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Old 08-03-2019, 12:33 PM   #1
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Default Semi Finals: NYCSPITZ vs. Diablo [NYC DQ'd excessive swaying]








SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
WEDNESDAY AUG 7th at 11:59P.M. Pacific/West Coast or THURSDAY AUG. 8th 2:59 AM Eastern / 7:59 AM THURSDAY AUG. 8th Central European/London

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 64 LINES

Votes are due SATURDAY August 10th at 11:59 p.m. Western Pacific / or SUNDAY 2:59 PM Eastern / 7:59 AM SUNDAY Central European/London Failure to vote will result in negative votes the following round if you win....See rules thread for explanation

All competitors must vote on ALL OTHER battles

Read the full rules here!



Topic:


Must "Check-in" by MONDAY AUG. 5th


@Diablo
@NYCSPITZ


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Last edited by Adonis; 08-16-2019 at 08:13 PM.
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Old 08-07-2019, 05:31 PM   #2
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They called him Hood. Everybody’s got a name in the slums.
Some thought it stuck because he embodied the place he was from;
raised from the gutter with tenement housing. His stray of a mother
letting him down. Unsustained infrastructure meant that he found
company in empty surroundings. Not a single shadow sleeps
in this red-bricked cesspit of criminality — but death lives...

*****

Clenched fists. “What you want?” Lil Hood turns to the target
emerging from darkness. Head lifted. A courteous calmness.
Perfect for palming the teeth of a razors edge undetected.
The sweat on his wet skin clung the cold steel pressed up against it.
Right hand ready for anything. Hood felt it’s jagged metal edges stab
his thenar pad. The left was clasping something tightly.

“You sellin’ crack?”

His knuckles whitened as he clenched the wrap. Hood eyed the assailant.
“You buying?” he baited.
Silence.
The stranger smiled with “I’m taking,”.

Time’s an impatient mistress Lil Hood knew all too well.
So before the felon could draw a weapon for himself
he caught a keloid scar the length of his face at the razor’s removal.
Retina grazed as its edge penetrated the pupil.
The blade left a brutal reminder just how deep jealousy runs
in the deluge that gushed; staining them both red with his blood.
Adrenaline pumping. The night pulled closer toward tenebrous black
and the lightbulb moment that lit up Edison Ave.

*****

There was a flash as headlights brought to life the pavement.
A foot crept on the gas. Accelerating to the kind of pace his
mind was racing. Drove to revenge. Blood-soaked clothing still wet.
It’s malodorous stench now followed him as closely as death.
Over the exit. Tyres screeching. He knows where he’s heading.
The road was as empty as the hearts of those with motives against him.
Knowing your enemy out here can be what keeps you alive.
The motoring engines guttural roar grunts how he’s feeling inside.
No fear in his eyes. Just that courteous look as he searched for The Wolf.
Clearly this time, Hood was riding red — and thirsting for blood!

*****

The fur on the upper lip of The Wolf couldn’t be missed
it spun into thick crepuscular twists resting under his chin.
Ugly as sin. Devious eyes. Teeth misaligned.
Wouldn’t even think twice of bleeding you dry to eat you alive.
It was easy to find the resemblance. Harder to find him in person.
Dealing’s a buyers market, everyone has a price predetermined
to supply you their services. Be careful who you’re set to rip off.
They’ll sell you their goddamn grandmother for a yellowing rock.
“Tell me which block first,” Hood shakes at the bag waved in his hand.
They say that an addicts trust is only worth the weight of his gram.
He waits for an answer. Nothing. Just a sneering suspense.
The cravenly crackhead scratches his arm. “He’ll be at The Den,”

*****

Neon electric-blue signage. Subtle. The bar was a front
guarded by thugs as tan-white and hard as their drugs.
Used to party with Hood back in the day, dapping him straight
past the surveillance. It’s not like it was manned anyway.
His feet sank in a stained carpet holed with cigarette burns.
From a distance he heard howled laughter and instinctively turned -
into the stern grip of Wolf’s henchmen! They tried pinning him down.
“The trick is to lure your prey,” Wolf snarled, “and single ‘em out!”
Wiping the spit from his jowls, he looked in Hood’s eyes and scathed
“You didn’t account for wolves smelling blood from a mile away,”
The Wolf brushed aside his mane as Hood grappled for life
- struggling to find the razors edge his was now balancing by.
Wolf glanced to his right, nodded, and on seeing the gesture
a gang member fired a headshot - leaving the pigs to piece it together.
They cleaned up the evidence and got their story set while they could
but the streets still remember how big bad Wolf killed Lil red-riding Hood!

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Last edited by Diablo; 08-08-2019 at 03:35 AM.
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Old 08-07-2019, 07:40 PM   #3
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..






A magnum opus holds court in his mind’s eye like paladin thoughts
head buried in his hoodie; he’ll do anything for that gallery spot
but salary’s taut, barely living off of this factory job
downtime revolving ‘round loose women and daiquiri shots
though his camera was a weapon - from this was mastery wrought.
Who knew the insouciant youth would use it in a dastardly plot?
sooo sick of these bastardly top cats advocating the lord’s prayer
a populace mesmerized by all these Ads and their sorcerous force stares.
These damned algorithms track everything from porn sites to purchasing porch chairs
selling your data. He’s had enough and he’s ready for warfare...
So his canon’s slung up, ready to shoot with an extension attached
uploading truth in JPEGs, stirring masses in his dimension of facts
with tension he’s rapt - hunting under Luna in the spirit of Artemis
his phone glows: a smoking gun straight from the British Parliament!
This theory was startling. Heads of government and companies who’d never fear to martyr him
yet the young man armed with shutter clicks was one you couldn’t bargain with
he rifled through their lies with ease - the laws and scrolls of jargon smiths
to manipulate we “cattle algorithms”: to reach the vaunted status of carbon monoliths.
The plot was this: Bring back some ‘facade of baronial prominence
so that Great Britain returned as rightful heirs of colonial dominance.
Speak to the masses of future glories in colloquial confidence
but reading through to an endgame; there’s a latent pandemonium obvious
a people drugged off of moral fantasies like some opium hobbyists...
This opprobrious sloppiness was partly facilitated by petroleum deposit slips
and to the sanitarium audience who’d eat it up in its delicious appeal
but very few saw through the curtains of Oz and its lascivious deals.
For such hideous wills, we need a sleuth who is skilled at truthful reveals
because toppling zeitgeists require nerves made of valerian steel
still holding that glowing phone, yet holding true to his Shakespearean film...
The exposed document read: WORLD ORDER - TO RENDER PROLETARIAT HARMLESS
USING CUTTING EDGE SCIENCE TO INDUCE...”A CIMMERIAN DARKNESS”
the website showed hacked lists of missing boys complete with audios in metafiles
and at a soul level...he knew these baron minds were all homo pedophiles.
The facts unearthed revealed: experiments conducted of all biological kinds
harness life extension; then alter known history along with sociological tides...
It was a long lineage of ancient elites - this collusion was wide -
upgrading themselves while killing others in Malthusian crimes.

Fomenting far-spread fear, spiking suspicion from dawn til dead in the night
Undermining understanding until upsurges unfolded - and then they would strike
Create collective cynicism, then offer them help and “attend to their souls”
Keenly kicking-off kaleidoscopic waves of rancor to extend their control

Let lords lackey the masses? Never, he’d move to stop the deception
And annihilate any amateurs they’d send to stop his progression
Radiating raw rage - toward each and every one of these unfeeling liar-freaks
Such salacious sabotage can be acted on because of this revealing cyber leak.

This plot was centuries old...these bloodlines were filled with patient tyrants
it seemed they convened at a mansion on the cliffs of this ancient island...
So our hero contacted a hacker - friend and serial co-worker of menial positions
the low waged brainiacs could save the world with their ingenious convictions.
For the mission: he’d videotape evidence to expose their crafty mirage
and bring his trusted camera. For his personal photographic collage.
The day came, him and three friends, they were just four alone
the gates hacked remotely, they dropped the three guards there with chloroform.
Entered the regal estate with a cool calm - and a suspension of spanned time
the importance of every step felt; as they moved to emancipate mankind
found a sinister hall, with a whispering roundtable and barely opened doors
slinking stealthily on the walls, his live-streaming friend aired and recorded all...
though appalled, the conversation confirmed their sinister intent
to take over via propaganda galore and then administer threats...
the old curmudgeons spoke of “killing them all” with little regret
after several minutes a patriarch noticed them calmly - then what happened astounded him
but their job was complete as an army of trained guards surrounded them...
although he knew they were doomed - they’d caught the bastards in a lapse of focus
as he was shot in the back of the head, time stopped: and he was viewing his magnum opus.










.
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Last edited by NYCSPITZ; 08-07-2019 at 10:31 PM.
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Old 08-09-2019, 09:45 AM   #4
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Baron Mynd -

Good work on this immense good piece here. You came nice and strategic with good flow and good rhyme scheme. Very nice work on this piece. The story was very fun to read. I enjoyed Little Red being a crackhead wanting crack from the big bad wolf. It was rather a enjoyable read. Glad how it ended, with little red's death. Good work on this piece, Baron Mynd. Very nice work.

NYCSPITZ -

Very good work on this piece, NYCSPITZ. You came nice with good flow, and good rhyme scheme. Good story here about a man's grand scheme to take over a magnum opus. Reminded me of Hogwarts; Harry Potter scene. I really enjoyed this story; and hope you write more. Very Good work.

Overall -

Fantastic battle, both came nice with it; but for the more intricate story; I'm going with NYCSPITZ.

V/ NYCSPITZ
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Old 08-09-2019, 04:53 PM   #5
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This was tough

Baron’s story held attention, but seemed to simple.. almost cliche. It lacked the creativity I felt was needed, but held attention and went smoothly

NYC was like the exact opposite, it was creative and transitioned nicely, but some parts seemed a little dragged-on, or almost try hard. Still everytime I felt myself drifting the next line caught it with some weight.

Baron had the stand out trust/gram line n easy reading
NYC had just a better story that was more engaging

Vote -NYC
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Old 08-09-2019, 05:46 PM   #6
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Baron
I enjoyed the little red riding hood idea thrown on its head, the rhyme scheme was nice and flowed effortlessly. albeit in your usual defiance of the set standard of doing things. the pigs to peice it together and grandmother were nice little nods to the upside down flip you provided on the classic stories of yesteryear. that gram line stands out. the clenched fist paragraph was stand out for me in terms of smoothness. story perhaps a bit less creative however it was refreshing to read a topical an keep up with it.

spitz you had a very creative peice and i enjoyed the good use of vocabulary in there. couple words threw me off so thanks for teaching me something. i got lost a few times with where you were heading an it was a bit more effort for.me to keep up with the "story" however your flow was as smooth as it comes and for that it was very enjoyable. i also really enjoyed your shade both the more vreative fuck lars and the little tid bits like baron minds. i mean its been done to death in a battle scene so nothing fresh but i appreciated seeing it in a topical none the less. it was even better becausr thats the sort of dick move he would pull so i laughed you were the one to do it to him.

overall i got baron here. it was tight, spitz was more creative with content but i got tired seeing thr same end rhyme for about 12 lines straight i think about 10 lines in you started with it, along with using it for the internals it just stuck out a bit to me like a sore thumb.

vote diablo
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Old 08-12-2019, 11:24 PM   #7
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Longer version in mag


FUKKKKKKK is this a tough vote. Both of these verses had extreme high moments, neither had a very low spot in terms of execution, but one did however have a low light in terms of snide remarks. But all things aside, each of these verses were great works through and through. NYC penned a story that is quite literally as old as Jesus or at the very least ancient roman times. A classic in terms of content, but a negative in terms of execution due to the volatile content in which he decided to breakdown his competitor rather than execute a full fledged verse. I explain this better in the mag version, but basically you ventured off from the main goal because you had blood lust in a sense. Whereas Lars wrote a traditional topical, story to be exact, and did so while painting these vivid images using some rather dope similes sparced through out. Some very high caliber writing from both competitors, but low character from one. So While I do think NYC's story was better written, I think Lars had the actual better writing, though, simply less of it in terms of length. So while I weigh all of this together, in reading each verse something like 3-4 times a piece, I keep coming back to one simple downfall really. That is, negativity outweighs the postives if you will. I fully enjoyed each read, and wish NYC had left the fun aside and focused on the topical at hand rather his competitor, Because in the end, it cost him my vote. If it were just two topicals with no spite being forced down my throat, I do believe my vote would go the other way. But on each read, I began liking the hatred less and less while also appreciating the execution in individual lines of Lars more and more.


v/Lars

Battle of the tournament, not close, not up for debate.
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Old 08-13-2019, 09:39 PM   #8
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@Witty @Blue Bayou

Please vote
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Old 08-14-2019, 07:53 PM   #9
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lmao made you look

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Old 08-14-2019, 10:06 PM   #10
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dope verse diablo
Quote:
They called him Hood. Everybody’s got a name in the slums.
Some thought it stuck because he embodied the place he was from;
raised from the gutter with tenement housing. His stray of a mother
letting him down. Unsustained infrastructure meant that he found
company in empty surroundings. Not a single shadow sleeps
in this red-bricked cesspit of criminality — but death lives...
solid opening. i like how the stanza ended with a transition scheme to the next stanza. interesting that the reinforcing rhyme of the previous line ended half way in that last line. it shouldn't work but i think the inner rhyming of 'red-bricked/cesspit made it work. very nice.

*****

Quote:
Clenched fists. “What you want?” Lil Hood turns to the target
emerging from darkness. Head lifted. A courteous calmness.
Perfect for palming the teeth of a razors edge undetected.
The sweat on his wet skin clung the cold steel pressed up against it.
Right hand ready for anything. Hood felt it’s jagged metal edges stab
his thenar pad. The left was clasping something tightly.
palming the teeth was awkward to me. i get the whole razor teeth thing but i think he composition of it was a bit of a reach/forced with the darkness/calmness rhymes, imo. sweat on his wet skin seemed redundant. something off about that line all together. unless i'm reading it wrong but it felt fragmented.
Quote:
“You sellin’ crack?”

His knuckles whitened as he clenched the wrap. Hood eyed the assailant.
“You buying?” he baited.
Silence.
The stranger smiled with “I’m taking,”.
awesome. you often express to me that the best way to implement dialogue is sharp and short and you definitely displayed it here. it was very "prose" but still maintained that lyricism. excellent.

Quote:
Time’s an impatient mistress Lil Hood knew all too well.
So before the felon could draw a weapon for himself
he caught a keloid scar the length of his face at the razor’s removal.
Retina grazed as its edge penetrated the pupil.
The blade left a brutal reminder just how deep jealousy runs
in the deluge that gushed; staining them both red with his blood.
Adrenaline pumping. The night pulled closer toward tenebrous black
and the lightbulb moment that lit up Edison Ave.

*****
tenebrous black was such great wording. i see a lot of writers overdo adjectives but i love this instance for the context and the literary device, in this case alliteration. plot-wise, this shit just got real.

Quote:
There was a flash as headlights brought to life the pavement.
A foot crept on the gas. Accelerating to the kind of pace his
mind was racing. Drove to revenge. Blood-soaked clothing still wet.
It’s malodorous stench now followed him as closely as death.
Over the exit. Tyres screeching. He knows where he’s heading.
The road was as empty as the hearts of those with motives against him.
Knowing your enemy out here can be what keeps you alive.
The motoring engines guttural roar grunts how he’s feeling inside.
No fear in his eyes. Just that courteous look as he searched for The Wolf.
Clearly this time, Hood was riding red — and thirsting for blood!

*****
not really a fan of passive language in that first line. but then i was thinking if we switched it, would it have the same effect? probably not so i can look past that lulz.but that was a great segment. i like the red riding wolf flip at the end, especially how you introduced that flip with the engine roar/animalistic grunt thing. cool effect.

Quote:
The fur on the upper lip of The Wolf couldn’t be missed
it spun into thick crepuscular twists resting under his chin.
Ugly as sin. Devious eyes. Teeth misaligned.
Wouldn’t even think twice of bleeding you dry to eat you alive.
It was easy to find the resemblance. Harder to find him in person.
Dealing’s a buyers market, everyone has a price predetermined
to supply you their services. Be careful who you’re set to rip off.
They’ll sell you their goddamn grandmother for a yellowing rock.
“Tell me which block first,” Hood shakes at the bag waved in his hand.
They say that an addicts trust is only worth the weight of his gram.
He waits for an answer. Nothing. Just a sneering suspense.
The cravenly crackhead scratches his arm. “He’ll be at The Den,”

*****
devious eyes was too stylized for me. like its such a heavy-coated phrase for that type of imagery. but the allegory of that stanza was the hightlight of the verse for me. not too much wrong with it. very nice.

Quote:
Neon electric-blue signage. Subtle. The bar was a front
guarded by thugs as tan-white and hard as their drugs.
Used to party with Hood back in the day, dapping him straight
past the surveillance. It’s not like it was manned anyway.
His feet sank in a stained carpet holed with cigarette burns.
From a distance he heard howled laughter and instinctively turned -
into the stern grip of Wolf’s henchmen! They tried pinning him down.
“The trick is to lure your prey,” Wolf snarled, “and single ‘em out!”
Wiping the spit from his jowls, he looked in Hood’s eyes and scathed
“You didn’t account for wolves smelling blood from a mile away,”
The Wolf brushed aside his mane as Hood grappled for life
- struggling to find the razors edge his was now balancing by.
Wolf glanced to his right, nodded, and on seeing the gesture
a gang member fired a headshot - leaving the pigs to piece it together.
They cleaned up the evidence and got their story set while they could
but the streets still remember how big bad Wolf killed Lil red-riding Hood!
lmao the ending line. kind of corny but the build up made it work....really fucking well! man i think your writer's voice is probably the best of all the writer's i read during my tenor of these writing forums. you maintain coherency not just with plot but details, seemingly in casual fashion. the mustache description, while working concurrently with the description of a wolf was just one of the example. very good stuff man. I think my only gripe with this was that the story wasn't too mind blowing. the execution was god level but the idea itself was nothing more than your casual street parable: crimes don't pay, essentially.

very nice, spitz
Quote:
A magnum opus holds court in his mind’s eye like paladin thoughts
head buried in his hoodie; he’ll do anything for that gallery spot
but salary’s taut, barely living off of this factory job
downtime revolving ‘round loose women and daiquiri shots
though his camera was a weapon - from this was mastery wrought.
Who knew the insouciant youth would use it in a dastardly plot?
flow and scheme was off the chain yo. rhyme selections were fucking fresh ass hell. factory job/daquiri shots? ha ha awesome.

Quote:
sooo sick of these bastardly top cats advocating the lord’s prayer
a populace mesmerized by all these Ads and their sorcerous force stares.
These damned algorithms track everything from porn sites to purchasing porch chairs
selling your data. He’s had enough and he’s ready for warfare...
So his canon’s slung up, ready to shoot with an extension attached
uploading truth in JPEGs, stirring masses in his dimension of facts
with tension he’s rapt - hunting under Luna in the spirit of Artemis
his phone glows: a smoking gun straight from the British Parliament!
This theory was startling. Heads of government and companies who’d never fear to martyr him
the first couplet was a little choppy. the ending syllables was a bit off. sorcerous force stares was also of questionable wording. dimesion of facts was fucking fire. goot set up with the jpeg thing.

Quote:
yet the young man armed with shutter clicks was one you couldn’t bargain with
he rifled through their lies with ease - the laws and scrolls of jargon smiths
to manipulate we “cattle algorithms”: to reach the vaunted status of carbon monoliths.
The plot was this: Bring back some ‘facade of baronial prominence’
so that Great Britain returned as rightful heirs of colonial dominance.
Speak to the masses of future glories in colloquial confidence
but reading through to an endgame; there’s a latent pandemonium obvious
a people drugged off of moral fantasies like some opium hobbyists...
This opprobrious sloppiness was partly facilitated by petroleum deposit slips
i think the lines were a little too long in this section. the carbon monlolith one i particular was mad long, running too many syllables. i got the feeling at this point that this may be some jab at baron mynd going off the britain and baronial thing lulz. ironic cause that's something he usually does ha ha.

Quote:
and to the sanitarium audience who’d eat it up in its delicious appeal
but very few saw through the curtains of Oz and its lascivious deals.
For such hideous wills, we need a sleuth who is skilled at truthful reveals
because toppling zeitgeists require nerves made of valerian steel
still holding that glowing phone, yet holding true to his Shakespearean film...
The exposed document read: WORLD ORDER - TO RENDER PROLETARIAT HARMLESS
USING CUTTING EDGE SCIENCE TO INDUCE...”A CIMMERIAN DARKNESS”
the website showed hacked lists of missing boys complete with audios in metafiles
and at a soul level...he knew these baron minds were all homo pedophiles.
The facts unearthed revealed: experiments conducted of all biological kinds
harness life extension; then alter known history along with sociological tides...
It was a long lineage of ancient elites - this collusion was wide -
upgrading themselves while killing others in Malthusian crimes.
like the multies when its not force (hideous wills?). valerian steel line was great. i'm convinced that this was about your opponent at this point lulz. great and very exciting section but i think the overly complexed word choices, although may be a parody of baron's style, took away from the read a bit. highly interesting though.

Quote:
Fomenting far-spread fear, spiking suspicion from dawn til dead in the night
Undermining understanding until upsurges unfolded - and then they would strike
Create collective cynicism, then offer them help and “attend to their souls”
Keenly kicking-off kaleidoscopic waves of rancor to extend their control
ohhh wow this was deep. i like the way you excavated the idiosyncrasy of his character. in particular the 3rd line. whether its true or false (i've only known him for a few months) but if it was a diss, it was a gut shot, indeed.

Quote:
Let lords lackey the masses? Never, he’d move to stop the deception
And annihilate any amateurs they’d send to stop his progression
Radiating raw rage - toward each and every one of these unfeeling liar-freaks
Such salacious sabotage can be acted on because of this revealing cyber leak.
liar freaks/cyber leak was forced lulz and you know that. other than that, im very engaged tbh.

Quote:
This plot was centuries old...these bloodlines were filled with patient tyrants
it seemed they convened at a mansion on the cliffs of this ancient island...
So our hero contacted a hacker - friend and serial co-worker of menial positions
the low waged brainiacs could save the world with their ingenious convictions.
For the mission: he’d videotape evidence to expose their crafty mirage
and bring his trusted camera. For his personal photographic collage.
The day came, him and three friends, they were just four alone
the gates hacked remotely, they dropped the three guards there with chloroform.
Entered the regal estate with a cool calm - and a suspension of spanned time
the importance of every step felt; as they moved to emancipate mankind
found a sinister hall, with a whispering roundtable and barely opened doors
slinking stealthily on the walls, his live-streaming friend aired and recorded all...
though appalled, the conversation confirmed their sinister intent
to take over via propaganda galore and then administer threats...
the old curmudgeons spoke of “killing them all” with little regret
after several minutes a patriarch noticed them calmly - then what happened astounded him
but their job was complete as an army of trained guards surrounded them...
although he knew they were doomed - they’d caught the bastards in a lapse of focus
as he was shot in the back of the head, time stopped: and he was viewing his magnum opus.
ha ha this was really entertaining. very thriller/action feel about it. i love the callback to the first line. there were some long drawn parts and some very complicated language being utilized, but i think it reinforced the voice of the verse. the story was very interesting and i like the allegorical approach.

this was a hard one to vote on. i think diablo's was better written but nyc to me was more enjoyable. both did excellent with their respective world building but where diablo basically dressed up weary trope with red bonnet and wolf mask, i felt NYC rooted his verse in a more orignal, fun, creative soil. vote NYC

Last edited by Scar; 08-14-2019 at 10:10 PM.
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Old 08-16-2019, 09:11 AM   #11
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Right I have to vote, I owe it, so here it is LOL…. putting my neutral head into gear


Stan – halfway thru-ish, flow-wise it’s a challenge to keep up with but I appreciate how you’ve switched it up as well as the subtle details as the reader, im with ya thus far just, but… the imagery is fire, you’ve been on RR too long, I miss the old lars tbh but the descriptive/ storytelling is ON POINT! emphasised in this part …….

“There was a flash as headlights brought to life the pavement.
A foot crept on the gas. Accelerating to the kind of pace his
mind was racing. Drove to revenge. Blood-soaked clothing still wet.
It’s malodorous stench now followed him as closely as death.
Over the exit. Tyres screeching. He knows where he’s heading.
The road was as empty as the hearts of those with motives against him.
Knowing your enemy out here can be what keeps you alive.
The motoring engines guttural roar grunts how he’s feeling inside.
No fear in his eyes. Just that courteous look as he searched for The Wolf.
Clearly this time, Hood was riding red — and thirsting for blood!”


…..FOOKING HELL THAT’S GOOD, PPL SLEEPING ON THIS PART FOR SURE, I hate it when you blow it out the water like this, knowing how braggy u are in real life… props due, when props due though.

that’s a dope story, looking at the pic directly after…. really brought it together, niccce old folks tale for the streets like what ya don with it… totally original… when your storytelling is on, its haaarrd to counter. the rhyming is faultless as per usual.. wording is so descriptive and narrative reads fluently and natural, never seems like you put multies together for the sake of it, it all mattered. Fire



NYC – bout halfway thru, Haha im loving this tbf, the lines don’t feel as long as it looks, it’s a brisk read, nothing spectacular flow wise but I gather u dont really care cuz the content is so good, its cleverly written, very concise and you’ve not so subtly identified this character as baron even suggested him out to be a paedo in one line tht was LOLz, immature and wayward, im intrigued where this goes..

had to look up Malthusian but this part is crazy good, technically brilliant as well, kudos!
The facts unearthed revealed: experiments conducted of all biological kinds
harness life extension; then alter known history along with sociological tides...
It was a long lineage of ancient elites - this collusion was wide -
upgrading themselves while killing others in Malthusian crimes.


Ahhh

I noticed a few of the lines endings were unnatural wording/ rhymes, seems wasteful and forced and loses momentum (for me) as I was engaged for the large part

liar-freak/ cyber leak
scorcrous forced stares/ porch chairs/ ready for warfare
…. those are just sum examples of multi-ing for multis sake!
some even mismatching syllables in there (last para mainly) but think most ppl do that tbf, but unfortunately it stands out to me, and on preference, irks me…. mainly cause I pay way more attention than most would! Technically the last part wasn’t ON as the rest, in some lines and the finishes
This where you needed to finish this roaring piece with a flourish and kinda seemed rushed.

Ending was ok but sealed this vote once and for all, maybe yours is just too direct if anything, hes literally getting shot and all his works flashes before his eyes (as the image topic is showing), from a creative and technical standout, edge goes to lars this time

Both killed it, dope match up to the extent I had to nit pick slightly in order to pick a winner,whoever gets to the final arguably deserves it, cant be mad either way but on preference, vote lars
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