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Old 07-26-2019, 11:44 PM   #1
Adonis
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Default Quarter Finals: NYCSPITZ vs. Scar [NYC 4-0]








SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
TUEESDAY JULY 30th at 11:59P.M. Pacific/West Coast or TUESDAY 2:59 AM Eastern / 7:59 AM TUESDAY Central European/London
MAXIMUM 2 extensions granted upon request in this tournament


Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due THURSDAY August 1st at 11:59 p.m. Western Pacific / or FRIDAY 2:59 PM Eastern / 7:59 AM FRIDAY Central European/London Failure to vote will result in negative votes the following round if you win....See rules thread for explanation

All competitors must vote on ALL OTHER battles

Read the full rules here!



Topic:

Must "Check-in" by WEDNESDAY July 28th


@Scar
@NYCSPITZ


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Old 07-31-2019, 05:24 PM   #2
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Twelve people spinning in a mental axis - they’re lodged there like devil’s shrapnel
This rabbit hole always looms, ungraspable; an ephemeral fractal.
a mercenary elite - the military precision underneath is my grace
Yet it’s gaseous, so hard to grasp...that thirteenth face.
Separating bodies from souls - entire villages in cemetery grounds
fulfilling missions for benefactors made this emissary proud...
Just give me the crown. Our small force was a legendary squad
Whether in tropical heat, or marshlands...even February grounds.
This one mission was heavy; slay a luminary who was building artificial intelligence
When he ghosted - a “death by suicide” was the government’s official sentiment
But I was there. When all was said and done our target escaped
And what occurred should be known....all of the horror on that Martian estate.
It was three hours away from Moscow; chilly yet the Fall was still present
A crystal chandelier in the foyer with several large Russian dolls at the entrance.
Myself and three other veterans were there, all called to the session
The night vision and laser scopes had enthralled all our senses...
We mowed down guards and scientists quick - appalled by our progression
When I saw thirteen - laughing satanically at the end of an eerie hall in flourescense...
moved to subterranean levels with his guards where the brawl was extended
...Though what I saw in those labs made my skin crawl to their edges
advancing down in lead position, rusty steps giving way to the level
We hurried smoothly, unharmed as bullets ricocheted off of metal
They disappeared down a tunnel, his white lab coat swished away like a snake ! -
and every door to the hall opened ominously. Did we make a mistake?
Though shocked, we held our form strong through the glowing and faded dust
When moaning figures like reptilians emerged...this anthropomorphic army awaited us.
Their waxed skin swallowed our bullets as our vision beheld them amazed
barely human, ever approaching eyes. A secret cynical, and senescent gaze...
Loudspeakers turned on in the chaos and a fog rose - we felt sudden impairment
the evil doctor laughed and said “you’re the final piece of my lovely experiment
Through biotech my children are immortal now so of course there’s appeal
to add your DNA to their lifespan and intelligence - that brute force of your will”
The creatures hovered over us, as I slept one of them calm, in fraternity muttered -
‘We’ll meet again at an opportune moment - but welcome to eternity brother.’
Woke up at home weeks later in a weak and hazy daze
Though it was 40 years ago I haven’t even aged a single day.
A painful mark throbs on my right temple. I remember my 12 career kills -
Otherwise I cannot remember a single face.
Searched the globe for his whereabouts. I followed instincts for pieces of thread
Shell companies and identity theft. Political clout. He’s three steps ahead...
I’m sure a brain like him has some sort of “noble mind” and reason inlaid.
Something that drives him in this global hide and seek that we play
The murmurs are starting now as people swarm that psychological crack pit
With global elites making a move to capture this...biological madness
I know he’s behind it all; and with every single drop I’ve birthed of my will
I’ll never stop hunting the man despite his fervent appeal
It’s unnatural so I will stop him, though most of the earth is thrilled
Cursed with immortality - I’ll use it to make him my thirteenth kill.







.
.
.
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Old 07-31-2019, 06:23 PM   #3
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"Road Closed"

It says, the road ahead is closed. I begged them to go...

“We’re rebels!" Remember when we used to sled in the snow?
trekked the highest slopes! dope, we went head first in the cold
No fucks giving besides curfew, hot soups, bedroom with low
Lighting glowing on the dresser next to the pile of clothes.....
....at least that’s how I imagined it so

To sum up our respective positions: Vicarious living.
they had parents and siblings. Gifts, trinkets a parent could give,
but would dare to be different. I was the “dare” they were seeking
A street urchin seeking purpose with a need for worth
In them, I see clean sheets, peaceful sleep, leaves that's turning
In me they saw mean streaks, ravines, creeks, a “me” that’s lurking

“Til the end” was our motto though it’s gotten us in hot water
As the sun sets, time crept - the shadows grew a lot darker.
Admiring actors and authors, James Dean: god and martyr
Leather jackets, rugby jeans, collared cropped and choppers
Quite often bartering death, to adopt his spirit
I was the boss and leader .. tonight, our cause had limits

we never saw through the mist, swerving along the rocky cliff
Teens with heart but intoxicants made us gods of this..
Domain, cold rain made it easy to hydroplane off the stretch

The road says closed, I begged them to “go — home."
Back to their lighted porch, fire, warmth, pile of old clothes
that other side of the road, the moms and dads, warm bed
I never had a mom and dad. Never had any warm threads
was born dead, Not literally, metaphors can express the hours left
As we spun and flipped, the sun eclipsed against the cloudy ledge

sound of death, rather peaceful. Me? finally in a clean room,
with a shroud and bed. Them? they got to live and die on the edge


Last edited by Scar; 07-31-2019 at 06:27 PM.
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Old 08-01-2019, 03:48 PM   #4
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NYCSPITZ:
So on my first read I was a little bit lost but after reading it a second time I think I got the grasp of it. It is after all, quite an odd picture to write to.

An evil-sounding guy, the 13th, experimenting with AI and immortality in a building that reminds me of something out of Goldeneye:
We mowed down guards and scientists quick
Ha.

Earlier, I'm not really a fan of the artificial intelligence/official sentiment rhyme. Doesn't really rhyme. I noticed it because all your other rhymes seem pretty smooth. And I really enjoy the sudden impairment/ lovely experiment one, so it kind of cancels out.

There appears to be 2 distinct parts of this. Pre-encounter and post-encounter, where he's still hunting him around the globe.
I was a little confused over whether Everyone on Earth gained immortality from the experiment (and if so, how? Because global elites captured it?), or if it was just the main character and his comrades from the mission.

Either way, it was an entertaining read. Like I said it made more sense the 2nd time. And I found your multiple syllable rhymes to be on point and actually the highlight of the piece. There were a few times where you stretched some phrasing to fit a rhyme, but for the most part it was good.

I think you told an interesting story. And good imagery, such as bullets ricocheting off metal. It would be a hard piece to beat, I think.


Scar:
I had a bit of trouble identifying who exactly the I is and who the them are. I gather it's the main character and his friends, but it seemed to be shrouded in mystery. Why are they driving on this road? What kind of mission is this?, if any.
“We’re rebels!"

To sum up our respective positions: Vicarious living.
they had parents and siblings. Gifts, trinkets a parent could give,
but would dare to be different. I was the “dare” they were seeking
A street urchin seeking purpose with a need for worth
In them, I see clean sheets, peaceful sleep, leaves that's turning
In me they saw mean streaks, ravines, creeks, a “me” that’s lurking

So the I is a street urchin and the them are more or less sheltered kids or young adults. Ah teens it says later. I think I'm getting a better picture now.

The next stanza contains your best rhyming, the one that starts “Til the end”

So...the group is looking for adventure but driving precariously along a misty cliff road.
And then the title is expounded upon. You begged them to go HOME, rather than to simply go.

I start to feel connections with the main character when he says I never had a mom and dad. Never had any warm threads
was born dead, Not literally, metaphors can express the hours left


...sound of death, rather peaceful. Me? finally in a clean room,
with a shroud and bed. Them? they got to live and die on the edge

The ending seems to reinforce the sentiment that both parties had a symbiotic relationship, with the main character giving the others something they longed for, while the others gave him a glimpse of a different kind of life.

So I must apologize if initially I didn't totally "get" where this was going, but in the end I think I got the grasp of it.

It's good, I just don't think it was quite as good as NYCSPITZ's story.

V NYC
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Old 08-02-2019, 01:16 AM   #5
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Old 08-02-2019, 09:26 AM   #6
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The topic itself leaves it open to quite a few ideas here, IMO. There’s obviously the Japanese influence, then you have the various heads/characters orbiting the space that could be used as maybe voices in the persons head etc, it reminds me of the video for Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. Anyway, the black/white film noir kind of look to it has my interest. It could be used in the ying/yang sense, there’s room for something with contrasts between light/dark or good and evil even. There’s quite a lot that can be played with here depending on what you wanted to do. Lets see who had what…

NYCSpitz: You had the longest verse this round, I think? Wild. I liked how you spun the 13 characters into something, it’s no mean feat trying to do so much in such a limited lined format. While you didn’t have to flesh out all thirteen characters, I felt you did enough on the central characters work to make it believable and the ‘victims’ were almost disposable, which works in the context they were used (different to with in Pharoah’s Army’s piece this round, where his central characters were almost the disposable ones.) Your word choices are great at times, salute to ‘ephemeral fractal’ and ‘senescent gaze’. I enjoyed those two. The thing I’ve noticed with your work, other than the unrelenting pace to them, is the descriptive imagery that you bring along with it.

Quote:
Their waxed skin swallowed our bullets
This one was a nice slice of visual imagery for the reader, it made me think of The Matrix for some reason, possibly with the mention of all those agents etc.

If I’m completely honest, sections of dialogue like these that run over multiple lines don’t really come off naturally when read in this format:

Quote:
“you’re the final piece of my lovely experiment
Through biotech my children are immortal now so of course there’s appeal
to add your DNA to their lifespan and intelligence - that brute force of your will”
I could maybe see it working up to the ‘intelligence’, at a push, but the rest of that third line seems a little out of place if you're looking at naturalistic sounding dialogue.

In terms of creativity and originality, Spitz sci-fi secret agent take was dope here and completely transcended the topic in terms of both those categories. I didn’t look at that image and think of either of those things. It can’t be overlooked (by me) and I’m glad he did go with something I wouldn’t. There was good pacing to the story, nice word usage, some great descriptive imagery scattered throughout as I highlighted, and this was a marked step up from last rounds submission. This is more the NYCSpitz we know and love (to hate).

Scar: Right off the bat what stands out to me is the use of dialogue, it’s kept short and sweet, it’s natural sounding and in a contrast to what NYC chose to do with his. Admittedly, there’s only really two instances where it was used - but you’re using it to far better effect by using it sparingly (in my opinion) and it works. The hanging rhymes at points were done well, very reminiscent of Millz to me (who I saw resurface recently in this forum) so he will probably appreciate that nod. The section where you showed off your technical merit wasn’t too be overlooked, either, here:

Quote:
To sum up our respective positions: Vicarious living.
they had parents and siblings. Gifts, trinkets a parent could give,
but would dare to be different.
It’s almost a stream of consciousness type flow to it that rolls off the tongue smoothly, and I particularly liked the carry-over rhyme going into the third line that gave this an extra added fluency to the read. I think purely from a technical point of view, it showed a clear difference between you both in terms of style and execution.

The final third, and particularly the “not literally” explanation of the metaphor felt a little out of place to me here within the more conversational tone the rest of the piece had somewhat. It felt a little like your character breaking the 4th wall, and unnecessarily, explaining himself to the reader when the idea of the metaphor should have been self-explanatory (to me) if done right. The closing lines carried more weight as you rounded out proceedings, particularly with you dying and them to live life continuing to do what you no longer could. It seems unfair, but life is like that sometimes. Rinse and repeat.

I think creativity wise, I enjoyed NYC’s more out of the box creativity and originality in flipping the image and his ability to build this fantastical world around it full of anthropomorphic agents and assassins. The fast paced story of Spitz was action-packed and had a lot going on, where Scar’s focused more so on a mechanics driven tale with emotion at its (dying) heart. We have two different styles in this clash, and while I often favour the more mechanics heavy verse in a contest where the two are evenly matched, I did feel that on this occasion there wasn’t a great deal to separate the two of you in that regard and where NYC really excelled was in the creativity and originality stakes, so that ultimately lead me to lean his way this round.

I gave this one to NYCSpitz.

Keep those pens moving!

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Old 08-03-2019, 01:51 AM   #7
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Did I not post a topic here? WTF happened to me this week I'll never know. I started off slugish due to the massive amount of hours I worked, and I guess I just never picked it back up. I apologize.


LONGER VERSION IN MAG

This battle was fun. Two stories that captivated, though one was far moe captivating. I think in terms of fluidity NYC won out, but Scar had a couple of couplets that flowed impeccably, meanwhile NYC was more story based and less multi syllable formatted or heavy scheme based. However, NYC had a highly engaging story, one that read as an action film if I'm honest. Very high octance, where Scars seeemed decent, but in comparrison was sort of just blowing in the wind.

v/ NYC
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Old 08-03-2019, 11:07 AM   #8
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I had a vote done and I fucking refreshed the page on my phone by accident. Fuck it.

NYC - incredibly detailed story here, it actually took me a couple of reads to really get it due to how much was going on but I am genuinely seriously impressed with the imagery and language used in this piece, it made me think of a painting...you could see everything that was being described due to the wonderful use of certain words and phrases, this was extremely well written. Perhaps a little too convoluted at times but all in all very creative and enjoyable.

Scar - you have a very natural writers voice, everything flowed along perfectly and it was an easy and enjoyable read. You set the scene well with the opener and some of your word choices were top notch. I just think you were unfortunate to come against a verse with so much going on in it, as it made your verse seem slightly one-dimensional...which isn't an insult at all. Your verse was well written and enjoyable. There really wasn't much wrong with it at all, the two pieces were just in contrast to each other and one came across better for it.

Vote NYC.
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