06-04-2013, 08:49 PM | #1 |
Tsk Tsk
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Round one: Nigma vs. Objective [Nigma Wins 4-2]
THERE WILL BE ZERO NO SHOWS...So if you do write a ten line no show verse live with the loss when a random alternate comes in and beats you..FY motherfucking I!!
16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.) Verses are due SATURDAY 6/8 at 11:59 PST. Extensions are due SUNDAY 6/9 at 11:59 PST. You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links in the Voting Thread. For every absent vote, you will be deducted ONE vote next week. I am much less lenient on this rule then Keith, so please vote. While there's no absolute criteria for voting, 1 line votes and criminally underdeveloped ones won't be allowed. I will holler via private message if I think a vote of yours isn't up to snuff and you'll be allowed to develop it, as long as you do it within the deadline. At a minimum, you should aim to include what you liked and what you didn't like (if anything) about each verse as well as an explanation towards why you thought one verse was better than the other. There is NO RECYCLING.BITING.GHOSTWRITING. Voting ends TUESDAY 6/11 at 11:59 PST.(Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.) You MUSTcheck in. NOTE: Swaying, excessive freeposting, voter fraud etc. are grounds for vote deductions at discretion of the moderators. Editing your verse after the grace period, after your opponent posts, or after the first vote (especially this)- as well as biting- are grounds for disqualification at discretion of the moderators. TOPIC: Incoming... Good luck to both participants @Nigma @Objective
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I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR Last edited by Adonis; 06-13-2013 at 10:20 PM. |
06-04-2013, 08:54 PM | #2 |
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It's ON! If I should get beat by someone in the play-offs I'm happy it's you @Nigma. Give me your absolute best.
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I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o Last edited by Objective; 06-09-2013 at 04:01 AM. |
06-05-2013, 12:24 AM | #3 |
The COAT...
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That, right there, is a sexy fucking picture. Red 3 standing by, Red 6 standing by, Red Button standing by, Red Fox standing by, BIG RED standing by, Red October standing by, Helen Reddy standing by, Simply Red standing by.
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Last edited by Nigma; 06-05-2013 at 11:51 PM. |
06-09-2013, 03:03 PM | #4 |
The COAT...
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The Illuminatus
Rodent grown in a mouse hole, exposure lone to his household. . . When he goes and strays outdoors, he grows a changed outlook Ours was in an olden age alcove, a stone worked canal road 3 of us discuss occult in a black hole, me, Vulgar and Al Poe Gather in the cold and enshrouded now to let loose in a vision Scribbled symbols in tune with tradition and drew with precision I moved through the hymns, simply doing so triggers a movement within us, producing a figure who consumed my existence... In the depths of me this entity approved my permission Vision enters in it's centerpiece, removing all wisdom Whispers woo me with this one.. It said... "In your eye or iris don't look inside and admire Because pride is a virus, the giant igniter of fire Lacking in humility conspires to inspire our desires These desires may reap their toll and break control See your neighbors gold, go take ahold to make your own Embracing things not paid and sold will lace your skin And stay within the brain, emitting rays of coal Degrades existence in the way of sins that taint your soul Mistakes may fold the days your only heart is pumping If you take the marked substance it'll stay in large numbers Under siege, succumb to greed for some to see the dark coming Or.. Desire may adjust in it's planning, lead to gluttonous actions If your gut is too fat, Stomach expands, it's a struggle to stand Eating something that some wish they had Intake doubling that of a humbly fed man You're the scum of the planet to the ones that inhabit the slums of your land It has come to this stand, Some are punished with death, other slumping, a mess Bent with lumps and the stress, until nothing is left ... Except rage and revenge Wrath displayed, and is lived after plate stacking phases The victim of taken dishes with riches misplaced and still missing Embracing a mission to break him submissive and take what you wish It's the way of traditional craziness, which it is Paved in the midst of the chaos to smear up the pages Sins, clearly, can tame us, it's biblical cadence Their merely the basis of spiritual laziness Which, impurely, the greatest of fears to estrange with Either purge this or face eternal person ablaze And be cursed with a plague in the worst of the ways This is not just a play, life's obscured in the shade Light will drop on the stage like a curtain in flames" I emerged from the lesson disturbed but perplexed Since submerged in the depths I've had perfect perception Every person I've met since has been lurking with death It's their work and their debt to reverse the direction Or be burnt within purgatory, thirst left un-quenched It's "the curse of this the Earth" in the words of the essence
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Last edited by Nigma; 06-09-2013 at 03:06 PM. |
06-09-2013, 03:21 PM | #5 |
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Emmanuel Kant: The Conflicted Diaries.
The brain is abstract and the subconscious a beast; its eye never sleeps, it's consuming thoughts while being responsible for your personal feats. The chessboard seeks vengeance and serves as life's puzzles, its pieces finds its place when you're revising your internal hustles. Mike was majoring philosophy and praised the idelogy of Kant, but his thoughts transforms and break grounds like a plant. It took charge of his view of the world, and he became a slave to himself, he evolved into the prophecy of the teachings; a personal hell. But he started dating someone in his class; An angel going by Jane. She believed the opposite, claimed there's no such thing as pain; ''Only if we perceive a problem in our brains they're starting to form'', but each time she said this his head cooked up an entire storm. A confusion of dimensions, knowledge and planets stuck inside fences, no matter how much he twisted and turned; he deemed himself defenseless. ''Senseless!'', he yelled, but she was talking 'bout the distance between them, When he listened it hit him, ''how can I reclaim this sought after gem?'' But the serotonin was gone, no more romance in chem, He knows the root of love is broken if it's cut off from the stem. A friend came to help; he gave advice to revise what he's been taught, And the picture of his mind explains what's behind every thought. ''It rustles my jimmies'', he said, and the landscape went silent, in his conscious mind the world seemed morbid and violent. The king finds its place in the center, the pawns is hardly making a scene, All of them is dark pieces of his past, but there's no sight of his queen. Almost as if his dreams was in stand-by, just waiting to blossom. And the seeds of his deeds seemed to be playing possum, at least to the naked eye. But he twists and shakes inside, the lakes within dried for the greyscale that taints the atmosphere of his mind. The eye of the beast plays a part when he fights for this girl, people neglect the change that represents a former distorted world. Isn't it colorful enough for them? Who said flowers really mattered? If only she knew the battles he's fought she'd be beyond flattered. Analyzing and patronizing, energetic but overly calm on the surface, monks would swear that this man's meditating for a higher purpose. The debris of a shattered existence is a mind breaking out of the loop, He's about to be free as he's now focused on the oblivious truth. The pyramid is a symbol of the obstacles in his gameplan, but it wouldn't be there if he wasn't analyzing his aim and creating issues that shouldn't be present. It truly distorted the view, but it's also what makes the difference between me, him and you. So what does it do? Why does the white pieces have to start the fight? The queen stands behind the pyramid, all he needs is a shed of light. A dread of might and the obstacle will be removed to give him the cue, when the pieces of their souls string together they'll be connected for eternity too. He called her up and the neurons found paths Amor couldn't have linked, and that's how love made sure that Kant's theories went extinct.
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I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o Last edited by Objective; 06-09-2013 at 03:23 PM. |
06-10-2013, 11:32 PM | #6 |
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Enjoyed Enigmas characterization of the all-seeing eye, it had a strong dialogue that was markedly different from the narration. Good contrast and the dialogue chosen was awkward but fit well because it was not a human entity narrating E.g., "It has come to this stand," - the strangeness of the phrase fits well.
Objective had some nice subtle wordplay's the Amor line and connection to chemicals and love was clever. However, there is some problem with mixing of metaphors, the chess imagery felt unnecessary. While the checkerboard was a part of the image stimulus it felt like your writing about Kant and the whole "love is just chemicals" parts were much stronger, and parts where you switched to the chess metaphors felt weaker. Overall it is well balanced contest, voting for Enigma. |
06-12-2013, 01:37 AM | #7 |
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Wow, based on density alone, this should be BOTW for me, I thought me and Adonis had some deep thoughts, but yall went down the rabbit hole on this one, very much befitting that crazy ass pic.
First some quotes.. Nigma: 3 of us discuss occult in a black hole, me, Vulgar and Al Poe - Made me LOL, you nerds would be talking conspiracy In your eye or iris don't look inside and admire Because pride is a virus, the giant igniter of fire Lacking in humility conspires to inspire our desires These desires may reap their toll and break control See your neighbors gold, go take ahold to make your own Embracing things not paid and sold will lace your skin - That whole italicized section actually was highly inventive, great sense of a different speaker, intriguing rhyme scheme, just hot fire really Bent with lumps and the stress, until nothing is left - I'm appreciating the shout out here, lol Great ending to the italicized part, again its just a great coupling with the topic, its abstract, its strange, its otherworldly love the image of the play and the curtain in flames, very smart. Fascinating message, but I just wish there was a bit more chaos and conflict between who the teacher and the students are and what lasting impact this wisdom will really have? ------------------------------------------ Objective: The chessboard seeks vengeance and serves as life's puzzles, its pieces finds its place when you're revising your internal hustles. - This, i had a problem with. First two lines worked great. I think i understand what you are aiming at, but its unclear and I needed a better connection between the chessboard, its pieces, and life. But the serotonin was gone, no more romance in chem, He knows the root of love is broken if it's cut off from the stem. - That line was just inspired and really brilliant man, loved that and really appreciated the mix of intelligence and emotion characterized by Mike, cuz that's college life, fine honeys and brain power lol It rustles my jimmies'', he said, and the landscape went silent, in his conscious mind the world seemed morbid and violent. The king finds its place in the center, the pawns is hardly making a scene, All of them is dark pieces of his past, but there's no sight of his queen - ok, now your chessboard conceit is beginning to become a bit clearer, I appreciate that more. Rustles made me LOL The debris of a shattered existence is a mind breaking out of the loop - Great, quotable line here. Just creative and strong writing I am disappointed in both of you that there was no mention of the Nautilus that is clearly in the picture, it is only one of the coolest sea creatures ever, and has to be an inspiration for this crazy shit. In any case, great battle. I feel that this is some of the best I have ever read from Nigma. He put his amazing skills on display here, only think lacking in this story/topical was a sense of the stakes and some conflict to push it along and really make it cook. I get that it was you three guys who got this vision, but why? what makes you so damn cool that this eyeball wonder being would break down the evil of the power/class structure with you three? only real quibble with the verse lol. Objective came with a fascinating, multi-layered story that had hints of CerealKiller in there to me, only thing missing would be some rainbow text lol Shouts to @CerealKiller, h'es the man. I feel that what plagued this verse was some confusion as to how your conceit of the chessboard really fit, i thought it was a great and creative idea that you just didnt really apply as well as I had hoped. verse lacks the wizardry of Nigma, but you show some real emotional depth and intelligence when tackling a philosopher's love story. Tough battle. Vote -Nigma for a verse I enjoyed more, Objective dropped a solid piece but if Nigma insists on writing like this, we had all better step it up.
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IamBenT|Genocide|MikeWrecka|Objective|Vulgar|Witty |Rawn MacDon |
06-12-2013, 09:11 AM | #8 |
Tsk Tsk
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2-0 nigma
Playoffs require 2 vote differential...*Hopefully this is possible here* voting after work
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06-13-2013, 12:44 AM | #9 |
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This is my 3rd attempt at voting on this here battle folks -- keeping it brief.
Nigma - Poetic flow that was like a trance. Effortless read. Read it 3 times and it made my brain light up like a jelly fish in the ocean depths each time. Smooth schemes. Verse had a calming effect. I will read it again probably. Objective - Don't know who kant is - but im sure you made dude proud. Intricate details mixed with some simple schemes made for a compact verse without being too monotonous. Voted for Nigma
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06-13-2013, 12:56 AM | #10 |
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Got Objective
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06-13-2013, 06:06 PM | #11 |
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quick vote sorry guys
nigma - I liked this verse. but you didn't have your normal great multis and flow in this piece like yours usually do. actually the end rhymes weren't that great in some spots. like right off the bat Rodent grown in a mouse hole, exposure lone to his household When he goes and strays outdoors, he grows a changed outlook that doesn't work for me. with that being said I think your take on the topic was incredible. and the verse really captured my attention. you have great word usage in the middle and beginning of each line. and for the most part good end rhymes it just seems like once in a while you put a word at the end that doesn't rhyme with the previous, then you go back to the rhyme scheme. but ya I enjoyed it. Objective - this leaned towards basic in some spots, but the cadence was strong so I enjoyed it. more multis would have helped. that being said I liked the story, and you had some real poetic and poignant lines in there. such as the flower and the stem one. overall, good battle guys. my vote is not doing it justice just pressed for time. just know I read them both twice and definitely liked them. in the end nigmas end rhymes bothered me a bit. objective had a verse that sounded better and had some real powerful lines in there. very close. but vote - objective
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06-13-2013, 07:37 PM | #12 |
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nigma - this was a trip down the rabbit hole in a sense - turning the biblical canaan on it's head in many ways and almost fleshing out SIN as an governing ideology from the inside out. you gave a heavy emphasis to gluttony and a contemptuous allusion to the "thou shalt not steal from thy neighbor" parable. all in all, it was a clean-cut (rhythmically) look inside what you deem as illumination. im glad you didnt go a traditional illuminati route. and the shoutout to vulgar had me smiling, that was dope.
a bit preachy for my taste, honestly. but what you gave us was insightful and well-done. objective - firstly, idk where you're from or what accent you possess but in my americanized chicago dialect, KANT, as in Immanuel (not Emmanuel), and PLANT do not rhyme whatsoever. if you pronounce plant with a soft 'A' as they do in the UK i understand. otherwise, i'll just have to assume you have only read his work as opposed to discussing it verbally. i enjoyed your chemical interpretation of love and emotion and how you attempted to tie Kantian ideas into your Romeo and Juliet's tale. the metapors were a bit convoluted in spots because there was no real development between mike and jane in a literal sense, it was almost an entire piece devoted to orienting your metaphors (such as the chess board) that never really had a chance to come full circle. i am not terribly familiar with Kantian philosophy to the point where i feel comfortable breaking down segments of your verse exhibiting his ideas, but i think the initial break in their relationship - their distance created by a differing philosophy of love, the world, etc. - was really cool. i have read that one of the most effective predictors of a successful romantic relationship has to do with shared spiritual or ideological interests. is this true objectively? id say of course not.. but ive had experiences that could certainly make a case for it. a few problems i had were obviously the misspelling of kant's name, and the potential mispronunciation of it as well. it immediately dissipated a sense of credibility behind your writing which is essential in a verse attempting to teach us something, as i felt this was. i really enjoyed the romantic aspect of what was at it's core a philosophical undertaking, it made everything more accessible. like an ocean liner on rocky seas. overall, and this is a tough one here, i will have to award my vote to objective. he ultimately wrote something that encompasses a succinct pattern, but used a very interesting (although scattered and almost disorganized at times) literary device to do so. both could work on their wording so that it catches reader's attention, i felt both verses dragging on at points due to their lyrical structuring alone. anyway VOTE OBJECTIVE you guys take care, this was a great matchup here 1
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06-13-2013, 08:05 PM | #13 |
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nigma - hmM. it looks like, you focused on an individual's gluttony to make a point about man in general. our greed will be our end. i think the end of the italicized portion pointed to Earth as we know it ending in nuclear winter..
This is not just a play, life's obscured in the shade Light will drop on the stage like a curtain in flames" that really is where we're going, and our own nature is definitely taking us there. thirst left un-quenched. powerful piece altogether. you pushed 19 syllables across like nothing.. You're the scum of the planet to the ones that inhabit the slums of your land i can't even talk shit. inner sandwich on assonance bread. you weren't a stickler about your end rhyme.. but the sounds meshed well enough for me not to count it against you because the inners were on point. great piece. objective - man. you had an extremely strong point here. as was said before, i really did need a stronger reason to say kant was wrong. just because we act like fools for women who are off the moment cut off from the "stem" .. giggidy.. anyway, that shit was funny. but in all reality, you asserted an extremely bold statement to be backed up with a giggidy. you were coming through here.. A friend came to help; he gave advice to revise what he's been taught, And the picture of his mind explains what's behind every thought. but where did that train of thought go? who's his friend? was it kant(get laid)? hm. i'm confused. The pyramid is a symbol of the obstacles in his gameplan, but it wouldn't be there if he wasn't analyzing his aim and creating issues that shouldn't be present. It truly distorted the view, but it's also what makes the difference between me, him and you. you've made a good point here. it just sounded like some advice from the ages. good shit. i'm just a little confused overall. not really sure what to make of the story, it's symbolism, kant's theories, and the girl. i think.. there were some issues with words that didn't necessarily add to the story or modify its content. maybe i'm being nitpicky, but here for instance.. All of them is dark pieces of his past, but there's no sight of his queen. Almost as if his dreams was in stand-by, just waiting to blossom. And the seeds of his deeds seemed to be playing possum, four "his", "seemed" wasn't necessary. played possum "" inserted after deeds would shorten that thought and allow room for effective modifiers, additional development. there are many places throughout slight rewordings could allow for additional plot development. i only heckle you for this, because i feel like you had a very profound statement to make i either haven't grasped or wasn't fully explained due to length issues. that said, i really enjoyed the piece. i've been trying to figure it out since tuesday and still can't quite make sense of it all. but you had some good rhymes, a great take on the subject, clever word choices.. just needed to be trimmed down a bit and tied together a smidgen of a little for the win. /v- nigma. fully developed idea, hard hitting rhymes. it would have been hard to beat him this week with any verse. Last edited by patrown; 06-13-2013 at 08:09 PM. |
06-13-2013, 10:20 PM | #14 |
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4-2 Nigma advances
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