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Old 01-08-2014, 11:32 PM   #1
Boredom
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Default The Last Of Us

a piece for a topcial on a different site


a martyr traveling on a path of broken souls
hope provokes an open road that's frozen cold
it use to glimmer, shine like it was rolled with gold
now it's crumbled, fallen with empires that have been broken/sold
the old have spoke an ode that's tragic and ominous
a story baleful, full of regret that lacks any consciousness
it has haunted us, since the day's of time relapsed in a grain of sand
a forsaken man with blatant plans to let hatred stand and make us damned
it was told since the times of ancient land, before fate was planned
after the fall of supreme's but before they could take a stand
so now we're stuck with the trials and tribulations of wild vindication
incarcerated in a vile sinner's sanctum masquerading as a tyrants civil nation
we're are carcass's piled in damnation


Your soul was sold the day god created it, you still have the relationship
so stray from complacent-ness
..be yourself..
when it comes to sin don't relate to it
this is the truth and something you can find as fact
if you stay on the right path, he might just buy it back

it's corruption that has to gain from what the past has slain
a passive stain on blood en-grained in the hands of pain
the mask is vein, captivated but has no task or name
a faceless past of what destruction has embarked on the masters face
so we masquerade & let the masks parade in a passive state
demise and deception, a rise of inception
decline in the mind of the giants that tempt it
the grind is redemption, and once the timing reflects it
we will find the hand of the clock will supply our ascension
it's not just something you can find in a sentence
or even between the lines of who said this
this is my mind and I spread it, until it's the thought that is passive
until it is passed like the past and embodies the captive
know your not trapped, take not you've adapted
this is a fact you can quote to your grand kids
hold it with a motive so captive, know it's astounding
now the great souls are surrounding
& know you are not the last of us, because it was those who have found me
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Old 01-09-2014, 12:48 AM   #2
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demise and deception, a rise of inception
decline in the mind of the giants that tempt it

^^^ill.

his was good, i felt like it maybe was too structured though if you get what im saying.. like it was dat-dat-dat-dat-dat.... dat-dat-dat-dat-dat. Basically got boring after afew lines. Now on the middle italicized part that was a lot less multi's but content filled and just came out a little smoother which made it my favorite part of the piece. Last verse was fire too. Peace bro
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Old 01-09-2014, 12:36 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Just Write View Post
demise and deception, a rise of inception
decline in the mind of the giants that tempt it

^^^ill.

his was good, i felt like it maybe was too structured though if you get what im saying.. like it was dat-dat-dat-dat-dat.... dat-dat-dat-dat-dat. Basically got boring after afew lines. Now on the middle italicized part that was a lot less multi's but content filled and just came out a little smoother which made it my favorite part of the piece. Last verse was fire too. Peace bro
word, i'll try not to go so scheme/multi heavy on the next piece I write.

thanks for the feed. upping for more, drop a link and I will rtf in an OM of yours.
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Old 01-09-2014, 01:12 PM   #4
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http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=42850 @Alphabet
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Old 01-09-2014, 08:10 PM   #5
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Default

so now we're stuck with the trials and tribulations of wild vindication
incarcerated in a vile sinner's sanctum masquerading as a tyrants civil nation

^^Nice.

demise and deception, a rise of inception
decline in the mind of the giants that tempt it
the grind is redemption, and once the timing reflects it
we will find the hand of the clock will supply our ascension

^^Dope.

This is tight man...some great multies from start to finish, I liked the beginnin' but it's the italic section and what I quoted that really stood out to me.Imagery is also sumthin' you had a lot of here, scheme imo was all good...the first half was solid yet it's the content in the second stanza that really caught my attention over your multie use and butter flow...great read bro.

Stay uppity.
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