Week 2 - Innovator vs Split Eight - SPLIT EIGHT WINS

[Mike Wrecka]

Memo week 2.
Greetings competitors, we continue on with a more conceptual challenge. I have noticed an alarming trend on this netcees.com - users calling each other fa***ts, ni***rs, his***ics and ret***s. DIVERSITY WEEK, include the group you are given in your writing. Note, it does not need to be a positive representation, or a support-type verse, just include some reference to the group you were given. Again, the group does not have to necessarily be the focus of your writing, or even be a correct/accurate representation, as a minimum you only need include a reference to the task you were given. You can write about anything you like. Find below your match-ups and specific tasks.

Specific Task - Kluver-Bucys


Due date - Wednesday Midnight PST

Good luck @Innovator @Split Eight

[Inno]

super cala fragilistic expialidocious my nigga

[Split]

Mighty mos check

[Split]

Kluver-Bucys

(noun, Psychiatry)
a syndrome caused by bilateral injury to the temporal lobes and characterized by memory defect, hypersexuality, excessive oral behavior, and diminished fear reaction...Hypermetamorphosis - a desire to explore everything....
Emotional changes - emotion was dulled and facial movements and vocalisations were far less expressive.


Often misdiagnosed in India

The day I diagnosed her

I pour over roaring city rain, my Mumbai morning dread commute.
I wore my finest 'poor and destitute.' Poor student up for med review.
Pining for Madagascar traipses in turn of groggy, plodding, cadence,
Coddled prodigy of sameness. I'm the Indian equivalent of Eeyore,
Alone. Steam'ing up my Cloud with ten-packs. Checking out my ledge grab.
My problem here, is verbatim, " the doctor lost an awful lot of
Documented cases. Chronic improper placement of dossier pages."
I need to break this. Inherited caste shit. Paper/ plastic basins.
The young doctor's flavor of the day's a litmus Ecstasy tab.
Ill botch this business, in layman's gab.
Rolling through my foggy pane of glass.
Maybe, philosophize a distanced engagement.
To approximate the idiom phrasing- it's all been too Greek to grasp.
the final speech bagged, awaiting its detox/
Sleeved off in a NABL- grade beaker or flask. Hailing some transport.
FUCK. Just remind me to beat-off. Get off this alien dance floor.
Open the car door, a sad-eyed beauty entails me to stay.
Mascara running in place, retracing a manic phase,
found my shelter smitten by her shattered state.
We exchanged stoic caveats, in the taxi-cab. Tounging (erotic) salad croutons..
She can GET this assessment, I studied her subcutaneous gluons.
Fingernails as bayonets one could arrange to slice a noose off.
My pyschiatric coup d'grace.
Slutty stockings. I slipped on my mental latex, and removed her two piece.
Pupil dilated, I asked her smoothly, "Are you familiar with Kluver-Bucys?"
Blank stare. "I'm your ex. Of course I'm fucking used to it."

Draw the curtains.
Quit projecting

[Inno]

The lost temple of placidity

Of my soul - a weathered rose waiting for its suitor.
Chasing rabbit holes of my mind for comfort
Going mad within the black that is my stupor

“Let’s dive into a mind lost in a fragment
I augment reality; a farce far from escape.
Darkness aided by baited will, the soul stagnant
The black fades through my pores and regurgitates
With a force that pours disgrace…the sound reverberates.
It engulfs until it revolves around my dull radius
And the boredom screams at me while I suffocate
And no one relates it seems I’m just hard to locate
But I keep telling them I’m right here!! I’m just lost in place
Frost to face my stare is traced in a cold, unaware
From time to time my eyes get that forgetful glare
And I answer the remote while I change the channels on the phone
And sometimes spoons turn into knifes and i cut scoops
Off my skin I have the scars if you want some proof?”



(A click in the back ground)

Times up…we will discuss this next week.

[Certain]

Split Eight: Your verse is difficult to critique because of the subject matter. The scattershot feeling of a lot of it comes across as at least half-intentional. I don't think it fits exactly, though. I thought the twist that the narrator had the disease was pretty obvious early on, but that doesn't ruin the verse or anything. I do think you could have pealed back a few layers of the backstory to make it more streamlined. It's difficult to accomplish as much as you set out to over the course of 26 rhyming lines, particularly given your dense wording, avoiding any straightforward description. With that said, I was able to piece together most of the story, and I applaud your effort to think big. There were a few difficult rhymes and a few spots where the wording definitely could have been cleaned up ("Eeyore" came out of nowhere), but this was a very interesting verse. Your topic itself was the most complicated of the round, so the complexity of your verse was justified.

Innovator: I appreciate how difficult this topic is, but I thought the easy route for any of us this week would be to simply describe life as a (insert topic). You more or less took that approach, with the psychiatrist angle being little more than a device to allow the opening up. Some back-and-forth with the shrink would have made for a much more compelling verse, if properly executed. There was good writing here, though. The three introductory lines may have been the strongest of the verse. Your rhymes are unusual, particularly in your deicsion to leave a lull with "stagnant" and again with "radius," two words with plenty of rhyming options that felt out of place. But mostly, the reason I have to give this battle to Split Eight is because your verse lacked the creativity and completeness of his. It felt like the middle section of a larger piece.

Vote: Split Eight

Split - LOL, well im glad that if anyone got this topic u did tbh. Anyways, yeah ur character's disorder was obvious from the get go to me. Now im not sure if it was me, or ur intention (due to topic,) with ur wordchoice and placement, but i felt it to be semi-hit or miss, but mostly hit. Sometimes the scheming seemed a little odd (but i followed the rhyme bleed,) along with the rhyming (Eeyore/alone for rhyming and ledge grab seemed colloquially weird to me.) However the abstractness of your verse (whether intentional or not) worked with the topic, and it was enjoyable.

Innovator - Your verse read cleaner then splits, but u also took a more direct approach in my eyes. I felt that the highlight of ur verse seemed to start with lost in space to the channel changing/phone confusion. I wish you would have addressed these symptoms in more detail, but i feel it kinda fell short there. Moreover, I wish u would have built ur character up in greater detail. The verse was not bad, but with a topic like this I feel a more off the wall approach would have actually been beneficial, bc symptomatically thats kinda what the disorder is.

Vote - Split

[Nigma]

Innovator, short verse, enjoyable content but you didn't expand very much on the concept. The flow was good for the most part however a few noticeably basic lines stuttered the read a bit. Would have liked to a see a longer verse that had some more pre-thought to it.

Split, beautiful concept, fairly consistent flow, and a nice twist at the end. All the reagents required for an entertaining verse. Enjoyed the read, no large concerns come to mind. Felt you set the bar high in this one and your opponent could not reach it.

+1 Split