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Old 09-28-2017, 02:21 PM   #1
Ghost1
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Default MMLP vs Symetrik - MMLP Wins

Black August


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due October 4th
WEDNESDAY at 11:59 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or THURSDAY October 5th 3:00 AM Eastern / 6:00 AM THURSDAY October 5th Central European/London


Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

[color=red]Voting closes when a clear winner is voted for. Competitors must vote immediately on the other match. Failure to vote will result in being a faggot for a significant portion of ur life.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? You can technically start a life of faggoting immediately but its a slippery slope.

so....

All competitors must vote on as many battles as possible duh u bum ass idiots


Topic:: uh none wtf don't u know what this is?

@MMLP @Cimmerian
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DMS View Post
My dad once had like 4 beers at a family reunion, and drove us home better than my mom usually drives.
Not saying being drunk doesn’t mess up you reasoning. I’m turning 20 soon so I haven’t had a drink ever.
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Old 10-02-2017, 04:08 AM   #2
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a picture paints a thousand words
It can illustrate just how we hurt
and out dispersed are your hidden straits.
A drowning thirst or bitter taste.
Wished away as the hours burn,
this inhumane resounding urge
to scowl and search through windowpanes.
Prowl the turf from the city lanes.
A distant gaze from the tower lurks!
A restricted nature, no doubt reserved.
From down to earth to a fit of rage.
Somehow disturbed by an inner pain
As wigs replaced a howling curse.
Suspicions raised as we proudly chirped.
Her ground I worshipped with a different face
and out we’d surface in a chilling way
Assimilated, now had merged,
interfaced and allowed to turn
on an outward journey of wicked games.
As a county learns where women lay.
in the fishing lake around the dirt
a chicks remains are now unearthed!
The shower curtains in a twisted state
With an arousing smirk upon the finished case…

Now giving chase to my darker side.
Thinking “Mrs Bates? Well she wouldn’t harm a fly”

Last edited by MMLP; 10-04-2017 at 07:17 AM.
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Old 10-06-2017, 02:01 PM   #3
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by symetrik
pref vs timeless if his opponent doesn't show

he walked down streets straight. blocks from the scene and his feets grey.
stops and he seemed to be locked in a dream, screaming serene 'til his knees gave.
gaze to the dirt, tracing the earth on the last known spot of his queen's lay,
chalk and a cross, hopscotch court where the teen's played.

he's a clean slate - totally erased by her need to concede flesh.
first-aid kiss 'til they said that his love was deemed dead.
stayed at the bar where they met, even though he could need rest
shots never last, and the bleed stained glass only sees red.

he could be death, the shadow in light,
the taker of breath and a thief in the night,
no one that knew her assumed her the type,
to give up on love and her kids and her life.

sighs when the hammer hit.
yet another nail in a coffin lid.
he never believed that his plans would all fail...
but they often did,

and he's sick of it. [x1]
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DMS View Post
My dad once had like 4 beers at a family reunion, and drove us home better than my mom usually drives.
Not saying being drunk doesn’t mess up you reasoning. I’m turning 20 soon so I haven’t had a drink ever.
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Old 10-07-2017, 12:59 AM   #4
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Pretty cool battle here.

Ready both it’s a pretty even match for me. Mmlp was s bit more precise with his wording overall punctuation and grammar. While sym was a bit more loose with his, in turn he had some grammar and spelling issue here and there. Though his verse didn’t feel so rigid as mmlp’ did.

To the meat of it. Overall it’s a tough one, it could go either way for me. Both endings where a bit meh for me so that’s out. You could give sym the vote for being more abstract with his writing which in a no topic league is s good idea, I just don’t think he executed as well as mmlp did. Segway?... mmlp was more concise with his direction and overall topic for me. On top of doing his thing technically. Sym should stick around.

Good battle tbh mvgt mmlp.
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Old 10-08-2017, 12:10 AM   #5
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MMLP - I love the vocabulary and tone of this piece, solid multies and a solid voice here, one thing that is probably going to be overlooked as well even though it's kind of ridiculous that it will be, I love that there was a consistent pattern to the rhymes here, multis alternating aabbaabb etc, really cool, at first I was like "oh he's changing every 2 bars a little disappointing..." and then I realized you actually weren't haha, really nice. Definitely a strong showing here and really impressive in terms of the style, I think there were sections and really some little phrases that could have been cleaned up a bit though on the constructive criticism side - my MO is basically ruthless efficiency in a verse, I don't really like extra words, if there is a more efficient way to say a given thing I will probably end up using that instead, that means removing words that are "normal" in sentences but here in what it is effectively a super-hybridization of poetry/verse/lyrics it really allows some freedom in that regard because you can just fuck with phrasing and twist meaning just by simplifying it, you end up using less words to say the same thing differently and thus can use more to establish even more, you had some really dope lines here and I definitely enjoyed the piece.

Now, onto your opponent - onward!!

The first thing I notice is that you are going for half line multies here and that I enjoy, the clear efforts put forth to really intensify the rhyme scheme - if you know me you know I'm a nerd for this shit so I definitely appreciate the heavier syllable counts. However, that said it doesn't always feel totally natural, the beauty of a really well done half/full bar multi is that it still winds up feeling natural without feeling contrived or unnecesasry, the first line was just a little awkward for example,

he walked down streets straight. blocks from the scene and his feets grey.

just not totally natural by my guise, it seems like with some little tweaks/edits this could have been smoothed easily and really made very dope, I applaud the efforts here but I would take a little more time in the future just to make sure everything reads nicely and more importantly in this case feels like it's the most natural way of saying something, so it feels like the "only" way of saying it, instead of here just leaving me questioning slightly if you could have found something else.

However, that aside I must say that I really love that you are constantly milling through elements of your scheme, reintroducing pieces rolling lines like abab aabb* ccb really interesting in that respect, I just really love that effort in the schemes because just a little bit of tightening/tinkering and you'd be unstoppable with a verse like this, just some cosmetics content is fine really just smoothing her out and getting her dolled up for a night out on the town, feel me? Really dope


Alright - in conclusion

both writers were impressive and did well without a doubt, MMLP was clean and consistent and provided good content and solid schemes, Sym tried for a hell of a lot here and really surprised me with just how much he was reaching for and trying to make his verse super rhyme dense with multies, just a really good attempt here. That said, both were matched in content, but I think the key factor for me that led to my voting decision was really the polish and completeness of one piece versus the other. It feels wrong/disgusting to give an L to either verse because they're both really well written but it must be done. I think Sym, if you just take more time and work your verses with a fine toothed comb really being vicious with your fixes you will be a serious threat to literally anyone out there, really dope stuff and looking forward to what you both produce in the future!

Rock on!

Anyway,

MVGT - MMLP
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Old 10-10-2017, 08:35 AM   #6
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I don't usually vote on MMLP battles but since it's open and I can't see it affecting the battles outcome, here it is:

Sym started off fire, I think i've seen him battle in AOWL previously (maybe?) but his verse here was a lot more polished. or at least, the beginning half was. The second half really lost it for me, anything from here on out:

Quote:
he could be death, the shadow in light,
the taker of breath and a thief in the night,
no one that knew her assumed her the type,
to give up on love and her kids and her life.
Just couldnt keep to the scheme or bar he had set before it, and there was a noticeable difference between the two halves. It reads like it was wrote with two different people, in fact, thats how big a gulf there is between the two halves of the story. LOL

MMLP: You changed the style up here, which is cool in one sense to see you toying with what works and doesnt, but it's very limiting to try and stick to a scheme like this. It takes huge technical skill to do properly and effectively, I don't think you always nailed it, but when you were on you were ON, nah mean? There's a reason people don't take this style on very often, though, the degree of difficulty is huge but so is the margin for error. It's very restrictive, very rigid, and starts to border on the robotic sounding when you adhere to it so heavily. It was written quite well, i'm not sure if all the Norman Bates' references will be picked up but i'm sure you'll enjoy knowing those subtle hints are there and going unnoticed.

I've got MMLP winning, marginally.
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