sang to my daughter I always had the right cadence when I sang the itsy bitsy spider. But then she left me. And I'm left counting the minutes in 6 second intervals till i'll sing to my daughter again. I'm counting the steps to my car as I walked away from the place we lived together for the last time. I sleep with my toes scrunched because I'm afraid the sun will remind me of the days I forgot to care about time. I hum to myself hum to myself HUM OUT LOUD TO MYSELF The itsy bitsy spider song because I can't get it or the cadence out of my head. I've been broken my whole life, But for 5 years as a father and 3 years as a husband I forgot that I was broken And it felt good. You made me realize that I'm fixable, I'm not a lost cause I just can't stop thinking or counting or humming because every 6 seconds is 6 seconds I'm spending being broken for 6 more seconds at a time. And 6 seconds from now I will have scrunched my toes and hummed to myself getting ready to do it again in another 6 seconds. So forgive me for counting every memory every song every picture every morning every dinner and breakfast and lunch and weekend and weekday because, I went to remember every single second I ever spent not counting them all. Time is man-made, I control it. I control every 6 seconds of my life If I just keep counting down the time till I can forget to count, and can forget to let go of the control that I have, so I can get control of the time that I never had. You fixed me, For 438,000 6 second intervals... Just to let me break again. So I will never stop counting. Because the last time I gave up my 6 second hold on life... It went spiraling out of control, And counting the number of times I saw it coming Didn't do a damn thing to stop it.
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