In Your Bootstraps

Alice · 02-24-2018, 09:08 PM

'I never knew you’.
it’s too common a phrase to govern my day
but it’s just to say that I’m solemn at bay
and it’s pouring some rain
acetic laden - your dominant state's
my prominent play – 'I never pulled through’
- Souffleur on Solomon’s grave.
our punishment made in the modest of ways:
child with spectacles meets its sovereign mate
‘I never skewed truths'.
you fostered me – not in a metaphorical way
but literally, you lifted me on my chimerical climb
inner misfit sinks in liquids at an ‘immeasurable’ price
everything can be valued at dice so that’s an intentional lie
mistaking somersaults for rolls on my inevident thrive
‘I never pursuit ruse’.
‘poured one out for you’ just the other day
eight-year old liquid got that proper taste
the one you gifted me for my wondrous trait
remember me in a bit of a raucous rage?
leathered leads for a trip to my tarnished trace
severed these through a sip from that Bacardi sway.
we are both morally morbid yet oxymoronic on calling
one of us is prone to their most toxic of thoughts and
as the golden-glee in mornings turns to an atomic process
an oneiric blur is my coveting orbit.
‘I never used you’. I been told you inhabited me,
my mind, every fucking.. *insertable scene*
my Gemini, the ever-core of an insatiable seed
Sister to Lilith – they call you the manic in me
‘schizoaffective’ – that’s how they unravelled my dream
I can feel the leather straps again.. the sedative stream..

Nick James · 02-25-2018, 04:13 AM

http://www.netcees.org/forumdisplay.php?f=181

sign up for the art of writin league

this was pretty dope.. highlight was the middle stanza n the ending was pretty good. the flow had a real artistic appeal to it.

ACTIVATE SELF · 02-25-2018, 08:30 AM

I'll be back to feed this.

Geno · 02-25-2018, 01:17 PM

I love lillith
Dope shit alice you should write more often. Thia was smooth. Saw what you did with the italics. Theyball rhymed. I maybe am missing something maybe not. Hut i enjoyed this

Sammy · 02-25-2018, 07:16 PM

Alice!!

Alice · 02-28-2018, 04:43 PM

Thanks guys. Appreciate it. This is an older piece I wrote to a picture which I couldn't find anymore.
Oh and good to see you on here Sammy!!

Eŋg · 03-04-2018, 09:18 PM

your punctuation, which i'll only comment on since you use, was spotty. i disliked some of the phrasing such as 'acetic laden' and 'chimerical climb' which made the informal 'got that proper taste' quite jarring weighed against the tonality of your piece. similarly, the heavier rhyming at the start lost it kinetic energy less than halfway through the piece which, if the latter is more organic (which is probably is), is no bad thing in of itself but it lent to displacing other aspects of your writing. otherwise, i liked the confused angle of a a patient with mental maladies battling (presumably her own) demons. also, not that i'm saying it does, but don't let excessive praise go to your head. people in life tend to be sycophants, particularly if you're a rare women in a predominantly male setting -- i'm pretty sure i've communicated something similar to you before if you're the alice who posted something about the black country here before.

02-24-2018, 09:08 PM	#1
Alice Member Join Date: Feb 2018 Posts: 48 Rep Power: 53110	In Your Bootstraps 'I never knew you’. it’s too common a phrase to govern my day but it’s just to say that I’m solemn at bay and it’s pouring some rain acetic laden - your dominant state's my prominent play – 'I never pulled through’ - Souffleur on Solomon’s grave. our punishment made in the modest of ways: child with spectacles meets its sovereign mate ‘I never skewed truths'. you fostered me – not in a metaphorical way but literally, you lifted me on my chimerical climb inner misfit sinks in liquids at an ‘immeasurable’ price everything can be valued at dice so that’s an intentional lie mistaking somersaults for rolls on my inevident thrive ‘I never pursuit ruse’. ‘poured one out for you’ just the other day eight-year old liquid got that proper taste the one you gifted me for my wondrous trait remember me in a bit of a raucous rage? leathered leads for a trip to my tarnished trace severed these through a sip from that Bacardi sway. we are both morally morbid yet oxymoronic on calling one of us is prone to their most toxic of thoughts and as the golden-glee in mornings turns to an atomic process an oneiric blur is my coveting orbit. ‘I never used you’. I been told you inhabited me, my mind, every fucking.. insertable scene my Gemini, the ever-core of an insatiable seed Sister to Lilith – they call you the manic in me ‘schizoaffective’ – that’s how they unravelled my dream I can feel the leather straps again.. the sedative stream..

02-25-2018, 01:17 PM	#4
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,325 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036758	I love lillith Dope shit alice you should write more often. Thia was smooth. Saw what you did with the italics. Theyball rhymed. I maybe am missing something maybe not. Hut i enjoyed this __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

02-25-2018, 04:13 AM	#2
Nick James death to amen Join Date: Jan 2018 Posts: 1,279 Battle Record: 1-2 Rep Power: 7423715	http://www.netcees.org/forumdisplay.php?f=181 sign up for the art of writin league this was pretty dope.. highlight was the middle stanza n the ending was pretty good. the flow had a real artistic appeal to it.

02-25-2018, 08:30 AM	#3
ACTIVATE SELF Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2017 Posts: 732 Battle Record: 2-1 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 19584275	I'll be back to feed this.

02-25-2018, 07:16 PM	#5
Sammy Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2015 Posts: 103 Champed - Write Week 7 Rep Power: 3415772	Alice!!

02-28-2018, 04:43 PM	#6
Alice Member Join Date: Feb 2018 Posts: 48 Rep Power: 53110	Thanks guys. Appreciate it. This is an older piece I wrote to a picture which I couldn't find anymore. Oh and good to see you on here Sammy!!

03-04-2018, 09:18 PM	#7
Eŋg rhyme capsule. Join Date: Sep 2018 Posts: 2,145 Rep Power: 0	your punctuation, which i'll only comment on since you use, was spotty. i disliked some of the phrasing such as 'acetic laden' and 'chimerical climb' which made the informal 'got that proper taste' quite jarring weighed against the tonality of your piece. similarly, the heavier rhyming at the start lost it kinetic energy less than halfway through the piece which, if the latter is more organic (which is probably is), is no bad thing in of itself but it lent to displacing other aspects of your writing. otherwise, i liked the confused angle of a a patient with mental maladies battling (presumably her own) demons. also, not that i'm saying it does, but don't let excessive praise go to your head. people in life tend to be sycophants, particularly if you're a rare women in a predominantly male setting -- i'm pretty sure i've communicated something similar to you before if you're the alice who posted something about the black country here before.