emotional explosion

[H4ZE]

I've been neglected and used
That makes depression ensue
I'm gettin abused,
Been beaten,I've been left with a bruise
Now I question the truth,I've been lied to so many times
I now hate people,they're all full of stupid and petty lies
Every time I trust some one they end up bein fake
There's no real people they're all devils,evil snakes
I feel enraged,I'm filled with hate and depression
The real are fake,but still they make good impressions
Like they're worth trusting,but none are trustworthy
They don't wanna help,they're out to hurt,they're bloodthirsty
They'll tell you they love you,then turn around and talk shit
Spreadin rumors till every one's heard about the wrong shit
Even family, you really can trust no one I mean it
These people damaged me,now I can no longer believe em
They faked and lied, they said they'd be there for me forever
Now I hate my life,cuz I know they deceived me for pleasure

[Sick]

This flowed well, but the rhymes were pretty basic (rhyming "shit" with "shit" - not good)


I get the emotion in this piece though, props


you have to read some of the best oms in here and understand how to create good visuals with a larger vocab


keep elevating though

[Illume]

Originally Posted by H4ZE

I've been neglected and used
That makes depression ensue
I'm gettin abused,
Been beaten,I've been left with a bruise
Now I question the truth,I've been lied to so many times
I now hate people,they're all full of stupid and petty lies
Every time I trust some one they end up bein fake
There's no real people they're all devils,evil snakes
I feel enraged,I'm filled with hate and depression
The real are fake,but still they make good impressions
Like they're worth trusting,but none are trustworthy
They don't wanna help,they're out to hurt,they're bloodthirsty
They'll tell you they love you,then turn around and talk shit
Spreadin rumors till every one's heard about the wrong shit
Even family, you really can trust no one I mean it
These people damaged me,now I can no longer believe em
They faked and lied, they said they'd be there for me forever
Now I hate my life,cuz I know they deceived me for pleasure

I personally liked this. Some lines show great potential. An extra syllable here or there, or a slightly different choice of word can really make all the difference to your scheme though. It's good, but some places require pauses that might be better filled with sound and vice versa. Think about your rhyme on a syllabic level, and about where you want to make an impression. For instance, and this is just a quick edit;

I've been neglected and used
This makes depression ensue
I been gettin abused,
Beat and left with a bruise
Now I question the truth,
I've been lied to so many times
Now I hate people cause people are
full of these petty lies
Every time I trust somebody
they end up as a fake
There's no real people around
only devils evils and snakes
I feel enraged -
I'm filled with hate and depression
The real are the fake but they
make their decent impressions
Like they're worth trusting...
but none are trustworthy
They don't wanna help -
they're bloodthirsty
They'll tell you they love you,
then turn and talk shit
Spreadin rumors till everybody has
heard about the wrong bit
Even family,
you can't trust em, I mean it
These people damaged me,
now I no longer believe em
They faked and lied,
said they'd be there forever
Now I hate my life,cuz I know
they deceived me for pleasure

[Vulgar]

Cool stuff, I like the way you rhyme. Also, good emotional content / aggression. The last bar was pretty solid too. Since you're new, welcome to the site.

Keep doing you

[H4ZE]

Thanks for the feed guys

[Just Write]

Ok im high.and in the need to feed shit so here goes, your structure was actually good but some of your wording was off. Let me try to explain

Originally Posted by H4ZE

I've been neglected and used
That makes depression ensue

right here if it sounds off. when you read it back to yourself, try a different word, i would have used "which" instead of "that", reason being is the "i" soft sound clicks with the soft "i" sound in depression, doesnt make a big difference but the word "that" just is way out of place here imo


I'm gettin abused,
Been beaten,I've been left with a bruise

right here i would have taken out the word ive. We already know you're talkin about you and its just unneccesary


Now I question the truth,I've been lied to so many times
I now hate people,they're all full of stupid and petty lies

Here this was a good bar but it could have been worded better, sometimes what i do if i get stuck is to just stop writing for awhile. Whether i just come back later or just start writing something else and then come back (i have like 30 half finished pieces) this will help you refresh your brain though. For example i would have said

sometimes i question the truth, ive been lied to so many time
hate everyone in my life, they're stupid, useless and lie

Those little things help the overall flow

Every time I trust some one they end up bein fake
There's no real people they're all devils,evil as snakes


you could have used as inbetween evil snakes to make it make a little more sense and match up syllable wise


I feel enraged,I'm filled with hate and depression
The real are fake,but still they make good impressions

i liked this right here

Like they're worth trusting,but none are trustworthy
They don't wanna help,they're out to hurt,they're bloodthirsty

again, dope


They'll tell you they love you,then turn around and talk shit
Spreadin rumors till every one's heard about the wrong shit
Even family, you really can trust no one I mean it
These people damaged me,now I can no longer believe em
They faked and lied, they said they'd be there for me forever
Now I hate my life,cuz I know they deceived me for pleasure


the rest of this was solid

I'm in no means one of the best writers but i do believe i am a good writer and just seeing potential i thought i would try to give you the best advice i have, and most of this is just from being around all these great writers. If you want to improve read these guys and learn from them @Certain @dead man @Vulgar @Geo Oats (oats change your name back bro, this is the second time ive had to edit cuz of your fuckin name, certain.. get on this) these are some of the top om writers. Anyways dont take this too critical, just trying to help. Peace