Week 1 - Innovator vs Figurative - Innovator WINS

[Mike Wrecka]

Greetings competitors, we will begin with a small technical rather than conceptual challenge. DOUBLE LETTER WEEK, include instances of the double letter string you are given as your Specific Task. E.g., you are given G.S. – include word variants of G.S.: golden shower, grape soda, going slowly, google search etc. Note there are no required amounts, you can write as many double letter variants as you like or as little as you like. You don’t have to rhyme with each double letter phrase, or put it at the start like an acrostic poem, just include instances of it, it also doesn’t have to be the focus. You can write about anything you like.

Your specific task - G.S.


Due Wednesday Midnight WST


Good luck @Innovator @Figurative

[Inno]

Yo

[Fig]

hi

[Inno]

A journey


This grim gorges sporadically he screams “god save me please!!”
His soul gives spreading grief; slavery like chains take him
His gift spilling on to the pavement like water they gush scum
Hes committed the sum of all sins on his skin he garnishes suicide
No truth disguised the proof doesn’t hide his eyes filled an anguish’d stride
God gave sweet salvation on the tip of the blade he thought in his stupor
But no man was saved that day no grieving soul and no goodbye soother
And so his chains garner subtle attention from the floors reflection
A goner in seconds holding on longer isn’t a choice in this situation
The room is hot the gagging smell of stale blood rots building tension
The evil consumes him it pursues and presumes to gnaw savagely
His humanity doomed the change ensued bringing god anarchy
Bitten, the wound a gift that careered within the disease he now whims
He now wears the saddest grin its permanently him such saturating grim
And his heart is black with his soul swallowed by the gallows of a greater stain
And the shame takes over as the flames keep him sober, they burn the grain of a graver pain
And eternity repeats its greeting spitefully

[Fig]

Gods self pursuit. So medicinal of a muse;
A game set to neither accept or disdain truth.
The possibilities grow slow as restrained youth
when strained thoughts getting stressed over disuade moves.
Escape lies in the soil where the gardener sits
or in the waters with fish likened to gossamer ships.
The matrix may seem like grey streaks of binary script
Until the guise rearises and the novelty kicks

[Coup]

I got innno on this...started with a beginning and took it to an end with some different angles tossed in, IOW more complete....fig was nice but for me read directionless and in the middle of nowhere...similar themes and topics, one more developed and more realized...

gluck

Innovator - U had a pretty decent verse, used the challenge well and i was able to follow it throughout. However, some of ur end rhymes seemed out of place, and small grammatical things kinda made it read odd. But Ill chalk that up to poetic license.

Fig - I wish u kept going. the shortness of ur verse really hindered any kinda of development. I was feeling the flow and it read clean while executing the challenge. It was just to short to develop into anything worthwhile tho.

v/innovator w more compete work.

[Nigma]

Props to Fig for getting something out and not leaving your opponent hanging. For a free write that was actually pretty dope, some fresh rhymes, however the verse lacked direction, was obviously very brief, and didn't really do enough to make up for it's lack of substance. Still, better then a no show, way to earn your 1 point.

Innovator, pretty good showing to be fair. Executed the challenge at hand in an acceptable fashion, flow was pretty good for the most part, and I felt you had a few lines displaying solid imagery. "The room is hot the gagging smell of stale blood rots building tension" painted a lasting picture for me and was the most memorable line after the read. Easy victory in my eyes with a better prepared and polished verse.

+1 Innovator

[Pent uP]

Fig -- man...i love the word gossamer haha thank you for using it. Props on showing what you could. It was cool - had lots of potential, i was seriously digging it. I think that the metaphors were spread out a little too far - they didnt seem to connect to one another, but maybe that opinion of mine would've changed as you developed this more. I guess for a smaller piece I'd have liked to see everything a little bit more connected.


Inno -- First thing I noticed was there was a bunch of grammar and wording errors that bugged me throughout. Second thing I noticed was at the ending - not sure if intentional or not - you started doing SG instead of GS and I thought that was funny (in a your brain-tricked-you kinda way). Besides that it was a good shot at the task and the verse seemed kind of muddled to me but it achieved a full story.

Vote - Inno

[Que]

Fig.....Man you had the right idea....dunno why you didnt finish and clean it up. Well

Inno.....Alot of wording just didnt fit. I however did see you flip the scheme for a line or two other than that...you pretty much stayed on point. Pretty straight forward piece. Steady and hardly risky. I did like your graver pain line...and a few others. You would be a raw Horrocore writer.Good job

V/Inno

A journey


This grim gorges sporadically he screams “god save me please!!”
His soul gives spreading grief; slavery like chains take him
- Ur end rhymes don't match n the second end rhyme u bleed it but it's just weird scheming , also slavery like chains doesn't really add up... I mean I get what ur alluding to, but it's just odd wording also soul gives spreading the double verb is odd too

His gift spilling on to the pavement like water they gush scum
Hes committed the sum of all sins on his skin he garnishes suicide
- again end end rhymes don't match, but u bleed it so that's alright, but also 'gift' and 'they' don't work ones plural n ones not

No truth disguised the proof doesn’t hide his eyes filled an anguish’d stride
God gave sweet salvation on the tip of the blade he thought in his stupor
But no man was saved that day no grieving soul and no goodbye
~feels like a coma is needed before the first 'no' And the first line reads weird with the negatives to me

And so his chains garner subtle attention from the floors reflection
A goner in seconds holding on longer isn’t a choice in this situation
The room is hot the gagging smell of stale blood rots building tension
~ maybe a comma before 'can't hold on' and after 'room is hot

The evil consumes him it pursues and presumes to gnaw savagely
His humanity doomed the change ensued bringing god anarchy
~Anarchy n savagely is a rough slant imo

Bitten, the wound a gift that careered within the disease he now whims
He now wears the saddest grin its permanently him such saturating grim
~I'd say a wounded gift or something or at least comma after 'wound' and it's 'carried' but Tbh I would word that whole line different and u can easily just flip around the words n Kee the same scheme. Second line needs commas.

And his heart is black with his soul swallowed by the gallows of a greater stain
And the shame takes over as the flames keep him sober, they burn the grain of a graver pain
And eternity repeats its greeting spitefully
~Besides all the 'and' s it's solid, but of ur doing 1 line rhymes like ur last line try to make it a perfect rhyme bc ur emphasizing.

I only broke this down this way bc u asked for it and I hope it helps. This is just my take tho.. And i can get comma crazy too, but I tried to place em where they were needed both for flow n punctuation. Also, sometimes u get to verbose for me with ur descriptions, and it feels like ur using words just to rhyme. Last thing u scheming was odd it went to 2 then 3 the 3 then 2 or some Sht, just read weird. Tbh I chalk a lot of this Sht up to creative n poetic licensing but like I said u asked. Hope it helps @Innovator

[Objective]

Innovator: Thought the piece itself was allright enough, but I'd like to see the abit more of the task you were given instead of words starting with G & S after eachother sporadically here and there in your verse. Beside of that; Decent ish, seen a lot better from you though.

Figurative: Short and sweet verse, albeit not enough to really give a serious comment on it. Should have been a lot longer as it started off well. It is what it is.

Vote: Innovator.